JokersGirl

So I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on March 6th.

I am going because the counselor wants me to. She doesnt think my meds are helping me as much as they could be. Alot of my problem is i am really stressed out. I went to a psychologist like idk a couple years ago, and they diagnosed me with depression (severe), adhd (no suprise there i act just like my son), and anxiety. They had me take a bunch of tests and then i had to take papers for my husband and a friend to fill out just asking questions about my behavior and how i react to things.

They have me right now on Celexa 20 mg once a day, and Ritalin 20 mg 2-3 times a day. They have wanted several times to put me on Xanax or something like that but i have always resisted because i just cant take stuff like that during the day, it makes me so sleepy. I don't like the way i feel on Xanax or antianxiety meds.

Anyhow i am still depressed and upset a lot of the time. Some days it is real hard for me to get up and keep going. I work a lot....like all last week Mon-Fri I worked 8-5, then the weekend i worked 6 pm-6am Fri-Sat-Sun. Now i am back on 8-5 days. I am just exhausted i have trouble sleeping and some times i will just lay around most of the weekend if i dont work, and then i dont get anything done. I also cry a lot and feel like a loser.

I have been clean quite a while, like almost a year, before that well the last time i used my drug of choice which is meth, was July 2009. Then i had a slip up with cocaine about a year ago which was just a one evening thing. Well i screwed up again last week and did coke one evening. In my defense it was free and i didnt exactly go looking for it. LOL. My family doesnt know this happened and i don't plan on it happening anymore.

I hope this thing goes well with the psychiatrist. I am real hesitant to mention my past drug use and my recent slip up, because i am afraid they will take away my Ritalin. I don't abuse it, i don't even take it a lot of times on the weekend, but i am scared to death at the thought of being blacklisted and unable to use Ritalin or Adderall ever again, by prescription. I don't need it every day i guess but it sure does help, it helped our son a lot too, and now he is out of high school and went off it. Now he wont stay in school or keep a job and is drinking all the time. I wish he would go back in and get put on it. He did a lot better on it.

I am also scared they will take me off my antidepressant cold turkey. I went off Paxil one time like that and i had headaches and felt dizzy and crappy for weeks. The idea of that on top of having the other one took away is terrifying, i feel i will have a headache all the time and be tired and ******** feeling from not taking the other one.

I am scared they will try to put me on something like Xanax or Ativan or Valium. I HATE those things, i cannot take them other than for sleep maybe. One time i was really really upset at work (I work at the family business in addition to being an RN...and this was at the family business) and i took HALF of a xanax. Like a quarter of a milligram. I was so snowed out i fell asleep on the table at lunch. I had to go home. My husband was SO mad at me.

I am also scared if they find out I used to do drugs they will report me to the state board of nursing and I will get my RN license took away. I will be happy to pee in a cup for them, I am clean....but still. If they take that away it will be so humiliating and i will lose all my money.

I know i should go to this because the counselor wants me to and i talked to the lady here in town who is a nurse practitioner who i go to when i am sick and also the one who writes my scripts for the Celexa and the Ritalin. She thinks it is a good idea because maybe i could be put on a mood stabilizer even though i am not bipolar. They said sometimes that helps treatment resistant depression. The counselor thinks i should maybe try this new Vyvanse stuff but i dont really want to, this is cheap and it works good. The adhd med i mean. Its only like $20 a month. The Celexa is cheap too, and even though i am still depressed, i am so much worse off it.

Anyways i want to go but only cause they want me to, I am quite nervous about going for a lot of reasons also. I am very hesitant to open up to this new person i do not know. I do not want any of this stuff about me getting out. I know with HIPPA it isnt supposed to, but i know as an RN occasionally it does. No one at my doctor here in town knows about me ever having done a drug or trying to kill myself in the past, only my counselor knows. I don't want this coming back to bite me.