Soberliner

Had another post talking about this. This time want to ask this question. First like to say I'm socially awkward and shy. My family was my box of chocolates when i was born, felt I never had a chance to learn the facts of life considering how disfunctional my parents and older siblings are. I'm 38 at the moment and have been dealling with people being rude. Its like they want to see me mad, because I dont like conflict or stress. Had enough of that with my family and my own personal life misstakes. Why dont people want to understand this world is not perfect. Some people has had really screwed up life. To me, it seems impossible to be something I never was before. One big reason is, like my current coworkers are basically trying to exclude me by means of natural selection. two things I feel that People like me in this situation does one of two things, Goes postal or gives up and quit. I guess stay there and put up with their stink eyes till I retire in 25 yrs, lol. I've been playing the same mind games they play, been working so far. Should I just go jump off a cliff to make their world more perfect?

Soberliner

How does someone jump out of their shell they been in their whole life. Really in jam and it sucks...

Soberliner

Nobody can help when it deals with natural selection of your peers. I'm going to deal with it for as long as I can, hope that somethings triggers inside that sets me free. Been afraid to mention anything about the struggles I'm dealing with at AA meettings. In my own head, I'll know they would know how much a loser I really am, just chase them away eventually.

Dee74

Hi Soberliner

I felt like you obviously do for a long long time.

It a bit of a paradox, but what really helped me in my relations with others was working on myself.

I got comfortable with who I was, tried my best to fix all the parts I wasn't happy with - and I looked hard for people who not only understood me but supported me....and believe me they are out there

I like who I am now, so what other people may think of me is less important.

I'm still shy and socially awkward in a lot of situations, but I accept that now.

Maybe the answer is not becoming more like others, but accepting yourself?

D

davaidavai

What does it take to move on from one's dysfunctional childhood? It's hard. Because you feel like you've been built from the ground up by all those moments. For me, I feel like through moderating my parents conflicts, I was conditioned to engage in conflict. And so I leap right in, vacating all reason. I knew how much I was produced by the past, but it was also a kind of shallow 'on paper' knowledge. I was never really able to see clearly that, yes, I too am dysfunctional, have been repeating mistakes like a broken record, have caved to the spiral of despairing visions that produce low self esteem. Somehow, I see it now and I am moving on. It's incredible. But I see now that it's a daily, moment to moment task. Whenever the despair comes, this is an invitation: an invitation to think deeply about where I come from, about who I am, about the meaning of life, about what I know and what I do not know. Saddness is an invitation. It may be even necessary: like something inside you is trying to show you something. But instead of seeing clearly, you continue to weave illusions.

Like, the illusions contained in your post.

1) it's like they want to see me mad.
2)People in my situation go postal or quit
3)Predestined to relive a pattern.

In a way, these despairing illusions are a way we take care of ourselves, or beseach God to take care of us. But it doesn't work. Go back, use your brain, see truthfully, acknowledge what you know and don't know about these people, yourself, come to the truth of the matter, problem solve, ask yourself how you can alter the situation, what you can do to optimize the situation, and you will see an emotional reward almost immediately. Over time, much like resisting a craving to smoke or drink, confronting your despair this way will become easier and you will repeat less the pain of the past.

davaidavai

You cannot accept yourself if you don't see yourself and others clearly. That's what I've found. I was always trying to love myself, but at the same time I was carrying around all this baggage of illusions about myself and other people, e.g., they're out to get me. In doing so, I wasn't respecting the motivations of others thereby responding disproportionately and making situations worse.

It was as if the sadness was trying to instruct me in my error, but instead of listening closely, I wove more illusions to avoid self-confrontation.

Now that I have confronted, now that I know how much I was produced out of the past, how much I myself am to blame as well, I accept my gifts.

Respecting everyone is important. Anger throws the whole thing off. It's the worst. You don't have to like everyone, but respecting everyone, understanding their motivations, vulnerabilities, socially enforced illusions, ambitions, etc., is a must if we are to succeed and to honour our own talents to the maximum.

MrsBrown

I am soooo feeling you guys. I just made a post about not wanting to force myself to do things when I am and always have been anti-social. I grew up in an abusive household so I have a lot of anger inside. I am constantly annoyed at how rude and ignorant people can be. It comforts me that Im not alone in my thoughts. I honestly think the answer for me(and maybe you) is sites like this where we can vent and be ourselves. Everyone feel free to add me as I'll be on here chatting instead of drinking my nights away.

davaidavai

Anti Social, Mrs. Brown? I think you should reconsider this term. Yes, I tend to fall silent, and yes, parties take much more effort for me than, say my brother: yes, I think bars full of idyll banter are hard to bare, and yes, for some I may appear anti-social, but for others -- and I am sure the case is the same with you and with soberliner -- I am insightful and deep.

We have to find ways of not being constantly annoyed that go beyond venting. Find the source of that annoyance and you may find that you aren't see people or your talented, insightful self clearly. :-).

MrsBrown

well the thing about it is people do like me, a lot in fact,and they invite me out a lot.i NEVER end up going, so now i have to be honest with people and say "that sounds nice but i gotta be honest and say i probably wont end up going". some of them get it, some get offended slightly even when I say im more of a homebody. i just dont have the desire to hang out with anyone outside of my small circle. and i dont like people calling me out of the blue and then i feel obligated to hang out with them because we are friends.if its my fiance or my brother i dont mind going out because i know i will enjoy their company but I dont like people bothering me to go out. I dont want to follow them wherever they feel like going and feel stuck with them all day and the women my age all have kids and I do not purposely because I dont want to hear them screaming all day while im trying to have a conversation with an adult.thats another thing the women my age all they want to talk about is their kids all day and it bores me to tears.the things i like to do are cook, gardening,surf the web, watch movies with my fiance. those are solo/couple activities i think..maybe i should make this a post maybe this isnt normal?? i dunno

NYCDoglvr

I made a decision to separate mentally -- let go -- of my screwed up childhood. I just don't want to go through life letting people live rent-free in my head. So I have challenges because of my childhood ... it doesn't matter what happened, or why, it only matters what I do TODAY. Add to that millions of people had screwed up childhood. I'm hardly unique.

I guess it was a decision to grow up.

davaidavai

The mental separation never worked for me. What is working, and in an incredible, ironic way, is totally accepting it and reminding myself daily 'this is where I come from. This is where my conditioning comes from.' It's only when I try to forget about it, it comes rushing back to bite me later on. We need to digest these things fully, least they stick in our guts. I'm expecting I will go on digesting for god knows how long, but you know what? Now that I'm truly living with an awareness of the past's effect on me, it doesn't hurt so much. In fact, pleasant memories are emerging. It was only when I was fighting it, trying to forget it, to avoid learning about the totality of its effect on me, that it hurt me.

It's like quitting booze. You live the steps everyday. You live with the sadness when it emerges. You dialogue with it and your past because you are trying to learn something important. It only feels like misery when you are trying to fight it off.

This makes so much sense to me now. Why didn't I see it before!

davaidavai

I've never done AA, but what I guess I am talking about is 'taking inventory' every day, ever moment when the sadness descends. The despair itself has addictive qualities, fighting it resembles fighting an addiction, wherein there are no half measures. But it is much more subtle. You can indulge depression without drinking or smoking anything or getting a hangover.

But unlike drinking, which is just a way of avoiding, depression is the first step toward understanding something important. You are depressed because you live with an unclear vision perpetuated by falsity.

Soberliner

I had a very good cry after work today. Coworkers is pretty much making do something I never wanted to do. Because The new me is so foreign and new. Just the thought of shareing my struggles at an AA meetting, feels like im bringing out the devil and slaying that devil. That sounds kool way I said that,lol.

Coworkers seem very hateful, but their only telling the truth how they feel. I cant be whole person it brings everyone else down at work. They would do better without me.

Thanks everyone, After my AA meetting, hopefuly will have great news to talk about next X.

Soberliner

davaidavai, after reading your first reply, Im pretty much the opposite of conflict. I grew up in alot of conflicts with my sister and dysfunctional family I tend to hide those emotions in public. Coworkers are trying to bring out my emotions to the surface. Thats why they want to see me mad. I have to say my coworkers are the brave and stupid pushing someone like me to the breaking point. I am very thankful that see something inme worth pushing out. Also very thankful they know im not crazy or they probably would of left me alone, maybe...

Thanks everyone, really great helpfull insights, When ever I feel like falling apart, coming back on here to reread these replys

KuanYin

Hey soberliner, I just now found this thread. I'm just learning all the sites on this forum, lots of good, useful info. I too came from a dysfunctional family, and now I have a 26 yo addict son. I don't think you are crazy, but I'm curious, what do you feel will happen when you reach your breaking point, and/or if you fall apart? I've often felt like I'm going to "fall apart", but I'm not exactly sure what that means. Know what I'm saying? It's like I've held myself together for so, so long that I don't know how to fall apart!

Soberliner

KuanYin- I feel the same way, like the some higher power is holding me together just to keep tortureing me. I got this post on my facebook page, says.

"Ok God, I understand the world is not fair, you can stop teaching me this lesson".

Now that I think about what my coworkers is trying to teach me is is to say so ******* what and get involved no matter who I am. Sadly I cant be something I dont no how to be, I've sheltered and scared that person alittle too long.

Maybe being homeless for awhile will scare the real me to come out. That would mean giving up a good job. AA meettings dont help cuz of being scared to succeed of bringing out the real me and the pressure to get involved more in life, with people.

brokenheart

Soberliner, if you are not ready to get more involved in life with people, that is okay. If and when you are ready, it will happen.

In my experience, AA members don't pressure anyone to do anything they are not ready to do.

What bothers me, or concerns me, is that you are scared of bringing out the real you.

What is the real you? I don't expect you to answer that here, but it may help for you to answer that just for yourself. Make a list of all of the qualities you see as the real you, or write about the real you. Then maybe make a list or write about the person you are now (who is not the real you) and compare the two. How are they alike? How are they different? What are the best qualities of each? What are the qualities that you'd like to keep and nurture.

These coworkers: they're just people, nothing superhuman, nothing better than you.

We cannot control what others do or say, but we can control how we react or respond when they do or say it.

Ultimately, we make this world a better place one person at a time...by striving to make ourselves a better person.

I wish you success in this journey called life.

Soberliner

Thanks-brokenheart-

ainsley1

Hugs. I understand/ relate to a lot of what you're saying.