struggling21

ok soo i was at a hosp. for detox and the place was a zoo not only were they giving me so uch blood pressure meds that i fainted but i wasnt even in detox section and missed all counsling!! so after 3 days of subox. treatment i left...wds werent terrible at first (detox started 1/25) then my stupid ass took 3 blues last night felt fine all day and not my wds. feel like ive been usuing so years...how long will this last ?

struggling21

backround: using selling doc. hopping for 2 years in 23yrs old and always been told how talented i am ...never ever believed it...been dependent on some kind of drug for 9 years...selling as well ....im having a hard time makeing new friends and doing things that dont involve drugs..basically bc i dont have an interest if i dont gain...sick right? neverthought id be so heartless but i am..i need help but bc of health insurance...bc i havnt been madated(arrested) or ****** up in a outpatient program i canot go to inpaitent...ughhh

struggling21

p.s.s not very good at talking about myself ughh jeez i feel like i need more mental counsling then ne thing!!

Dee74

Hi Struggling

I haven't got much experience in the things you're talking about, but I wanted to welcome you - you'll find a lot of support here

Have you checked out the Salvation Army - they offer free rehabs in a lot of areas of the US?

The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center: Rehabilitation Program
D

struggling21

thanks alot i really hope so..and no i never did look into i will right after i finish typing this...but in New York ...nothing is free lol

Tryin2Recover

Hi Struggling, welcome to SR. I used to struggle a lot too. I also was 23 when I first sought recovery. I am 28 now and have not used any drug for quite some time. It is a miracle because there was a time in my life I could not go half a day without using. Pills, weed, and heroin were my favorite drugs, but I did them all. Anyways I just wanted to let you know that you arent alone, and you dont ever have to use again either. There is help, you just have to be willing to seek it. Try looking up an NA or AA meeting in your area, that is what allowed me to learn to live life sober. Good luck, keep posting here.

struggling21

hey i was just reading ur thread i love the way you talk about the feelings and cravings im with u there 100% so happy to hear your doing great!! ...thing is ive tried meetings and its like everyone there is mandated and no one cares they sit there..mumble their stories and no one comes up to you to help...after 3 of those i figured thats just not the place for me...i want to go i remember before i had a dope problem i wnet to a meeting to see my friend speak and i was truely moved..i wish i can find a meeting like that....but also..im so affriad to have money in my hand ...and right now im so sick if i had $20 instead of usuing it for gas id go score u know? and as much as my heart hurts to say that... i know its true ..when u talked about the suicide thing...ya kno not wanting to actually do it but not really afraid to die....well thats what i got out of it...i feel that like a boulder on my chest ....and the support i have right now (family girlfriend) makes me feel more comfertable to mess up because i know they will be there...and i would never ever have felt like this years ago..i used to love people and going out people thought i should run for mayor ya know? lol but now i sit in my basement and dope up alone and those r my happiest times..and when ppl tell me to think about that...it doesnt bother me...ugh i just feel like my brain is so sick

Tryin2Recover

Dont give up on the meetings so fast, try another one. This disease will kill you, one of my best friends died this weekend from it and I am coping with her loss. Do whatever it takes to get sober, your life truly depends on it.

struggling21

im sorry for your loss.



but i still feel invinciable... i too have had 3 friends die of OD and my two best friends who got me into this and hustled with me are in jail...for over a year each ....and...yet im not scared...its like i want to help myself...but "my problem isnt that bad" is what my brain keeps telling me and my heart says "who gives a F ... its still wrong" brain"but dont you absolutely looove breaking rules and never getting cuaght?" heart.."i do"

struggling21

ugh im so up and down day 2 since relapse...since it wasnt like 5 months relapse and only a one night stand im feeling physically better been reading posts since i posted 1st post last night can sleep if u paid me to..its so hard to get mentally motivated when u have no money and its 36 degrees outside...tried going out to shoot the pellet ugn and it broke...god truely wants me to fail (not the first sign) never have i believe in a HP until all these random negative things always happen when im trying to recover..ive gotten rid of my cell fone completely so i can not call anyone being the beside my mom and gf all my contacts were....bad ones...so no fone no money cold weather...self torture? maybe so. i guess im just luck my mom is letting me just sit here in my misery becuase if i had to go do something...id cry the entire time.

NewAttitude

Yes, you are lucky indeed to have your Mom sitting there beside you.

My mother died in 1993, and I still miss her so much. I wish she was here with me, especially while kicking oxy. I had no one, no mother, no father, no sisters or brothers to stand by me. I went through withdrawal alone and cold turkey.

God has blessed you, just in that your Mom is there beside you. You should start counting your blessings instead of looking at what you don't have. Write down 10 things you're grateful for & think about those things today. Don't allow negative thoughts to take over, they are poison.

Finally, seek medical help if you still feel unstable. Go to the ER or Salvation Army, but get professional help if you need it. You are worth it. If not, you wouldn't still be here.

Blessings~~

struggling21

my mom being here is a gift and a curse she is a alcoholic so in the a.m. shes alot of help but p.m. is a nightmare so i lock myself in the basement ..backstory she drank so much i left when i was 14 i couldnt handle living taking care of her at 14 ...bc of my failures for the past 3 weeks im back at home...bc she promised me she had stopped drinking..lies should have known. bbut i have no where else to go except the wrong places...i med. insurance is still pending so getting help irght now is not working...i have sent messages to friend who has 12 yrs clean but i feel like i am burdening her..she said message me for help but she hardly answers ...i have no car so aa and na it gunna be hard....also im still hotn cold mostly cold and i absolutely do not want to go outside...didnt sleep for more then 20 mins las night ....its hard to think of things im greatful for..i guess my mom more so the man who put the roof overher/our head bc with outhim im sure wed still be homeless(longstory was homeless ages 2-5) other then that id say my gf and her strength but also im have been soo emotionally withdrwan shes even told me she looks at me as a friend..and that killed me...and made me feel good at the same time because i dont need to try to feel "love" ne more bc shes accepted it snot happening..ugh whata mess...

struggling21

ive tried accupuncter before for my back pain and cigarettes so maybe i can look into that but the money is the issue....nad also i already have been discharged from the navy i was in delayed entry programs 2 weeks aaways from bootcamp and didnt go to a meeting..bc it was in NY i was living in CT and i didnt have a way to get there ..so military is out. im trying to go to school but i cxant get full financial aid until june (when i turn 24) i want to be a cop but i dont think ill make it not with this **** in my med. record. so im ****** pretty much i dont really know what my interests r ne more sports...but when your 23 its hard to find a team in ur age group . well im sweating my a$$ off so im gunna go lay down thanks for the help tho