Pandie

Hey everyone,

So, same old story, doctor called in my refill of the pain meds on Thursday, and since then, I've taken 25 of them . : headbange: Have 5 left and know I probably should flush them, but I can't. As crappy as this is, I can't understand why I keep doing this over and over eventhough I promise myself it will be different every time. It never is and I have to wonder if I really want to stop . I know I need to stop, it's not healthy, it's not going to help me in my future endeavors and I know if I don't stop, this will kill me, but I think I'm so used to feeling like crap that I deserve to feel like crap. I know this is probably "stinking thinking", but it's how I feel. In every area of my life where I start obtaining a little bit of success, or things start going in a positive direction, I do my damnedest to throw a rock in things and sabotage the hell out of myself. Feeling hopeless and could use some prayers and advice.

If some of you could share what it finally took for you to "hit bottom" I would really appreciate that as well.

Thanks so much everyone.

On a brighter note, I still haven't read my crazy roommates blog!! Over two weeks now on that.

~Pandie

Dee74

What kind of support structure do you have Pandie?
Maybe it's time to add some more layers to whatever you've been doing?

D

macknacat

i think the "bottom" is different for each of us. Even when i had lost my wife and son and employment and money and self respect and reputation and [it seemed] my house, i could still find another "bottom feeder " a bit worse off than me. So , my insanity could insist that ...heh.. ya know .... i am certainly not THAT bad!....

I finally got it that this disease was out to suck every bit of a real life from me and in the end would kill me. So the question became : do i want to turn my will and my life over to a bunch of freakin chemicals that are out to do me grievous harm or do i want to try something different?

The 'something different ' that worked for me was NA. Folks who had already done a lot of the heavy lifting had sketched out a simple way to get and stay clean. Did i [step 1]recognize that my life was unmanageable? duh! did i keep doing the same actions over and over expecting a different result ? [insanity, step 2] duh! etc.

there's been a ton of benefits that i could never have imagined along the way but the bottom line was i found that i never HAD to pick up again.... there were 7 of us in my group of old using buddies, 3 of us are clean n sober thru AA/NA. 3 are dead. 1 has advanced diabetes ...

finaltime

Pandie, don't be so hard on yourself. What I have learned from so many times of trying to quit, is that you will quit when you are ready. Are you tired of feeling this way? Are the times you are high or enjoying your pills worth the way you feel today? Do you have any support or can you get to NA?
My bottom came when my 1 year old daughter came out of the bedroom carrying my pills. I had them hidden underneath my bed....she found them, brought them out and showed my husband and me. I felt like I did when I was little and I got caught doing something bad. Shame, embarrasment, humility, you name it, I felt it. My husband thought I was sober..I feel that was my bottom. I think I have had several bottoms though. Maybe when I cashed out my retirement of 38,000 dollars and it was gone in less than 3 months??? Maybe it was when I got caught stealing pills from my sisters father? A bottom is a bottom, no matter how bad it is, its when you can't take it anymore.

By the way, tell us your roommates blog so we can all enjoy! just kidding. Hang in there, all you can do now is move forward and try to not make the same mistakes. Go to a meeting, you will be amazed at the support.

lonestarTH

Yeah I agree with macknacat the bottom is different for everyone.. For me I dropped out of school, lost my job, blew all my money, had no friends, and really no motivation to live. That moment of clarity came to me when I was hiding away in a storage closet smoking heroin with just enough room for me to stand with the door closed. As I was smoking I looked down and there was a picture of me and my family when I was a kid. It hurt so bad to look at my parents wondering what they would think if they could see me, and seeing myself as an innocent child. I knew I enough was enough at that moment, and started my life of recovery the next day. Are you in any support groups? I know I wouldn't be able to do this without NA.. I will say a prayer for you as well

stillsleeping

Hey hun, I didn't hit bottom. I was waiting to, then realised I could change before I got there. My moment of clarity came over several days of blogging and reading what I'd written, realising how f tired I was after 15 years of the same crap.

My H had to get clean off opiate pain meds. They're available over the counter here, how messed up is that??

Stopdropburn

@Pandie Oh noes....sorry to hear that. It happens to a lot of folks it seems. It's one thing when you get your drugs from the street, another when a doctor is calling them in for you - not that it makes it better. Like everyone said.....everyone's "rock bottom" is different, and some never have ine, and some decide to set up camp down there for a loooong time. I have stolen drugs, stolen money - each from both friends and family and dealers, I've had friendships and relationships ruined, I've scrapped empty bottles together trying to get a few more dollars to get a fix, spent years jumping from one opiate to another until settling on one that I could "maintenance" with so I'd never have to quit......and I did that for years.....my rock bottom never came when I looked in my childrens eyes, or their mothers, or my mothers, not when I was snorting my first Oxy or Morphine capsules...not when my relationship ended and I had no money and only a pizza delivery job and an empty apartment with no gas and electric.......I had to stop one morning and think back on the last 10+ years of my life and admit "Every single one of those years was wasted at rock bottom"....every day that I sought a drug was rock bottom, every day that I told myself I had no willpower to stop was rock bottom, every day.......I realized that I haven't lived a day in my life in all those years....that is my rock bottom....and it was enough to say I don't care if I want to die for 2 weeks....it can't be worse than wanting to die year after year after year as I did....a few days suffering and healing to many years of suffering and dying seems like an awfully good trade. 30 days clean today.....30 days alive today. You can do it if you really want it....I understand how badly the feeling calls to you, but wouldn't you like to not have to crave it anymore? Wouldn't you like to wake up and breath life in, not swallow a pill down? You can find a way. Be strong.

keltie

Pandie, :ghug3

I am in the same boat as you. I can't seem to put together enough days clean...soon as that refill is ready, I grab it and start gulping. I have no advice, just wanted to say you're not alone and that I'm sorry. PM me any time.

Pandie

Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers, stories and yes, some giggles too . No, I will not give yall the link to my crazy ass roommate's blog b/c we all need POSITIVE things in our lives right??!! She has to go back to school tomorrow (she's a teacher) they've been out of school for TWO LONG WEEKS for Spring Break. Even though I still have class and work, there will be times when I'll finally have the house all to myself and I'm thankful for that!!

For those recommending NA, I've tried it, several meetings but haven't found a good "fit" yet. I do go to OA (Overeaters anonymous) b/c I've had issues with food since early, early childhood. I've been to AA meetings, but usually feel like I don't belong b/c alcohol has never been an issue for me. My hat goes off to alcoholics b/c OMG if I could buy Norco in the grocery store, I'd be G O N E.

Both of my parents are deceased. My dad died of cancer when I was 15 and my mother took her own life just a few years ago. I know now my dad was a functional alcoholic, I only remember seeing him drunk one time in my life although he drank everyday. My mother had more issues than a news stand. She was addicted to gambling, sex, prescription drugs, shopping, and was extremely abusive to me in every way possible. My therapist said I should look at this picture I have of the two of them before I take the pills. She says she believes, however flawed they were in life, all that has gone and they just want the absolute best for their little girl now. I told her my Daddy would be so ashamed of me now, and if others "up there" asked him if I was his daughter, but she said she believes my daddy would say, "yes, that's my little girl and she's hurting and broken"...

Thanks again all for always being here, both in the good times and the bad. I love you all. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.

~Pandie

sophiamarie2007

(((Hugs Pandie))) I went through the cycle too for months. I had all the dates memorized when my next scripts were due and relapsed repeatedly. My parents had intervened before, friends, my pastor.-No of it worked. It wasn't until I decided that my life was going nowhere on the pills and that I was going to die if I kept abusing them. You can do this!!-

lostgirl25

Pandie- We've all relapsed and when we decide never again we get honest with our doctor. Their job is to help us be well in all areas. Tell him no more refills. Tell him about the abuse. This may very well be your best support. You can do this. Life is good on the other side. Prayers going up for you.

RubyRose

Hi Pandie, I am so sorry to hear of your relapse. I was one of those cheering away for you when you first joined. Even though I'm sorry for your relapse, I won't identify YOU and RELAPSE joined. You are not your addiction and you are not your relapses.

You are a good, kind, loving person that needs a gentle push in the right direction. (I've been dying to find a time to use that smiley - Thank you!) I think everyone's bottom is different as well. You have to really want to get clean in order for the bottom to even work. I also think a sit down and frank and honest talk with the Dr. who is prescribing for you is needed. It is pretty much impossible for an addict to NOT swallow those pills if they're being put in your hand.

If you are taking them for a legitimate reason ask your Dr. about alternative solutions. First and foremost TELL him you want off the opiates so he will quit prescribing. Then ask him to help you through the w/d and early recovery period.

I'm still here cheering for you Pandie, I'm not going anywhere. If I can do it, so can you. :ghug3

...Ruby...

ps - my spell-check just told me Pandie wasn't a word and I should change it to Pantie! Now I'm always going to think of you as Panties!

GrowingDaily

Look at people who have succeeded in life - in any aspect of life - and you'll observe one common thread... they've all 'failed countless times. The difference between them and those who fall short of the bar is how they handle failure. First off, they don't view their setbacks as failures. They see them as temporary problems. They pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and try again.

So stop viewing your setbacks as failures. The only time you've failed is when you stop trying. And you obviously haven't stopped trying, or else you wouldn't have written this post.

There's no such thing as an addict who quits & stays quit on the first try. And I personally haven't met one who did so on less than a few attempts. What you're doing is very difficult. You should expect some bumps in the road.

I'm not saying you shouldn't fight like mad to stay sober once & for all. That is your ultimate goal. But just saying 'screw it' and going on a binge every time you slip up is far from productive.

You're still here - you're still fighting the battle. You haven't quit. So since you're playing the game, play it well.

Flush those &*)(^'ing pills away. Then walk to the phone, call your doctor, and tell him you've become addicted to painkillers. In 10 minutes you can be in a better place than where you left off.

istherehope999

I had to do what the other posters are recommending....tell my doctor and ask him to stop prescribing. If you don't take that step (especially if it is just one doctor who is the source for your pain meds), that door is NEVER fully closed. It's like you leave it cracked "just in case". Well, by the time your next refill comes due, you dont even need a reason anymore, you are just happily driving to your pharmacy. I had to cut off my doctor so that the addicted part of my brain would know that pills would no longer be an option. And, I had to say to myself "never again, no matter what, and I will never change my mind." I am on day 6 opiate-free, had the worst weekend of my life but I know God is helping me break through. You will be in my prayers Pandie.

Pandie

Thanks everyone... sorry I've been busy with class and work and haven't been able to comment on your wonderful and supportive posts. I can so feel the love here. Let's see, today makes 4 days w/o opiates. .

~Pandie

istherehope999

Great job Pandie on Day 4!! Seems like we are walking this journey together, today is day 9 of no opiates for me. You have my support and prayers!!!!

Pandie

Awesome ITH!! My support and prayers are with you as well. <3