ainsley1

When you feel really angry at someone, how do you deal?

I am a very very sensitive person and I get angry over things that wouldn't bother most people. I really don't know how healthy people deal with it-- I can only guess they don't get as upset as I do.

I can't just 'forget it', no matter how stupid it is.

ainsley1

76 views and no responses, ok then.

Yeah, I know I'm being silly.... I made cookies with my babies, now chilling out with hubby, and feeling good about my life.

Guess you just need to put on your big girl panties sometimes....

freethinking

I've been struggling with this a lot lately due to some issues with my family that have popped up. For whatever reason, being on an anti-depressant helped me not ruminate over stuff and quickly shift gears when I recognized I was getting overly mad about something not worth my time. Because I am pregnant now, I cannot take my antidepressant and I have noticed it is very difficult for me to let things go which I should. When I am on an antidepressant, all I have to do is recognize I am ruminating and making myself angry, tell myself to stop, and I stop. It doesn't work that way now.

What helps me is a few things: 1) Walk like a duck, act like a duck - if I start actively putting my energy towards things that I feel a "healthy" person should do (even if I don't mean it), it eventually starts to seep in and i give less power to the stuff that is p*ssing me off 2) Give people the benefit of the doubt and try and think of it from a different perspective 3) learn how to appropriately express your frustration when something happens, so that you don't build up anger later. (this is the hardest)!!

Good luck, I feel you! Knowing you are like this is a big plus as far as I am concerned.

scrambled2012

I'm sorry Ainsley; I tried to respond and wrote quite a bit, but then when I read it over it was too long and not as clear as it needed to be. Yours is a valid question, its just that where i am at the moment makes me not the person with a solid answer.

maybe that applies to more then just me in this case? could be~!

OK, here's a keeper anyway: Don't injure anybody. No guns, knives, large iron pots, or dictionaries over the offender's noggen. how's that for a starting point?

take care and have a good night~~~~

freethinking

Let go of Anger and Bitterness

11. Feel it fully. If you stifle your feelings, they may leak out and affect everyone around you—not just the person who inspired your anger. Before you can let go of any emotion you have to feel it fully.

12. Give yourself a rant window. Let yourself vent for a day before confronting the person who troubled you. This may diffuse the hostility and give you time to plan a rational confrontation.

13. Remind yourself that anger hurts you more than the person who upset you, and visualize it melting away as an act of kindness to yourself.

14. If possible, express your anger to the person who offended you. Communicating how you feel may help you move on. Keep in mind that you can’t control how to offender responds; you can only control how clearly and kindly you express yourself.

15. Take responsibility. Many times when you’re angry, you focus on what someone else did that was wrong—which essentially gives away your power. When you focus on what you could have done better, you often feel empowered and less bitter.

16. Put yourself in the offender’s shoes. We all make mistakes; and odds are you could have easily slipped up just like your husband, father, or friend did. Compassion dissolves anger.

17. Metaphorically throw it away; i.e., jog with a backpack full of tennis balls. After you’ve built up a bit of rush, toss the balls one by one, labeling each as a part of your anger. (You’ll need to retrieve these—litter angers the earth!)

18. Use a stress ball, and express your anger physically and vocally when you use it. Make a scrunched up face or grunt. You may feel silly, but this allows you to actually express what you’re feeling inside.

19. Wear a rubber band on your wrist, and gently flick it when you start obsessing on angry thoughts. This trains your mind to associate that type of persistent negativity with something unpleasant.

20. Remind yourself these are your only three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it. These acts create happiness; holding onto bitterness never does.

ainsley1

Thanks for all the replies.

Regarding antidepressants, I've been on and off them for many years for this very reason, and I've quit them again recently, which is part of the problem... oh well.

Jeans

Hi Ainsley. I must admit I have a similar problem but rather than get angry I get upset easily. Usually because I'm scared of confrontation and I let people walk all over me...and then I get angry with them but just in my head and no one would ever know I felt that way.

I found that talking with a therapist helped me because it ususally stems from something in ur past which has built up.

It takes a lot of work to control negative feelings, I have a lot of sympathy for anyone who has to go tame them, at least u know there's a problem

NYCDoglvr

Addicts are very thin skinned, it's part of our nature. We tend to blow everything out of proportion. Do you have a sponsor? After making a fool of myself several times I found it invaluable to talk to a sponsor or addict about anger before venting. Sometimes it just evaporates when I do that.

Also, whenever there's a problem with someone else it helps to ask myself: what's MY part in this? Perhaps it's letting the wrong people in my life.

ajnaT

ainsley, I have a diabolical anger management problem. Some days my tolerance factor is zero and I isolate myself primarily to protect myself. Extreme irritability is my enemy. Small things really **** me off and here are a few of them:

People with poor grammar. I feel like correcting them.

People with a scarcity mindset. I believe in and aspire to abundance, even though I am broke.

People who talk about money. It's vulgar.

The sight of ugly processed food in a shopping trolley. It leads me to observe the person pushing it. I feel like saying, no wonder you are so fat.

Talking about the weather. eg "hot enough for ya?" Stupid question.

Broad generalisations about the poor. eg we keep dirty homes, we smell, we are poorly educated.

Fat parents with fat kids.

People who view economy as synonymous with 'cheap'.

OK, enough. I have a superiority complex and after being beaten down (as mentioned at length in another thread) it is a defense mechanism to present myself better than most. I am starting to like myself and my therapist is helpful. I had to recognise the self-loathing to realise that is why I loathe some types of people.

I am grateful for being single, childfree and being able to afford to live alone. Being free to make that choice makes me feel great.

I attended two DBT group sessions and found myself surrounded by women with bandaged wrists. During a break I was in a cubicle in the restroom and overheard a convo between two women.

"Look at the way she dresses. I bet she thinks she's cut from a better cloth than the rest of us". I walked out of the cubicle and retorted "Yes. I break wind through silk and you defecate through hessian". I never went back.

This inveterate hatred is exhausting. I am a high-maintenance conceited biotch. It's a lonely life.

ainsley1

Thank you for the replies. Whatever it was I was angry about a few days ago blew over, and I feel OK now. So maybe it wasn't as big a deal as I thought.

Ajna, thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate that. Personalities are so different among people, it's interesting.

neferkamichael

Ainsley, if you figure out some useful technics, please post them, I need help too.

freethinking

LMAO! I love this for some reason.

ainsley1

Well, so far, the best thing I've found is to stay away from the booze (it just doesn't help to be hung over and feeling like crap.)... go running (no kidding, it feels awesome to run when you're pissed!!)... drink water, and most of all, sleep. I think sleep is truly the cure for all problems. Everything seems so much better after a good night's sleep!

I've been pretty pissed about some things in the last few weeks, but the anger seemed to last about two days at the most. Then I'm over it.

As far as the drinking water goes, I don't know why, but I do find I get cranky and irritable if I don't drink at least a couple of glasses of water every day. I also like "Emergen-C" vitamin C powder added to the water. It's like liquid happiness!!

Some people think keeping a journal helps. I haven't done it lately but I plan to start.

And one other thing: it sounds silly but I have forgotten how to cry. I made myself cry the other day and damn, it felt good.

thequest

I think you stated your own answer. '...things that wouldn't bother most people'

You have to figure out why it doesn't bother most people. If YOU have no say or control over a situation why should you be mad at anyone. I always keep looking ahead and/or for a solution to the current problem. If you drop a dish and it breaks your priority should be where is the broom and dust pan rather than looking for additional things to break and curse at. It's not like you can super glue 100 different pieces together. But you can clean up the mess.

Eyebrow

If it is someone I don't have to deal with like a family member I just avoid them.

It depends on how mad they make me.

I am sensitive too, although I am not sure I believe I am oversensitive in that I really believe our soicety as a whole has become quite insensitive to each other.

ClayTheScribe

It helps to know what anger is first. Depression is anger turned inwards. Anger turned outward is often a sign you're getting better, but can become problematic. Anger is a manifestation of fear. Behind every angry or irritable thought you have, there is something about what makes you angry, that makes you afraid. For me, I have traced most of my fears back to fears surrounding death. Often it's just the death of my ego I'm afraid. (What would I do without it?) Managing anger in this respect takes practices. For a lot of us sensitive people we react to our angry thoughts so quickly and with such passion, we don't know what's happened until we've hurt someone or ourselves. I would suggest doing a few things:

--Getting a meditation practice going. Start with 5 minutes a day and ramp it up as you're comfortable. This is often easiest first thing in the morning.
--When an angry thought arises, recognize it and say "Anger." Don't react to it. Then ask, "What about that situation makes me fearful or anxious?" So say someone cuts you off on the freeway, that makes a lot of people angry. Usually the fear is that they almost could've got you in an accident or you could've hit them and gotten a ticket. Take that fear and ask "And then what?" What would it mean if you had gotten a ticket? Take it to it's most ridiculous point until you get to the root fear. Start writing these down if you can. Work on understanding those fears however you can.
--At the same time, find a creative outlet for your anger. You do not have to be talented and no one has to see what you create, but paint, draw, sculpt, write, play music, anything and channel that rage into it. If you play sports or competitive games, use it there, without hurting anyone. Work on channeling that anger into determination for whatever you do it.
--Most importantly know that IT IS OKAY to be angry. Anger is a healthy emotion. I grew up in a household where I was always shutdown when I got angry, whether it was just or not. So I'm still having to do work to realize that anger is not the problem, it's what you do with it.
--The Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh has a great book called Anger:Wisdom for Cooling The Flames. It's very easy to read and he writes for a Western audience.
--Also, forgive yourself after you get angry. Be kind to yourself. But don't let your anger simmer below because there's a good chance it will eventually explode and you'll really regret it.

I hope that helps.

ainsley1

Thank you, that was very helpful. I will read that book you mentioned.

TheGreenHouse

I like this thought, "I am trying to get healthy". For me it is my mental Health. I have never been a drinker or drugs but I eat. Thinking negative thoughts all day long about how big I am. I do not have good boundaries and I seem to cause trouble for myself. After 7 years at the same job I am finally getting my 1st formal disciplinary action. No one makes me break the rules or have a big mouth. It is my fault and it cause my depression to begin to spiral into suicidal thoughts.
Tonight I will begin to think that I am trying to get healthy and get some sleep. I will drink a glass of water and get up early in the morning.

Synrgenova1313

Freethinking,

I like that list you put up. But I noticed that it started on number 11... are there anymore that go with it?

That list sounds like it could be beneficial to me and my anger issues.

Thank You...

NYCDoglvr

Bingo! What alcoholics must learn is that it passes. Everything passes. The secret is not acting out when we're angry. Let it pass. I know, it took me years of practice to get this one down pat.