WordGrrrl

I have almost 25 days clean, and I'm miserable. I got through the hideous physical withdrawal - I thought that was the worst of it. I'd never heard of PAWS until I came here. The past few days, I've been miserable and depressed. I find myself constantly longing for any opiate, and if I had access, I don't know if I could stop myself. I have the insomnia, irritability and other psychological w/d symptoms, just no physical symptoms aside from constant pain.

So, the pain, I'm guessing, my body/brain needs to relearn how to handle it? But the mental cravings are what's torturing me. I dream constantly about every drug I've ever used, not just opiates, and the dreams feel so real. Tell me this gets better - now I see why relapse is the most common end to quit attempts.

struggles79

Hi WordGrrl, it's pretty normal to still be longing for it. I'm almost two months clean and I still long for it. Like today that's all I've been able to think about. But that was just today, other days have been better. For me I'd rather have a day where I'm not 100% and be clean then to take another drug. Sure I toy with the idea of getting more drugs now and then but I've found ways to stop it before I get the snowball effect and things get out of control. I guess what I'm trying to say is yes it will get better if you give it time. There's some days that will suck and some days that will be good but in time there will be more good days then bad. It helps if you write down all the reasons you quit and in your weak moments look over that least because our memory and minds can often deceive us when we least expect. Think about the reason why you quit and if you're willing to go back to the person you were when using when you have those bad days.

Dee74

Hi WordGrrrl

I don't whether it's PAWs or not but, if you haven't read this already, it may help you work it out

PAWS « Digital Dharma

D

WordGrrrl

Thanks for the link, Dee74 - sounds like PAWS to me This sucks - I never got it any other time that I quit. Then again, I was never using as heavily as when I quit this time.

struggles79, thanks - I've had a few days lately that have been more stressful than usual, and I feel like I'm obsessing over where to get something all the time. I'll have to try writing it out - thanks!

crackerboy

Hi Wordgrrl,

Generally speaking, the early phases of PAWS involve symptoms that are roughly the opposite of the drug's effects. Yours are right in line with the syndrome.

It's really tempting to give in, but think of this: you obviously want to quit, and you've been successful so far. If you relapse, you'll have to go through all of the b.s. over again.

I hope you're getting to some meetings and that you have face to face support. This is a wonderful forum, but it's no substitute for human contact.

Keep on keepin' on,

Bill

beyondthesky

I can relate with the dreams. The physical and mental crap I face while I'm awake can be handled (I just practically work myself into a frenzy, or run until I'm exhausted), but once I fall asleep, I'm at the mercy of my brain. The dreams are so intense, and when I wake up, I feel like I've been on a massive binge, and I have a mini heart attack, until I realize that the world's safe, that there are people out there who are just like you and I.

It sucks. I haven't been clean nearly as long as you (my official date is January 13 of this year), plus a mini slip, and it's been a rough few weeks. Just keep dropping by to see all these friendly forum folk. The internet can't be a substitute for human contact, but it's definitely a start.

WordGrrrl

Sadly, I can't get to meetings right now, which really sucks.r

On the GOOD news front, I traded my ibuprofen for Aleve, and am no longer in misery from my various aches and pains! My back, especially my sciatica, is the top reason after endometriosis for me using opiates. When I see my doctor, I'm going to ask him to send me for some scans and whatnot to see just what's up with my back, and see if we can fix things instead of throwing bandaids (pills) at them.

The baby and I are as sick as dogs with a horrible head cold, and my oldest son (the kiddo with severe autism) has been having an epic tantrum period lately. I've had virtually no sleep for 3 days, so I'm really hoping things turn around! I've been feeling down about feeling too lousy to get anything really done around here, but I guess every day that I don't pick up is a good day, right?

NewAttitude

"I guess every day I don't pick up is a good day, right?"

RIGHT!!!

There are times when life hits you from every direction, and during those times, you are a 100% success if you JUST DON'T USE.

Be gentle with yourself, it took a long time to dig yourself into this hole, and it may take a while to get out. JUST DON"T USE!

Some days, that is my only marker for success, and that's OK!

It WILL get better. JUST DON"T USE!

Blessings~~

keltie

Wordgrrl, that is a great idea to see your doctor and get some back scans to see what's really up with your back. I did just that, and found a lot of reasons for my back pain. I'm currently waiting on a referral to the pain management doc, who does non-opiate interventions such as injections, etc. His specialty is also getting people off opiates using suboxone. My doctor says I wasn't taking enough vicodin to need suboxone, and i'm grateful for that, but i have no doubt that if i'd have had access, i would have.

I'm kind of mad that my doctor just gave me pills for years instead of getting an MRI on my back!! If you have sciatica that bad, you may have some nerve damage. Good luck to you- I admire your strength!!

Shining~Again

Definitely get an MRI.
When I was younger and had no insurance I couldn't afford it one of those.
You'd of thought someone/somehow could of helped me out. I was in
traction for a month. My chiropractor was able to see (via xray) and
by feel what was wrong but MRI's show so much more.
Take care, as best you can!
PS - Aleve was my lifeline for years.

neferkamichael

I'm 1 year 6 months sober and miserable, but not as miserable as at 25 days. Almost 5 months off crack and miserable, but not as much as at 25 days. I was a user for 43 years and the last 8 years were the most miserable time in my life. Every day I stay sober I feel a little better than yesterday. I prove to myself every day I am sober that I am better off not using. If you decided to give it all up, you must know that using is a problem for you. Please prevent yourself from gaining access to anything. I am better off not using and so are you Wordgrrrl.