JokersGirl

I don't know what is wrong with me.

Ive been clean for a long time. I used meth and cocaine for probably about 4 years but i have been for the most part clean since July 2009.

Ive had a couple one day mess ups with coke, and one horrific two day adderall/ritalin/cocaine binge that was about 8 months ago, maybe a bit longer. I felt awful after that and said no more and had done pretty good. Meth was always my DOC.

I dont have any connections any more. And i don't try to make any.

Today has been awful though. Ive literally been crawling out of my skin. I havent fiended like this since i was actively using. My husband has something going on tonight so i texted one of my friends to see if they want to go shopping with me. I dont know what it is. Ive dreamt about meth the last couple nights. I couldnt wait to get out of work. It was maddening.

Hoping i will get this out of my head again soon.

Kat4184

Sorry you're feeling like this. I too have been addicted to meth before, and the dreams are so realistic - quite daunting. I would advise that you try to keep yourself as busy as possible. Hope you are feeling better soon... Have you been going to meetings or therapy?

janiebluebird

If I were you I would try to remember how badly it felt at the worst times- when you are coming down, feeling like death, etc. I used coke a few days ago while on an alcohol binge and the come down was horrendous. It actually prompted me to try and stop alcohol all together. Think about how Whitney Houston is dead now, most likely from her use of upper-type drugs like these. It is such a waste and you are so much better off without it. The high only lasts a little while and then you are left feeling depressed and like **** for days after. Find something else to take your mind off of it and the craving will eventually pass, and you will have gained even more self discipline- showing yourself that you do have the power to control your actions. Maybe go take a hot yoga class tonight or something? Go to a book store or library, that can be calming as well. Stay strong.

JokersGirl

im ashamed of myself, i thought i could have a little cocaine and it would be okay. my friend gave me a little of it and i was stupid. ive slept only because i took xanax and stuff, but ive eaten very little and now i have sores in the sides of my mouth, my stomach hurts, and my respiratory infection i had is worse probably from my immunity being in the trash and malnutrition. Hopefully this is not TMI but i have a freaking yeast infection from hell too. So i am treating that as well but i am going to call the damn doctor. I am just like i am worn out and sick. I have to work all weekend but i thought it would not go this far and i would feel better. If i do not stop doing these things i am going to die. I am hard on my body and it shows.

i am embarrassed by my stupidity and i feel crappy. i dont know why i do these things. i should of went back to NA and ask for help and told them i was struggling but i had to be pigheaded about things.

i am okay tho otherwise, if nothing else at least it got it out of my system and reminded me i could always feel worse.

Kind of pathetic after i had gone so long to screw up over something like this.

Shining~Again

really good to hear you're going to the doctor.
Possibly because you were on the edge of having health problems (btw - haven't had one of those since my late teens but I still remember the hell!(infection)) maybe that was why you were having such a rough time craving?
I dunno...I've had a lot of problems lately with chronic vertigo and have had 2 nights of wicked using dreams... I feel lousy and maybe the dreaming of drugs is me just struggling with not feeling good. *sigh*
oh well...tis another day, I hope you get to feeling better and the anxiety lessons.
(((hugs to you)))

janiebluebird

There's no such thing as doing a little bit of coke. Thats the one thing I wish I never tried. Its half the reason I've decided to stop drinking, because a lot of the time when I'm drunk a find a way to get coke and its a nightmare the next few days- being depressed and hung over. I decided that I have to stop everything after I got drunk and did coke the past 2 weekends before this one. Its a waste of money, huge waste of time, and it was taking a toll on my real life. Try to stay away from it all... I'm new to this, but I've never been so strong in my conviction to stay with it.

Impurrfect

(((JG))) - I'm sorry you're struggling. I've had a really bad day today, too, and my mind wants to escape.

I was out doing my job, was a couple miles from where I was last locked up and drove by there..don't want to go back. It was in the middle of a crack 'hood (my DOC) but I never thought of that.

However, I know the way I'm feeling? I'm not going to do anything stupid. I'll have 5 years in a few weeks, and my using was usually connected to other dysfunctional people, relationships with A's that I couldn't "fix". I'm sad to say I feel back at square one (okay, maybe two because I have not used and have no intention of) but I recognized the feelings as "danger!!!" and I'm just going to hang out on SR for a while.

I'm living with an A (my stepmom) and my dad who has NO clue about addiction - he thinks I'm "cured". I'm here because of some pretty hefty consequences of my using days.

Pick yourself up, dust off, and get back on recovery road. My using dreams, thoughts, etc. are very rare, but today? I want to be numb. I won't, because I've worked too damned hard to get to where I am. I won't because I don't want to even THINK about the friends I've made here...I adore them, and they've always been here for me.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to make this "all about me", just sharing a little ES&H

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

likehappiness

Must be in the air. I also have had a terrible day. I have had a migraine headache for about 2 weeks straight there was only 2 days that it was very very minor. Today it was a full out, wanted to chop my head off migraine. I cried it hurt so bad and that just made it hurt more....

My problem is I feel like I just have to suffer throught it because if I go to the doctor I can't get anything for pain and I don't want to to be made to feel like I am "drug seeking". And then the other bad thing is I have to pay the full price tag for going to the doctor because it is a pre-existing condition for me and that won't drop off until May of this year. So it would be an extremely high bill for a doctor visit for which I don't think I would get any help anyway. Then, I don't want to go to a different doctor because god forbid I would be doctor shopping.

If I did get some narcs to help my headache I would give them to my husband to dole them out to me but am VERY scared it will put me back into a relapse that way. I told my husband that I contemplated calling my connection to get something cause it hurt so dang bad and I just wanted to throw up all day. I didn't have headaches during withdrawl which was over a month now and my husband thinks that is the problem. It isn't...it is more crazed hormones.

It stinks being an addict and not being able to get relief for a legitimate problem. So it was a rough day.

likehappiness

I have had using dreams too and they are more sporadic for me now. They were more frequent when I first quit.

The worst is when you don't sleep well and get up the next more and feel like you have a hang over. Used to just make me plain mad. If I'm gonna have a hangover I at least want to have a good reason for it!!!

JokersGirl

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

maybe it is something in the air, i dont know. maybe it is just being tired of winter and depression and i dont know what all.

i need to stop thinking i can go off my meds. im supposed to be on an antidepressant and an adhd med and some times i think it dont help so i just go off it. the counselor wants me to go to a psych dr and i have an appointment for march 6th. she dont think my medicine helps me like it ought to. She wants me to take something for anxiety but i dont want to cause it makes me tired and its hard to work like that.

i always say im gonna stop working so much and being so stressed out, i think stress brings it on. But of course here i am, starting my 6th day in a row of work with 6 to go. And yesterday, today, and tomorrow are 12 hour shifts. Then i get to feeling so tired and yuck and blah and depressed. Get tired of working and then coming home to pick up after the family and cook and clean. Sometimes i just want a break and then i do dumn stuff.

There isnt any excuse for it, or for any of the crap i pull. Its just an excuse.

The dr says i need to rest more and eat better cause i am always sick. I guess i just get tired of feeling crappy.

likehappiness

JokersGirl, Sounds like you and I are very similar. I was a WORK AHOLIC. I worked two jobs for over 25 years and sometime 3. I had the philosophy of work hard...play hard. Now that had have been a full blown addict, for the first time in my life I am working one job.

I am thinking that you need to take a rest and be good to your self for a iittle while. LIfe will pass you by....trust me I know. Make sure you are getting some good quality time to yourself with work obligations.

JokersGirl

yep i understand where you are coming from.

if i am not working or cleaning house i think i am doing something wrong. Right now i work full time at the family business and part time at the hospital and almost every time i work a 36 hr weekend i will end up getting sick. I just finished my 3rd series of antibiotics the other day that i started on the last time i worked a 3 day weekend.

this has been going on for years, i am always sick and exhausted from working, i used to work both jobs full time, but once i got to my mid thirties i had to stop doing it, i was working 18-20 hours a day every day almost. I used to use meth to stay awake and get more work done and i am ashamed to admit that i even used when i worked as an RN so that i could stay awake. I was not working tweeked out of my mind but i used to stay awake and would have a bump in the bathroom here and there or take ritalin or adderall. Now they say i have adhd anyways like my son, haha maybe that is why i always picked these drugs. Ive never been more than a social drinker, and i only have used pain meds when i was prescribed them and in pain....but stimulants, they made me feel like i was alive and not a zombie and i guess that is why.

I am trying now like tonight i get off at 6 am, back in the day i would have come home, did a few lines of crank and been back down to the family business to work all day, then home to do laundry and cook and clean, and possibly back for another night shift. I am trying tho like today i got off at 6 am and i slept til 1 pm and then I am going to try to not go in tomorrow if my husband can stay off my back about it.

Thats another thing i dont understand is he dont want me on drugs but he wants me to work 20 hours a day. Ive got myself to the point where i dont feel like i deserve any down time, or anything like even food or a haircut. I dont understand it. But i am trying. Last week I got an eye exam and new glasses. It killed me spending $450 on myself but i did it. Yet i used to justify this money with dope cause i needed it to work.

I sure dont understand myself, i am just as crazy as anyone i have ever met! But we are working on it, we have been going to the marriage counselor since last October and i have an appointment March 6 with a psychiatrist the counselor wanted me to see. I am going to see the Dr here tomorrow after i get up to see if i need more antibiotics or something.

I am just so tired and so sad and so ashamed.

likehappiness

Jokersgirl....

Well we are more alike than I thought. I do am an RN and would similar things. Now that I am not doing drugs I feel tired alot more. The drugs used to help me stay awake also and I was able to go. Now it's a little bit harder so I am glad that I am only working one job.

My license is currently suspended and I have been working a regular job. My finances got chopped in about 2/3 of what I was making but finally can breathe and have a real life. I am lucky to have the support of my husband.

Interesting how we are still willing to pay for drugs and not take care of ourselves. It is a sick addiction.

IvanKatz

Jokers girl,
I've been in your shoes more time than I can remember, with respect to over working myself. I would work 65-75 hours a week and would ALWAYS end up sick with a cold or whatever. Our bodies and immune system tend to break down when it's over worked and over stressed. I will admit though, at the time when I was billing $75.00 an hour it was too tough to turn down the work. In the end though, I would have to turn down work because it made no sense (when the dust settled) that I would end up having to take 3-4 days for my body to re-coupe from exhaustion. You don't get anything done when your home and sick. Of course, when I was taking prescription pain meds, your body doesn't care too much about rest or nutrition.
Presently, work is so sporadic with the economy in the crapper. Now I'm using my free time to take care of myself - like going to the gym and keeping up my house. The exercise thing is starting to pay off though. I've been hitting it hard for a few weeks now and my energy level is climbing as a result. My back pain is definitely still there but it is getting better little by little now that I'm putting some muscle back on.

As for you, it is so very important to take some down time! In the long run, running yourself ragged only puts you behind when you end up getting sick as a result of an exhausted immune system. However, if you eat right and take care of your body... You can get get all your things done AND feel good at the same time.

JokersGirl

Well i am clean again. LOL.

I have a doctors appointment next Tuesday with a psych dr to try to help with my depression/anxiety/adhd. I am going because the counselor suggested it. We have been in marriage counseling for several months. She does not feel my antidepressant is working as it should. She thinks possibly a mood stabilizer should be tried in addition to it because even though i am not bipolar, i have "treatment resistant" depression, since i have been on many antidepressants without much relief. She also thinks my ADHD med is not maybe helping as it should, but i actually think it might if i was not so depressed. She also thinks i have anxiety, but i am extremely hesitant to take antianxiety meds because they make me tired. I took Xanax and Klonopin before, but i dont like them other than if i would need to sleep and be unable to. I could not possibly take these meds in the day time and be able to work.

The counselor also said i need to take two days off every week. I am having a lot of trouble because i work a lot and am real busy and i get sick frequently. I will often have a cold, a sinus or respiratory infection, stomach or respiratory flu, or some other thing. The doctor says my immunity is shot. I also have a lot of pain because i have torn out my ACL in one knee and meniscus in the other, so walking is painful, and i have a lot of pain with one shoulder. I try to use a lot of stuff like icy hot and i take a lot of aleve. It helps some but at times i cannot sleep due to it.

I am hoping the psychiatrist can help me, i am so tired of feeling so sad and hopeless and having many aches and pains for a 40 yr old. I need to get surgery but i feel i cannot possibly take time off for it....in fact i have needed knee surgery for the past 4 years and have neglected it. The only reason i had my hysterectomy was because they thought i had ovarian cancer....it turned out to not be. I have not had much down time in my life, i have always worked and worked and worked....I am always doing a lot of hard physical labor. Of course as an RN i do not do extremely physically hard work, but i am always running around and busy. But at our business, and at home, i lift more than i should, and just generally do things that a female of average build should probably not be doing. It seems in the last 10 years my body has really gotten in worse shape and i have many aches and pains and messed up things.

But i am clean again, so that is good. Of course i could not throw out the blow, because i just COULDN'T, even though i knew i SHOULD. But it is gone now, and has been for a week, so maybe happier days are coming. Even though i couldnt bring myself to pitch it, which i know is bad....when it was gone i didnt want any more. I used to crave drugs, and when i was about out or was out, i would freak out and be trying to get more. I didnt even care. I didnt even want it. I dont know why i did it, it wasnt even fun. It was pathetic. But i COULDN'T waste it. So i did it, without really even knowing why or wanting it. It was stupid and i hated myself for doing it. It is actually a relief to have it over with. Im so tired of stupid things.

likehappiness

Jokersgirl,

Wow you wore me out just thinking about what your wrote. You seriously need to take some time for yourself. I think the burn out you are sufferring is really starting to show. Before you kill yourself with drugs....I think you need to quit killing yourself with too much work. It's time to take time off and make yourself well and I would make it soon. It's time to ask for some help and hopefully get moving in the right direction.

JokersGirl

Went to Dr yesterday and got my knee injected with cortisone and something for pain. It feels better the more i can stay off it. I tried to go to work yesterday and couldnt stand on it, i was afraid i was going to fall so i went in and they drained fluid off it and injected it with cortisone and a numbing medicine. Amazingly it didnt hurt nearly what i thought it would. I had heard it was extremely painful but to be honest i did not find it so.

I took the rest of the day off and also today so hopefully by monday i will be back to normal. I felt bad and tried to get up and do stuff but my knee reminded me that was not a good idea. If i do not work it too much i do not really seem to need anything for pain, as long as i am careful. I took a pain med yesterday prior to my appointment and almost threw up at the dr so they gave me different ones. But as long as i am careful i havent needed anything other than an ibuprofen this morning.

it is such a beautiful day here i wish i felt better and was not hurting and could enjoy it more it would be so nice to go for a walk today. But at least i am not at work standing on concrete and feeling like there is broken glass grinding inside my knee. im trying to be thankful for this and for the rest i got today. I slept almost 10 hours. I was so tired. I also paid off my Harley today and am quite excited about this.