JustAYak

So I have been out of step with therapy as I haven't been able to afford to keep going till recently so it's been a while. Luckily, I was able to hook back up with my old therapist so she already knows my past and current struggles pretty well and I see her tomorrow for the first time since December. But in the mean time...I just need to vent and kinda hold myself accountable--rat myself out, if you will.

I am dealing with a lot of nightmares and anxiety. The lack of sleep really plays with my head and puts me in a very very dark place. It gets my mind cycling about all the imperfections that comprise my being, how I am never able to hold onto relationships, how I cannot trust people and it's like I am stuck inside this hell I have made for myself. I can't get out of it, it feels so hopeless. I have spent so long working on myself and now I'm just done, I can't do it anymore, it takes so much out of me. It is exhausting--working so hard and getting no where. It makes me feel so raw and I just can't be around anyone because I'm not living in the "present," I'm living in my god damn head and when I'm with people, I'm not really "all there." They can tell. It annoys them just as much as it annoys me, so I stay away. And then suddenly everything turns into feelings of worthlessness and insignificance. Thoughts of death. And they're deeply rooted, disturbing. I am not necessarily suicidal, I don't have a plan and I will not act on these thoughts but they're so bothersome and I can't get them out of my head. I just feel like I'm drowning in misery and soon I'm not going to be able to get out.

Everything is so conflicting... I don't want to be around people yet I feel I need to be. I feel I am safest by myself, yet somehow, I'm not. I need to sort this out but I can't do it by myself and I am afraid I'm going to be turned loose from therapy and it's going to happen all over again, like it is now. My thoughts just spiral out of control when I have no structure in my life, but I screwed up my chances at having structure. I had it and then I lost it by fxcking up the very thing that was going to help me get out of this place. I need help and I want it more than anything, but I am always so afraid of being open with another person that it makes it impossible. I can tell my therapist events that lead up to how I have been feeling, but admitting that I'm this far down in a pit of self-destruction is so hard. Here I have protection, I can say what I want here because nobody really knows me. And nobody ever will. I find peace in that. When I am before a physical person, staring at me and trying to figure me out, I lock up and I can't say what I really want to, whatever is screaming inside me stays inside me... it's so frustrating...

So for now, I guess I am making a commitment to myself (and I guess to whoever reads this) to hang on till tomorrow, till my appointment, and maybe I'll muster of the courage to say what I want to say. Maybe...

Scolova

Reminds me of the line from The Smith's tune 'How soon is now';
I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

I still cannot break through that barrier (@40) and figure it was my upbringing, parents always telling me "There's nothing wrong with you", they just wanted to sweep the real problems under the rug and keep the outward appearance up. Everytime I tried to share what was wrong, the wrong stuff would come out of my mouth. I guess I am getting a little better, but it's still fairly difficult to convey any real thoughts or feelings in person.

Live

I AM able to tell on myself.....mostly because I have been doing this counseling thing for so long and there did come a point where I just got too sick to care what the other person thought of what I said....here it is.
BUT I still have things too difficult to talk about.
Thankfully I can write it down and hand it to my therapist.

I LOVE that quoted poem btw!

JustAYak

I guess I always feel like it's such a cop out to write it down and hand it over (that's just how I feel about it, not saying it's wrong at all--do what works for you). I don't think that would do anything for me...maybe because I'd feel like I was cheating myself. I feel like if I'm going to go out on a limb, I might as well throw myself out there instead of do it in little steps because little steps hasn't worked for me, it just results in me getting far enough out there that I get scared and pull myself right back in to where I started. I guess I have the "rip off the bandaid fast" mentality. Maybe that doesn't coincide with therapy so well...

I don't know what I'm going to say tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to tell her. I have a feeling I'm just going to spend the whole hour waffling back and forth between the should I or shouldn't I tell her this stuff? thoughts and never really get to anything meaningful which means I won't really feel any better afterwards which is really not good. I need some relief cause I'm heading down the wrong road right now and I can't stop!

Jilllian

what have you got to lose by telling her everything?
and do you think that you might feel a sense of relief it you did?
you're obviously pretty insightful, and i bet your therapist would appreciate
your honesty and candor.
it would make her job easier.
and it might make you feel better?

Jilllian

oh, and what i meant by making her job "easier" is just that she could help you better with full disclosure...

Threshold

nod, nod, nod nod nod, nod...wow, all of this feels SO familiar. wow.

one thing I learned in recovery is that I avoid confrontation to a pathological degree. Not just conflict or possibly negative confrontation, but confrontation in general.

Not telling the truth, the whole truth, etc...to my dr/therapist is familiar to me. I never lie, I just don't tell everything...I am working on this, now that I recognize my tendency.

If I am not able to say what needs to be said aloud...then sending an email, or printing out a blog or whatever has been better than me not sharing what needs to be shared.

I printed out many a blog for my last therapist...because the intended audience was, like posting here, the anonymous masses on the web, I felt safe to be frank.

I wish I could turn my head off at night to go to sleep...

JustAYak

It's just not that easy. I do think I would feel a sense of relief...after feeling some seriously intense fear as I would be telling her. I would like to tell her but it has been so ingrained in me over the years that talking about feelings is "bad" and only ends in consequences, it's still hard not feel the same way when talking with someone when logically I know they can't do anything to hurt me. I have gone out on that limb with the wrong people and it ALWAYS breaks, that's why it's so hard to trust this person and trust that they actually do care and have nothing to gain from this other than hopefully obtain some sort of satisfaction that they helped someone. My hands are tied by this fear and it's a hurdle I need to get over but there's no way to do that without help...how do you get help for something that you're unwilling to admit? You can't. Hands tied.

Guess I should probably try the writing and handing it over...looks like the only real solution here.

((Threshold)) - I wish I could turn my brain off too. Getting some decent sleep would make life so much easier...