one year... so what?
polyaddicted cocanut
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Dixie
Posts: 781
one year... so what?
been sober a year today. not sure what the big deal is. Not like being sober today is any more special than being sober yesterday, or a few weeks ago. personally I think all this keeping time **** is a setup for failure and disappointment. People get too wrapped up in it. When they celebrate their year it's a big effin deal. I mean yeah I guess it;s important to celebrate a year of sobriety and it gives people more incentive not to relapse at the thought of "starting over", but it's really overhyped imo... time doesn't mean sh!t... I knew people who had been sober for decades and then they relapsed and died. So yeah, I got a year... but who really cares? What does it really mean? I don't give a damn about a plastic chip, nor do I care about flaunting how much time I have, because quite frankly I have no idea how I made it this far, I'm sure as hell not working any program of recovery... If rolling joints for people who are too drunk is recovery then I guess I'm doing it right. I am no different than someone who has been sober an hour. The only thing keeping me sober is the fact that I got brainwashed by rehab and AA and now a larger part of me is geared towards not using so if I did use I would be overwhelmed with regret and shame. Of course part of me wants to use, but I just think about how bad I would feel about it afterwards and there's never been an instance where it seems worth it. That's how I've been sober. And I curse AA and rehab for making me that way, but part of me is grateful. Even when I used I felt bad about it but not enough to stop haha... now I would feel too bad to even get started. Part of me really wants to use but I know if I did I wouldn't enjoy it. But who the hell knows what tomorrow will bring
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Sounds like you're not having a great time in sobriety. It takes more than getting clean to turn our lives into something we want to live. Some people find that in a formal program, others of us find others ways to create a life worth living.
Counting clean time isn't helpful to me, but it does help many people, and if that tool works for them, then they should use the heck out of it. Some people find counting HOURS a motivator for them. They are smart to keep track of hours if doing so keeps them on track.
I have to find something in life that I want, that I want enough to keep me working away and getting through the challenging parts. That is not always easy, and I can fall into hopelessness real quick. I got clean and I was like "Is THIS all there is? I got clean for THIS?" I felt like I'd been tricked.
People with clean time told me to hang in, that the fog would clear and that it WOULD be worth it, but it was a process. Part of the process, I learned, was getting sick of clean time being as pointless as wasted time was, and since I now knew getting wasted would get me nowhere, changing some things about my life clean.
I have to find something I give at least a shadow of a crap about, and work towards it...sometimes those things are pretty flimsy, but they get me through a day, and if I keep on, I get a little more interested in life...but sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back, then I dust myself off and get on with it again.
I know for sure that getting wasted isn't the answer, so I keep making efforts towards a better way. It took some planning and initiative to get wasted. The goods didn't fall into my lap, it cost money etc, so I know that getting anything I want is going to take some initiative as well. I can't expect that life is going to shower something on me just because I didn't use. That PO's me to no end. I want a reward just for being clean.
I think maybe clean time matters more to people who have found some joy and solace in being clean. When getting clean itself didn't bring about some star spangled improvement in life...maybe it matters less. If it's not that much better than being wasted, why celebrate it? So instead I have to find something I DO care about, that IS better than being wasted.
anyway, that's how this thing has felt for me.
Counting clean time isn't helpful to me, but it does help many people, and if that tool works for them, then they should use the heck out of it. Some people find counting HOURS a motivator for them. They are smart to keep track of hours if doing so keeps them on track.
I have to find something in life that I want, that I want enough to keep me working away and getting through the challenging parts. That is not always easy, and I can fall into hopelessness real quick. I got clean and I was like "Is THIS all there is? I got clean for THIS?" I felt like I'd been tricked.
People with clean time told me to hang in, that the fog would clear and that it WOULD be worth it, but it was a process. Part of the process, I learned, was getting sick of clean time being as pointless as wasted time was, and since I now knew getting wasted would get me nowhere, changing some things about my life clean.
I have to find something I give at least a shadow of a crap about, and work towards it...sometimes those things are pretty flimsy, but they get me through a day, and if I keep on, I get a little more interested in life...but sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back, then I dust myself off and get on with it again.
I know for sure that getting wasted isn't the answer, so I keep making efforts towards a better way. It took some planning and initiative to get wasted. The goods didn't fall into my lap, it cost money etc, so I know that getting anything I want is going to take some initiative as well. I can't expect that life is going to shower something on me just because I didn't use. That PO's me to no end. I want a reward just for being clean.
I think maybe clean time matters more to people who have found some joy and solace in being clean. When getting clean itself didn't bring about some star spangled improvement in life...maybe it matters less. If it's not that much better than being wasted, why celebrate it? So instead I have to find something I DO care about, that IS better than being wasted.
anyway, that's how this thing has felt for me.
polyaddicted cocanut
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Dixie
Posts: 781
Good point. I don't have much direction in my life right now... Where is this going? But I will say, a sober life is much more meaningful to me. Ive always felt that way, even if it was a very small part of me
I Am Burning ; I Will Rise
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 286
I think a year is pretty damn awesome myself. At some point, all of us have said "I'm going to be on this forever", and being able to look back on a whole year in your life without that DOC seems pretty cool. Maybe not everyone counts, but a year is still a pretty big feat. Many people don't count birthdays anymore either, but every year you know you're older and, sometimes, wiser and you've accomplished another whole year. I think it's great. Maybe because I'm only at 54 days I am seeing it differently. But it's inspiring all the same. I don't count every day now, but I keep tabs on my progress, it gives me an actual idea of how hard I've worked and for how long, and I know if I use then I just wasted the last 54 days of my life, and I'e already wasted enough years. Congrats on your year.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I hope you'll find some happiness and peace this UO...I really believe recovery should be treasured and celebrated not endured.
If recovery's a bit of a trudge maybe you need to look at what you're doing?
I dunno whether this was a metaphor or not
but it's not recovery - I did that...that's being sober (technically anyway) but still living your old life - I found no growth in that - maybe that's your problem too? 
D
If recovery's a bit of a trudge maybe you need to look at what you're doing?
I dunno whether this was a metaphor or not
If rolling joints for people who are too drunk is recovery then I guess I'm doing it right.
D
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
My ABF cried to me once that he wished he had six years sober. I have six years sober, and it was in the middle of an Intervention episode, which I watch religiously, and surprisingly, got him into as well.
I said, oh so cleverly, "you can, in six years."
I don't care about the six years. What I do care about, is six years later, I still have to fight with myself about doing a pill or something if I get really mad. Yeah, so don't get really mad, I know, but I am also a rageaholic, and I am very active in that addiction.
I don't think it matters. What I think, is that you were sober today, and you are going to sleep sober tonight. It is one more day you didn't waste of the rest of your life.
I said, oh so cleverly, "you can, in six years."
I don't care about the six years. What I do care about, is six years later, I still have to fight with myself about doing a pill or something if I get really mad. Yeah, so don't get really mad, I know, but I am also a rageaholic, and I am very active in that addiction.
I don't think it matters. What I think, is that you were sober today, and you are going to sleep sober tonight. It is one more day you didn't waste of the rest of your life.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hey UO. Some people celebrate, some don't. I usually acknowledge my yearly anniversary because I am truly happy to be free of my addiction. I have changed my life and I think that bears a small nod. I got tat number 7 this last year, a big one from my hip to my shoulder. Love it! But I hear you on the hooplah. I'm not big on people telling me how proud they are of me. I'm doing what I should have always been doing. Duh.
LOL me too...but I have been known to bust out and drop it like it's hot wherever and whenever I feel like it. Too frequently if you ask my kids, but whatever...they'll live.
UO, you don't have to work a specific program of recovery to find direction, happiness, and peace. Find out what makes you really laugh, what gets your pulse going, what you're passionate about, what makes you think hard and go "huh?". I'm not going to judge your pasttime of rolling joints for those who are too drunk. I would just get bored with that. What do you want out of life now that you are not bound by addiction?
Originally Posted by anvilhead
i don't exactly throw back the covers each morning, bounding out of bed with girlish enthusiasm and start singing showtunes, but i really really LIKE my life today.
UO, you don't have to work a specific program of recovery to find direction, happiness, and peace. Find out what makes you really laugh, what gets your pulse going, what you're passionate about, what makes you think hard and go "huh?". I'm not going to judge your pasttime of rolling joints for those who are too drunk. I would just get bored with that. What do you want out of life now that you are not bound by addiction?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
You mightn't care, but I do! One year is one big heck of a deal. It's one year in which didn't make a mess of yourself with drugs or alcohol. It's one year in which your body and mind has begun to heal. It's one year in which you didn't engage in dangerous practices that endangered yourself and others. I think it's fabulous that you have a year up and I hope you find some comfort and happiness in your sobriety real soon. Chin up
polyaddicted cocanut
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Dixie
Posts: 781
Thanks y'all. And I got to celebrate it by having my car searched and doing a field sobriety test on the side of the interstate. Here's the kicker- I was sober. I now have a 185 dollar ticket to pay. It was awesome though, being completely sober, not having any illegal substances in the car, and just sitting back, letting the cop be a dick, and watching in amusement as he grew more and more frustrated that he couldn't find a reason to arrest me. He still kept insisting that I was on something, and even asked if I had a head injury, which I found rather insulting. I tried to explain to him that I got an allergy shot today and I have bad allergy problems, thus the swollen, glassy eyes with circles under them. I'm not going to go into a long drawn out story of what all happened, but I was speeding- however, it was a dirty cop... I've got a lot of respect for cops and have met some very cool ones in the past. This one was crooked as hell though.
I do have more meaning in my life now and I do find things that are awesome, but lately I've just started hanging out with old friends to "test the waters". Kind of like a mid life crisis so to speak... like "do I really want this?"
Right now I'm just in a situation where I don't know what I want to do with my life, career wise. Kind of depressed, I don't have much motivation to get up in the morning anymore. I don't have a job, so I can't afford to do the things I enjoy. I don't have a girlfriend, I'm frustrated with my social anxiety issues, and I hate school. Academically I have the potential, I just have absolutely no interest. The idea of studying and going to class bores the hell out of me. And for what?! I don't know what I'm going to school for or what I want to do when I get older. I'm on the honor roll and I don't even study, I don't do sh!t. When I try to I lack focus, and it's frustrating knowing that if I did have the drive to study I could be making incredible grades. But what for? That's the question. School seems like a waste of money to me. And time. But if I don't go to school, then what? That's the most frustrating thing about my life. I've always been a dreamer. I never live in the moment, I just dream... I miss right now... and in turn I get nothing accomplished. I recognize my potential I just haven't capitalized on it yet. When I don't I stress out and feel even more down. I know drinking, smoking pot, or using cocaine won't fix any of those problems. Neither will medication (xanax etc). At a point in time I had a strong faith in God and that kept me going, but now I am more of a skeptic and am frustrated with the world around me. What is the purpose of all this? The thought of going to school and being in debt before I even start out in life, and then working full time doing the same **** everyday just so I can live seems depressing as hell to me. I was going to join the military but they don't want me 'cause I've been to rehab. But who needs them anyways, I don't agree with half the things our gov't does so why would I want to become their property (not trying to offend anybody, I have mad respect for our troops, hell I wanted to be one)...
I was never the "cool" kid in school. Most kids had hobbies from a young age that they maintained up until present day, and they are damn good at them. Me? I went through phases. Every year, something different. Baseball. Tennis. Golf. Guitar. Skateboarding. Video-games. Drugs. Now it's hunting, fishing, guns, and knives (which I have always liked as kid, but never really serious about them). The result? I'm mediocre at best at everything. I'm 19 years old and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing I'm good at. Even when I did drugs I sucked at it. I used alone 95% of the time. Half the time I had panic attacks that made the experience highly unpleasant. I thought doing cocaine would give me attention. I thought it would turn me into the outgoing and confident person I always wanted to be. I was addicted to it before I even tried it. I had it out in my mind that even if the drug didn't help me out, it would still be cool to be an "addict" and talk about how I "overcame that addiction"... It was a plea for attention. I went to rehab in hopes of taking a break, I reached a dead end. No money. Failing school. Panic disorder. I was hoping to gain the attention and pity I longed for by going to rehab, and at the same time take care of my anxiety issues so I could jump back into using as soon as I got out. Then they started teaching me all this recovery ****. Some of it stuck. Then a year and one day ago I relapsed. I threw half a gram of cocaine away because I felt too much disgust and remorse that I couldn't enjoy it. Had I not run out of money, and developed anxiety problems, I never would have quit using anything. I wanted people to feel sorry for me. I wanted people to think "oh wow he overcame a drug addiction how cool" while secretly blowing lines in the bathroom. At first I tried too hard to be an addict. And then I eventually realized that I was an addict before I ever touched a mind altering substance.
Never had a girlfriend- and the frustrating part is not because I'm just completely repulsive, what's frustrating is I actually have the potential to date an attractive girl, I just lack the skills... I've spent most of my life alone. Being an only child that's just how I learned to live. It's a miracle I was even born, I mean, from what I am told I was almost aborted, and then when I was born I was supposed to die, my mom was supposed to die, and here I am alive and breathing and slowly killing myself one cigarette at a time. Disgusting. How could I abuse a drug like cocaine... why would I smoke marijuana all day everyday for years? Why would I take such a large amount of benzos that I wake up 24 hours later on the floor with no recollection of what happened? What is it I was running from? Over a year ago I never thought I would experience pleasure, happiness, or excitement again. Today I do laugh, and I do get excited, and I do have fun. No, I'm not great. But I'm grateful to be better than I was. I had all out panic disorder and bad depression- I was too afraid to live and too afraid to die. Now I don't have panic attacks anymore and I just have social anxiety, no "bad" depression. I hate talking about myself because I always feel arrogant and conceited, I'm not that special of a person, trust me... but hell it sure does help to get my thoughts out sometimes. And if you read this then kudos... I appreciate all the input you guys have to offer. Today, no I don't want attention, and I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and I do admit I often catch myself feeling sorry for myself. But why? I have a lot to be thankful for. So many people have it much, much, worse, and I don't hear/see them complaining. I can't even feel sorry for myself because I know I'm capable of much more anyways. Just gotta get off my lazy ass and quit bitchin and moanin and just get movin
I do have more meaning in my life now and I do find things that are awesome, but lately I've just started hanging out with old friends to "test the waters". Kind of like a mid life crisis so to speak... like "do I really want this?"
Right now I'm just in a situation where I don't know what I want to do with my life, career wise. Kind of depressed, I don't have much motivation to get up in the morning anymore. I don't have a job, so I can't afford to do the things I enjoy. I don't have a girlfriend, I'm frustrated with my social anxiety issues, and I hate school. Academically I have the potential, I just have absolutely no interest. The idea of studying and going to class bores the hell out of me. And for what?! I don't know what I'm going to school for or what I want to do when I get older. I'm on the honor roll and I don't even study, I don't do sh!t. When I try to I lack focus, and it's frustrating knowing that if I did have the drive to study I could be making incredible grades. But what for? That's the question. School seems like a waste of money to me. And time. But if I don't go to school, then what? That's the most frustrating thing about my life. I've always been a dreamer. I never live in the moment, I just dream... I miss right now... and in turn I get nothing accomplished. I recognize my potential I just haven't capitalized on it yet. When I don't I stress out and feel even more down. I know drinking, smoking pot, or using cocaine won't fix any of those problems. Neither will medication (xanax etc). At a point in time I had a strong faith in God and that kept me going, but now I am more of a skeptic and am frustrated with the world around me. What is the purpose of all this? The thought of going to school and being in debt before I even start out in life, and then working full time doing the same **** everyday just so I can live seems depressing as hell to me. I was going to join the military but they don't want me 'cause I've been to rehab. But who needs them anyways, I don't agree with half the things our gov't does so why would I want to become their property (not trying to offend anybody, I have mad respect for our troops, hell I wanted to be one)...
I was never the "cool" kid in school. Most kids had hobbies from a young age that they maintained up until present day, and they are damn good at them. Me? I went through phases. Every year, something different. Baseball. Tennis. Golf. Guitar. Skateboarding. Video-games. Drugs. Now it's hunting, fishing, guns, and knives (which I have always liked as kid, but never really serious about them). The result? I'm mediocre at best at everything. I'm 19 years old and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing I'm good at. Even when I did drugs I sucked at it. I used alone 95% of the time. Half the time I had panic attacks that made the experience highly unpleasant. I thought doing cocaine would give me attention. I thought it would turn me into the outgoing and confident person I always wanted to be. I was addicted to it before I even tried it. I had it out in my mind that even if the drug didn't help me out, it would still be cool to be an "addict" and talk about how I "overcame that addiction"... It was a plea for attention. I went to rehab in hopes of taking a break, I reached a dead end. No money. Failing school. Panic disorder. I was hoping to gain the attention and pity I longed for by going to rehab, and at the same time take care of my anxiety issues so I could jump back into using as soon as I got out. Then they started teaching me all this recovery ****. Some of it stuck. Then a year and one day ago I relapsed. I threw half a gram of cocaine away because I felt too much disgust and remorse that I couldn't enjoy it. Had I not run out of money, and developed anxiety problems, I never would have quit using anything. I wanted people to feel sorry for me. I wanted people to think "oh wow he overcame a drug addiction how cool" while secretly blowing lines in the bathroom. At first I tried too hard to be an addict. And then I eventually realized that I was an addict before I ever touched a mind altering substance.
Never had a girlfriend- and the frustrating part is not because I'm just completely repulsive, what's frustrating is I actually have the potential to date an attractive girl, I just lack the skills... I've spent most of my life alone. Being an only child that's just how I learned to live. It's a miracle I was even born, I mean, from what I am told I was almost aborted, and then when I was born I was supposed to die, my mom was supposed to die, and here I am alive and breathing and slowly killing myself one cigarette at a time. Disgusting. How could I abuse a drug like cocaine... why would I smoke marijuana all day everyday for years? Why would I take such a large amount of benzos that I wake up 24 hours later on the floor with no recollection of what happened? What is it I was running from? Over a year ago I never thought I would experience pleasure, happiness, or excitement again. Today I do laugh, and I do get excited, and I do have fun. No, I'm not great. But I'm grateful to be better than I was. I had all out panic disorder and bad depression- I was too afraid to live and too afraid to die. Now I don't have panic attacks anymore and I just have social anxiety, no "bad" depression. I hate talking about myself because I always feel arrogant and conceited, I'm not that special of a person, trust me... but hell it sure does help to get my thoughts out sometimes. And if you read this then kudos... I appreciate all the input you guys have to offer. Today, no I don't want attention, and I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and I do admit I often catch myself feeling sorry for myself. But why? I have a lot to be thankful for. So many people have it much, much, worse, and I don't hear/see them complaining. I can't even feel sorry for myself because I know I'm capable of much more anyways. Just gotta get off my lazy ass and quit bitchin and moanin and just get movin
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((UO))) - I've got a little over 5 years in recovery, WAY older than you. I'm STILL dealing with concequences, but that's because I messed up as an RN and I'm getting a degree in another area of healthcare.
Today I've had a bad day. I really thought I'd have my life back together by now, but I don't. The one thing I DO know, however, is I don't wanna use. I don't want to bring any MORE bad consequences on myself, and I'm pretty sure that at some point, I will get past the "bad stuff".
I've also been pulled over by a cop in recovery. I had a bad reaction to the lidocaine from having teeth pulled and ran into the back of TWO cars within 10 minutes...same cop. The second time he said "I've got to do a field sobriety test on you". OMG, how many times would I have failed that? I did what he asked, said "did I pass?" and he said "are you in the back of my car?" Nope
Yep, had to pay tickets and my insurance went up, but I most certainly didn't have a drug charge added on to it.
We're all different, but I treasure my yearly anniversaries. I can see how much further I've come. No in my family knows the date, but it's special to me because I keep growing in recovery.
Congrats on a year!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Today I've had a bad day. I really thought I'd have my life back together by now, but I don't. The one thing I DO know, however, is I don't wanna use. I don't want to bring any MORE bad consequences on myself, and I'm pretty sure that at some point, I will get past the "bad stuff".
I've also been pulled over by a cop in recovery. I had a bad reaction to the lidocaine from having teeth pulled and ran into the back of TWO cars within 10 minutes...same cop. The second time he said "I've got to do a field sobriety test on you". OMG, how many times would I have failed that? I did what he asked, said "did I pass?" and he said "are you in the back of my car?" Nope
Yep, had to pay tickets and my insurance went up, but I most certainly didn't have a drug charge added on to it.We're all different, but I treasure my yearly anniversaries. I can see how much further I've come. No in my family knows the date, but it's special to me because I keep growing in recovery.
Congrats on a year!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by underoath
Just gotta get off my lazy ass and quit bitchin and moanin and just get movin
I'm 19 years old and I have nothing to show for it.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Youre right and youre wrong UO. Time can be meaningless, I have seen people with a few months have stronger recovery than one with 34 years. But consecutive day milestones (especially a year) is a pretty big deal. And weather you agree or not, I believe, if you are a member of AA or NA or any recovery group that recognizes time, it is your responsibility and OBLIGATION to announce your anniversary. It aint about you, it is about the newcomer who walks into the rooms that day and doesnt know if anything more than a few days of sobriety is possible. You owe the newcomer a shared piece of your hope. Dont ever forget what it is like to be that lost newcomer, grasping at hope wherever it can be found.
That being said, congrats my friend. A year is a big deal.
That being said, congrats my friend. A year is a big deal.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I know people who have counted the SECONDS they are sober.
It's a sad thing, and a happy thing at the same time.
Do what you do. Focus on yourself. You are here for a reason, and I highly doubt it has anything to do with drugs.
It's a sad thing, and a happy thing at the same time.
Do what you do. Focus on yourself. You are here for a reason, and I highly doubt it has anything to do with drugs.
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