keltie

I did it. I feel almost euphoric but terrified. Some of you know I've been bouncing around on and off, trying to quit my vicodin habit. I recently (6 wks ago) made a contact (she's kind of a friend) and began buying them. I didn't ever feel good about it and lived in terrible fear I'd be found out.

The stress began feeling like it was killing me- I'm not kidding. Tears are rolling down my face right now as I write this. The guilt is unbearable- I haven't spent that much in the big scheme but anything is too much and if my husband found out he may have even divorced me. He has been nothing but supportive to me- even when I revealed my doctor shopping around Christmas and quit that.

I've bounced around NA and my friends there are texting and calling and worried bc I have been a no-show for a month. I am meeting my sponsor for lunch Wednesday.

I am looking at my two daughters and feel so guilty that I could die. The only way to make up for it is to QUIT and stay quit. I was going to do this one last deal to last me through my sister's wedding (we leave to go cross country in 10 days) but instead i will be detoxing w/tramadol, which has always worked for me in the past. I also have T1's and will hopefully be able to stave off the worst of it. My "dealer" was even worried about me- we had already agreed that she would tell me NO after this time and she is actually very kind- she was gonna help me by working out together and staying strong. She is not addicted but has been in the past.

Please help me stay strong. I feel good right now for the first time in months but I know it could be fleeting. I've not been able to stay consistent- I always find a way to go back. I can't let it suck me in. I need your support. Thank you.

Dee74

That's a great move Keltie - don't go backwards now
you can do this

D

lostinthedeep

Wow, we have a LOT in common! Your withdrawal will be not as nasty using the trams and T1's so that's good. I feel like we work ourselves up so much about the sickness of withdrawal and honestly, it's really like having a terrible flu for 3 days. It's the mental stuff that's much more difficult to deal with, in my opinion. I think the key is to tell your addict brain, "F YOU!" when it is telling you when you're feeling like a lump of poo during withdrawal, "well you could go buy 2 today to help then tomorrow will be better and you will be OK"- or telling yourself you need them because you have a social thing to attend or you had a fight with your boyfriend/husband... I'm planning to remind myself that normal people deal with **** like that every day and don't need to pop pills to function. I want to be one of those people SO badly. I've made lists of the money I've spent on the pills, the people I've lied to, the people I've stolen from, the reasons why I should quit... I have those lists ready to study if I want to call my dealer and beg him to let me buy a few even though I told him not to let me. Also remind yourself when you want to cave about all the things you have to be grateful for- and to be grateful your husband hasn't found out, and that you have 2 beautiful daughters... the time to get out is NOW before things get BAD. We've been walking on thin ice for so long, it's almost like we're used to it- just think of how nice it will be to relax once we're out of the woods... not be looking over our shoulder anymore or silently falling apart inside and not be able to explain to anyone what you're feeling.

NO amount of these pills can kill the anxiety we carry with us each and every day we continue to use it.

I'm also thinking about going to my dr. and telling her everything. Then there's no going back.

I still can't believe I had the balls to say NO today knowing I will be out of vicodin tonight!

WE BOTH ROCK for turning them down! That's a huge step! ))

keltie

Yay us! LOL I already confessed to Dr so they won't prescribe any more than I need like if I had surgery (which I did a couple wks ago on my back.) I do recommend telling on yourself.

Thanks Dee!

atimeofchoice

Keltie, you have a plan in place and a deep, deep desire to live your life in a much better way.....you absolutely have my support and the support of a ton of people on this site.

I'm so glad you're here!

-A

england

Good luck - I know you can do it

Stopdropburn

Way to go keltie!!! Super proud of your proactive choices. Cutting off your own dealer is hard, I remember doing the same and posting about it - and I haven't heard from him since! But it felt so great taking control of my own use and choice to seek. You got this, be strong and thank you for all the support you've given to myself and everyone else on this site!

AtomChick

Keltie- I wish ya a very successful life and loving your daughters. One thing I will remember for the rest of my life is Day 2 and its late evening well midnight and my daughter was standing over me as I laid on the floor in my bathroom while at the peak of my detox. That look of horror on her face tho she thought I had a bad flu, I know what was really going on..... That one moment will keep me away from the codeine I crave.

Chrisy

Good work. I am so proud of you. I am on day 2 of withdrawing from oxycodone.I go to my pain management doctor tomorrow and we will come up with another way then opiates. I don't want to be a slave to a drug anymore. I want to be a free women able to enjoy life.

We are here for you.

Love and Blessings
Chrisy

finaltime

I am SO SO SO SO SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!! And you guys are right, nothing I mean nothing is worth the guilt and shame we feel after buying or lying to get our pills...It is amazing how much they take over our lives, and even though we might look like we have our lives together, we didn't. Not having that extreme guilt, or that extreme paranoia I would get every 4th or 5th day when I would be out of pills, feels amazing. Not having to drive around the city, or to different doctors looking for pills is such a relief. Not to mention the MONEY I have now, but I can never replace the thousands and thousands I spent on stupid PILLS!!! Stay STRONG EVERYONE>

sophiamarie2007

Way to go Keltie! So proud of you!!

Tryin2Recover

Recommit yourself to the meetings, you can do this!

keltie

Thank you everyone, from the bottom of my heart.