My Permanent Midnight
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Memphis TN
Posts: 1
My Permanent Midnight
would like to share my story in hopes that it may help at least one other person that suffers from the sickness....I grew up in a middle class family on the Mass./NH border, the youngest of three children. I lost my mother when I was young (12) and it almost became a taboo topic to speak about her death in my family, I guess everyone grieves in their own way, but not dealing with this led me to become very guarded and emotionally ******** I just followed the lead of everyone else in my family and kept everything locked up inside, I mean why let it out and show some type of vulnerability, right? Anyway not dealing with this led me straight into the path of a waiting storm...a ******* tsunami, I would learn soon enough. I was always on of the "cool"kids so experimenting with drugs was just a normal existence in a town of 25,000 people. While I am not proud to say this, I had tried every drug that man has ever abused (which I took pride in at the time) The drug scene was cool, right? It sparked creativity, made sex so much better, I had "good" friends Then along the way came the Opiates, and I had found my new lover. Just me and her, she had everything I was looking for....she comforted me, made me feel great about myself and most of all I thought she would never betray me....HOLY ****....was I wrong. Eventually I began shooting heroin, as all opiate addicts will eventually do if they continue, no matter what reservations or moral fortitude that you think you might have, that's where your gonna end up. I needed a bag of dope just to get out of bed in the morning, to drink coffee, to shave...what a LIFE!!! But soon it became sustenance and I no longer knew anything else but living in my newly created HELL. I would lie, cheat, and steal....whatever it took. THE FACE OF EVIL IS ALWAYS THE FACE OF TOTAL NEED. Wouldn't you? I guess William Burroughs said it best when he compared opiate addiction to rabies, a rabid dog has no choice but to bite. And of course alongside addiction comes crime...you might think hey I don't commit crimes to supply my addiction, but oh you will, you will. And alongside crime comes punishment. After your done stealing from your family and friends,and there's nothing left to take, you have to move on.....Which led me to my first prison sentence 5 years in the state penitentiary, for receiving stolen property and possession of heroin w/ Intent to distribute. In three years I went from College student to inmate #29539. Do you think that slowed me down? Not at all, I used opiates any chance I could get, and if you were in the "right" circle drugs are very easy to get behind the walls....After my five years I went right back to what I knew...the same "friends", same neighborhoods and so on.....what did that lead to? A $400.00 a day heroin habit and guess what? Yep, another prison sentence...Nothing says comfort more than kicking a 5-6 gram a day habit cold turkey in a cell 23 hours a day....Oh wait they do give you Ibuprofen and Maalox, Oh what a relief it is Once again my habits didn't change I still had the whole get-over behavior, and guess where that leads....you got it...RELAPSE! I began using again a month after release, cause of course I HAD to see what my old friends were up to....even though I knew.....NOTHING...nothing ever happens in the addicts world, life is incidental, it's a perpetual hourglass of junk. Flash forward 3 years (of course I ran the whole time, even though I was on Parole) but it was all about me. **** everyone else I hurt in the process or that my newborn son wouldn't have a dad if I were sent back to prison, Life revolves around me and my needs. As of this writing I have been clean for 3 1/2 months, not a great deal of time but definetely a personal best. How did I get clean? I made a conscious decision to take my life back...Put everything behind me, move a 1,000 miles away and start anew. I have tried every option possible....methadone maintenance, Suboxone, AA/NA, Rehabs, detoxes, every form of self-detox...But I could never get myself to shut the door fully on my old life, I always left it cracked open, just a little bit. I was always told that you need to CHANGE everything, but once again I was different from everyone else, I could do it MY way, and you know what? MY way never worked. During my years of active addiction I've been transported by ambulance twice to the ER and treated for an overdose, once was a 4 day stay in the ICU. Of course that didn't stop me either, just slowed me down. I don't attend AA or NA regularly anymore, it may work for a lot of people, but it's not the only way to recover so don't be discouraged if you don't get it....there are other alternatives, I have heavily researched Rational-Emotive therapy and Dialectic-Behavior therapy and find those suit me best...Today I am a father, a son, a brother, a boyfriend and not a JUNKIE. But I do have an allergic reaction to junk,if I use once, all bets are off and I always remember...WHY GIVE UP EVERYTHING FOR ONE THING, WHEN YOU CAN GIVE UP ONE THING AND HAVE EVERYTHING!!! It's the ending of the story that counts, so start TODAY writing your ending......Don't compare my story with yours, IDENTIFY....addiction is full of yet's.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
Tommy: That's really awesome. What an amazing story, of hope. You must have been in college for a while because you certainly are a very good writer!
I'm the mom of a 26 year old addict son, whose god is morpheus. Shoots oxys/roxys, and is on methadone, takes benzos, and whatever else. After 6 years of me hanging in there, sacrificing my very life, and "helping", I finally had to walk away. In my ignorance I used to pray that God would take his addictions away from him and give them to me. Not that I thought I could handle them better, but I felt that I'd lived a full and happy enough live, and I wanted my son to have a chance. But it doesn't work that way, does it? Ah, the fantasies us loved ones of addicts feed on.
Tommy, I don't think it's midnight for you anymore. Methinks I see the dawn breaking on yon horizon.....
I'm the mom of a 26 year old addict son, whose god is morpheus. Shoots oxys/roxys, and is on methadone, takes benzos, and whatever else. After 6 years of me hanging in there, sacrificing my very life, and "helping", I finally had to walk away. In my ignorance I used to pray that God would take his addictions away from him and give them to me. Not that I thought I could handle them better, but I felt that I'd lived a full and happy enough live, and I wanted my son to have a chance. But it doesn't work that way, does it? Ah, the fantasies us loved ones of addicts feed on.
Tommy, I don't think it's midnight for you anymore. Methinks I see the dawn breaking on yon horizon.....
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 313
It's always kind of sad when someone shows up at these recovery forums with hope and promise, only to disappear into the night. I wonder if Tommy stayed clean? I wonder how he's doing today, 9 months after his original and only post? We are left to wonder and then persevere on our own course. One day at a time.
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