DyingInside

I am a 33 year old, wife and mother of 2. I have been an addict for almost 4 years, oxycodone being my DOC.

My husband was given 100 pills after a surgery, and he didn't like the way they made him feel... We were in the end stages of wedding planning, and I was under a ton of stress, and was getting frequent headaches... so he gave me some of his pills... Almost immediately I started sneaking them, and when I ran out, I called our Doc and requested a refill on his behalf...

At first, it was 1 a day, then 3, then 5, then 12 to 15. I was going through his weekly script too fast and started buying them illegally..

Well I guess I asked the Doc for an early release one to many times, because he made my husband do a urine test, and when it came back clean he was P**D. He cut off the script for a week, and when he reinstated it, it was at half of his weekly allotment.

Needless to say, I was already flying through the first 60, and buying and extra 30 to 40 a week...

Now he is only getting 30 a week, and since they pulled Oxycontin off the shelves, finding Percs is next to impossible and very expensive ($4 per 5mg pill)...

I have HATED these pills for a very long time, but having an ongoing, reliable supply made it impossible for me to quit. My husband hates seeing me in withdrawals so he will do almost ANYTHING to get me more pills whenever I need them.

The longest I have been clean was 10 days last September.

I am now on day 4 of being clean for the second time. I believe that the worst has passed, but I still feel like ship.

What terrifies me is tomorrow my husband will be given 30 more... and I DO NOT WANT THEM, but at the same time I'm not sure if I am strong enough to refuse...

I need help...???

Bamboozle

Welcome to SR, DyingInside. Stick around here for a while if you get the urge to use. I post and read here instead or I find something else to do if I feel like drinking. It will pass. You don't have to take the pills at all. You can get off the crazy train at any time.

Edited to add that it is not recommended that one dextox without medical supervision. If you are bad with withdrawals, get medical attention immediately.

keltie

First of all, welcome. You have come to the right place and many others will be here soon with words of comfort and wisdom. CONGRATULATIONS on 4 days clean- that is HUGE.

I am a fellow addict, just 7 days clean from Vicodin. Thank God I never tried Oxy's or I'm sure I would not be here. The thing that scares me about your situation is your husband. I know how HARD it is to quit, and I had hidden my addiction from everyone. If I had a codependent husband pushing them on me, I'd never have quit.

I think your husband needs recovery as much as you do. He is a codependent.

PLEASE do not go back tomorrow. PLEASE tell your husband it would be like handing you a loaded gun.

I know you may find this hard to believe right now but your life (and your husband's too) will be SO much better without the oxy's. Have you established yourself with NA? If not, I highly recommend that immediately. You will find so much support and inspiration. Whatever you do, don't stop posting and best of luck to you.

CarolD

Welcome...

I don't know a thing about what doctors do in Canada...but you are already
buying those pain med's illegally....so I guess it does not matter.

I had to take responsibilty for my sucessful recovery from alcohol addiction.
No one could make me quit or keep me drinking.
My AA program is immensely supportive and I too suggest NA for you.

Well done on your fresh start....all my best to both of you...

DyingInside

well... for the last few weeks, I have been getting the pills from my husband and going through them in 3 to 4 days... then I am off of them for 3 days and back on them and so on and so on and so on...

The off days suck... I am sick every time I run out and then spend three days waiting impatiently for the next refill... popping immodium like crazy and using ativan to sleep at night.

I cant get them off the street anymore, my connections are dry...

I am very irritable and anxious and feel like crap... and cant seem to find the strength to finally get away from these things...

am I stuck in this cycle forever???

DyingInside

This might sound insane, but I need to do this....

Dear Husband...

I can't do this anymore. I want to stop taking the pills, and I want to have a "normal" life again... But as long as I know that you can get them.. I can't stop myself.

Every week I tell myself that this week I will try harder to quit, I will make them last so I don't get sick, I need them to think clearly... I can't think clearly on them, I hate them, I love the feeling they give me... I can't live without them... I can't live like this anymore...

I could go on forever... justifying my addiction, and hating myself for it all at the same time.

On the days when I have them, I think I feel better... am a better wife, mother, person... happier, more social, all around BETTER....but I know in my heart that I am lying to myself...

When I have a bottle full... quitting them seems so easy.. I convince myself that I will be fine, and that I barely get high off of them anymore, and quitting isn't THAT hard...

Then I take my last dose and the panic starts... and a few hours later I start to feel very stressed and angry... I get a headache and a terrible taste in my mouth that WONT go away, and soon after the withdrawals start to kick in and all I can think is... "if I could just get my hands on 20 or 30 pills to get me through to the next refill, I will be fine"....

Searching for them makes it all soooo much worse... especially when I can't find any or no one will return my calls...

And knowing YOU can get them, makes it unbearable...

If you give them to me, it is bad... if you don't give them to me, I will blame you for the pain I am going through and will hate you for it...

The only way I am getting off of these things is if you can't get them anymore....

Help me! PLEASE?

Love, Your Wife.

DanaXO

Hi there. I liked your letter. That is exactly what needs to be said. This should be a team effort between you and your husband. He obviously loves you and wants you to be happy, but he is enabling you. If he doesn't like the way they make him feel, tell him to cut off the script. Don't get them anymore. Ask him to tell his doctor to prescribe him something non-opiate related if he does need medication. I went through a very similar situation with my husband and eventually I had to be the one to tell him "If you truly love me, no matter how much I kick and scream and cry, NEVER cave in and give me any type of opiate, ever."

I HIGHLY suggest going to a doctor or a behavioral therapist (psychiatrist) and telling them exactly what is going on. More than likely, they will prescribe you a good cocktail of harmless drugs to help you through the withdrawal symptoms, so you don't have to pop immodium or ativan. This stuff really works.

Sorry for typing a book, but one more thing! Whatever you do, do NOT go to a Methadone clinic. It will drain you of all your money, you'll still be an opiate addict, you'll still be harming yourself. I've seen Suboxone help people A LOT. Mostly due the fact that even if you wanted to take something, you wouldn't be able to feel it, and you're not in withdrawals so what's the point in taking them, you know?

If you need someone to talk to or have any questions, feel free to msg me.
Good luck, sweetie! Be strong and know that the pain is very temporary and worth it!

Wantingit

Hey dying

Sounds like that letter will be the first step in the right direction. It sometimes amazes me how long dr's will continue to give narcotics to patients without thinking about it. My experience has been as long as I didn't try to get refills to soon I could just keep getting them from my doc. I'm surprised your husbands dr continued to give them to your husband after he tested clean, most dr's would be convinced he was selling them and cut him off.

Oh well hopefully your husband will contact his dr and no longer get any refills and you can start to live a clean sober life! Good luck I'm in this with you, I'm on day 3 after getting off norco's.......again!!!! Ugh!! Hopefully this will be the last time!!

Wantingit

Dying

Oh btw not to knock Diana's advice but I know a lot of people who used suboxone and while it got them off their drug of choice there is still withdrawl to go through with that in fact it is longer than just regular opiates. If your already 3-4 days into withdrawl you are rounding the corner, feeling better will be coming real soon!!

finaltime

Dying inside, first I do not like your profile name, it makes me sad I know exactly how you feel right now though and you have 2 options. quit or keep going and keep chasing the high, blowing cash, having that panic feeling, the list continues. I am now 5 months off those devils, but it took me 3 years to really get clean. And by no means at 5 months have i got it, I just got it for today, and will keep taking it one day at a time. I am also a mother. A mother who has a terrible back and with a quick mri ( I used to carry a copy of the film of my back in my purse) I could get pills anywhere. However, they would never last. I would start off picking up the refill, or hooking up with my dealer, pop the first few pills, maybe one or two extra just to celebrate. I would have big plans, feel great, think this time i would ration out, make them last until my refill. WELL that never would happen, the mind games, the energy, not to mention the time of searching took way too much out of me. I got real tired of it, but kept it going for years. Even took out my retirement (had to pay people off) moved overseas twice (I am a teacher) and still found pills. Those things will grab you by the balls and never let go unless YOU put your foot down. I am proud of you for writing that to your husband. If you really want to stop, call that dr and say your husband does not need them anymore. Cut off all supplies. I know you are strong enough to do this. As for the subs, I tried those too. I was amazed at how I did not have any withdrawal, but I felt amazing, and no high. But in my mind I knew that those pills were just sugarcoating the whole thing, and I would soon have to come off those too. So, I did the cold turkey route starting Feb 14th once again...I layed in bed for days, spent nights kicking my legs so hard on the bed just to rid the RLS. I fought with my husband just because it made me feel better. I missed more time with my daughter, but now I am clean. I wake up feeling amazing, I get excited about feeling better and better. It is almost like its a special gift I forgot I even had. I was on the pill roller coaster from 24 to 34 years old. I forgot how precious it is to feel good every morning without a pill, or being hungover etc. You can do it.

sophiamarie2007

Your story on many levels sounds similar to mine. I was addicted to those nasty pills for 12 years. My husband and I worked in the pharmaceutical industry and would go hunting for more pills everyday on sales calls. On the days that I couldn't find any, I was always hoping he would bring home some. It was a nasty vicious cycle that lasted for years. Don't depend on your husband's script for more pills. You have to cut off the supply-And remember it's not his job to get your clean-you have to own it. I iknow the feeling of the love/hate relationship with narcotics. I know the feeling of thinking I am so much better when I am high on my pills. It's a total false reality and you will sink, maybe not this week, or next month-but it will happen. Please know that life can be good again without those demon pills. I used to hear people tell me those things and think to myself "They just don't understand my brain, if they did they would allow me to keep taking them"-Trust me, you will go down on them. Proud of you for taking the step to let your husband know how you are feeling. My husband used to get me pills because he couldn't stand watching me go through withdrawls, so I know where your husband is coming from.-Please stop the cycle-You can do it!