Relapse or not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 9
Relapse or not?
Hi everyone,
I'm new to these forums. I made an account here to ask a question that I don't feel comfortable talking about 100% honestly with the people I go to meetings with. I'd prefer to remain 100% anonymous.
See, I'm not quite sure if I relapsed. A while ago, almost two months ago, I was sick. Like, horribly sick. I usually try to refrain from taking cough syrup unless I'm... well, as sick as I was. So I held off on the cough syrup until I basically HAD to. And I had a really weird experience.
My first dose of the stuff was right after drinking my daily (at the time) 5 hour energy shot. After they both settled in my stomach, I just felt plain WEIRD. High, almost, in a way, but sick to my stomach.
After that, I get really freaked out, but I still keep taking the cough syrup, being very careful to not take too much, or take it with caffeine again.
However, I remember on one day, I did take more than the recommended dose, on purpose too. I'm not really quite sure how "on purpose" it was--keep in mind, this was just short of two months ago. I remember being too lazy to get up and grab the measuring spoon, so I just took a quick swig. About twenty minutes (or so?) later, I go back and actually grab the measuring spoon to measure it out and take more. After that, I didn't take any more until the 4-6 hour period in which I'm supposed to take it again. (Keep in mind this is OTC stuff, not the prescription.)
Now, I remember I didn't have a very bad cough at this time. In fact, I don't even remember having a cough. I remember that I wanted sleep, and I wanted the itchiness in the back of my throat to go away. I remember writing something about being scared that I would take more cough syrup to chase that original, dizzy and nauseous, almost-high feeling I got from it, but I can't remember if that was why I took the cough syrup. I just wanted to sleep, and for the itchiness to go away--and while I do accept that it might have been chasing that "first high" (however horribly and not euphoric is was), I honestly cannot remember what my actual motives were.
I talked to my sponsor about this, and she said to just let it go and that it wasn't a relapse. I don't think I really told her as much as I said here, though, and like I said I can't remember much of the fine details.
If you guys were in my shoes, what would you think?
I'm new to these forums. I made an account here to ask a question that I don't feel comfortable talking about 100% honestly with the people I go to meetings with. I'd prefer to remain 100% anonymous.
See, I'm not quite sure if I relapsed. A while ago, almost two months ago, I was sick. Like, horribly sick. I usually try to refrain from taking cough syrup unless I'm... well, as sick as I was. So I held off on the cough syrup until I basically HAD to. And I had a really weird experience.
My first dose of the stuff was right after drinking my daily (at the time) 5 hour energy shot. After they both settled in my stomach, I just felt plain WEIRD. High, almost, in a way, but sick to my stomach.
After that, I get really freaked out, but I still keep taking the cough syrup, being very careful to not take too much, or take it with caffeine again.
However, I remember on one day, I did take more than the recommended dose, on purpose too. I'm not really quite sure how "on purpose" it was--keep in mind, this was just short of two months ago. I remember being too lazy to get up and grab the measuring spoon, so I just took a quick swig. About twenty minutes (or so?) later, I go back and actually grab the measuring spoon to measure it out and take more. After that, I didn't take any more until the 4-6 hour period in which I'm supposed to take it again. (Keep in mind this is OTC stuff, not the prescription.)
Now, I remember I didn't have a very bad cough at this time. In fact, I don't even remember having a cough. I remember that I wanted sleep, and I wanted the itchiness in the back of my throat to go away. I remember writing something about being scared that I would take more cough syrup to chase that original, dizzy and nauseous, almost-high feeling I got from it, but I can't remember if that was why I took the cough syrup. I just wanted to sleep, and for the itchiness to go away--and while I do accept that it might have been chasing that "first high" (however horribly and not euphoric is was), I honestly cannot remember what my actual motives were.
I talked to my sponsor about this, and she said to just let it go and that it wasn't a relapse. I don't think I really told her as much as I said here, though, and like I said I can't remember much of the fine details.
If you guys were in my shoes, what would you think?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
If I delibertly drank anything with alcohol....I would be compelled to restart
my AA recovery. The guilt would be too much to bear for me.
I use OTC products with no alcohol when I need to.
Welcome to SR....
my AA recovery. The guilt would be too much to bear for me.
I use OTC products with no alcohol when I need to.
Welcome to SR....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 9
Well see, the thing is, it didn't have alcohol in it. However, I'm worried that I took two doses to try and "repeat" that first feeling I got from it. (Keep in mind that at times during my addiction, I would drink a whole bottle of cough syrup just to feel "high", so it's not ilke it's an un-abuseable substance.)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I think it is up to you to decide if this was a relapse or not.
I think the amount of clean time you keep or lose really does not matter. What will determine the future of your recovery is how you choose to look at incidents like this. Will it help you more to understand it as your sponsor does? Or will it help you more to define it as a relapse? Only you can say.
The fact that you are asking this question is a very good thing!
I think the amount of clean time you keep or lose really does not matter. What will determine the future of your recovery is how you choose to look at incidents like this. Will it help you more to understand it as your sponsor does? Or will it help you more to define it as a relapse? Only you can say.
The fact that you are asking this question is a very good thing!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 9
I'm not sure what would help me more. I'm not sure if I should let it go, because so far I've only stuffed it rather than truly let it go. How would I even be able to let it go and get completely honest with myself?
However, defining it as a relapse would probably send me back out. I could see myself saying, "Well if THAT was a relapse... then I'm going to actually go and do /this/."
However, defining it as a relapse would probably send me back out. I could see myself saying, "Well if THAT was a relapse... then I'm going to actually go and do /this/."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Originally Posted by xanaduforever 
I'm not sure what would help me more. I'm not sure if I should let it go, because so far I've only stuffed it rather than truly let it go. How would I even be able to let it go and get completely honest with myself?
However, defining it as a relapse would probably send me back out. I could see myself saying, "Well if THAT was a relapse... then I'm going to actually go and do /this/."
However, defining it as a relapse would probably send me back out. I could see myself saying, "Well if THAT was a relapse... then I'm going to actually go and do /this/."
Hey Xanadu
First of all, welcome to SR
Reading through this, I was going to say that it sounds like, if you're still worrying about this two months after you did it, there's you answer - you see it as a relapse, and you're looking for people to confirm it. But your last post says that if people do say you relapsed, you're going to see it as a reason to relapse more? Am I reading that right?
I get the impression that you're a seasoned addict - AA, sponsor etc, so you know whether you're using a drug to get high or not. E.g. I have two cups of coffee every morning before I get out of bed. Hate the stuff, but we get up at 0430, and I need a kick. I don't feel like it damages my recovery in any way, and I know I'm nowhere near getting hooked on the stuff - I know what it would feel like if I was, do yo know what I mean? Seasoned addict.
So what are you looking for? Honestly?
Still
xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 9
I appreciate all the advice so far.
I hadn't really been worrying about it until one of my friends called me last night saying she was changing her clean date for a similar thing, except for unprescribed steroids she took while sick and she actually felt high with them (and started taking more before the time she was supposed, etc.)
So I guess I'm worried, does that mean I relapsed? I didn't feel high at all, however I did take more than the recommended dose when I didn't even have much of a cough. Just a scratchy throat.
I don't want to lose my clean time over something like that, however she made the decision to change it over something relatively similar. So I suppose I'm just worried.
I hadn't really been worrying about it until one of my friends called me last night saying she was changing her clean date for a similar thing, except for unprescribed steroids she took while sick and she actually felt high with them (and started taking more before the time she was supposed, etc.)
So I guess I'm worried, does that mean I relapsed? I didn't feel high at all, however I did take more than the recommended dose when I didn't even have much of a cough. Just a scratchy throat.
I don't want to lose my clean time over something like that, however she made the decision to change it over something relatively similar. So I suppose I'm just worried.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Hia! Thanks for clarifying. I really think you're the only person who can decide. I mean, you were taking energy shots and didn't see that as relapsing, cos they weren't the drug you're in recovery for. You say the syrup didn't get you high. It didn't upset your recovery and you didn't do it again. And it didn't contain alcohol. Personally, I'd brush it off. You can get a sugar rush if you eat too much cereal. Endorphins make you high - shouldn't I go for a run? If it didn't bug you for two whole months, if wasn't a problem.
Yeah, I'd let it go.
xx
Yeah, I'd let it go.
xx
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
hi Xanadu - welcome to SR.
I'd discuss it more with my sponsor.
To be honest with you, if this is a relapse, may it be the worst relapse you ever experience in your life. I'm sincere in saying that.
The words that concern me in your posts are the ones that indicate that if you decide this is a relapse, then you might go out and have a REALLY GOOD relapse.
I'm not sure if the caller who changed her sobriety date due to steroid usage is secure in their own sobriety, and I wouldn't measure my sobriety with theirs.
Look to those who have succeeded in the program, and talk to your sponsor.
All my best...
I'd discuss it more with my sponsor.
To be honest with you, if this is a relapse, may it be the worst relapse you ever experience in your life. I'm sincere in saying that.
The words that concern me in your posts are the ones that indicate that if you decide this is a relapse, then you might go out and have a REALLY GOOD relapse.
I'm not sure if the caller who changed her sobriety date due to steroid usage is secure in their own sobriety, and I wouldn't measure my sobriety with theirs.
Look to those who have succeeded in the program, and talk to your sponsor.
All my best...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 9
I guess I worded that wrong. I'm not saying I will most definitely, 100% go out and have a "real" relapse... it would just be tempting. That's where my mind originally went, anyway, but hopefully, if I do end up counting this as a relapse, I resist that urge (like I have so many times in the past).
Can you clarify more what you mean by "secure" in her recovery? I understand the general idea, but I still would like to hear more about what you think and why you believe that.
I also do want to talk to my sponsor more about it, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid she'll change her mind, or perhaps judge me for still trippin' on it. But I guess that's only a fear I can get over through practice, aye?
Can you clarify more what you mean by "secure" in her recovery? I understand the general idea, but I still would like to hear more about what you think and why you believe that.
I also do want to talk to my sponsor more about it, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid she'll change her mind, or perhaps judge me for still trippin' on it. But I guess that's only a fear I can get over through practice, aye?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 143
You put us in a catch-22 situation
If it is a relapse, might as well go high hog AND was it a relapse?
I think you are looking for a pass. If you drank it to get high, it was a relapse. And honestly, so what? Look how well you've done. Move on, this is not an excuse to go back out. I mean....really? drink/drug again because of some f'ing cough syrup?
We are all judged by someone. You need to be honest with your sponsor and yourself. Fess up to your sponsor, talk it through, move on. Do NOT use this as an excuse to lose your sobriety.
Hope I didn't sound too harsh. Hope you make the best and right decision.
Pam
If it is a relapse, might as well go high hog AND was it a relapse?
I think you are looking for a pass. If you drank it to get high, it was a relapse. And honestly, so what? Look how well you've done. Move on, this is not an excuse to go back out. I mean....really? drink/drug again because of some f'ing cough syrup?
We are all judged by someone. You need to be honest with your sponsor and yourself. Fess up to your sponsor, talk it through, move on. Do NOT use this as an excuse to lose your sobriety.
Hope I didn't sound too harsh. Hope you make the best and right decision.
Pam
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Originally Posted by xanaduforever
I was just being honest about what was going on in my head.
My program tells me that I CANNOT take ANYTHING that may alter my mood in any way (caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, drugs, on and on). When I *need* something to treat an ailment that I really actually have, I go to a doctor, who knows my history, and I get help. I still, to this day, DO NOT make unilateral decisions where chemicals are concerned.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Not that it really matters, right? What matters is you address what's going on with your program that led to the slippery-slope thinking. Are you spiritually fit?
mf
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 9
So... I'm sorry I'm kind of bugging you guys. But I suppose it is your choice to respond, huh?
What if I know that part of the reason was to have the original dizzy, nauseous feeling I got, but it wasn't to get high? (I mean, if I wanted to get high, I would've dranken more.) I did hope to get that feeling back, but I needed the cough syrup and everything.
What if I know that part of the reason was to have the original dizzy, nauseous feeling I got, but it wasn't to get high? (I mean, if I wanted to get high, I would've dranken more.) I did hope to get that feeling back, but I needed the cough syrup and everything.
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