AD33

Hi,

I'm an AA newcomer with a dual diagnosis - Borderline Personality Disorder/depression (newly diagnosed). I'm realising that abandonment is one of my key triggers for cravings to drink, use, overdose.

Anyway, my sponsor had to cancel a meeting today due to ill health and she let me know I could call her if needed. I sent her a text asking her when would be a good time over the weekend and haven't yet heard back from her.

I went to a meeting I don't know very well but quite like instead. It was good to listen but due to my mental illness amongst other things I find it difficult to share in a group - when I've shared in most meetings to date I get a severe shame kick back afterwards that can set off self-harm. Sometimes I just share anyway but today I didn't as I felt too vulnerable. It's been suggested that for the moment I share one-to-one so I'm trying my best to do that - mainly with my sponsor as it's difficult for me at present to trust people in AA.

Anyway, after the meeting I went into total loneliness and abandonment and had a persistent thought/craving to overdose on alcohol and painkillers. I kept reminding myself of "one day at a time" and made it back to my parents' house (living here is driving me crazy as they refuse to attend Al-Anon but I'm trying to let go of what they do or don't do as best I can).

I decided to post this here to air it and to remind myself that support is out there and that I am not alone.

Just for today I am going to bed without a drink or a non-prescribed drug in me.

fourmaggie

is there anyone else you can talk too?...

take one step at a time..you are doing good...

aboundonment....congrats! you are finding your triggers...that is a blessing in its self you are becoming aware of YOU now, and your feelings...

how about a good hot bubble bath and a lite AA read....

tjp613

AD33 - So glad that you are reaching out for help and support here at SR!

My 18 yr old daughter was diagnosed with "emerging" BPD and she spent a year in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) which was a tremendous help. 5 months of that was in residential treatment which was very beneficial for her. Have you ever heard of DBT? If not, you may want to ask your psychiatrist/therapist about it or look up resources yourself.

Glad you're here

AD33

Hi,

I'm supposed to be starting therapy, which may be DBT I'm not sure, after I get stabilised on new meds.

At present I speak people from the mental health team who diagnosed me when I'm desperate but I've found that posting here helps too.

Had some negative experiences in other fellowships, which I've posted about elsewhere, so building trust in AA is a slow process for me. But there are a couple of people I sometimes reach out to. Hoping my support network in and out of AA will grow with time...

Maybe I'll check out an AA chair online.

Anyway, thanks for the responses...

JustAYak

I can relate. Abandonment is a huge trigger for me. I don't self harm, but it sends me reeling into these feelings of worthlessness that have been reinforced to me since childhood. If I feel abandoned I find that I get intense cravings for my DOC and am likely to make rash decisions...it used to push me to the point of suicidal thoughts, but not anymore. I know that I am worth it and I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, but it does get better. Just keep doing what you're doing, especially therapy. That has helped me loads.

tjp613

I LOVE Poms!!

Mo S

No - you certainly aren't alone on this one!

I thinks it's great you've identified one of your triggers.

I have "fear of abandonment". It's gotten ALOT better with behavioral therapy. There are still times tho, when my personal relationships get into "limbo", (like your situation with your sponsor and the unanwered text) I'm not sure whats going on with them, and I go right into that fear. Therapy helped me sort thru the reasons behind the feelings and come up with solutions so the fear doesnt become pervasive. It was a trigger for drinking/drug using for YEARS and I didn't even know it. For me, it was essential that I stay clean and sober in order to start dealing with all my mental health issues. They are so interlaced; my mental health effects my emotional sobriety and vice versa.

I wish you the best.

NYCDoglvr

I was extremely oversensitive in early sobriety. In fact, it's a very volatile time, emotions all over the place but you will feel better the longer you stay away from alcohol/drugs. We get emotionally stronger. You already have some powerful tools: you know your trigger, grasp the concept of not drinking today and asking for help. I found it helpful to have one or two other people to talk to when "the voices" reared their ugly head ... typically it just takes one phone call to get my crazy thinking under control. Therapy will be a big help ...

bas0120

I, too, suffer with a dual diagnosis of BPD and alcoholism. I identify all too well, and commend you for having the insight to recognize one your triggers. As someone has already mentioned, DBT can be of great help. I have been in DBT for 6 months now, and it has been an absolute blessing. It's hard work, but I found that I had to accept and surrender to my diagnosis and treatment just like I did my alcoholism and Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the tools DBT teaches me to use is mindfulness; how to be one-mindfully in the moment. This very tool is the tool that I use most when dealing with my feelings of abandonment - real or imagined. I hope for you that DBT is the therapy they are speaking of. Being in DBT and working with an individual therapist is just as important to my sobriety as me being in the middle of the boat in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. They go hand in hand for me. Always remember this; we are not recovering from a physical injury, we are recovering from a way of life that is ingrained in our very being...this takes time and can only be accomplished one day at a time!

Threshold

I understand. I won't say more because I feel I can't be encouraging right now.

flower43

Hi AD33, Does your sponsor know about abandonment as a trigger? Maybe you can find a way to tell him/her so that they don't unintentionally send you down a dark hole. I hope you can learn to trust your sponsor with the information, whoever that person may be. Anyway, glad you thought to post and talk about it!

NYCDoglvr

This will sound silly, but here's a saying I use: "if you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras" By the sound of your post, you're questioning your reaction which is a big step in dealing with this issue.