Kedakari

The title says it all. I did great when I first hit the door running.
I had another screen name here that I lost/forgot. A few of your members went above and beyond and helped me find a program I could enter seeing as how I have no medical insurance or money.
You all were even great when I got scared the hospital put me on narcotics for too long.

Well I'm back. I tripped up, and I tripped up hard and fell right back down the hole of heroin and opiate addiction. For the last two weeks I've been using half a gram of heroin (shooting/snorting/smoking). On top of it I've found a source of Oxycontin.
It was an excuses I made to myself that enabled me.
Now I'm down the rabbit hole again... I've been severally depressed and I'm still using. Sadly, I've been having throughts of suicide. I start my day with 3 hours of vomitting. Gastroparisis - I developed it from Diabetic complications. Then my Neuropathy kicks in all day and my legs and arms feel like they have been skinned.
I came here because I want to detox at home. I have no money and I'm on the last short wait for social security decide if I'm disabled or not. Going through recovery with the community based system you encounter burnt out counselors and staff who treat you like your a criminal. (I'm in the Washington DC corridor).
So I came here, with people who wont judge... I can really confine in you people because you have no reason to tell me what I want to hear.

So.. I need someone... I'm alone this time. I'd go to a meeting, but I always...always... ALWAYS have 1 female who thinks its a dating service, or a guy trying to using the meeting to refil on his subutex.
The only other meets I get along with are off of Rt 1 . I cant even go down that road without being bombarded by every drug dealer at every stop light.
I dont know any of you, but with the help and support I had last time, I feel safe here.
So here I am.. just to talk... and get my feelings off my chest while my body purges out this toxin for the last time. (Knock on wood)

Kedakari

Also... I'm still using. I dont even want to call it weening off, but I'm trying.
The "dealer" is quitting as well. He took the subutex route, while I'm not trying to go through subutex withdraw EVER again.

I saved a bunch of my cotton balls in case I couldnt score to get well.
I soak a dried cotton and cook it just a tiny bit and I'll bang it into a fat area instead of vien banging so it sits and breaks down slow.
I could be totally wrong and stupid, but from my experience. Doing it this way allows me to feel well for 6-8 hours without getting high.
I started 3 days ago with 3 cottons. 1 every 6 hours. Then 1 every 12 hours. and now I'm down to 1 a day.
My nose is a little runny, for the most part I can feel myself starting to feel sick.

If I can keep my will power up I think I can manage. I just have to remind myself that it's only a few days and not a lifetime.
ugghh... I'm scared as hell.

Kedakari

Today is horrible.
Anxiety is building up to intolerable levels. I keep repeating that I want to die, but I'm too afraid of going through with it.

I want to run far far away from everyone who knows me. My family loves me in their own way. My mother being the only one I got left cant understand what I did to myself.
I just want to go off to a remote island and kill myself.

I'm trying leave the house... looking up any NA meeting that might come my way. I get as far as the garage door and I run back inside. An intense wave of anxiety kicks in. I feel like if I dont rush back inside I'll loose everything.

england

I'm really proud of you that you want to stop taking Heroin and improve your life - I know that you can achieve this.

Although my Doc was different to yours and I cant give you any practical advice, I just wanted to send you positive vibes all the way from London.

Keep posting and stay strong

waw545

Maybe a detox unit first this will help with the bad feelings 7 days or a little less then you need treatment center the people that are there will help you to help yourself I went 2 a treatment center stayed 28 days it helped me. You want for get what you learn in treatment when you are ready to surrender to drugs or alcohol you will no what to do I started going to area meetings na and some aa but my drug of choose was cocaine and it beat me so bad that I wanted to quit and I did so hang on you can be a success. Let go let God or a higher power what ever works for you.

Kedakari

Yeah, I lack medical insurance so the reputable detox centers wont take me. The city community based detox center WAS good, but as of recently people have been using it as a hotel/place to score/a dating service.
The councelors make it a point that they really dont care, they are just there to baby sit.
I had it with the place when I tried to talk to a counselor and she gave a shrug, sigh, and an eye roll like my problem was frustrating her. They just dont get it because they havent been in my shoes, or just lack the experience completely.

This is like the 5th time I've tried. The last time I tried, by the grace of god I found you Angels here on the internet. One of you (whom I wish I could remember so I could send you flowers) was soooo kind and caring that you called the local police department and found me the resources I needed.
Up until last month, because of this site I had stayed clean for the longest I had ever been.
I got myself in this mess again, and I read this site whenever I crave. It keeps my mind off of using just long enough to forget.

I plan on looking into a community mental health center, but I need to detox first.
My depression got to me, and I tried really really hard to stay away from everything. I didnt score any Dirty girl(Heroin), but I did end up buying a subutex. I kinda kicked myself for it, because I feel like it's just going to set me back and that I should keep to the cold turkey to make it end faster.
My girl friend is in another state and I told her the truth... shes not happy at all about me hiding it. She told me she needed some time to think about things... So I have my fingers crossed that I didnt ruin our relationship.
I hope even if she can't be my lover any more that at least she could be my friend I could trust.. cause someone needs to hold on to my money and baby sit me a few days so I can finally detox and start looking into talking to someone at the community mental health center.
Until then I'm going to use this as my little journal I can come back to so I can relive and remember what I had to go through so this never happens again.

Kedakari

Three days after my last post I was admitted to the ER. It was another medical issue and not any WD that sent me there.
I was given IV Dilaudid every 4 hours for a week. Sent home with 30 4mg Dilaudid.
I didnt take anymore than I was supposed to. I even took them every 6 hours as apposed to 4 hours.

Hopefully this wont set me back. I have absolutely no craving and I havent got high off my script. Which was tough.
I'm expecting 2-3 restless nights at worst.

I'm finding that my problems are emotional and I'm adding addiction into the blend.
It's 6:20am, restless and anxious, I found information to a community mental health center. Looks like I'm going to check that out.

Vale

Your SR friends care....and wish for you the very best.
Rabbit holes go both ways---you CAN fall down them,
but you can also crawl out.

Here's to crawling out!!!!!:ghug3

Kedakari

I kind of combined the Thomas Recipe with a home liver detox recipe and a sweat detox room I made with a IR heater.
Since I cant get a hold of Xanax I stopped by CVS and got a small bottle of Hyland's Nerve Tonic. Its homeopathic and supposed to work great. I popped 4 of them which is more than the suggested two, so far I'm not jumping out of my skin.
I do feel the anxiety, but its not overwhelming.
I stocked up on Revive Vitamin Water. Has a lot of B6 and B12 so I'm drinking it all day.
For the liver detox I'll drink salt water wait 2 hours and drink a bunch of lemon juice. Once I urinate I'll drink vitamin water.
For food I'm trying to stick with uncooked fruits and veggies.
Ever 3-4 hours I'll hit the tred mill for 15-20 min then I jump in my makeshift hot room and sweat as much as I can for an hour while drinking vitamin water so I dont over do it with heat.

I did this all today, I took roughly 2mg Suboxone at 6 am. Its around 4am now, I feel fine with no signs of any WD rearing its head yet, but I'm also only going on 10 hours since last use of anything. I feel relaxed and ready to sleep.
I should see how bad my WD is going to be. I spread the times I used suboxone by 12 hours only using 2mg at a time.
Each time around the 8-9 hour mark I started to get ill.

So far so good!

If all works out well I'll revise a more intense Thomas Recipe

Vale

..sounds like progress and a disciplined plan executing well.

(Good Work!)

Kedakari

I slept until 1 in the afternoon. Woke up with an anxiety attack. I jumped in the hot shower, drank a bunch of water.
My eye sight is blurry, I feel out of energy, and every once and a while my stomach gives me a little trouble.
My basement is freezing but I constantly feel warm... around the neck and face.
Today I'm totally unmotivated... I have to make it to the DMV soon, but I'm going to hold that off so i dont look sickly standing in long lines at the DMV.

I'm going to try and do something with the dumb bells for 15 min... then an hour in the sweat room... a nap if I can get one in.

60% cruddy 40% fine... Tonights going to be a pain. I fore see restless legs for a few nights... ugghhh

Kedakari

I am now at the 24 hour mark. I feel positive for the most part. Even with a ton of things going sour in my life, I feel like I'm making it through one fight a winner.

I feel like CRAP. Blurry vision, lack of energy, and sometimes nausea.
I had a script for Zophran. Its the anti nausea medication they prescript to kemo patients.
I tried it and hardly will do anything for WD nausea. So I stopped.
No use putting anything in my body I dont need. I dont want to hinder my body's progress to expel toxins.
Anything I do put in my body is natural. The worst that I'm using is advil PM, but its safe.
I'm continuing to force myself to exercise.

I'm sticking to my plan, I've nicked named the "Intense Thomas Recipe"
it's in hopes that I speed up my recovery process. I've got life to get back to, and I'd like to do that soon, but I want to be back to 100% before I tackle my financial situation.
I havent seen many replies to my postings, but like I said this log will be mine to look back on. Hopefully it'll inspire someone to do the same. I hope my battle helps other's win theirs. Until then... I got to get back to getting better.

sissy07

I admire your honesty and the strength you are showing withdrawing. I don't have any "advice", just wanted you to know that someone is out there, and I care. Be good to yourself and keep going so that you don't have to go through this again. Best wishes.

Kedakari

All the advice I ever got was from reading through these forums. The information I get off the internet is all based on what people are experiencing in their WD.

Flushing..working out.. and a healthy diet of fruits and veggies is the BEST way to do this. My Hot room and a hot bath are my best friends.
This is the most determined I've ever been. I cant deal with this or put myself through this. It's a dangerous game I played with my health. I am type 1 diabetic and I could have really harmed myself. I'm only 28 and I already have really bad complications due to diabetes. Going through WD could harm me, so I am constantly checking my blood sugar and adjusting insulin.

Right now (30hrs) I still have the blurry sight.. I feel a little better, but not by much.

CarolD

Glad you are being careful with your Type 1 diabetes diet and checking it often.
I know diabetes can be managed with careful attention...Type 2 here and
I've also had it for years.

Hope this will be your final go round with wD's...

Kedakari

48 hour mark. I feel weak, stomach is constantly gurgling. It looks like I'm loosing weight, but I'm eating just fine.
Very un-motivated. In a "fukitol" mood.
If I had my car right now I'd go use.
I wish I could just go back to sleep.

skinnywater

Just want to say way to go I'm to am at the 56 hour mark , I think. Just hang in there and I will be following along with your progress. Your doing great.

Kedakari

Roughly 52 hours in. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted.
Running to the restroom more than I'd like too.

I think I'm starting to reach a peak in my WD, not sure, only the night and next morning will be able to tell.
As expected I'm between the 36-72 hour mark and starting to feel the worst of it.
I get huge cravings for marijuana and cigs. I'm holding strong on not doing anymore drugs including mary. Smoking cigs makes me feel horrible, but I get the nicotine craving like a monster.
Just did some dumb bell curls... just a few.. I can bearly make it up the steps I feel so weak.
Going to drink some water and jump in my heat room.

skinnywater

Keep it up, love the heat room idea. I just stood in the shower with it as hot as it would go, just to try and sweat a little. Anything to get the posion out of the body. your doing great.

UpperbucksAAguy

Kedakari I have some friends in your area who may be able to help. PM me for more