Jerytoms

Hello All! I am new to this forum and new to this type of situation. I am hoping you can give me some advice. My boyfriend is in recovery from his addiction to pills. He became clean because he over dosed and went to rehab. I was not with him at the time we did not meet until afterwards. It has not been a year since he went to rehab. After getting out of rehab he started to drink again and smoke occasionally. When I met him he told me he was clean from pills but now I am realizing he wasn't. I think he started to take them again gradually and gradually. Lately it has been getting worst and out of hand. I've noticed and brought it up to him but it wasn't until this weekend when he actually admitted hes been taking them. Even still I don't think he is telling the truth about how often he has been taking them. I just find myself in a difficult situation and not being in this situation before or even really having a close relationship with someone with a drug addiction I am not sure what to do. His mom and I talk openly about his problem and she mentioned if I ever notice him doing pills again or something like that to bring it to her attention. She does not know he drinks or smokes often. The problem I am experiencing is that if I tell his mom she will kick him out and take his truck which would just end up being a downward spiral for him so I don't think that will help. But I feel like if I keep quiet it's enabling the behavior and if something were to happen to him again I would feel guilty. Do you have any advice as to what I should do? He says he won't do it anymore but I don't think he will just be able to stop completely. I told him I want to help him and be there to support him throughout this recovery that as long as were making positive steps forward and the problem doesn't continue or get worst I will be there for him. Please help any advice is greatly appreciated and I can give you more information if needed! Thanks!

IvanKatz

My advice is to pack your things and tell him that once he's clean for 12 months, you'll consider going back to him. Assuming that is you haven't found something better by then.
Now, that is a really hard thing to do but let's face it. Your boy OD'd, went to rehab, and said screw it.... I'm jumping right back in. Look, if he doesn't respect himself enough to straighten his $&!# out after all that, how do you expect him to respect you?
I'm the kind of guy who has the utmost respect for ALL women! I firmly believe that a woman HAS to be respected at ALL times. If this guy is using, he's lieing to you, maybe stealing from you, DEFINITELY taking advantage of you... So where's the respect?
Now, do you respect yorself enough to say enough? I certainly hope so dear! If you don't respect yourself, why should he or anyone else for that matter?

It quite apparent that your boy doesn't care about himself or you if he's still abusing drugs and alcohol. Do you want to be "that girl"?
I didn't think so. You need to dig deep inside you and figure out what you're going to do. For me, there's only one way for you to go and that's AWAY.

I do not write this flippantly or casually dear; Instead, I write this because I know what's going to happen to you if you try to "save" him. Believe me when I say that the only person who can save him is himself. It's quite obvious by your post that he isn't in that mindset so what does that leave?
It leaves you holding the bag for a junkie (Perhaps financially and legally).
What happens if the two of you are pulled over and he's carrying? You may be just a guilty as he! What if there's an accident? Who's going to be maimed or killed?
What happens when he get's caught? Are you going to bail him out? Are you going to pay for the lawyer?
I hope you see where I'm going with this because this is not a matter of "if"... It's a matter of "WHEN".

Threshold

He's in the grips of his addiction. It's taking him down, don't let it take you down too.

We don't just abuse substances, we abuse ourselves and our families, friends, SO's, pets, employers too.

lying is one of the crappy things we do to support our habit.

even when we want to stop, mean to stop, try to stop, unless we ARE stopped, we are going to hurt those around us and use them for what we can get.

As a recovering addict I wish this wasn't true, but I am clean and sober today, so I am NOT lying to you.

If you're going to love us, either love us from a safe distance or know and accept what you are getting into.

IvanKatz

I couldn't have said it better!

Stopdropburn

Welcome to SR! Sorry you're here though. It's a great place, just not good to have to find. There is really good advice already given to you. I was an opiate user for a decade, 6 of those years were with a woman I loved who gave me the two most incredible little boys ever and I loved my family more than life......but that didn't by any means even remotely stop me. Not even after it became a hard problem in the open.....it doesn't work like "Oh, well I love my family and they want me to stop so I will".....nope nope nope. His addiction owns him (clearly), not the other way around. You can try and be there to help him through rehab and recovery, but he clearly doesn't WANT to stop yet. And that is the FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT part - wanting to stop. You can only do so much in your shoes, he has to do this for himself and his family - it's not your responsibility. It will be if you let it though. Just because you are not an addict doesn't mean that it doesn't ruin your life just as badly. You have some serious thinking to do, and maybe some serious talking, to figure out what you need in your life. Love comes in all forms and shapes, but your life is what YOU make of it, not what just happens. I don't say he's a bad person, but if he doesn't want to be honest and fight for you and his life - then it's clearly not the right relationship for either of you. Best wishes.

likehappiness

IvanKatz told you straight up. Probably not what you wanted to hear but what needed to be said. If this relationship was meant to be then he will be changing the way acts and right from the get go. I hope it works out for the both of you.

Jerytoms

I find this very sad and upsetting. I guess I was being nieve about the whole situation. I think my emotions and the fact that I am in love with him clouded my judgement and decision as well. I thought maybe that now he knows I know about it and don't condone it he would stop but thats not true. And I feel that I am condoning it by still being with him after I know he is doing it again. I wish I could have a serious sit down talk with him about everything but it just seems like I can never catch him at the right time when he is in the right state of mind. I suppose it wouldn't change anything anyways and he'd probably just tell me what I wanted to hear. So do I just break up with him and let him go? What about telling his mom? She told me to tell her if I ever suspected anything but I don't want her to take his car and kick him out and him hit rock bottom. But I also dont want to feel responsible if something happens to him and I never said anything to her. Thanks again! I do take all your opinions to heart and into consideration. I am very greatful for this forum because as I said this is all new territory to me. It truly is a disheartening situation and I do feel like my heart is breaking over it.

tjp613

You may want to consider joining the Friends & Family forum where you will find people who are going through the same experiences.

Welcome to SR -- we're glad you're here!

IvanKatz

My thoughts are to talk with his mom and have her administer a drug test.
If he passes it, WOW Great! If he fails it, well... He fails and go from there.
It's like I said, you can't fix him and you must also not enable him!
If he is doing drugs, he's being enabled by the sheer fact he has free room, board, and transportation.

Stopdropburn

You can't not talk with his mom because you are worried about what she will do about it, SHE is HIS mother, that's her choice. Just as you are concerned - YOU ARE enabling him by protecting him from losing things that he isn't even working for. Why is it your responsibility to make sure he has material possessions and a car? Why isn't that his responsibility? You should have to deal with the stress and sadness and disappointment and misery of constantly protecting his addiction? Which is the reality, you're protecting his addiction - basically saying to him...."You can keep lying and using, because I won't do anything about it and I won't tell your mom who may take things away from you" - Have you considered that "a swift kick in the ass" from mom is something that he is in dire need of? And his GF saying "Hey, you don't want to stop drugs, well guess you don't get to keep me then". If you never give him a reason to grow up and stop, he will never have one. Even if it means letting him lose his car and hit rock bottom....rock bottom only goes so far without a job and car and money to get your drugs and you're forced to actually do something for once. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but clearly allowing you and his mother to support his life and lifestyle choices. Mom has the right idea. If you are really concerned, perhaps talk with her about sitting together with him to do an intervention of sorts and lay it on the table - "You love your GF, mom, car, having a place to stay? Well you detox and kick this or you lose everything. Period." All not just ruining his own life, he's taking the rest of you down with him...you can either stand by and let your life go to or stand up and do what needs to be done. If he still won't try, then clearly you are wasting your time. *He will not stop just because he says "I will stop" after you "had a talk".....that's not how the addicts mind works, he may WANT to go straight, but as soon as he needs he will go find more, especially to combat the guilt and depression of being confronted. Make the right choice, get together with mom, give him his options and let him make his decision, after that you do what YOU have to do. Good luck.

Jerytoms

Thank you Ivankatz and Stopdropburn you are really helping me to realize the reality of the situation. By doing nothing I am enabling so I have to do something. I am also getting a lot of support and insight from the friends and family of substance abusers thread. I am reading the codependency stickys as well. Im starting to understand how things work now. I have never dealt with this so its all so new to me. I am planning to text his mom plan a lunch with her and I and tell her everything that is going on. I'll suggest the sit down with him and see what she thinks about it. I've also decided I really don't want to be in a relationship with him right now. All I keep thinking is how he is not who he said he was he is not who I thought he was and how he has lied to me and broken my trust. I don't think things can be the same after all of this. I need to let go but I am going to have to work towards it gradually so I know I stick with it. Thanks again!

IvanKatz

Perhaps it's time for HIS family to sit down and have an intervention.
I can certainly understand your disappointment and frustration of this matter but as I said earlier, it is NOT your responsibility to "fix" him. THis is the job of your BF and his family.
I'm so glad you're seeing the light of day on this matter before you get sucked in.
While there is always the chance he may see the light and decide he needs to stop now... THat is HIGHLY unlikely at this point.
Addicts don't want to stop. Addicts only stop when they've hit bottom. Where is bottom you ask? I don't know because bottom is different for every individual.
If you are determined to help him, help him from a safe distance. You have to let his family be there for him first.

Stopdropburn

@Jery I think you are really doing the right thing for both yourself and him. It's hard to leave someone you love or give them ultimatums, but often it's the only way. You cannot let your life go down because someone else doesn't want to keep theirs from going down. You can help aid him with his family, but you are in no way required to be his mentor/counselor/shoulder/caretaker/etc. If he is really the person he says he is and wants to quit, he will get started when confronted. Otherwise, it's very, very clear.