Learning to love myself again.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Learning to love myself again.
Day 50 here of no opiates!!! 
I couldn't be prouder..my last go around I made it 34 days, back went out and my lovely addict brain convinced me before I could think that, "I will always need pills, I will just have to learn to control them!" Well that didn't work, this time I have dealt with it all.
One thing that has really opened my eyes this time around is how hard I am on myself. I have realized that for the past 6 years I haven't allowed myself to feel emotion. My two emotions for the past 6 years were high, or freaking out about how to get more pills..that was pretty much it. Well, now things are different and I just let myself feel. And this is not easy. Frequently I will smell the old pill smell and want to be angry, wondering why at this long am I still smelling that! Or sneezing will occur, or my body will ache, or I will have headaches, or I will be cranky. And I have to tell myself to relax, remember how long I abused and used my body, and how it is not going to be NORMAL right away. This takes time. It is similar to people on diets wanting to drop weight, they start on Mondays and expect by Thursday to notice a difference, then by Saturday they are eating carbs again. (this is also me lol) tackle that battle next lol. So, recovery is not quick, it takes time... I am learning that one slowly but surely. And I gain absolutely nothing by beating myself up. All I can do is love the sober me, forgive the addict in me but not give in, and live one minute at a time. Oh and live in the moment...now that I am not constantly playing hide and seek with pills, I can enjoy my moments. I am not always worried about making time to drive across town for the next purchase of 20.00 for one dang pill!!! SAY no to pills!!! I even hate taking ibuprofen now. And my back is better then ever, I swear to deep tissue massage.... Stay strong my friends. If I can do it, you can do it...now, how can I get back my retirement that I blew on pills...that is next!!! Thank God I am only 33, I have some time.
I couldn't be prouder..my last go around I made it 34 days, back went out and my lovely addict brain convinced me before I could think that, "I will always need pills, I will just have to learn to control them!" Well that didn't work, this time I have dealt with it all. One thing that has really opened my eyes this time around is how hard I am on myself. I have realized that for the past 6 years I haven't allowed myself to feel emotion. My two emotions for the past 6 years were high, or freaking out about how to get more pills..that was pretty much it. Well, now things are different and I just let myself feel. And this is not easy. Frequently I will smell the old pill smell and want to be angry, wondering why at this long am I still smelling that! Or sneezing will occur, or my body will ache, or I will have headaches, or I will be cranky. And I have to tell myself to relax, remember how long I abused and used my body, and how it is not going to be NORMAL right away. This takes time. It is similar to people on diets wanting to drop weight, they start on Mondays and expect by Thursday to notice a difference, then by Saturday they are eating carbs again. (this is also me lol) tackle that battle next lol. So, recovery is not quick, it takes time... I am learning that one slowly but surely. And I gain absolutely nothing by beating myself up. All I can do is love the sober me, forgive the addict in me but not give in, and live one minute at a time. Oh and live in the moment...now that I am not constantly playing hide and seek with pills, I can enjoy my moments. I am not always worried about making time to drive across town for the next purchase of 20.00 for one dang pill!!! SAY no to pills!!! I even hate taking ibuprofen now. And my back is better then ever, I swear to deep tissue massage.... Stay strong my friends. If I can do it, you can do it...now, how can I get back my retirement that I blew on pills...that is next!!! Thank God I am only 33, I have some time.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Thank you Keltie, I don't quite think I am an inspiration, but in the future I plan to be
Hope things are well. I will message you soon about our lovely holiday. It was amazing and we soooo needed it...Amazing how fast time goes by, and how simple it is to forget to take a moment to relax. We only went about 45 minute from our house to a 5 star resort. It was amazing! Hope you are well. Bed time here in lovely China.
Hope things are well. I will message you soon about our lovely holiday. It was amazing and we soooo needed it...Amazing how fast time goes by, and how simple it is to forget to take a moment to relax. We only went about 45 minute from our house to a 5 star resort. It was amazing! Hope you are well. Bed time here in lovely China.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 242
Ican - I am so proud of you! Reading your post really hit home for me, too. Like you, I am very hard on myself and am always trying to make others happy. I have been married to a person who is always negative, glass half-empty type for 32 years now and after being sober for 15 months I now realize I was self-medicating all these years to not feel emotion. It was a self protection act. I also have finally realized I can never change this person.
You are much younger than me and could be my daughter, so I say to you, be glad you have discovered all of this now and are taking the right steps.
Although I am very happy to be clean of pills, I wasted many years.
You have a wonderful perspective and I wish you the best of luck.
You are much younger than me and could be my daughter, so I say to you, be glad you have discovered all of this now and are taking the right steps.
Although I am very happy to be clean of pills, I wasted many years.
You have a wonderful perspective and I wish you the best of luck.
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