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Where I'm at now

Old 04-25-2012, 04:07 PM
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Where I'm at now

Greetings again everyone. I posted on someone else's thread for the first time early this month. I knew back then that I had to seriously change course because I felt dead inside. No war stories here but to clarify, I was first prescribed Hydrocodone 5/500 about 9 years ago after a diagnosis of a multitude of lower back issues. Guess what? They worked and I took them as prescribed with no adverse effects. Fast forward to last December and I had ultimately graduated to at least 2 x 30mg OxyContin AND at least 4 x 10/500 Lortabs a day. Mind you this was all legally prescribed for pain and it still took care of pain but I felt like a real hollow man inside. Hard to describe but I'm sure folks here know exactly what I mean. Like the Pink Floyd song Comfortably Numb, it seemed like "the child was gone, the dream was gone". I'm an active guy with a real zest for life and adventure in general but it truly felt like the curtains were closing on my mind and my life. I was terrified of the WD's that I've read about and partially experienced myself on many occasions in the past when my scrips wouldn't last a full month so that put me off for a few months. Hard to believe the first few times it happened, I actually thought that I did have a flu or something. Never did I consider how hooked I was. Until recently.

I finally strapped a pair on and told my Doc that I wanted off narcotic pain meds and was going to wean myself down slowly. The Doc was "kind of" supportive I guess and gave me a scrip for 50mg Tramadol tabs to help. I wasn't crazy about the rot gut sensation I got from them, their high price and the fact that they have an SSRI component about them. I didn't want to get into a habit with "feel good" meds and while not considered a narcotic, I read that the damn Trams also attach to opiate receptors in the brain. Just like regular Opies just not quite the same buzz potential. I stopped taking them after just 4 or 5 days.

So as the title of this post says, here's where I'm at now. I so did not want to deal with full blown WD's that I committed myself to a relatively aggressive taper. As of 1 week ago I successfully eliminated the OxyContins completely and currently only take 3 x 10/500 Lortabs a day. While I already feel much better I know I have a ways to go yet. The plan is to continue tapering to about 5 or 10mg daily of Hydrocodone and then leap into cleanville. I know that sharing "experience, strength and hope" is important in any feat of recovery so I'll close for now and thank you folks for being here too.

BTW, the jimmy legs are still annoying and the head games are non-stop since my aggressive taper has me on the verge of WD symptoms since I'm only dosing thrice daily (for now). My back is on fire but I am determined to push through the pain because as one poster said on a forum (not sure if it was SR or not) "we are finally alive again, the clouds lift slowly and our brains must again start making the chemicals that we were artificially supplying for so long". That might not be 100% accurate but it fits how I feel lately. It's fun to be alive again!

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Old 04-25-2012, 05:19 PM
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Yea, I got withdrawals after stopping Tramadol, not as bad as quitting percs though. Obviously do what your doc says but I stay away from Kratom too. It's completely legal so I thought it couldn't be that bad, it binds to the MU receptor as well, I got withdrawals from that almost just as bad.
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Old 04-26-2012, 07:31 AM
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Thanks John. I've read about Kratom and almost tried it but like the Trams, I thought that I'd just be jumping from the frying pan into the fire (again). Like the K2 craze that fizzled, there are going to be tons of people that try that Kratom crap because, what the heck, it's legal. I thought that too about my pain meds and look where it got me. My thought for the day:
"Just cause it's legal doesn't mean it's good for you"

I really want my sharp thinking, fun loving self back and I'm not going to surrender to the wacky thoughts that pop into my head (all the time). I like what one poster said recently:
"Keep strong, remember the prize and stay thirsty my friends"
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Old 05-02-2012, 08:51 AM
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Not really sure that chronicling experience on the ether helps anyone or anything but SWIM thinks WTF?, it can't hurt, so here's where SWIM's at now. 3x5mg/day. I know some heavy hitters out there may laugh at SWIM's peak of 100mg/day total but for said SWIM to be where it's at now is freaking huge. SWIM still continually fights the urge to stay where it's at "for obvious pain issues" but SWIM is determined to break through to the other side. SWIM almost wanted to make the leap into freedom today. It felt like it could have but SWIM has been kicking this taper in the ass and just wants to lessen the complications as much as possible. OK, SWIM is a wuss. SWIM knows this is still gonna be hard but for today, SWIM feels on course and ready to be free. For the first time in a long time.
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Old 05-02-2012, 08:56 PM
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Wow, way to jump right in FMTT! What a cool introduction. You sound very focused and ready to do this thing, man!! You have a lot of great energy going on...

I am currently using tram's with much success weaning off about 100mg per day of vicodin. My usage wasn't always that high but had gotten to that point. The trams work for me, I don't abuse them, and they allow me to come down softly. I just can't handle the cold turkey harshness.

I'm glad you're here and would love to hear more of your chronicles!
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Old 05-02-2012, 09:50 PM
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Welcome...

Please see if this link about pain management is useful for you

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...onic-pain.html
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Old 05-03-2012, 06:38 AM
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Thank you Carol for that very deep and informative link. Honestly though? I'm not really sure how to take it. While it stresses caution and care in pain relief for "addicts", it almost leaves the door open for opiate use with serious CP patients like myself. While I don't know what the future holds for me in the long run, the immediate goal that I've set for myself is to get off the narcotic pain relief. At least for a period of time to see what the hell that feels like. Right now the pain is substantial but I vacillate between embracing the pain and cursing it multiple times a day. I am alive though and that feels good.

Thanks also to Keltie for the words of support. I may have to go back to a few Trams when my wean in complete. I must be getting close because while the WD symptoms aren't terrible, the few remaining doses I allow myself daily don't do much of anything but keep my GI distress in check.
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Old 05-04-2012, 08:47 AM
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I woke up at 3am (my time) seriously dope sick with jimmy-legs and cramps. I was very tempted to up my dosage because "this is ******** and I have a lot to do this weekend". Talk about ********? I know that I am where I need to be and my complete jump into opiate freedom is very close. Back is killing me, knees are killing me, my gut is in knots. **** it all. I will continue to embrace the pain because I've been imprisoned by opiates for way too long. I feel sometimes that I'm living in my own Shawshank Redemption. As I crawl through the sewage of my remaining habit, I continue to focus on the freedom and the light and the reward that goes with my hopefully eventual freedom from bondage.
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:08 AM
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You're almost out of the woods. Give it a few days and your physical W/D will be over. THe worse W/D I ever went through was 5 days of maddening hell. By day 9-10, I was a new person. No Physical W/D at all - just mental.
Trust me when I say that when you're out of the physical W/D symptom, the mental part is a whole new game. It's as if you lost a good friend. You miss that high you used to get and you pine for it. But here's the deal, stick with it and the light of day gets brighter as every new week approaches.
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Old 05-26-2012, 07:08 AM
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Thanks to everyone who contributed to my post. I felt very low in early April when I first started coming around here as my story above describes. I was able to successfully taper down to 3x5mg/day of hydrocodone pretty quickly. I ended up staying there longer than initially planned for a variety of reasons. I finally got back on track and jumped into freedom from opiates this past Monday. So now I've got about 4 1/2 days clean from narcotic pain medication. The pain that those damn pills took care of is pretty intense and, while the WD's aren't fun, I'm really working hard to reprogram my pain threshold. If that makes any sense. I was told early on that "recovery is not linear" and I personally found out what that means. Days 1 and 2 weren't really that bad. Days 3 and 4 felt like they should have been day one. WTF? The jimmy legs are easing up a little and I actually slept about 5 hours last night. I was gonna chronicle my adventure in greater detail but this is it for now. I am careful to not get too cocky but this is the longest I've been opiate free in almost a decade. Pain is my body's way of telling me that I am totally alive again. At least that's what I keep telling myself. All the best to everyone else struggling out there.
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Old 05-26-2012, 08:10 AM
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I so hope this new path works out for you..
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Old 05-26-2012, 01:07 PM
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Best of luck FMTT, you can do it!
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Old 05-27-2012, 03:45 AM
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Thanks everyone. It's the middle of my fifth day. Legs are easing up and so is the need for Loperimide. I hope. I'm still not getting more than 5 hrs. sleep a nite but I guess I should be grateful for that. Almost felt like I threw my back out last nite. First thought was, "what if I HAVE to use?" Pain is my weakness and bondage to these pills leaving me. Emotions running a bit high though. Like a roller-coaster really of ups a and downs. It's actually quite refreshing if not inappropriate at times. I'm not going to listen much to the BS that those little bastids are already whispering in my ear. I do hope my scatterbrained thought process dissipates soon also. Who'd a thought that a narcotic would make my brain SEEM more focused? Weird. Still digging freedom though. A lot. First time in almost a freaking decade. I just broke free of my DOC folks but I can assure you that I am already feeling the benefits of that freedom. Big time peace and strength to all.
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Old 05-27-2012, 06:38 AM
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FMTT,
I'm a Chronic Pain person under the care of a Pain MGM center. I've been on the pain med roller coaster for 5 years now? Something like that - ANYWAY...
This year I decided I'd be doing things differently than relying on pills. Besides the good diet and exercise I decided to see a shrink.
I've discovered many things about myself during this time and one of biggest things for me was I was officially diagnosed with ADHD. I've know I've had this all my life but always "managed" it. After a few months of going to the shrink and doing better, he placed me on some non-narcotic ADHD meds.
Going to the shrink is perhaps one of the best things I've ever done. I discovered that I relied on my pain meds for just more than "pain". Here I am months later and I haven't had a pain med in weeks? I have pain meds in the cabinet and walk by them all the time without even thinking about it. I no longer focus on my pain. I focus on everything else in my life.
My point is, that perhaps you should seek some professional help. In all the reading I've done, addiction is the result of MANY factors. I've also learned that pain can be more than just a physical condition. Think about reaching out to a professional. It helped me get my life back on track and my marriage/friendships/work has all benefited greatly from it too.
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Old 05-30-2012, 05:10 PM
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9 days free! A week and 2 days is not much time at all but this short span is the longest I've been free from pills in almost a decade. Still not getting much sleep but the other WD symptoms are easing up considerably. My back pain is still there but I'm getting used to it.

@ Ivan: Maybe I'm ADHD, bi-polar and socially unacceptable. I'll bet that every single person in this country could be found to have some condition if a doctor was properly motivated. I'm not dissing your circumstances but I've gotten along like this for almost 60 years so I'm not looking for a reason to take any more meds. I'm not knocking them and I know they work for many folks but I can't stop being reminded by the laundry list of contraindications that the pharm industry warns potential customers of. "if you experience thoughts of suicide, swollen lips, open sores, sore throat, earache, loss of appetite, high blood pressure or bleeding from the ass......see your doctor immediately". Well maybe not all that but you get my idea. You are a sage of sorts in these parts Ivan and I value your many contributions but I'm looking to avoid any more meds if at all possible. Also, I don't trust doctors. Unless they were prescribing me narcotics!

To show you all how determined I am to break this dependency to pills I will now don my nomex suit because I know some folks out there will flame me big time for my plan of attack. It would have been easy to just ditch all of my scrips but I wanted the break into freedom from pills to be on MY terms, not the pills. So I've got fresh scrips of my pain meds sitting right on my dresser in plain view. I walk by them every morning when I get up and I smile while reminding myself "I don't need them and I will not take them today". So far so good. I know, I know. Wait till PAWS sets in some will say. Well I say that beyond the physical WD's and obvious hurdles there, the rest of the journey will depend on what happens between my ears. I am absolutely determined to break this wicked reliance on pills. They removed my pain but they also took so much more out of my life. Life can be painful but if I try and take that pain away all the time, what else am I removing? Emotions, cares, desires, motivations, determinations, decisions, thoughts, plans....I could keep going on an on. I wanna start the next chapter in my life getting reintroduced to the whole human condition that I've effectively insulated myself from all these past years.

To all those who have struggled with opies like me, know this, when you are truly ready in your mind to live a life different from the one you have now....then you have overcome the first big hurdle. The rest will come in time if you really want it and work hard as hell. One day at a time. Or like some have said, "one hour or minute at a time". My time free from pills is short but I swear to you all that I'm already feeling and seeing the benefits of my recent decision. In spades! All the best to everyone.
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Old 05-30-2012, 06:05 PM
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FMTT,
Let me give you a little heads up. If you manage to get a few weeks under your belt, your addict brain will screw with your head REALLY BAD!
I just want to warn you that you may be playing with matches in the middle of the hay barn.

I have pain meds in my house right now but they are under the supervision of my wife. I told her to keep an eye on them. Yes they are available to me at any time but I cannot tell you how tempted I've been a few times to pop one when I wasn't in serious pain. I took me a YEAR to get to this level of control. My control is not just the strength to resist, but rather the fear of disappointing my wife as well. Disappointing her is the worse thing I could ever do.

My ADHD thing is something I've had all my life and I do agree with you when you say anyone can be diagnosed and medicated. Way too much of that going around for sure.
That is one reason I went the best Psychiatrist in this area. I did all the tests, He interviewed my wife and friends, went to many sessions. He just didn't dole out the pills on the first visit.
There was no doubt I need some help and I got it.
Of course, my situation is unique. I want to emphasize that seeing a mental health expert is a wonderful thing you can do for yourself. I know first hand how good it can do for person. Everyone is different and we all do things for different reasons.
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Old 05-31-2012, 05:56 AM
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Forget matches Ivan, I've got a brand new Zippo and it's fueled up. I could give you a million examples of how my behavior over the years has intentionally skirted disaster. In the past it's been part of the rush. This time it's a big part of my personal declaration of empowerment over something that had entirely too much control over me for way too many years. Oh, and why wait weeks? The thoughts come regularly right now. The latest was last night at 3am. Woke up with back screaming and RLS with no chance of getting back to sleep. One half Lortab and I'da been nice and sleeping in no time. Freedom is not free I reminded myself and now the sun is up and I'm working on day 10. I have a beautiful wife too who means the world to me but I'm doing this for me. If I allowed myself to slip into a perpetual legally induced narco-haze, our whole family would suffer. Not to mention all the opportunities missed or challenges failed because I was too numb to care.

Like you said Ivan, everyone's situation is different and I'm glad that you got the help you needed. I've had less good luck with head shrinks. Many years ago when my first marriage was crumbling, everyone and their brother suggested that I "talk with a professional" before making any "final decisions". Well I visited this one smacker for 5 sessions before it became all too apparent that he was an idiot with many certificates on the wall who was capable only of continually asking me questions and offering me nothing in the form of any guidance or assistance of any kind. I ended up making my final decision like I had to. On my own. Life is a wondrous, perplexing and sometimes frustrating journey. In the final analysis, much of that experience depends on choices that we make. I can't always stop the screaming impulses in my head but I can sure as hell prevent follow throughs that are known by me to lead to trouble. At least that's what I believe. Geez, after proof reading this I'm almost convinced that I really am mentally ill. Oh well, I am not going to beat myself up because I'm on day 10! Steady as she goes. All the best folks.
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Old 06-02-2012, 12:31 PM
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Worked in the yard today. Like a dog. I'm paying for it now but it was nice getting outside and being active. I still can't sleep more than about 4 hours a night and I still have mild RLS when I get tired. All other symptoms seem to be fading off but I'm gonna keep on guard for the goofy thoughts that continually creep in. This part isn't going to be easy but it's a lot better than it was this time last week. I'm still not very energetic and I push myself to do things. All this is my body learning to live without chemical enhancement so I will push on because I am FREE and that is very, very cool.
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Old 06-02-2012, 06:13 PM
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One day at a time, sometimes one step. Good job getting outside and doing things. Each day you will feel better. Drink a cup of sleepy time tea at night.
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Old 06-09-2012, 02:57 PM
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19 days and counting. I continue to push myself and try to stay busy but it's not easy. Still only getting 5 hours sleep tops. I should be grateful for that but my tail is really dragging. My spirits are strong even though my back, knees and now arthritis is giving me a ton of reminders why I took opies to begin with. Those little pills continue to remind me how they will fix all that ails me. I'm not gonna lie. It's seriously tempting sometimes especially since I decided to keep fresh scrips right in front of me. So far I'm still in the drivers seat and digging the hell out of not feeling that awful mental/physical jones for narcotics. That in itself is such a rush. In the beginning of my kick it truly felt like Satan was vacuuming my soul out but not any more. So what seems to be left for my body to repair is my sleep, my energy and my thought patterns. That last one is weird cause for the most part I am enjoying mental acuity that I haven't experienced since before starting these goddamn pills almost 10 years ago. Other times though I feel like a freaking ******. I don't expect this repair job to be quick so I am grateful for what I have gained in less than 3 short weeks. Oh, before anyone reminds me about PAWS, I've already experienced that. One day I'm sailing on top of the world and the next day all I can think of is pissing on the world and using. Crazy **** to be sure but I recognize it for what it is. Useless brain static. This is one crazy ride.
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