beyondthesky

So, I was stupid. I thought I would be able to go out and see some friends of mine, and just have a beer. But, as I discovered, "having a beer" turned into, "hey, I can have just one line, or maybe two". I caught myself before it turned into anything major, but I still had those two lines. Now I'm feeling horribly depressed, miserable, and like the lowest piece of **** right now. It's been a couple of days, but even the thought of suicide and cutting has crossed my mind more than once.

I don't want to repeat this cycle anymore. I've been going to nearly six hours of therapy once a week, and in the same day. I have a Relapse Prevention group in the morning, and a Concurrent Disorder group in the afternoon. I also see a therapist as well. I feel like I'm doing everything I can, but I can't seem to drag myself out of this funk.

likehappiness

Okay. I have been where you are. You screwed up. Found that you are addicted and are POWERLESS over it. We are addicts and that stinks. Do not let this ruin your wanting to be sober. It's done and over with. Move forward because you are your own worst enemy because you resent yourself for screwing up.

I was so upset with myself for relapsing. Now it's about what are you gonna do about it? You've been both places. Is it better to be sober and move forward? or go back to the drugs?...I think not. That is a worse feeling.

NOTHING in this world is worth suicide...and certainly not a minor relapse. We ALL have those thoughts and find out that we are addicts. Say the serenity prayer a few times and think about it. You can't change the past but you can change the future. Forgive yourself.

beyondthesky

I appreciate the bluntness, I guess I just needed to see it a few more times. I've been throwing myself at my journal, and working myself to the bone to ignore those feelings when they do pop up.

likehappiness

I beat myself up for a few weeks but honestly, consider it a learning experience. You now know that you cannot hang out and have "one beer" or "one line". We like it too much and don't know when to say NO once started.

Move forward. Change your sobriety date and say to yourself...I can do this and pray to the strength and courage to stay sober every day.

Dee74

welcome back beyondthesky


I identify with feeling 'I was doing all I can' too...but the bottom line is - when I was still drinking/using, & when I was thinking I'd be able to catch some friends, and just have a beer...then I wasn't doing all I can.

Not trying to be rude or argumentative - it's just it's those times when we think things like that, when our recovery really stands up...or falls down.

I always encourage people to look at what happened and then think about what they could add to what they've been doing to make sure next time the decisions are different

D

beyondthesky

@Dee; That seems like a good idea. Much has transpired since I as last here; my coke fiend former friend is now smoking crack, so I shut myself in again. The problem is, is that aside from my husband, I don't have a lot of friends that I can go to with this type of problem. Many of them are over a province away, and some are people who I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to about this.

Dee74

have you thought of programmes - AA/NA, SMART etc, BTS?

That might be a way to find some sober support and people to talk to, or numbers to call, in times of temptation?

D

beyondthesky

I've been looking, but a lot of those groups left a very bad taste in my mouth, one in particular was more of a social club for those people rather than a helpful group. I've been having my once a week meetings, and they are helping, but I have little outside resources to turn to.

Dee74

I hope you'll continue to plug yourself in here then - lots of support and ideas here

D

Pandie

Hang in there. This is a disease. You've got to keep getting back up. No matter how many times we fall, as long as we get up we will make it.

~Pandie

Zencat

I know that feeling of powerless when I think its okay to just have one then go way beyond that. As an addict I just cant go there. My history with drugs showed me that I have rarely managed to just have a few then stop.

Unfortunately relapses happen. It took me a wile to get addicted so it can take a wild to undo all that damage. Keep up with your addiction treatments because you can recover .