Syn

So I'm really not sure why I joined this site, or why I'm even posting anything. Maybe it's just to pass the time to try to beat these deafening cravings. One of my friends recently quit like it was nothing, when I've been trying to quit for so long I don't think it matters anymore. I feel like hell that I couldn't quit too, I should be able to quit like it's nothing. Maybe I just don't have what it takes like I thought I would. I think I might be addicted to the very thought of self-destruction though. I lost count of how many times I've tried to quit, and no matter how long I think about it I can't figure out exactly why I want to quit, and not having a reason to want to quit doesn't help. Maybe my mind is just too scrambled to figure out that reason, but I know I want to quit and badly. Maybe when I've been sober for a while it'll make more sense? I gave away all my paraphanelia yesterday, all I've got left is a couple of cigarettes to help me through my other chemical addictions. Today is day one of attempt number who the F knows anymore... I've only been awake for 3 and a half hours and I want to break down and cry. Wow, I suck at life.

istherehope999

Welcome! You don't suck at life. Proud of you for knowing you need to make a change. You will find a lot of support here on SR. Keep posting here. I have 6 weeks 3 days off of opiates today and this site is a big reason I've been able to stay clean.

SilverSparkCat

Hi Syn,

Please, please don't be so hard on yourself. I've struggled with the same "I suck at life" idea many times. You're at this forum because you KNOW you have a problem and want to change your life. That's huge!

I won't lie and say its easy because I'm on day 33 of being off Oxy and I'm still struggling. Reading SR and knowing I wasn't the only person going thru this helped me immensely.

The absolute best though is my family saying they FINALLY have their daughter and sister back. Nothing has ever made me prouder of myself then getting off Oxy after 8 miserable years.

I NEVER thought I could do it but I did....so can you!! Best of luck!

Syn

Slipped up on day two... Guess the count restarts tomorrow. I at least said no to the second time I was offered today so that's something I guess. I'm pretty disapointed in myself, but I will quit one way or the other...

Kedakari

Even if you slipped up, dont let the thought discourage you. This is my 100 billionth time detoxing.
I slipped up today too... I had money in my pocket and I was in a place I should have stayed away from.
I've been weening with my scraps left over on cotton balls and spoons.

As I write this I know I'm bullshitting myself if I dont get rid of everything NOW.

Just get a good night sleep while you can. Keep in your mind that tomorrow is the start of you taking over your life and doing what YOU want to do with it.

I'm here with ya dude... I'm getting off heroin and oxycontins.

waw545

Sounds like you having a hard time we all been through this with drugs they take away self-esteem and makes us feel lower of low. I use to vist a NA club called low bottom, most of us have to get to the bottom before our eyes are opened and will go to any lengths to stay clean hang in there and dont use it will get better. God bless

Wellsc61

I am 51 days clean today and iamsothankful for my recovery. Stop being so hard on yourself. Treat yourself like you would a good friend. Give yourself credit for trying and get yourself to a NA meeting they really do help. Because there are people there just like us and they are so supportive and loving and non judgmental. I will be praying.

Pandora1

Welcome to both you. Just don't give up. I was clean for 6 years and relapsed in Feb of 2010. It was one hell of a relapse. There was a suicide attempt last April and I then spent 6.5 months in rehab. I know have been clean and off coke, heroin, and pills for over a year. I still have my bad days, but I use my friends to help me through it.

Syn

It's funny, so many people on here were able to go clean for so long, and I can't even go a few days. I know I probably shouldn't be hard on myself, but I really want to F-ing quit, today, and be done with this. Today is day one, again. Thanks for the massive support everyone, it's way more helpful than my few friends telling me "yeah right, you'll never quit." I dunno though, maybe I just can't do this. Maybe I just don't have it in me, maybe I'm just doubting myself because I don't know what else to do and I feel so horrible. Every part of me hurts, I feel like I'm on fire all the time, and I hate it. I feel like I'm going insane. I've already hit rock bottom at one point in my life, I hit it a while back. I was living out of my car in the most violent neighborhood in my state for months doing whatever drugs I could get my hands on because I just didn't want to live anymore and nothing seemed worth it, self-destruction was my way of life. I didn't have a single person in my life at that point because I drove them all away, no friends, no family, nobody. I nearly killed myself on several occasions, I tried overdosing, hanging, drowning, jumping out in front of cars. Nothing worked. I got caught for drugs and I got caught for breaking into someones house to steal stuff I could sell for drugs. I rememeber a few days before court I didn't have the fine they issued, and they made it clear to me that either I paid the fine or I was going to jail for 8 years. I had planned on killing myself instead of go to jail and come out 8 years later in the same mess (This time I was gonna use a gun to make sure it worked) because it's not like I had anything to lose anyways, I said my goodbyes and I was truly ready to just let it end. Someone ended up saving me, and they've helped me turn my life around so much, I have a place to live, I have friends, I'm back in school, I have a band and we've got a show coming up on the 19th. I REALLY want to go clean before that show, I want to be a completely different person than I was, because I hate who I was so much. I hate the horrible things that I did, I hate how addiction ruled my life. I'm so tired of feeling dead, lost, and alone. I wanna quit all these drugs, I wanna quit cigarettes, I want to quit breaking down and crying. I'm sick of hating every moment that I'm alive. I just want to be able to say I did it and I took back my life... Day one, and I swear this will be the last time.

pathway

Have you talked with someone about seeing a therapist to help you?

Syn

hdevil

Hi Syn,
I admire your drive and persistance. This proves that you dont suck at life, infact it proves the polar opposite. You know deep down that you deserve better. Try to relax, as addicts we are natural instant gratification junkies. We want the ability to fix everything with one broad stroke, unfortunatley it does not work that way. But I can promise you that you can do this, and life does get better.

I would suggest seeking Medical help for detox, and spiritual help through a support group such as NA/AA. With in those rooms you will meet many people who have shared your experiance, and will let you know what they did to regain their sanity.

Hang in there, you are worth it.


HD

Syn

Day two, and I feel great. I wrote this poem shortly after my long post where I was completely losing it, and after I finished writing it I felt this sort of fire inside, but it wasn't like the painful burning of withdrawl, but something deeper. Since I wrote this poem it feels like a huge weight has been taken off of me, now the withdrawls feel like nothing. Here's the poem in case any of you want to read it,



I swear, by every breath in me
I swear, I will make you believe
I swear, I'll finally break free
I swear that tonight, this will end

A blackened canvas of a life
Poisoned by this infliction
Controlled by this addiction
Shattered by this affliction

Tears scream from deep within
Tainted memories of my sin
I don't even know where begin
But in the end, I swear I will win

I swear, by every breath in me
I swear, I will make you believe
I swear, I'll finally break free
I swear that this very night...

This reflection will fade from the mirror
I will find clarity, and banish this fear
Vanish forever the person I used to be
By every breath in me, I will be free

Pandora1

Syn, last April I was tired of everything the drugs, being bipolar, and the lies. I decided on my way home from work to end it all. I came damn close too. I overdosed on heroin, oxy, and alcohol. I was found by my dog children. They alerted my neighbors I was in trouble and they called 911. I was in a coma for over a day. I then spent 6.5 months in rehab. I'm now over a year clean and so glad my babies saved my life. It is hard but tell your doctor how you are feeling. You can still post here as well.

Syn

Day 5 no drugs, day 3 no cigarettes. Now, the cigarettes are the hard part, and the drugs are a thing of the past. I feel the addictions getting weaker by the day as I grow stronger. Wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing it.

IvanKatz

Syn, it gets easier with every day but I won't say every day will be this way. You're going to have some really cruddy days. You see, recovery isn't 100% linear. You're going to have bumps in the road. THe key is to recognizing these these bad days and riding them out. In my experience, you feel feel better dy after day until a few weeks and then you may hit cravings or depression. Believe me that these days are tough but very doable.
I've been using painkillers for 4 years now off and on but I use them for Chronic pain. I've ditched then many times in hopes of getting off permanently. It's been especially tough because the chronic pain gets really bad some times.
I gone through W/D many times during my time and I've discovered that they get worse every time. RIght now I'm clean except for some help with anxiety and sleep. a could of months ago I sought professional mental health once I realized I was using more for mental help than I was for pain. I began seeing a Psycologist and in 3-4 sessions, my life made a huge turn around. I wasn't so depressed, and I was sleeping better. TO make a long story short, My doc left his practice but I'm going to start another one this week. I've made damned sure I'm clean for some time now because I want my shrink to know me and not the meds. Not taking my usual pain meds has been the hardest thing in my life but I want out too. The pain sucks - REALLY bad but I want to LIVE - not just keeping living- if this makes sense. I want me to be my old me and not the pain med zombie. Sure, it's soooo easy to just take a pill and make it all better but we all know that it doesn't make things any better... Just prolongs problems.
Be strong my friend and your rewards will be great. Nothing in life worth having is easy to obtain! Remember that!

Pandie

Keep it up Syn! You can do this!!

thisishard

I understand where all of you are coming from and I'm sober now but I don't see happiness without oxy. Is it possible--maybe I'm just broken...

gunslinger

The pain sucks - REALLY bad but I want to LIVE - not just keeping living- if this makes sense. I want me to be my old me and not the pain med zombie. Sure, it's soooo easy to just take a pill and make it all better but we all know that it doesn't make things any better... Just prolongs problems.

Pain won't kill ya....Pills will...Keep up the good work IVANKATZ!

IvanKatz

thisishard,
Oxy doesn't make you happy - it only makes you think you are for a while. We all know that once the oxy stops working, nothing makes you happy. Look, the happiness will return, it's just going to take your brain some time to recoup. You've been napalming your brain with opiodes for so long that your brain has to learn to makes its own. It takes time! I know that each day seems like a month *I KNOW*! But give yourself a break and give yourself some time.
I wil give you some hints on how to speed up the process. Watch funny stuff, laugh, cry, yell! Get your emotions going and do this often. This makes your brain work harder to produce the chemicals it used to. Don't sit around and mope. You're not doing yourself favors by doing this. Make you brain and your body work. By doing this regularly, you'll reduce your recovery by half. It's hard but it's the only way.