Threshold

I am, once again, finding myself where I always seem to find myself.

I'm suicidal, so that I get into the twisted thinking of "if I get wasted/drunk...or at least enough to pass out...I'll make it through the night without killing myself"

the old lesser of two evils thing. I don't want to give up. Am I a complete liar and idiot to come here and read...drink in hand, pills in front of me, hoping that by keeping my toe in recovery...by waking up and doing step work, that somehow...If I don't do myself in....I can get back into the swing of things?

I mean, I know I am in a really bad, dangerous way...but I don't want to lose any of the gains I've made in recovery. I've learned some things...they don't seem to be able to counteract my mental illness, but I DO feel I am making headway...which is nuts, because if I was...I wouldn't still be using would I?

Staying in the conversations seems like it has to be better than just saying F it and stomping off mad. Of turning my back on recovery entirely..

Luweez

I agree. Staying in the conversation is definitely better Threshold. I'm thinking about you and wish things were easier for you. Even if it's just one toe in the water of recovery, next week maybe one foot will be in, and then two. Im me, tho I might not have a load of advice I am here to listen

Threshold

Thanks Luweez, I am so discouraged right now. It seems that no matter what I do...I end up same place over and over and over again. I'm out of ideas. I know recovery is the answer, ,what am I doing wrong?

keltie

Threshold I'm sorry you are so down. Glad to see you writing though. You are not a liar or an idiot- you are in real pain and depression. How is your relationship- are you still in that one? You have been through so much lately...you have many friends here who want to see you succeed and heal. ((hugs))

soberlicious

Threshold, my apologies if I've misunderstood, but are you still drinking/using? If not, how long has it been since everything has been out of your system? I wanted to respond, but wasn't clear on where you were right now.
Thinking of you and I understand the pain.

Threshold

I have one drink maybe 4 nights a week. The only pills I take are antihistamines at bedtime to help me sleep. I mean pills other than my Rx psych meds. So I am "using" in the sense that I am not totally 100% clean, but I am not getting wasted or F'd up.

my dr upped one of my anti deppresants last week because I've been suicidal. This morning I am totally out of my mind, nuts. No good reason. Nothing wrong, day off, nice weather...just don't want to go on.

I've been upping my prayer, meditation, and step work, too much chocolate? I mean, I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't seem to take care of myself and I have no one to take care of me when I get like this.

when everything I do isn't enough to keep me safe..then what's left?

I truly thought recovery was going to help with this sort of thing. But it seems to make no diff whatsoecver. take meds or dont...do steps or not, no matter what, same old thing...end up wanting to be dead, and alone and terrified. Oh yeah, now I remember THIS Is why I used in the first place...to try to go on, in spite of feeling this way, that was when I had a family and spouse and kids and it mattered if I was functional. Now there is just me. and I'm not functional, and it doesn't seem to matter.

soberlicious

I only asked because I believe that any amount of alcohol could be exacerbating the depression and interfering with your meds. You've probably already checked on it, but could there also be contraindications with the antihistamines and your psych meds? I'm sure you work closely with your Dr. But I really think your system should be completely clear of alcohol and other meds (even OTC, unless ok'd by the dr.) as you sort through all this.

I know sometimes it seems no one understands, but I do. I have been literally crippled, unable to move/function, by my fear, depression, anxiety. Do not stop trying. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what.

It matters if you're functional or not, even if right now it's "just you". Just you is enough.

Threshold

thanks sober.

my dr said the antihistamines for sleep were ok. I know I should use NO alcohol at all, so my bad there.

I went on a pretty rough hike today to wear myself out and put the time to good use, Sunshine and excercise are never a bad thing.

Did a lot of meditating and thinking about life, recovery and all that stuff.

Kept myself safe for a few more hours.

truly, I need to have a house with my own rubber room...ugh

JustAYak

((Threshold))

soberlicious

well for me what was left was that rubber room...only I didn't get the option of having it in my home. I lost all my options, but I was safe from myself. I worked very hard after leaving the pysch ward on addressing my depression and anxiety because not having choices really p*sses me off...and that's an understatement.
If I recall correctly, you are finalizing or have recently finalized a difficult divorce. While I'm not saying that this is necessarily the cause of your depression, consider that it certainly has a huge impact right now on your feelings. You will not always feel this way. The pain will not always be so intense. Cliche, I know, irritating, yep I know, I used to hate when people would spew that stupid sh*t at me, but it really is true.
Glad you got out today and hiked.

Threshold

yes Sober, I've been "rubber roomed" a time or two (or six) as well, not in my home but in an institutions, and I agree HUGE incentive to work, work, work on my stuff.

My discouragement grows because in spite of decades of addressing "my stuff" with therapy, meds, lifestyle changes etc etc my mental illness worsens with age and my frequency of visits to institutions increases.

My mantra is "do everything you can while you are still able to do it"

Aging places certain types of limitations on all of us. I find it very hard for my intellect to accept that the increasing limitations facing me include mental health ones. Terrifies the crap out of me.

I never make good choices when I am living in a place of fear. Finding it hard to shake that feeling lately.