struggles79

Been clean since Dec.17/2011. Was using Vicodins 750 5-8 a day for a few months and then I quit on Dec.17/2011. Lately things have been ok some days are bad some are good which most of you can relate to but I guess it all started on Saturday.

I got hit with an intense migraine and before you know it I was sitting in the Doctors office waiting to see her. I wasn't going to ask her for vics or maybe I was , idk anyways I left without seeing the doctor. But again today I just couldn't function, I was so close to going back there. I feel like no one understands me. I tell people I'm depressed and they say 'Hey you're alive right?' or 'You dont have a disease'. It's like only people that are terminally ill allowed to be unhappy?

Being clean for a month or so has made me realize that I was just making my problems with the pills. Got into a huge fight with my parents today cause I told her that I'm depressed and she couldn't understand the concept. She knows I went through the whole vicodin thing as I came clean with my mom. I guess all I wanted to hear from her was that everything will be ok but it turns into a religious thing about God. How I should ask him for help.

Well I'm sorry I tried that 6 years ago and I feel like I'm in an endless loop just a different problem but the same outcome. I feel like this is the only place that anyone understands what it feels like to be like this. Some people think we chose this and we deserve what we get, I don't. Alot of us didn't chose to make this problem for ourselves but it happened. I'm sure all of us knowing what we know now could go back and talk to ourselves we say to never take that pill but that's not possible.

I been thinking today 'At least I was happy when I was taking pills' and I know that's wrong but at some level I was happy or too oblivious to the world to care about what was going on. I don't what my point is, I just needed to get that out there cause I feel like I'm being spread too thin. thanks for listening

Dees

Hi Struggles. I definitely understand the depression thing. I was depressed my whole life. When I was 10, my dad said I was depressed because my mom died. When I was 15, my dad said it was because I was a teenager. When I was 19, my dad said I was depressed because I was so stressed out about college. Etc, etc. When I was 23, I tried to hurt myself because I realized that I was always going to be depressed. I found a therapist who put me on anti-depressants. When I told my dad this, he said "You're depressed because you are happier that way."

People who have never been depressed don't understand it. I still struggle with depression and my husband does not understand it at all.

I just want to let you know - It's okay to not be able to "think" your way out of this. Depression is very real and it is very debilitating. My advice to you - go see someone and get some help. You cannot just wish your way out of depression.

I also think that part of my addiction was/is due to my depression. With a pill, I could feel better than I had in most of my life. But, we all know where that addiction leads.

Anyways, I hope you talk to someone who can help you (therapist and/or doctor). And understand that we CANNOT just think our way out of this depression. We cannot just wish to be happy. It doesn't work that way.

Dees

strugglerf

I too struggle with depression in the form of anxiety & am a recovering addict. Those 2 things can coexist. I went to a mental health clinic about a year ago & had counceling& got the right medication - which is so important. I have been 24 days now in recovery & surprise - my anti-anxiety meds are now working asthey are designed to work. Seek medical help from a good mental health doc that specializes in these disorders. They will understand & a good doc will never dismiss your feelings or concerns. These arereal disorders, as real as diabetes or heart disease & should be treated as such. Good luck, & God Bless!

IvanKatz

Struggles -
The greatest lie ever told is about to unfold on you.
Let me explain - I have been on this roller coaster enough to know that your brain is full of Sh!$ a month or two out from W/D.
Addict brain tells you, "Hey, No problem now! Let's take a couple because now we can control it".
Sorry Struggles, that's when the big lie comes into effect

AEIOU

I think that sometimes we romanticize our past use - that we were 'happier' then...but if we were happier, why did we get to a point where we felt that we needed to stop or quit? I have to remind myself that from time to time even at 117 days out. Then I remember, I wasn't happier then, I got to a point where I became pretty depressed ON my DOC and I knew that I had to stop in order to get out of that depression.

At a month out, I wanted to feel better than I did, I was still pretty depressed - but from there, things began looking up. I began taking interest in things again, found things funny again, etc. Don't get me wrong, it isn't all snips and snails and puppy dog tails but it is much, much better than it was when I was on the Oxy.

I agree that depression is real - I have chronic pain so I take Cymbalta - an anti-depressant for chronic pain - it doesn't work for all but it does for me. It makes my life easier and I am all about not making things more difficult than they have to be.

My best to you during this difficult time...

NoWhereGirl

Depression and opiates... they seem to go hand in hand. The opiates made my depression better but in the long run everything else worse. My doctor told me people with depression often end up abusing opiates because it fills some need in the brain which explained my situation perfectly and why it was so hard to stop, fearing the depression might return, now I read about PAWS and all that. I plod on, hoping it's temporary as my body re-adjusts itself. It's hard though, I know what you mean and fight that battle still as it's early in my recovery so I feel for you. It's a struggle doing the right best thing for me sometimes, but I also know the other route was far worse and not going to get better.

I'm still trying to find the right med for depression though; have been through a few that didn't work or had unpleasant side effects. Most recently -and I'm not sure I believe this or whether they're just saying it so I'll take the stuff - my doctor told me suboxone may also help with my depression. Not yet anyway. As today I haven't taken anything in 2 days and on the suboxone. Yesterday I was ok, today I'm rather out of it; headachey and tired which I'm reading is a normal side effect but not how long it might last so I'm about to call them and ask. It could be worse though, and has been on the other side of the fence so I'm hoping this part is temporary. Right now it's just not helping the depression so I'm trying to be kind to myself and hunker down until it passes. Work might just have to understand I'm not well today and hope to bounce back to it tomorrow. (They don't know I'm dealing with this but do know I get migraines which I also had earlier but is waning now, thankfully!)

Hang in there. I can only say it helps to talk to someone if you can- lots of folks here certainly understand for starters, and see what resources you might be able to use for help. I've heard it can and does get better. I'm still working to get there too.

lostgirl25

What a bummer. IvanKatz gave you the truth. Read it again and again until it fills your brain. Depression is something I've had to deal with off and on since getting clean 4 months ago. The upside is the depression is temporary and we can get past it. Sorry about the migraine. You are doing great hanging onto your clean time. Tomorrow is another day and I'm hear to tell you things were not better on the pills. The pills have changed your brain chemistry and it is still healing itself. Hang on and stay strong. You can do this.

struggles79

Well i went to my doctor and told them the truth. Told him I was abusing the vicodin and about my migraine headaches and how I'm depressed and I've tried to talk to counselors and what not. He prescribed me tylenol 3 w/codeine for the migraines. It says to take it 3 times a day, I took one today and I plan to use it only when I get those headaches. I know if I make it a daily thing I'll be back where I started. I don't if that means I relapsed or w/e but the pain from my headaches is too much and it's probable also from me being depressed and stressed out. He also prescribed my fluoxentine(prozac) for the depression but I'm afraid to take it. It's funny how I'm not afraid to take something like vicodin but a pill that might help my condition I'm afraid of. I was honest with him and told him that I was addicted to vicodin and don;t want to go through that again. I'm sure if I would of asked him I could of got more but that's a path I don't want to take. Even with the tylenol 3 I know I could end up abusing but I feel like I've been through enough to know how to control myself .I've tried everything else for my headaches and nothing works. Hopefully when I start taking the depression pills after a few weeks things will look better. I think when I was recovering I didn't make an honest attempt. I just tried to stay clean through sheer willpower alone. I didn't change my lifestyle at all. I'm going to try to do that now cause I think that's a big part of the problem. I'm doing the same things and expecting a different result. Thanks all for ur comments.

IvanKatz

Struggles, you've made your first major step towards recovery. I tell everyone who who goes through this... SEE YOUR DOCTOR FIRST... Doctors are there for a reason, we're here for another.
I'm so happy you went. I'm so happy you are trying.

Congrads!

struggles79

Thanks IvanKatz, I tried to do it on my own and thats part of the problem I think. I'm lucky cause I like my Doctor and he'll sit and talk with my about personal issues to. It's not his fault I got addicted to vicodins cause I lied to him and I guess I also needed to tell him that and get it off my chest. I'm not afraid I'll get addicted to the tylenol 3 cause I took one like an hour ago and all it did was get rid of my headache and make me a bit sleepy. It's nothing like the rush I used to get from vicodins. As long as I don't take them daily and only as needed I think I should be fine.

IvanKatz

And there you go again, taking responsibility for your own actions... You're on the right track.

struggles79

I think I have a problem now, I think i'm hooked on the codeine now. I finished my orginal prescription and went clean for 3 days and today I got a large refill amount. I've been taking the Prozac for the last 3 days and it seemed to be working. I didn't feel as much OCD but my goal was to stay clean this new year and so far this year has been a complete mess. Is it too late to try again? What should I do?

I feel like no one supports me. I tell my mom that the doctor prescribed me prozac and she just says it's all in your head and you don't need that. It's like I get no support from people that are supposed to support me. I think that's why I got the refill of codeine. I figured if someone elses doesnt care then why should I? If that makes sense...

NoWhereGirl

It makes sense and know that WE care and it's never too late to try again, until it is - in the sense if you're not longer around TO try. If nothing else, just try to take that first baby step no matter what it is and know it's ok, we all fall down and have to pick ourselves back up. I've done it many times. Sometimes there is no one else to do it for us and it's a long dark scary road, but there are others out there walking down it with you, you just can't see them right now but we're here, there and everywhere fighting our own battles just like you are. It's the beating ourselves up at the same time that makes it that much more difficult when we should be kind to ourselves during these struggles, and it's not necessary or beneficial to be our own worst enemy. Life is hard enough without that so prop yourself up for the things you DO do, not what you don't, even the little tiny things like just reaching out here! Be as kind to yourself as you would anyone else going through this, and just keep trying. I guess I figure as long as I'm still around to try and keep getting up after I fall then I haven't entirely failed yet and there is always hope.

Tomorrow is a new day, you get a do-over. You can try again!

Always remember that you're in good company here and there is almost always someone at any given time who will understand or be able to empathize with what you're dealing with, and if nothing else, just to listen! I for one, know what it's like to have a parent not understand something like depression especially. My mother is the same way - "just get over it, it's not THAT bad...." bla bla bla... my father and I are estranged because he does not understand how badly depression can affect a life, and never makes allowances or understands that somtimes, a lot of times, I simply can't be or do what he expects because of the depression and I need help, more than he's giving. I mean, just getting out of bed is difficult on some days much less all the family requirements he has. Right now I think I'm better off not dealing with all that while I try to heal, to be perfectly honest.

And for mom....sorry mom but sometimes (who am I kidding? many, many times) it IS that hard and NOT that easy and you can't just "get over it." I want that magic get-over-it wand, believe me! I had to keep my antidepressants a secret from her for years and still do when I go back on them. She believes they are Bad Drugs and cause more problems than they resolve. I laugh, because she doesn't know what Bad Drugs really are then (and god only know what she'd think if she knew the rest of the story...) I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for certain antidepressants at certain times in my life. She's at least a bit more relaxed with her expectations, though, because she's seen the damage of handling it the opposite way. Denial and simply expecting and wishing things were different won't change anything, it just makes it worse (and then wonder why we have no relationship?! Try to help, not hinder!)

Sometimes we all need help, and I wish others who think it's so easy would realize needing help is not a failure, not a weakness and not a fault. It's a condition, and depression can often be a biological problem that cannot be resolved by sheer willpower alone so hang in there because it can and does get better. Just give it some time and keep posting, lots of support and understanding to be had around here. *hugs*

KuanYin

Struggles79: Then maybe just don't tell your mom. Depression and opiate addiction go hand and hand. And the migraines will come back, only worse, when the opiates/codeine gets out of your system. That's why it's not a good idea to use narcotics to treat migraines because they simply cause rebound headaches. Have you tried the sumatripan-class medications, like Imitrex? They are miracle-working for migraine sufferers, I know because I've had them for years, and Imitrex will knock out a migraine in about 15 to 30 minutes, and it's not narcotic.

Prozac is a very, very good medication. I was on it for about 8 years and I credit that medicine for literally helping me change my life. It took it about 3 or 4 weeks to kick in, but when it did, I started to feel alive. There's a lot of people out there who have preconceived notions about anti-depressant medications. Um, I'd say ignorant people. Therefore, I learned the hard way to just keep my mouth shut about what medication I was taking That was between my doctor and me.

It's never too late to make changes in our lives, regardless of how many time we stumble and fall, as long as we're willing to pick ourselves back up. We can't lie there and wait for someone to come along and offer a helping hand because we might get run over by a Mack truck in the meantime, so we gotta just do it. Hop up, brush off the dust, and move on a step at a time.

macknacat

re the 'mom thing' hee hee i was a few yrs clean and had finally filed [and paid] my income taxes. Home group [NA] gave me an ovation. When i told mom she was like : "What? Honey we ALL pay our taxes... " yeah , they Do Not Get It.. [and yes, a while later I understood how important it was for me to understand that , yes, all i am really doing is learning to act like a grown up - so STFU and don't expect a parade every time i do a grown up thing]

BTW, have you thought of going to NA? lots of those groups have experience in exactly what you are going thru. For me , it was a huge relief to find some understanding and support. Took me a few weeks [i'm a slow learner] but i DID eventually call another addict in recovery when i was up against some weirdness in my life - like nearly every day!

likehappiness

Struggles. I know your pain. I too have depression. I went back on my anti-depressants when I cold turkey'd over a year ago. They do help.

However....I have migraine headaches and I just this past week had one for over two weeks. I didn't think I would get any help cause my doctor knows that I'm and addict cause I specifially told them not to give me opiates. So I was worried I would never get rid of the headache. Needless to say I received a nasal spray of Tordol which is a good pain reliever and NOT an opiate. It really helped. I don't even take Fiorenal cause it has codiene in it cause I am afriad of going through withdrawal again.
The spray is called Sprix and honestly it does have a burn to it but it works great. I can deal with the slight burn for the the pain relief without opiates.