CleoAK

So I had seven years of sobriety starting when I was 24, this last August I fell off the wagon. I have a 14 month old as well as a wonderful hubby who has offered to quit drinking to help me (he has about 1 beer a week). I can't seem to stop. I went from Christmas to now without much trouble but I am away for a week on a conference and I fell right back into it. I think he knows but I am afraid to talk to him as he would be so hurt but it. He was so hurt before. I can't bear to hurt him and yet it doesn't stop me. The thing is it is so much worse this time, I fell right back into those destructive behaviors but it isn't just about me anymore and I don't know what to do. I did an out patient treatment program in August and I know all the mind tools but it seems to overcome them. I am so ashamed of myself, I really hate myself right now. I don't know how to fix this mess I have made, I am a terrible person and I don't know where to turn anymore. My life is so much better without it, why isn't that enough for me?

Terminally Unique

Since you posted this in the secular forum, I will presume that you are not interested in 12-Step. If you have not done so already, you may want to check out Rational Recovery. They teach a method known as AVRT, and specialize in helping people for whom addiction treatment did not 'take'.

CleoAK

Hi, I did AA initially but gave up on it after about 6 months. many of the people participating scared me. I actually really didn't do any kind of program for that 7 years and this is perhaps where I fell down. I feel I also got too confident in my own ability to say no. I still believe that decision to take a drink is a choice and it should be that easy to say no but honestly, taking that first drink in Aug was a big surprise to me as I did not see the warning signs. Thinking back now, I got lonely, I was sad and alcohol used to be my way to escape that. I am looking at the RR book now - i don't suppose they make it in an ebook?

CleoAK

I was reading your posts on the forum - you seem to get it - I feel like I had it down for a number of years but i did give myself that out especially in the last year - so is that it? if I don't give myself an "out" I can do this? How do I make sure I don't change my mind again. It was so easy that first few years as I was so committed. I think in some way i forgot how persistent the voice (as i call it) can be.

Terminally Unique

This is what AVRT is about — learning the ability to recognize and neutralize any thinking or feeling that might lead to changing your mind. The RR book is not available as an eBook yet, but I sent you some links via Private Message that should get you started. Check your inbox.

CleoAK

Thank you, I really appreciate the help.

soberlicious

CleoAK,
wow...you sound so much like me. I also quit in my early 20's, no program. I did not drink for 10 years, then started again when my children were quite young. I drank heavily and daily for 7 years, until I was baker-acted for a suicide attempt. It has been 5 years since I've had a drink or drug and this time is different. I quit in an "AVRTish" way...I did not know of AVRT at the time.

I would encourage you to look into AVRT. And do not fear. The 7 years you did not drink are not "lost" and you are not a failure. While you did drink again, it is not productive to dwell. That is just another way for "it" to get to you, so stop doing that and move forward.

I'm thinking of you. I have complete faith that you can quit, if you so desire.

TallWater

I'm just as ashamed of myself for my relapse after two years. I'm glad you're here and reading. AA never worked for me and I thought I had the disease trounced. I could go to bars and strip clubs without a tingle for the alcohol. Then a minor celebration for a work event sent me off down the dark path.
My GF and her family aren't alcoholics and it's violently evident when juxtaposed with my family history (though both my grandfather and father have been able to quit of their own volition).

I will be keeping tabs on your thread

TW

kanamit

Jack Trimpey likens it to a simple computer program. If you're a non-techie, you can view these as a set of simple step/instructions (which is basically what a computer program is). this has been covered already on the AVRT threads:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3125343