Threshold

When I was a very small child, I used to sit at my mother's feet while she cooked dinner. We had a large family and in a box under the kitchen sink were sacks of potatoes and onions.

I would sit and peel onions, fascinated by the papery layers, taking exacting care to get every little bit off.

My recovery has been much the same way. Peeling back layer after layer. But at some point you get to the softer middle part and picking at it makes you cry.

I'm crying now.

Because underneath all the trimmings and trappings of active addiction is this soft stinking self. Recovery hasn't changed me at all. Three years in. Three years just to peel off the layers and find out what I am inside. Three years and no real headway, just exposure to something I don't know what to do with.

Maybe this is where I am supposed to start feeling hopeful, that now I CAN make some real changes, now that the layers are off. But instead i feel defeated, like I unwrapped the Christmas present only to find a piece of coal. No reward. What if another three years from now, all I discover is yet another stinking me?

I don't think active addiction is better than recovery. It's not. Just not using makes life easier in many ways. But right now, I wonder if all I will ever do is maintain the status quo, not get stinkier, but not get better either.

I'm not young. But I am far from mature. Far from a grown up.

The last few weeks have been very revealing for me.

Keep on keeping on, I hear. Don't leave before the miracle happens.

Will I one day experience what the Grinch did when he looked down from his lonely mountain and heard singing below? When his heart grew and his smile formed and he rushed down to become an accepted member of society?

I can see clearly why I used. And three years in and nothing has changed. I still have all those flaws and fears that started me using in the first place. Using isn't the answer. I wonder if there is an answer at all.

zxcirce

Threshold

This is a great analogy, and I'm sorry you're having a difficult time.

To take your analogy a little further though, what happens after you peel that onion? It stinks and you cry, and then you do the work to change that stinky mess into something good and nourishing. It doesn't end with a raw, useless onion! It ends with a meal that you can be proud of and that you and others will enjoy.

Take care.

BullDog777

you have to find out what it is that makes you happy and get about doing it. what i hear from you is a discontent about the way things are in your life.

you have to ask yourself what would make you happy? what will make you wanna start the day on a better foot. you have to ask yourself what's missing and find out what that is.

I'm 2 years and some change in sobriety and i know how you feel. you get to a place where...well...i felt stagnent and discontented and i had to ask why. that's only a question you can answer.

there's also the question of ..."is this discontent or are you depressed?" if you're depressed and can't answer why, you might benefit from some professional help. for me, when i was depressed it was always because deep down i was unhappy for some reason.

the answer to your question lies inside yourself. hang in there. we're all here for you.

keltie

Bulldog has a great point- could it be depression? I'm sorry you are at a "stuck" point in your recovery. By reading your posts, I can tell you are a very thoughtful and insightful person. Are you doing any step work? That may be helpful.

hopeforward

I can relate to this and I had to find something new, positive and healthy in order to rejuvenate and remember the parts of me that were productive and good.

soberlicious

Threshold, first off, I'm sorry you are feeling defeated. Secondly, I can tell you this, you have a gift for writing. Your use of words is pretty powerful. Is there any way you might use that gift to move you through this plateau you're experiencing?

Threshold

Thanks all,

I am wondering whether or not I should share some personal information that will "respond" to your posts...It feels like sharing it might come across as me shooting all your thoughts down, and that truly is not my intention, life is just rather confounding right now.

In one month my divorce will become final. I am in a holding pattern concerning some very practical things due to that. The divorce issue, the stagnation, and the practical and emotional situations surrounding that are huge.

I won't go into my litany of loss. We've all got one. One that IS particularly discouraging and responds somewhat to soberlicious is that I AM a writer, and somehow, the manuscripts of my novels got "lost" when my husband shipped them to me...

there are no words (no pun intended) to explain how that feels, on top of the financial and material and emotional losses, that my manuscripts are gone as well. Anyway....

Yes, I have depression and am on meds, as the divorce draws near I think that I need to have my meds evaluated. I am seeing my dr tomorrow.

The finalization of the divorce won't magically clear up these situations, but it will give me information I can use.

I am doing recovery work including step work, though I do sort of feel a sense of paralyses right now...the divorce situation is taking up a lot of energy. I have to go across country to do this, and somehow pack up a few belongings to stash with someone and say goodby to many things, places and someones. It's sort of a big deal.

I've not only worked on my addiction recovery, but truly put thought and effort into many areas and things in my life the past few years. I feel deflated. It seems that a great deal of effort has led to very little if any progress.

I'm in one of those going through the motions periods. At least that should make nothing worse. Many things that have a bearing on my short term future are currently out of my hands, and that is scary, but probably the reality is that it is no more or less true than at any other time, just more obvious.

I'm teeter tottering in paradox...nothing matters...that's a relief. nothing matters...that is scary as anything.

I am an artist, so I keep my hand at that. I am a writer, and I have two blogs that I am trying to keep current on areas of interest.

I'm going through the motions. I hope it's enough.

I worry though, because my track record is that I am my own worst enemy. I will go along, go along, go along...then one day the worm turns in my brain and I say "F it" and......

I feel like there is thick sound proof glass between myself and my world and the people in it.

For some people, depression is an overwhelming "down" feeling. For me, it often manifests as an inability to feel at all. I feel as though I am unreal, as if I am disappearing, being erased. And then some horrifying terror takes over and I get desperate to feel anything at all. All judgement goes out the window.

I hope the snow storm that is forecast does not hit, because I really need to see my dr tomorrow.

GalFriday

It sounds like you are right where you are "supposed" to be right now. Sadness and feelings of defeat are very real and very normal feelings when you are dealing with things as you described. I would be more worried about you if you were NOT feeling some degree of depression.

You also said that "recovery has not changed you". Maybe you are expecting too much from yourself and need to cut yourself a break. If you are wanting to be upbeat and happy while going thru a divorce and moving away from your former life, well that is not realistic. Instead, be very proud of yourself for going thru all of this and staying clean/sober. And feel proud that you are allowing yourself to feel legitimate grief and sadness and loss without trying to cover it up.

Big life changes like you are having cause a great deal of feelings and emotions and doubt. It might not be what you want to hear, but TIME has to pass before you will start feeling happy again and before you fell like things are looking up. So just know that you really are on the right path and you really are making progress in the right direction!

BullDog777

I too am an artist. Alot of my self worth is wrapped into my paintings. I think it's just how we're wired..or atleast i am, as people.

Nothing you wrote seems anything but a normal reaction to a difficult situation.

it would make me sad too if my work went missing, but the one thing you have that cannot ever be taken away is the ability to do more. That gift has been something that always keeps me going.

An old art teacher of mine used to say this passage at the beginnning of every class. it's always stuck with me....
" We have the ability to be like God in our own works. We have the ability to make the unseen, uncreated ideas that live in our minds spill onto paper and canvas' and come alive to become a gift for others. We, the very few hold this tremendous gift. What can ever be better than that?"

i dunno...that always made me feel good so i wanted to share that with you. Hope you feel better soon.

macknacat

I agree w/ bulldog- this does sound like a very normal reaction. I do the art thing too. I find that i can 'mine' some of my toughest experiences to insert into long pieces - and they can turn into complete prose poems or songs. "The Artist Way" was an old resource that was instrumental in opening me up to many of the concepts i would later discover in NA

staying clean has meant that i could complete my first novel, build an all glass walled room where musicians can gather around the fire pit , and steadily progress on my "bucket dream": a self built 31' catamaran....

There are some really good paragraphs in what you have shared . Keep doing that.

Rilke [Letters to a young Poet]: “we must always trust in the difficut, then what now appears to us as the most alien will become our most intimate and trusted experince......You must realize that something is happening to you , that life has not forgotten you , that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall.”

soberlicious

I agree with the others that these are very valid reasons for feeling like you do. You have had a tough run...when it rains it pours. Just hold on tightly to the things you talked about that are helping you at least maintain right now, and consider that life is always changing. Ease, comfort, challenge, pain...these things just swirl about and intermingle for me sometimes. I guess what I'm trying to say is trust that things will get better, even when it feels like they won't.

and your writing is beautiful.

Threshold

Thanks all. Hugs!

I just got back from my dr. She agrees with all of you, my current feelings are pretty understandable given my present challenges.

She says to so what it takes to get through this with my sense of self intact, or at least with what tools I need to rebuild it.

She said she sees no point in medicating away a perfectly normal response to a difficult experience.

It really helps to have people tell me I am not as lost as I think I am.

whew!

Captain1

Wow scared the crap out of me. I look up to you and read your great post. Sometimes when I think of failing I think of how long you have struggled. The drugs you have been on makes me feel like a wuss. You are stronger than you think. And truly close to happiness. I just thought of my first week of detox. Remember how hard it was?

Stay strong my friend.