boogabstell

We have been together 14 years, have a 5 1/2 year old and one on the way in May. We seperated last September bcz he was drinking, using herion, methodone, and writing suicide notes. He went to rehad in Nov for a month and came out with a new attitude. However on Christmas Eve morning 2010 our house burned down while he was in it. He and our dogs made it out safe thank goodness but the house and all 90% of his belongings were gone. He since has been using speed every day but has not drank or used anything else. I have since moved back in with him March of 2011. He received a good amount of $$ from insurance but it is now all gone. We had our rent paid up until September of 2011. So we used some insurance money to pay rent $1900 a month. We dont go out to eat or buy extravagant things however he will buy silly things $100 boat that has no engine or $400 jet ski that doesnt work all that well, $400 quad for our son that has no front brakes. In the meantime he spends $20-$40 a day on his drug of choice. He gets upset because I dont say anything to him and he keeps asking me to help him and go to meetings with him and make him accountable. I feel like he is a grown man and there are people in the AA or NA meetings that can help him much better than I. My mother who lives on the other side of the country is now paying our rent only until June. I do not work, I have applied for numerous of jobs but no response. No I am 6 months pregnant with blood clots in my legs and gestational diabetes. It limits my job search. He states that he is disabled and cannot work. I did all the foot work to get foodstamps, cash aid. He tells me that I need to change my way of thinking and do something. I am so scared that we will be homeless come June. My mom wants us to move out there much cheaper than CA that is for sure. He is opposed and states that he wants to live on a boat he will not live in an apt or homeless shelter when rent is cheaper and you can come and go as you please. I am asking suggestions on what I should do. I am unable to produce a substantial amount of money to survive right now. I have applied for FAFSA and school. I do not want to live on a boat and he knows that, I dont want to be homeless,

IvanKatz

If he is asking for help. I'd say that you're doing better than the other 99% of spouses that can't get their using spouse to quit. Now look, I'm not putting this on you, I'm only saying that the guy is reaching out. What I'd give to have a wife that would have helped me. I took me a looooong time to get myself straight. I'm sure it could have been been much shorter if my my wife would have been there when I needed her most.

boogabstell

How do I help? He is asking me to go to meetings with him. I have tried that but not consistently. While our son is in school I prefer to go to meetings then so we dont have to pay for sitter or have our son listen to adult situations.When I do say alright lets go to a meeting today, 8 times out of 10 he states no thanks I am busy. Busy doing what he has no job and doesnt sleep for days. Wow I am building this resentment out of my own fears. The sad thing is he is much nicer person (unproductive and not healthy) when he is using. Should I be more assertive and ask him every day "did you use today?" instead of me assuming.

IvanKatz

Behavior is the best "tell" there is.

IvanKatz

I agree with Anvil,
Your child is #1 in your life. If your spouse asks for help and then doesn't want it... Then you need to look out for #1. If he wants help and follows through with it then good.

boogabstell

I did leave last september and then came back. He is stating it is illegal to take our kids out of state and he will make sure he brings hell to my life if I do that again. I understand he is hurt and all that has happened in the last year and a half has been tramatic, I am also trying to deal with it. He keeps stating that I need to take responsibility and change. "Do something"! he says all the time and when I ask him what he thinks that I should do or how I should change he states I need to figure it out on my own. Realalistcally it is very unreasonable to live in CA it is way too expensive, no jobs, we literally have no family or friends here. So you ask why dont you move closer to family. Good questions we had the money not too long ago but always made excuses. Our son started Kindergarten this year, we didnt want to pull him out mid way he has also been through a lot. I know that I am playing ostrich a little and putting my head in the sand, but on the other hand what the heck do I do. He is always busy doing something in the garage pulling apart motors/jet ski/quad and trying to put them back together, always bringing home free stuff from craigslist which we absolutely dont need, I am so overwhelmed I can hardly breathe. Right now I am unable to travel long distances due to the blood clots in my left leg. Sorry to vent I am just in need of guidance and tools to use to cope. I really want to be strong for my kids, myself and my other half. I pray for strength everyday.

IvanKatz

Yeah well, one court order UA will will tip the scales....

Hanna

In your shoes I would ask my mother for a bus ticket and go to her place asap.
His ability to drag you into court is going to be limited by his current unwillingness to actually do anything.

I think it's interesting that he's asking you for help, yet failing to offer you any.
I also call BS on anyone that says they need the help of their spouse to stop doing drugs. If that really was the main thing that mattered, the friends and family forums here would probably not exist. Afterall, those forums are filled with loving family members willing to do whatever possible to help.

boogabstell

He states if it was not for him I would have nothing. That I do not contribute. When I left last September I was like a tornado. He was in the pshyce ward for 72 hours and I packed my son and all my belongings up and moved to Oh. I stayed at my moms house and within a month I got a job which I absolutely loved and could have advanced at. I let my heart lead me back to CA and lose my backbone and total sense of self. I do love him a lot but we do not agree on anything. He states he refuses to live in homeless shelter, apt or back East and I refuse to move northern CA and live on a boat with an infant, 6 year old and 2 dogs!

Hanna

You know that isn't true, right?

It is awesome that you have a supportive Mom. Do you consider trying again back at her place? You will need her support when the new baby comes and it sounds doubtful that he's going to provide that.

I understand loving someone, but then you have to take care of yourself and your little ones. He sounds like he's not living in reality.

IvanKatz

I have to agree with Hanna on this one. Like I said earlier, it's one thing to ask for help... and then GET help... But it is entirely another to cry wolf... Addicts don't want to stop until they've hit bottom. Unfortunately, most drag their families down to the bottom on their way there!
Remember, you have support outside your immediate relationship. Use it if you need it!

Tryin2Recover

get out of there asap, his sickness is taking over your mind and will destroy your babies life. Just get up and go.