kimmybbbyeah

Hey everyone,
I've just joined this site and this is my first post. I'm not sure if this is the right place for me, as I am not sober. I've been addicted to vicodin for about six years. When I started, my use was intermittent, and it's been every day for the last 2 or 3 years. I never exceed 8 tablets a day, as although I love the feeling, I don't want to overwhelm my liver. Many people have told me that this number of pills hardly qualifies as a problem, but I disagree. These pills have affected every aspect of my life, as well as affecting the people I love. I have never been in trouble with the law, and when I'm using, I isolate myself in my room. I also never use during the days I work, but wait until I get home at night. Often times, I'll stay up into the early hours of the morning so I can get at least two or three doses in before going to bed. I've missed a lot of work lately because I just want to stay home and take my pills. Of course I don't even get high anymore, but I guess I feel at my best when I'm on them.
I've made several attempts to get help, though none of them seem to have panned out. My doctor denied I have a problem, and after my insistence he basically said, "Well, just stop taking them then," I self referred myself to a confidential drug program, however the waiting list was very long, and most spots were given to people who had been mandated by the law to go. I live in a small town, and have called all three addiction centers in the closest city to me, and they all say the waiting list is at least six months. I hired a therapist, and she told me she couldn't help me and I needed a drug therapist, however could not give me any names.
I feel stuck, and I don't feel like this is something I can conquer on my own. When I have stopped taking the pills in the past, the only physical withdrawal I experienced was the shakes and diarrehea. The killer is the cravings and emotional roller coaster. My question to you: what's next? I feel that NA meetings or a drug therapist may not be the best option for me now, as I don't think I have the will power to not buy any pills. I think going to a treatment center where I am away from the dealers and can have 24 hour help trying to kick this is the best solution. However, I can't seem to get the help I need.

Pandie

Hi Kimmy,

Welcome to SR. This is a very welcoming community. I'm struggling with how to handle things too. My problem is I get a certain number of pills from my doctor once a month, and I go through them in 3-4 days... a binge.... then I just deal with some pain until I can get them again :/. I have learned so much here, and there is a lot of love and acceptance here. My insurance doesn't cover rehab or I'd admit myself. I recently called a psych hospital that has a floor dedicated to addiction, but they only take people in active detox (vomiting, diarrhea, etc. ) and I never have experienced that. I just binge, feel like crap the day after then go back to my "normal" life until next month.

Impurrfect

(((kimmy))) - Welcome to SR! You're definitely in the right place. People come here already clean, others aren't there yet but want to be, and others just aren't sure if they want to or if they're problem is really "that bad" to do something about.

There are a slew of people here who know opiate addiction very well. My DOC (drug of choice) was crack, but did abuse opiates for a while. I've found that no matter what our DOC is, we experience a lot of the same things, and it's like we're one big family.

So, welcome to the family

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

keltie

How frustrating that you've tried to reach out for help only to be told that "you don't have a problem." Your story is very similar to mine. However, my doctor believes I do have a problem and is totally on board with me going to NA and seeing a therapist. I do both of those things. My vicodin usage was the same as yours. Sometimes when I'm in NA I do feel "out of place" bc most people who used opiates were much more severe than me, but I just figure that's my addiction trying to say "you don't belong here..."

Just for the record, I joined NA about a month before I quit anything. The only qualification to join is "the desire to stop using."

kimmybbbyeah

Thanks everyone. Keltie, I have gone to a few NA meetings, and they didn't do anything for me. I firmly believe that NA meetings are for AFTER rehab. They are more of a support for after detox and the first stages of intense treatment. I believe the most effective way to quit is to have that 24 hour supervision and guidance for the first few weeks...but looks like that is not in the cards for me.

Shining~Again

^interesting view.
A lot of people go for many reasons other than help after getting clean.
But that's just my opinion - take it what ya need, trash the rest.

Whatever works for YOU is at stake here. 24/7 supervision....umm...
After reading over your first post from Feb 2nd, I see this:
Doctor non-supportive. Doesn't feel you have a problem. Gotta wonder where his head is at? 8 pills - even at the lowest dose of 5mg, it's still 40. If they're 10's, that's 80. I don't much buy into the amount being much of a difference when it comes to detoxing but I definitely see a pattern of lifestyle changes being much harder at higher doses.
Therapist can't/won't help and cannot even give you a referral to a drug therapist. That's incredibly ..just...argh. Is she somehow exempt from the code of therapists??

You can't be accepted into a program due to....Mmm...others with more severe problems are first and then there's the problem of a 6 month waiting list. Yeah, that bit makes total sense to me.

I guess if NA isn't an option for you then - you've got a problem with the kind of support you're looking for. NA people will and do form a bandwagon around people to have that 24/7 help.

So!
If I'm managed to read it all correctly, the best I've got is to do what heaps of other people have done: Use SR as the 24/7 support.
Someone is always around.
Another thing - change your routine. I had to (another issue/many years ago) change everything I did after work and on the weekends. From grocery shopping, to eating out, to even where I got my takeout, my internet interests, when I cleaned, I didn't even speak on the phone socially to anyone for a couple months as the phone was huge trigger.
Then again, everything was.

^most I've written in a long time - I hope there's something in there to help you.
Been where you are, in a way.
Don't underestimate the amount of help you can get here on these forums. It's
a lifeline sitting right in front of you. You just need to reach out and ask for whatever
you need for the moment.

my best to you

NoWhereGirl

Hello and welcome! You're in the right place. I wasn't clean when I joined either so don't worry. I'd been trying to taper opiates on my own which didn't work, just like it didn't the last few times I tried. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time getting help though; that's incredibly maddening and unbelievable. I was lucky enough to be referred to an addiction specialist who accepted me after I was completely honest with myself and everyone else about my problem. The specialist put me on Suboxone and I've been off the opiates five days now. Which does't seem that long but honestly, not too long ago I didn't think I'd make it even this far! It gets easier every day.

I'm grateful to have the support of my husband and this wonderful community of caring, accepting and understanding folks because I don't have anyone else; not my friends, not my family, not my work. Like you, I got to the point I was only taking to function and not get sick. I haven't done NA and not planning to unless the women's group at my doctor's office ends. There are no women's NA groups in my area, and I'm not comfortable going to a mixed group at this time. I also think along the same lines as you about NA which I don't feel is the right option for me yet, but maybe later it will be.

Anyway, welcome, and continue to hang out here, read, post and get involved as needed. It is incredibly helpful, especially for those of us without a lot of support "on the outside" One day at a time as they say (or one hour at a time, if that's all you can manage, five minutes? whatever it takes), because you CAN beat this so hang in there! Use this place as support; it has been and continues to be incredibly helpful for me.

ThatGirl07

I completely understand what you are going thru!! I have a DR who is more than happy to continue giving me all the med I ask for even when it seems to be way too much for 135 pound girl!! I have spoken to my DR and he stated no need to quit until after my back surgery but I can't imagine coming out of surgery and them giving me meds that don't work. I am at around hour 70ish no meds. I have pills left, plenty but I don't want them. Considering flushing them b/c the mental issues and urge to just take one to ease my discomfort is kicking in. I have made up my mind and I am refusing to go back b/c this pain I've been thru would be for nothing. Sticking with it and if u decide to then you have to be mentally prepared for a little neck but it will only be temporary

keltie

I am very impressed with your dedication and strength. Great job, ThatGirl!