Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Co springs
Posts: 6
Help
I am trying to quit my horrible oxy addiction. I cant do it tho, I am too weak. Its so hard. I dont know what to do. Let me tell my story ad short as i can.
I dislocated my ankle and broke my foot in 2 places in 2009. It was pretty bad. I had 4 pins put into my ankle and the dr still wants to fuse the joint. I had an allergic reaction to the pins and was the sickest I have ever been. Plus, the pain was horrible! I was on oxy and percocet for the pain, which i began to abuse. Soon I was calling in for refills way too soon and eventually buying off the street. I was about 100mg a day. In january the following year, 6 minths later, my sister committed suicide. She was my best friend for so many years. It was so painful. Thats a long story I will share one day if anyone wants to hear.
Anyway, I felt and still do, a tremendous amount of guilt from this. I began a major downward spiral on the oxy. I was buying 80mg oxy off the street and within a year was taking sometimes 10 a day. I dont know how i didnt od! Last summer I decided to get clean. I went to a sub dr and started. Unfortunately, I began the induction too soon and went into pw bad. I was back on oxy within 5 hours. Walgrens sent an email to my wife saying that the prescription was ready, so I just came clean. I was tired of lying and really wanted to tell her anyway, so this was my chance. She was devastated, but took it better than I anticipated. She stood by me and I quit that day. Started subs and laid in bed for 3 days until I felt ok. Finally Inwas making progress. But 1 month in and I wasnt good. I had zero energy and things sucked. I started my own business, yeah I know great idea, right before all of this. So I really needed the energy and to feel good. I started back on the oxy. Back and forth i went amd now i want off for good. I have some vikes to help with taper. Figure i can ease the wd enough to get them in the bad stages to switch to sub. Does anyone know how to use subs for a quick taper? I was thinking 2 mg a day for 3 days, then doen to 1.5 and so on. Whats a good jump point? Will this work? I want the subs to be as short as himanly possible, few weeks at most. Please help!
I dislocated my ankle and broke my foot in 2 places in 2009. It was pretty bad. I had 4 pins put into my ankle and the dr still wants to fuse the joint. I had an allergic reaction to the pins and was the sickest I have ever been. Plus, the pain was horrible! I was on oxy and percocet for the pain, which i began to abuse. Soon I was calling in for refills way too soon and eventually buying off the street. I was about 100mg a day. In january the following year, 6 minths later, my sister committed suicide. She was my best friend for so many years. It was so painful. Thats a long story I will share one day if anyone wants to hear.
Anyway, I felt and still do, a tremendous amount of guilt from this. I began a major downward spiral on the oxy. I was buying 80mg oxy off the street and within a year was taking sometimes 10 a day. I dont know how i didnt od! Last summer I decided to get clean. I went to a sub dr and started. Unfortunately, I began the induction too soon and went into pw bad. I was back on oxy within 5 hours. Walgrens sent an email to my wife saying that the prescription was ready, so I just came clean. I was tired of lying and really wanted to tell her anyway, so this was my chance. She was devastated, but took it better than I anticipated. She stood by me and I quit that day. Started subs and laid in bed for 3 days until I felt ok. Finally Inwas making progress. But 1 month in and I wasnt good. I had zero energy and things sucked. I started my own business, yeah I know great idea, right before all of this. So I really needed the energy and to feel good. I started back on the oxy. Back and forth i went amd now i want off for good. I have some vikes to help with taper. Figure i can ease the wd enough to get them in the bad stages to switch to sub. Does anyone know how to use subs for a quick taper? I was thinking 2 mg a day for 3 days, then doen to 1.5 and so on. Whats a good jump point? Will this work? I want the subs to be as short as himanly possible, few weeks at most. Please help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Co springs
Posts: 6
I have started thinking thatt maybe suicide wouldnt b soo bad. I would never do it, but damn things would b so much easier. I kno all too well howe er the pain it causes. I just want my life back. God, i would give anything to turn back time and never have taken any! The worst part is I am truely lucky! I have a beautiful wonderful wife, 3 amazing little girls who i love more than anything, i own my own biz, have tons of toys ! So many people have it worse then me. I am very lucky. Yet i cant get by without a f'ing pill! I am so disgusted with myself! I could have been something! When i was picking collleges i received a letter for the chief of medicine at the Mayo clinic! He was impressed with my act and suggested i go to his alma mater! I had a bright future! And ive pissed it all away. Does anyome know what it feels like to be so disgusted with yourself? To think you are a worthless pos? Thats how i feel. I have had a pretty rough last 16 years, tons of horrible things. I used to be a writer and thougt i would actually be an author one day. My dad used to say that I should write a book about our lives and I would joke that it would have to be in the fiction section because no one would believe it. All that said, I hate when people blame their parents or childhoods or whatever, so weak. Im not trying to do that. I took the pills, me! I made the choices. Sure things happened and made me feel sad an made me look for an escape, but it was my decision. I admit that.i just want to be free. I want to see my kids grow up, i want the family vacations and excitement of good news. I want it. But i cant quit. I am trying, i hope it works, because something has to give. I cant keep going this way, i am sure of that. Im either going to quit or im going to end up oversosing or my wife is going to leave me an I dont know what ill do then. The wd's are just so much tho, its unreal. Maybe this will help. Ive read this forum for a long time, but never posted. Maybe this helps. Would really love any and all advice. But please, save the criticism and harsh judgement. I know i am a worthless loser junkie. Thats why im asking for help! And if anyone wants to know my whole story, just ask. It feels kinda good to write again. I wouldnt mind writing more, but only if theres an audience. Thanks all in advance!
I Am Burning ; I Will Rise
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 286
@Springs Welcome to actually posting. You're so not a worthless pos. Just look at what you said...wonderful wife, 3 beautiful girls, a business and home.......you have everything you need. But oxy's are robbing you of all that. Get done with it. The w/d will not kill you no matter how bad it feels for a couple days. You will not stop breathing. With the Subs it should help a lot. But you don't want to drop right off, w/d will emd up being worse. I personally got down to 1mg a day for 8 days and dropped. I hope you really want this, sounds like you have a fantastic life! Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 50
@Springs, this may seem like an impossible task but, I too was hooked on oxy (up to 300mgs a day) for years. In mid-December of 2011 I said to myself - I'm either going to quit or I'm going to die. At the time, I didn't think I could do it, and I'm not going to sugar coat it, the withdrawrals were hell on earth. But you know what? After about 10 days I started to feel real emotions again. Sometimes, I would just start crying knowing all I'd thrown away. But, as many people here have, and continue to point out - we can't change the past only our future. Now here I am 3+ months later feeling better than I have in years.
Go for it!!!!!! There may be times during your withdrawral where you'll think you're going to die and then, there may be times when you're scared you won't (days 3, 4 +5) were the worst for me anyway. Stop now or your risking everything you love and everyone who loves you.
Good luck! And remember many here have done it and so can you.
Go for it!!!!!! There may be times during your withdrawral where you'll think you're going to die and then, there may be times when you're scared you won't (days 3, 4 +5) were the worst for me anyway. Stop now or your risking everything you love and everyone who loves you.
Good luck! And remember many here have done it and so can you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
SpringsGriff: Welcome to Sr, you are in a good place. Glad you finally decided to post. No one here will criticize or judge you, as we all have our human issues to deal with. I am the mother of a 26 year old son, who sounds a lot like you, except he has no desire whatsoever to get clean. I love him with all my heart and soul. It kills me to hear my son refer to himself as a "junkie" or "worthless" . Loving and valuing yourself, caring for yourself just as you would love and care for one of your own children will help you to overcome this addiction. Fight for your life, like you would fight for the life of one of your little girls.
Stop beating yourself up over the past. We've all lost opportunities, and we can what-if ourselves to death. (I know, I have to stop myself from doing that
) It is quite possible that we are exactly where we are meant to be, right at this moment in time. As I've gotten older, I've seen this to be true over and over. We have right now, the present, and we can choose what we are going to do. Sometimes that's hard, too.
Later, if you would like to write about it, I would like to hear about your sister. I'm very sorry that happened to you. I know that's devastating. Keep in mind that people who have had a close family member commit suicide are 7 times more likely to commit suicide that the average person. In an odd way of looking at it, it's sort of like a "family illness" or "contagious". Is this a legacy you want to pass on to your girls? Little girls need their daddy, no matter how tough life gets, they need you to be there for them, and you can do this. Don't leave your little girls before your time.
You can get off of the oxys. Are you able to afford outpatient treatment, and/or an inpatiant 3 to 7 day detox? If you have insurance, most companies cover this. But you said you own your own business, so you may not have insurance. A lot of people on here have successfully detoxed at home. It's not a picnic by any means, but like stopdrop said, you won't die. Stay hydrated, take otc meds to control diarrhea, tylenol and advil for the headache and backache, be prepared for sleeplessness, sweating, chills, restlessness, and feeling awful. But it will pass.
Most people I know take benzos with the oxys, like xanax, k-pins, valium. Are you on any of those, b/c abrupt withdrawl from high doses of benzo's can cause seizures.
Keep posting. Others will be along as well to share their experience. Stay in touch, as you have found a good place. We'll be sending prayers your way.
Stop beating yourself up over the past. We've all lost opportunities, and we can what-if ourselves to death. (I know, I have to stop myself from doing that
) It is quite possible that we are exactly where we are meant to be, right at this moment in time. As I've gotten older, I've seen this to be true over and over. We have right now, the present, and we can choose what we are going to do. Sometimes that's hard, too. Later, if you would like to write about it, I would like to hear about your sister. I'm very sorry that happened to you. I know that's devastating. Keep in mind that people who have had a close family member commit suicide are 7 times more likely to commit suicide that the average person. In an odd way of looking at it, it's sort of like a "family illness" or "contagious". Is this a legacy you want to pass on to your girls? Little girls need their daddy, no matter how tough life gets, they need you to be there for them, and you can do this. Don't leave your little girls before your time.
You can get off of the oxys. Are you able to afford outpatient treatment, and/or an inpatiant 3 to 7 day detox? If you have insurance, most companies cover this. But you said you own your own business, so you may not have insurance. A lot of people on here have successfully detoxed at home. It's not a picnic by any means, but like stopdrop said, you won't die. Stay hydrated, take otc meds to control diarrhea, tylenol and advil for the headache and backache, be prepared for sleeplessness, sweating, chills, restlessness, and feeling awful. But it will pass.
Most people I know take benzos with the oxys, like xanax, k-pins, valium. Are you on any of those, b/c abrupt withdrawl from high doses of benzo's can cause seizures.
Keep posting. Others will be along as well to share their experience. Stay in touch, as you have found a good place. We'll be sending prayers your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Co springs
Posts: 6
Thanks for the support! No, i am not on any benzos or anything else, just never liked them. I have cut way down over the last week. As i said, i was doing up to 800 mg a day. It has been pretty uncomfortable cutting down, a lot of sweating and aches, but I figure it has to help. I have got down to about 300mg a day. Hopefully this will make the switch that much easier. I have just a few pils left and them switch over to the vikes to ease the wd's as much as possible. Just a day or so of those and hopefully this will allow me to induce the subs. Then its subs for just a few weeks and jump! Hopefully i can get down to a very low dose very quickly. The one good thing I have found is that it takes very little of the subs to make me ok. I have 8 mg films, but have found that 2 or even 1 mg usually do the trick. Starting so low will hopefully help the quick taper. I woke up today still feeling depressed. Knowing I have to do this, but not sure how I will make it. I know Im going to e sick and I can handle that. But, as I said, i own my own small biz and cant afford to miss work. I have too many jobs going, too many people depending on me and too much at stake. Thats why I am going with the subs instead of ct. If i can at least function, I will be ok. I am so scared that I will be completely incapable of doing anything but laying in bed. If this happens, I will lose lots of important work, Something I cant afford. So, hopefully this works! I am certainly going to give it all I have!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
You can do it. Stopdropburn seems to have good experience and sound advice using subs to get off of the pills. While each person may experience wd's differently, I think stopdrop may help you to predict, based on your dosage and symptoms, which days are going to be the worst and maybe your can plan your work around that? Meaning if you absolutely knew you'd be bedridden for say 2 days, you could somehow plan workarounds I assume? I know it's impossible to guess which days you'll feel the worst, but with stopdrops guidance, you may be able to reasonably forecast and plan ahead. Just a thought.
I Am Burning ; I Will Rise
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by KuanYin 
You can do it. Stopdropburn seems to have good experience and sound advice using subs to get off of the pills. While each person may experience wd's differently, I think stopdrop may help you to predict, based on your dosage and symptoms, which days are going to be the worst and maybe your can plan your work around that? Meaning if you absolutely knew you'd be bedridden for say 2 days, you could somehow plan workarounds I assume? I know it's impossible to guess which days you'll feel the worst, but with stopdrops guidance, you may be able to reasonably forecast and plan ahead. Just a thought.
@Springs If you are comfortable at 1-2mg a day....you are just on the edge of the jump zone my friend. Some people choose to go straight down to .5mg and .25mg before jumping....I'm sure that helps ease it a bit, but when you think about 1mg - that's an 8th of a piece of a strip....and a tiny crumb of a tablet.....what is that really?? It's 50% helping you ease w/d, 50% making you feel mentally safe - And it took me a VERY LONG TIME to realize this. It's barely taking anything....if you're already there, don't be a dummy and up the dosage more than that just to "feel it" and feel good...you will continue to follow that process until Subs are your DOC. If you can maintain 1mg a day for a week there's no reason you can't jump from there. If you're really concerned about your business then I'd say try a 2nd week at .5mg - that's just what I would do if I couldn't have handled it.....but I jumped at 1mg and it's not THAT bad. If you want to whine and be a baby and cry about how horrible it is then that's fine....we all did at some point...but push through it just the same. You're on the verge of being done with opiates, this is the final stretch and you can totally handle it...you handle your family and your own business for crying out loud...you can handle 2-3 days of feeling "under the weather". If you had a horrible flu you wouldn't say this is going to ruin my business and family, you would just nurture it for the week and get better, same idea. You got this dude.....I switched to Methadone for 2.5 weeks from my 3-5mg a day of Suboxone before going my 8 days of 1mg Subs and jumping....Methadone has a stronger half-life and longer w/d than Oxy's, so you can totally manage 1mg a day for a week. Good luck brother, keep us posted!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Co springs
Posts: 6
Here is the start of my story. Its really long and this isnt even half. If anyone has the time to read it thanks, but I dont expect anyone to. As I said, very long. I tried to tell as short a story as possible, but not my strong suit. I will finish it and put up the rest later. Back to work for now!
So, this is my story. Not by any means an excuse for what I have done or the choices I have made. But, maybe it will allow you to see why I ended up make those choices. Again, I am not making excuses, i hate that. I chose to take pills. I chose my road. I made the mistakes. No one told me to take them. No one Forced me to do anything I didnt want to. I was looking for and found an easy path. A way to not have to deal with my pain and feelings. A way to be numb to it all. That is my fault, but here is my story.
Things were pretty good I thought during childhood. A lot of fighting family, but I didnt think it was too abnormal. Anyway, at 12, My parents seperated. My mom had 3 boys, my half brothers, from a previous marriage. Apparently, before I was born, my dad had molested 1 of them. This all came out when I was 12, he was 22. I guess it was just time for him to tell everyone. Anyway, my dad didnt do so well with the seperation. He spent some time in jail, I still dont know all the details on everything, dont really want to. He began stalking us, myself, mom and little sister,leaving notes on our car when we were in the movies, etc. i remember being so scared I slept 1 night on the couch with my baseball bat so I could protect my mom and sister. *Well, my mom was weak, I can see this now, and she couldnt do it on her own. So she took my dad back. At the time I really didnt understand the situation, so I was happy to have my dad back. Although it did feel weird. I still vividly remember the night my brother told everyone. My dad, a 10 year sober alcoholic, went and got hammered. He returned home with a rifle. I remember a lot of screaming and yelling and the sort. I was in my room and terrified. I was looking out the window of my room and he was on the front porch with the gun. He jut sat there for hours with the gun in his hand thinking. I remember clearly thinking, hes going to shoot himself, or hes going to come in here and kill every one of us first! There has never been a scarier moment in my life. But, I was young and resilient and let things go. They got back together and things seemed good for quite awhile. We never really talked about things ever, once in awhile he would blame "his past" for things, but thats it. Maybe I am weak, maybe I should still be mad, but I forgave him. Him and his twin were both abused as kids by their dad. He was a bad alcoholic during all of that, and I know thats not a good excuse, but I forgave him anyway. He was still my dad and I loved him.
The teenage years were a pain. He was an angry man and had it set in his head that teens were evil. I guess if you believe something enough, itll happen. Maybe it was his constant talk about what a pain teens were, I dont know, but I became a pain in the ass. I began hanging with the wrong crowd, wanna be gangster types. I was not terrible, but I was skipping school, spending every second with my gf and smoking weed. My grades suffered and I couldve gotten into real trouble I suppose, but didnt. I was always very smart. I was in gifted and talented from the age of 12 on. Had a high iq, got all a's, etc. but in high school, I didnt care. Just wanted to play. Eventually, my parents got sick of it and sold our house. We moved 350 miles away to a tiny town of only 500 people. Imagine the anger of a 17 year old in his junior year with a girlfriend he had dated for 2 years and was sure he loved. I was devastated. My gf and i even talked about getting marrie and running away. And then, the night before we moved, my dad had the nerve to tell me that my mom was real upset. She saw how sad we were and how sad my friends were. We needed to console her. I did, but was seriously pissed. I ran away once after the move, but my dad came and got me. After that, I decided to give up the fight and try. I started sports again, started trying in school. I actually fell in love with the place. Made a lot of close friends, several I am still friends with today. I became very popular, even voted senior class president, and was doing great! Thats when My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.*
I was devastated. My mom and i were aalways very close. I loved her so damn much and I just knew she would die. There was a ton of support at school, small towns are good like that, so that helped. But It still hurt a lot. Not soon after that, my grandpa died. My moms dad. He was such a cool guy. I never knew him as well as I wanted, he lived back in chicago, but I knew him well enough to know I loved him. This hurt a lot. We drove back there for the funeral, my brother that was molested was living with us again at this point, so he went too, along with my oldest brother who was living in my old town. When we got there, my other brother was there, but not his wife. I thought that was weird. She was there though, just hiding. She disnt want anything to do with my mom or dad. It was an ugly scene. Really took away from why we were there. But whatever. We came home and my mom began radiation treatments and chemo. The treatments were in denver, 300 miles away, so they missed almost every one of my senior season football and baseball games. And I was a good baseball player. All conference, even was offered a scholarship. That always hurt, but I understood. I picked out a college and senior year was winding down. I killed my ACT's and things looked good. My sister was a freshman, her and I were like best friends, but she went to a different school. We were in a small town in between to slightly bigger towns. Both had schools. I went one way, she went the other. Anyway, after much debate, my dad finally gave in and let her go to prom. It was May 98. That night Inwas asleep and the phone rang about 1am. It ws the police, there was an accident. Apparently, the jackass who took her thought it would be fun to race drunk with his friends through a dark, winding mountain roaf. He was in a suburban with 8 kids. He lost control and it flipped. It rolled a few times. My sister and 3 others were tossed from the vehicle. One girl was killed instantly. My sister was crushed by the suburban, but somehow lived! Her pelvis was crushed into pieces and had breaks and tears everywhere. He was flown, flight for life, to colorado springs, our old town. It didnt look like she would make it. But after 7 weeks in ICU, she was ok. 2 months in the hospital and countless surgeries and she was alive! They said she may never walk, but they thought she would. Said she would probably never have kids. It was horible. I spent every night but 1 in the hospital. I missed the last 2 weeks of my senior year. I went back for graduation, but that was it. I never left her side. Worst months ever, so hard. She eventually got better though, was in a wheelchair for months, but walke agaim. No limp or anything. She was finally released from the hospital and we went home. Unfortunately, the drama was just starting. The blame was being placed on the driver, he denied everything. My sister was a mess. She blamed him for evrything, but I began to notice a change. Never thought much of it then, but think a lot of it now. She began lying a lot. Little lies here and there, stupid **** too, meanigless things.it was silly. Then she really started in on the driver. It got evryone in an uproar. People in town wanted the kid tar and feathered. It was a lot of unneccesarry drama. The kid and his brother were harrassing my sister. They were trying to pick fights with me. It was an ugly time. Tires were slit, windows broken. Lots of trouble was started. It couldve gotten real bad, but the police and lawyers go involved and everyone cooled down a bit. It was about this time that college was my next step. I changed schools, declined my baseball scholarship, it was in nebraska and I wanted to be close to home for both my mom and sister. I went off th Greeley!
Things were good, I was on mu own, things were good! No drama, no heartache! I killed the first semester, all a's, but found weed at the en of it. I began smoking daily. I went home for christmas break, traveled to salt lake city to the childrens hospital there. My sister had 3 more surgeries, they were commonplace by now. We came hone and I went back to school. I was excited to get back, especially to start smoking again! I had always wanted to be a writer and especially loved sports. I was, and still am, a sports junkie! Cant get enough! Football, baseball, basketball! I love it all! Anyway, I applied for a job at the school paper and was hired as a sports reporter. I began covring basketball and then baseball. I won an award for a feature article I wrote about obe of the senior girls basketball players! It was awesome! My grades were suffeting, i wasnt even going to class. I loved working at the paper, but orher than that it was party time! Drinking, smoking, mushrooms, all te fun college crap! At the end of the semester I was put on academic probation. But, I did such a good job at the paper, I was offere the sports editor job! This was huge! My dreams were comig true! Just get my head right, stop the partying and focus! No problem! I went home for summer to be with my mom and sister. The first weekend there, I went back to greeley to write my first sports section, summer school was going, so was the paper. Before I left, my parents were in a huge fight. Dont even really rember, but my mom left town when i did for a few days. I drove back on monday morning and when i got into town, a group of friends caught me and said to follow. They lead me to the hospital where my dad was. Our house had burned to the ground! He was the only one there and had a heart attack watching everything in their lives go up in smoke. He was going to be ok, but the house was completely gone. Everything in the world to me was gone. Not 1 thing was saved. It was very hard. Everyone kinda thought my dad did it, but no proof and no one would ever say it. Insurance ruled it an electrical fire. Somehow though, insurance didnt pay it all, im not sure, but we ended up building a new house ourselves. I quit my Editor job and dropped out of school. I began building a house 10 hours a day and working as a cook at the restaurant at night! Fun times! We finished the house in December, 6 months later. I was exhausted, too much stress, too much work. We built that house from the ground up, all by oursleves. It was an amazing accomplishment, but it sucked too. I missed a semester and was miserable. I went back to school, but I was done. I partied harder than before, i needed release. I quit school that spring and was done.
So, this is my story. Not by any means an excuse for what I have done or the choices I have made. But, maybe it will allow you to see why I ended up make those choices. Again, I am not making excuses, i hate that. I chose to take pills. I chose my road. I made the mistakes. No one told me to take them. No one Forced me to do anything I didnt want to. I was looking for and found an easy path. A way to not have to deal with my pain and feelings. A way to be numb to it all. That is my fault, but here is my story.
Things were pretty good I thought during childhood. A lot of fighting family, but I didnt think it was too abnormal. Anyway, at 12, My parents seperated. My mom had 3 boys, my half brothers, from a previous marriage. Apparently, before I was born, my dad had molested 1 of them. This all came out when I was 12, he was 22. I guess it was just time for him to tell everyone. Anyway, my dad didnt do so well with the seperation. He spent some time in jail, I still dont know all the details on everything, dont really want to. He began stalking us, myself, mom and little sister,leaving notes on our car when we were in the movies, etc. i remember being so scared I slept 1 night on the couch with my baseball bat so I could protect my mom and sister. *Well, my mom was weak, I can see this now, and she couldnt do it on her own. So she took my dad back. At the time I really didnt understand the situation, so I was happy to have my dad back. Although it did feel weird. I still vividly remember the night my brother told everyone. My dad, a 10 year sober alcoholic, went and got hammered. He returned home with a rifle. I remember a lot of screaming and yelling and the sort. I was in my room and terrified. I was looking out the window of my room and he was on the front porch with the gun. He jut sat there for hours with the gun in his hand thinking. I remember clearly thinking, hes going to shoot himself, or hes going to come in here and kill every one of us first! There has never been a scarier moment in my life. But, I was young and resilient and let things go. They got back together and things seemed good for quite awhile. We never really talked about things ever, once in awhile he would blame "his past" for things, but thats it. Maybe I am weak, maybe I should still be mad, but I forgave him. Him and his twin were both abused as kids by their dad. He was a bad alcoholic during all of that, and I know thats not a good excuse, but I forgave him anyway. He was still my dad and I loved him.
The teenage years were a pain. He was an angry man and had it set in his head that teens were evil. I guess if you believe something enough, itll happen. Maybe it was his constant talk about what a pain teens were, I dont know, but I became a pain in the ass. I began hanging with the wrong crowd, wanna be gangster types. I was not terrible, but I was skipping school, spending every second with my gf and smoking weed. My grades suffered and I couldve gotten into real trouble I suppose, but didnt. I was always very smart. I was in gifted and talented from the age of 12 on. Had a high iq, got all a's, etc. but in high school, I didnt care. Just wanted to play. Eventually, my parents got sick of it and sold our house. We moved 350 miles away to a tiny town of only 500 people. Imagine the anger of a 17 year old in his junior year with a girlfriend he had dated for 2 years and was sure he loved. I was devastated. My gf and i even talked about getting marrie and running away. And then, the night before we moved, my dad had the nerve to tell me that my mom was real upset. She saw how sad we were and how sad my friends were. We needed to console her. I did, but was seriously pissed. I ran away once after the move, but my dad came and got me. After that, I decided to give up the fight and try. I started sports again, started trying in school. I actually fell in love with the place. Made a lot of close friends, several I am still friends with today. I became very popular, even voted senior class president, and was doing great! Thats when My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.*
I was devastated. My mom and i were aalways very close. I loved her so damn much and I just knew she would die. There was a ton of support at school, small towns are good like that, so that helped. But It still hurt a lot. Not soon after that, my grandpa died. My moms dad. He was such a cool guy. I never knew him as well as I wanted, he lived back in chicago, but I knew him well enough to know I loved him. This hurt a lot. We drove back there for the funeral, my brother that was molested was living with us again at this point, so he went too, along with my oldest brother who was living in my old town. When we got there, my other brother was there, but not his wife. I thought that was weird. She was there though, just hiding. She disnt want anything to do with my mom or dad. It was an ugly scene. Really took away from why we were there. But whatever. We came home and my mom began radiation treatments and chemo. The treatments were in denver, 300 miles away, so they missed almost every one of my senior season football and baseball games. And I was a good baseball player. All conference, even was offered a scholarship. That always hurt, but I understood. I picked out a college and senior year was winding down. I killed my ACT's and things looked good. My sister was a freshman, her and I were like best friends, but she went to a different school. We were in a small town in between to slightly bigger towns. Both had schools. I went one way, she went the other. Anyway, after much debate, my dad finally gave in and let her go to prom. It was May 98. That night Inwas asleep and the phone rang about 1am. It ws the police, there was an accident. Apparently, the jackass who took her thought it would be fun to race drunk with his friends through a dark, winding mountain roaf. He was in a suburban with 8 kids. He lost control and it flipped. It rolled a few times. My sister and 3 others were tossed from the vehicle. One girl was killed instantly. My sister was crushed by the suburban, but somehow lived! Her pelvis was crushed into pieces and had breaks and tears everywhere. He was flown, flight for life, to colorado springs, our old town. It didnt look like she would make it. But after 7 weeks in ICU, she was ok. 2 months in the hospital and countless surgeries and she was alive! They said she may never walk, but they thought she would. Said she would probably never have kids. It was horible. I spent every night but 1 in the hospital. I missed the last 2 weeks of my senior year. I went back for graduation, but that was it. I never left her side. Worst months ever, so hard. She eventually got better though, was in a wheelchair for months, but walke agaim. No limp or anything. She was finally released from the hospital and we went home. Unfortunately, the drama was just starting. The blame was being placed on the driver, he denied everything. My sister was a mess. She blamed him for evrything, but I began to notice a change. Never thought much of it then, but think a lot of it now. She began lying a lot. Little lies here and there, stupid **** too, meanigless things.it was silly. Then she really started in on the driver. It got evryone in an uproar. People in town wanted the kid tar and feathered. It was a lot of unneccesarry drama. The kid and his brother were harrassing my sister. They were trying to pick fights with me. It was an ugly time. Tires were slit, windows broken. Lots of trouble was started. It couldve gotten real bad, but the police and lawyers go involved and everyone cooled down a bit. It was about this time that college was my next step. I changed schools, declined my baseball scholarship, it was in nebraska and I wanted to be close to home for both my mom and sister. I went off th Greeley!
Things were good, I was on mu own, things were good! No drama, no heartache! I killed the first semester, all a's, but found weed at the en of it. I began smoking daily. I went home for christmas break, traveled to salt lake city to the childrens hospital there. My sister had 3 more surgeries, they were commonplace by now. We came hone and I went back to school. I was excited to get back, especially to start smoking again! I had always wanted to be a writer and especially loved sports. I was, and still am, a sports junkie! Cant get enough! Football, baseball, basketball! I love it all! Anyway, I applied for a job at the school paper and was hired as a sports reporter. I began covring basketball and then baseball. I won an award for a feature article I wrote about obe of the senior girls basketball players! It was awesome! My grades were suffeting, i wasnt even going to class. I loved working at the paper, but orher than that it was party time! Drinking, smoking, mushrooms, all te fun college crap! At the end of the semester I was put on academic probation. But, I did such a good job at the paper, I was offere the sports editor job! This was huge! My dreams were comig true! Just get my head right, stop the partying and focus! No problem! I went home for summer to be with my mom and sister. The first weekend there, I went back to greeley to write my first sports section, summer school was going, so was the paper. Before I left, my parents were in a huge fight. Dont even really rember, but my mom left town when i did for a few days. I drove back on monday morning and when i got into town, a group of friends caught me and said to follow. They lead me to the hospital where my dad was. Our house had burned to the ground! He was the only one there and had a heart attack watching everything in their lives go up in smoke. He was going to be ok, but the house was completely gone. Everything in the world to me was gone. Not 1 thing was saved. It was very hard. Everyone kinda thought my dad did it, but no proof and no one would ever say it. Insurance ruled it an electrical fire. Somehow though, insurance didnt pay it all, im not sure, but we ended up building a new house ourselves. I quit my Editor job and dropped out of school. I began building a house 10 hours a day and working as a cook at the restaurant at night! Fun times! We finished the house in December, 6 months later. I was exhausted, too much stress, too much work. We built that house from the ground up, all by oursleves. It was an amazing accomplishment, but it sucked too. I missed a semester and was miserable. I went back to school, but I was done. I partied harder than before, i needed release. I quit school that spring and was done.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
If I may make a suggestion? Perhaps you should consult with a mental health professional. Starting in Jan I went to see one and in 4 weeks I was a new person. I was able to get out 40+ years of grief and anguish I was unable to discuss with ANYONE including my wife.
Just the simple act of telling another human being the turmoil I experience was like having a bulldozer lifted off my chest.
I also did not have as much anxiety nor the desire to use as I once did. Now, I have legit chronic pain and sometimes I'm forced to use a pain killer but I discovered that I was using not only for the physical pain but the emotional pain as well.
Go see a GOOD shrink and see what happens. I know it made an enormous difference in my life.
Just the simple act of telling another human being the turmoil I experience was like having a bulldozer lifted off my chest.
I also did not have as much anxiety nor the desire to use as I once did. Now, I have legit chronic pain and sometimes I'm forced to use a pain killer but I discovered that I was using not only for the physical pain but the emotional pain as well.
Go see a GOOD shrink and see what happens. I know it made an enormous difference in my life.
NAIOU
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Last house on the block.
Posts: 359
This is my experience with suboxone. After being on 45mg of methadone for 2 years I got clean using suboxone. I went to a private Dr. for this detox. The doctor told that he had never had anybody come off of 45mg. methadone and said he did not think it could be done. I started out at 16mg a day. 8mg 2 times a day. In a 6 week period I slowly came down on the last day to where I was taking crumbs. I will have to say it was the easiest detox I have ever had and I have had many. The cost of this detox was over $1,000 and well worth it. Free at last free at last. I used for 45 years.That was the last time I ever did opiates. I found a new way to live and have not used in 6.5 years. You can do this if you try hard enough. I know it is do able because I did it myself. Good luck on your journey. You can do this I did. Love and Respect. Logo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Sanford, Maine
Posts: 75
SpringsGriff. First and foremost one thing I can promise you is that life is so much better on the other side. The sober side. Does detox suck? Sure it does but make sure you get lots of good movies or perhaps a series. I watched all 6 seasons of the show "Lost" is a week and it really helped to keep my mind occupied. In addition as soon as you can start exercising. Even if it's just a walk around the block. Exercise and keeping my mind occupied have been the two things that saved me. You should be proud of yourself for doing this before you lose everything. It sounds to me like you have a lot to live for. In one week you'll feel so much better. In one month you will look back and have a real smile. By Memorial Day you will be doing the moonwalk through the grocery store Best of luck to you. You can and will do this but you need to want it more than you've ever wanted anything else. Every minute of withdrawal discomfort is another minute closer to you finding true happiness and peace of mind.
Best of luck to you. You can and will do this but you need to want it more than you've ever wanted anything else. Every minute of withdrawal discomfort is another minute closer to you finding true happiness and peace of mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Co springs
Posts: 6
Im feeling good tonight. No more nerves an depression like I have had the last few days. I think writing has really helped a lot. Of course I havent quit yet, so no big news. But I dis really stretch it out today. Took 1-60 this morning, 1 more at 11. Then nothing until just not. Over 7 hours and only 180 mgs today. That may seem like a lot still, and it probably is, but for me its a big deal. Going from 800 a day down to 600, then to 500 and 4 and 300 the last few days has been tough. Never thought tht would be so hard. Its almost lile conplete withrawals, but nowhere near as severe. I was feeling pretty awful around 4 today, but I sat in my truck for a few mins and wrote some more on my "story". It felt good. I was still sweating a lot, so I ran over to baskin robbins and grabbed a cone. Sat and listened to sports radio and ate it. Didnt think about anything. Just listened and enjoyed! It really worked too! I frlt fine after. Again, not a big deal to most, but to me it was huge! Only 180 mgs today and only 2 60's left. Take 1 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon and it begins. I have the vikes I have mentioned, so i figure sometime in the night I will take 3 of those to help sleep. I think I will make it through the night. I will take another 3 in the morning, and then take 2 as needed during the work day. I only have 15, so they wont last long. And they dont do a whole lot, but they help a bit. And if I can make it through that work day with just those, the wd's should really kick in that night. I will then have an easy time switching to the subs. I have had a real hard time recently switching to the subs. It has made me sick for about 3 days. From everything Ive read, that is normal with such high doses of oxy. So this way, i will have tapered the oxy down to a much better level and will have been off of them for around 36-48 hours before i start the subs. I think the induction will go smooth this way, I sure hope so. I am planning on taking just 1 mg sub to start. I will find out in an hour if that will work. Hopefully it will, but if not I will take 2. The biggest thing is to make the switch. If all goes to plan, friday will be nothing but 1-2mg of subs. Im kida expecting to have to take 2, keep your fingers crossed I only need 1. But if i start at 2, i am going to do 2 for 5 days, jump to 1.5 for 4 days, them to 1 for 1 week as burn suggested and then go to .5 for 1 week. Then i will jump. Hopefully it will be good! I dont know if i should save the extra subs in case it is too bad to jump? Maybe go to .5 every other day? Or if that is just a crutch? I suppose the best would be to pick a jump point and jump, no looking back! But, I have a plan! If I can execute it right, I will be completely free on April 7th!!! I know I wont feel like a champ that day, but I will be ok! I have not been this excited in a long time!!! I cant wait! I am a little nervous of course, but I feel good. Not sure why. I really think posting here helps! And all the writing ive done. I realize it is very long, and still a ways to go, and I realize no one really cares, we all have our problems. But damn, it feels good to write it down and share it. Even if no one reads it, it really felt good! Im hoping this positive wave can be sustained. I could really use it! Anyway, thanks again for all the support. Another long, sweaty night ahead, but all part of the plan. Tonight is my last night ever on oxys!!! I actually believe that too
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
Hey, 180 is better than 3-400.
I must say that you were doing enough to put down an Elephant! You have a rough road ahead of you but do not let that discourage you.
I do have serious concerns about the amounts you've been doing. Because of that, I seriously don't recommend doing this without consulting a medical professional. I'm being realistic about my advice simply because of the dosages and length of use.
Seeing a medical professional with dramatically increase your odds of success.
I know because I've been there. I've failed before and after those failures I finally got help.
I must say that you were doing enough to put down an Elephant! You have a rough road ahead of you but do not let that discourage you.
I do have serious concerns about the amounts you've been doing. Because of that, I seriously don't recommend doing this without consulting a medical professional. I'm being realistic about my advice simply because of the dosages and length of use.
Seeing a medical professional with dramatically increase your odds of success.
I know because I've been there. I've failed before and after those failures I finally got help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
SpringsGriff, there are many of us on here who really do care, and we do read all of the posts. You've really gone through some hard emotional turmoil, a lot of things children should be protected from. But you somehow got through those awful times, just as you will get through this awful time, and then a time will come when you will reach out to help someone else who is struggling. Maybe we all experience hard times so we can help others along, I don't know. I do know surviving the difficult times makes us stronger, whether we want to be strong or not. (Many times I would rather have just been weak.) Personal growth is not always easy, but it is rewarding. You will get through your detox. There will be discomfort but it will not last forever.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Co springs
Posts: 6
Long day. Feel tired and depressed. I took last oc at 11. I avent taken anything since, but getting close to a few vikes. It has begun! Im a little scared, but very excited too! This time tomorro I will be close to starting the subs. That will have been 30 hours since last oc. Thid is it!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
