Raven4136

I'm on day 6 off of opiates and day 5 on suboxone. I have no idea what to call that as far as clean time. I don't know if it counts since I'm using suboxone.

Anyhow, I'm past most of the withdrawals now and am dealing heavily with emotional issues now. I feel a tremendous sense of guilt. I have two beautiful children and a wonderful supportive husband who has been picking me up off the floor for mental issues for years (bi-polar/suicidal) and is now dealing with this opiate addiction. He laid in bed with me and took care of me for two days through the worst of the withdrawal/induction phases. I'm unbelievably blessed.

As I walk through my home and look at our family portraits on the walls, I know and can see in my eyes that I was high as a kite in all of them. It makes me so sad. I can't exactly take them all down and start a new life and "not go there" anymore. Those are pictures of my family and of my children. I see pictures of us on the beach and know I had to pop pills before I went to have fun with them. Or pictures of their birthday parties and know I popped pills to make that cake and decorate. Or popped pills to decorate that Christmas tree.

I can't put those away and hide them. I know I will need to forgive myself, but I know that is not going to happen this early on in my recovery. I don't have intake for my outpatient program for 6 more days. What to do in the meantime? Will I ever be able to look at those with warm memories instead of guilt?

Stopdropburn

I spent the better part of my childrens lives on opiates....so I know in any picture, at anytime, anywhere....I'm high. I'm not proud of that, but it happened....and I'll know when I look at those images and feel regret that I will have a reason to not be that person anymore. Don't dwell on your past love, you have an awesome husband for being there for you and a great family....just love what you have and be happy you have them to enjoy. Many families have broken up over addictions, you're lucky to have someone who loves you and understands and tries to help. That's awesome! Just keep looking forward and remember those pictures are a reminder to stay on the right track. High or not, those are memories of your loving family, you don't need to remove them, just add more new ones with you being the new you

Raven4136

Thank you. That was extremely helpful. I also spoke to my husband about this last night.

He said he could see a difference when he looks at me. I asked him what he meant and he said there was a crisp fresh look in my eyes now instead of a blank never-ending pupil. I never realized I looked that way to him. It was a very emotional moment. I haven't cried much through all of this which is very odd because I am normally a crier, but it definately all came out then!!

IvanKatz

Let those photos be a silent reminder of where you never want to be again!
I too have looked at old photos and noticed the same thing. I often asked myself, how would that photo have been different if I hadn't been high?
More interestingly though, I ask myself - would have looked as happy if I hadn't been on anything?
Right now, even though I physically feel good, I'm not anywhere close as happy as I remember - even looking back to the time I didn't use. Why is that I ask? Well, my brain was used to the meds for so long, I honestly don't remember those natural highs.
That's a tough thing for me because I miss being "happy".
I'm at a crossroads in my life where I'm doing the hard thing. I working so very hard to get my mind and body to the place it used to be.. Fit, good weight, etc.
I stopped taking my back meds at the start of the year and even though it's only been a couple of months, I'm still having trouble with the "happy" part.
I go to the gym every day, eat right, keep a regular bedtime, etc. It's been especially hard because I, like everyone else, want results.

I ask myself, "Another day at the gym - is this going to help? Where is the feel good"? I've been doing it for a month now!
Then I realize that it's only been a month. I also realize it's only been two months since I quit.
I remind myself that this whole process takes time. I am pleased with myself that I'm taking the hard road. It's a mo-fu getting myself to workout every day. It's a pain knowing there are no cookies in the cabinet.
It's nice however that my muscles are much better and my pants are slightly looser : )

Raven4136

I know exactly what you mean. I said that exact thing to my mom on Sunday. I don't know how to smile or be happy without it being drug induced. Without it I feel flat right now. I also told my husband last night that it was an "everything is great with the world" feeling. Like an "aaaaaah." Now I'm left with that lump in my throat. That anxiety that I usually went to my bedroom to "medicate".

I worry that I've ruined my brain chemistry and that I will never know how again. I hope that is wrong.

IvanKatz

Well, you are wrong about not being able to be happy.
It takes time for you brain to get back to normal. Right now, you are just over the W/D but far from normal.
It's going to take your brain some time to start producing it's own feel good chemicals. How long? I don't know because everyone is different. I can tell you there are things to accelerate it though. Diet and exercise are key! Diet for the nutrition your brain needs and the exercise will force your brain to speed up it's endorphin production.
BTW, intimacy is good too! One of the best feel good activities out there. Just make sure the kids are gone long enough : )

Stopdropburn

You haven't ruined your brain, don't worry. I know the exact feeling you speak of......however....Your body has stopped producing Serotonin since you've been on opiates pretty much....it's the "feel good/reward" chemical our bodes give us when we're happy and "up"...but when we start using opiates that give us that times 10, the body has no reason to continue producing it, we already feel great....now fast forward a year or 10, and the body has long since forgotten those processes, and it's only in the absence of the drugs does the body realizes again "CRAP! I need a pick me up!". But it actually can take weeks, sometimes months for the body to get back to producing Serotonin properly and in the quantities we need. I've heard from someone before that people who have been on opiates for more than a decade or a few, can permanently ruin their Serotonin production, but I'm not sure I really believe that - the human body is an incredible machine....we recover from all kinds of wounds, injuries and diseases, and yes, addictions too. On Day 12 I am a little "down" feeling, but overall, I'm feeling REALLY GOOD - but I've been pushing myself to work out everyday, regardless how I feel, and taking vitamins and drinking a lot of fluids, sweating to get toxins out and eating healthier to not feel so bogged down and crapped out, and Melatonin - which helps you sleep when it's dark and be awake when it's light, and just generally pushing myself to be positive about this whole thing....it all has made me feel SO much better to this point. Sitting there waiting for it to end makes you feel worse, get up and start moving, get some headphones and go for a walk/job, do something that just distracts you and makes you feel good for doing it.....you will help your body help you in return. I have been finding myself laughing at random times, and a few times got a little sad for no reason for a little bit - but that is telling me that my emotions were all jacked up and they're now working back into place, it's just going to take a few weeks/months and constant effort to see "the brighter side". I've never been a "positive thinker", but everytime I think about me being clean I smile, one more smile in the bucket Just keep thinking positive, happy thoughts, and get yourself moving, and be happy your're getting clean. Good luck.

macknacat

Every important decision in my adult life was made while i was high. And i was a bad dad to my kid . These are part of the fabric of who I am- but just like I no longer have to pass on my abusive childhood, i no longer have to live as an addict or be chained by the same kind of thinking i had when i was using.

Stopndrop said it well- you are blessed. you have not lost the capacity for happiness.

My addiction reinforced the idea that everything had to happen NOW. its taken time but i have [mostly] learned that i can be patient... My clean life has unfolded in ways I would never have dreamed ....

that aforementioned kid? he comes by for breakfast every morning and we read daily meditations to each other as we sit by the fire pit and watch as the elk get close...

finaltime

Raven, I too have thought about that same exact thing. I don't let it get to me though, instead I change my emotions to thinking about the positive! I am 22 days off the devil pills and feel better then ever. The fact that I have been on the pills everyday pretty much minus 30 days twice of trying to quit before makes me realize I can't continue to let pills run my life. Look at those pictures as a sign of never again!!! Once you ate feeling up to it, take some new family photos to hang up. Them you can look at those daily and notice the difference. My husband said the exact same thing, that I look refreshed and it's nice to see my spark back. When he first said that last week it felt good to hear. But I was still convinced there is no way I look any different. Now this week I really believe I look happier. I also think those pills kept a huge facade going on for years. A large chip on my shoulder.! I still get headaches mid afternoon but they are fading. I sleep like a baby now and wake up With out my alarm and play with my daughter happily, instead of waiting for my pills to kick in! My am excitement for years was to feel my morning high, best high of the day then I chased that dang high all day by popping more and more pills. That freedom I have now is amazing. Not too mention the money and time away from pharmacys!

Stay strong!!