shaun00 step 5.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
shaun00 step 5.
Got to say, i was only too happy to meet with a closed mouthed buddy to discuss this with....my current sponsor, whom i would call a BB guy.
I haven't been feeling great about it....some areas (weak items) where pretty stark and the patterns of behaviour around some of my personal/sex relations where very clear to see.....my sponsor was only too happy to help those areas become even clearer lol.
30- ish fears and 18- defects of characters defect.....but more importantly the patterns repeated over and over...
Clear to see .....totally blocked from the spirit......i was the manager.
It appears i was fearful of most things and situations but projected an image of being fearless....the book tells me im in the world to "play the role he assigns" rather than play the role i "think" i should.
I have to say.......at the end i was relieved....finally the answers to why i felt so terrible inside and so much of a loose canon where clear to see.
PLUS..i can now see clearly what i need to be doing.....pretty much everything i wasn't......it was a fact finding mission and delivered the facts...and it was a HUGELY positive thing.....i went from feeling sick at myself.....to a huge over -whelming desire to get rid of that clutter that blocks me from the spirit .
step 4 took 9ish hours...step 5 took 3 hours.
I haven't been feeling great about it....some areas (weak items) where pretty stark and the patterns of behaviour around some of my personal/sex relations where very clear to see.....my sponsor was only too happy to help those areas become even clearer lol.
30- ish fears and 18- defects of characters defect.....but more importantly the patterns repeated over and over...
Clear to see .....totally blocked from the spirit......i was the manager.
It appears i was fearful of most things and situations but projected an image of being fearless....the book tells me im in the world to "play the role he assigns" rather than play the role i "think" i should.
I have to say.......at the end i was relieved....finally the answers to why i felt so terrible inside and so much of a loose canon where clear to see.
PLUS..i can now see clearly what i need to be doing.....pretty much everything i wasn't......it was a fact finding mission and delivered the facts...and it was a HUGELY positive thing.....i went from feeling sick at myself.....to a huge over -whelming desire to get rid of that clutter that blocks me from the spirit .
step 4 took 9ish hours...step 5 took 3 hours.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Fear is one of those "exact natures" that I absolutely could not see in my first couple inventories. Too delusional and in denial I suppose. I TOTALLY get how it could/chould be classed with stealing. Sensitivity, selfishness and approval needs are some other "biggies" for me.
A friend of mine said, and it really stuck with me since very early in my recovery, "The 'yets' I'm not even trying to deal with......when all these 'agains' are kicking my a$$."
I dunno why I'm surprised to see em, but it's usually a lot of the same root causes (exact natures) that show up on all of my inventories - perhaps manifesting in new ways (usually more devious). A solid inventory really drives home the second half of step 1, my 2nd step decision about what God is, plus the requirement to and the decision in the 3rd step.
I always thought the steps were 1 then 2 then 3 then 4........ My early inventories showed me how interconnected they all are, how "circular" they are.
A friend of mine said, and it really stuck with me since very early in my recovery, "The 'yets' I'm not even trying to deal with......when all these 'agains' are kicking my a$$."
I dunno why I'm surprised to see em, but it's usually a lot of the same root causes (exact natures) that show up on all of my inventories - perhaps manifesting in new ways (usually more devious). A solid inventory really drives home the second half of step 1, my 2nd step decision about what God is, plus the requirement to and the decision in the 3rd step.
I always thought the steps were 1 then 2 then 3 then 4........ My early inventories showed me how interconnected they all are, how "circular" they are.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I've got 2 guys who are about to finish up inventory (well, one is anyway.....the other, he's kinda working it "his way" it seems - gee, I wonder where that will take him? lol).
Anyway, I've got 1 or 2 5th steps to listen to.
What a responsibility, gift, honor.....and what an opportunity for my own humility and an opportunity for my own ego to get deflated just a bit more. Each time I hear someone else doing one of those things that "only someone as special as me could have done" it knocks me down a few pegs - lol. It's good though...and necessary - cuz I suck at trying to deflate my own ego most of the time.
It's also a good time for me to lean on God a little extra cuz I NEED those "just right words" and I don't trust myself to come up with them at just the right time. I need some divine intervention to get those sorts of words.
I'm also considering doing, for myself, multiple 5th steps with the next inventory I write about - which is looking to be a fear inventory (possibly JUST a fear inventory as the few resentments I'm awake to {for now} are toward me and rooted in fear). My sponsor is a great guy but I think it might be good to hear some other takes on it as well. ......dunno......still thinking about it and praying about it.
Anyway, I've got 1 or 2 5th steps to listen to.
What a responsibility, gift, honor.....and what an opportunity for my own humility and an opportunity for my own ego to get deflated just a bit more. Each time I hear someone else doing one of those things that "only someone as special as me could have done" it knocks me down a few pegs - lol. It's good though...and necessary - cuz I suck at trying to deflate my own ego most of the time.
It's also a good time for me to lean on God a little extra cuz I NEED those "just right words" and I don't trust myself to come up with them at just the right time. I need some divine intervention to get those sorts of words.
I'm also considering doing, for myself, multiple 5th steps with the next inventory I write about - which is looking to be a fear inventory (possibly JUST a fear inventory as the few resentments I'm awake to {for now} are toward me and rooted in fear). My sponsor is a great guy but I think it might be good to hear some other takes on it as well. ......dunno......still thinking about it and praying about it.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Well, I guess I'll just keep flapping my gums in this thread.....(or my fingers, as the case is). 
"Admitted......the exact nature of our wrongs"
My ego will barely let me admit it took me almost 4 years to understand what that means. Simply put, it's column 4 stuff. Now though, when I do 5th steps, I try to see what it is in me, my attitude, my thinking, my manner of living, my actions, etc that led to me exercising that defect of character. Though I hate to use the term.....I look for the "trigger" that caused/forced/scared or convinced me it was OK to exercise the defect of character.
Surprisingly, many of my exact natures are good things..... like wanting to be loved and accepted, being sensitive, being sympathetic/empathetic (perhaps overly so), and so on. While most of these will be rooted in selfishness, self centeredness, fear and dishonesty........I'm not sure they ALL are (not 100% of the time anyway.......but maybe I just haven't woken up enough in this area yet). To me it makes sense though, that if some of my defects are triggered by "good" qualites, that this is why not all of my defects will be removed.......because to take them away would require losing some good stuff - good stuff that I'm supposed to have. Things like "being sensitive" or "wanting to be loved" come to mind. Basic human traits.....and healthy ones at that.......but both can lead me to firing off or acting upon some defects in the blink of an eye - almost without a conscious thought about it. This has been REALLY good stuff for me to see in my inventory - to learn about myself.
"Admitted......the exact nature of our wrongs"
My ego will barely let me admit it took me almost 4 years to understand what that means. Simply put, it's column 4 stuff. Now though, when I do 5th steps, I try to see what it is in me, my attitude, my thinking, my manner of living, my actions, etc that led to me exercising that defect of character. Though I hate to use the term.....I look for the "trigger" that caused/forced/scared or convinced me it was OK to exercise the defect of character.
Surprisingly, many of my exact natures are good things..... like wanting to be loved and accepted, being sensitive, being sympathetic/empathetic (perhaps overly so), and so on. While most of these will be rooted in selfishness, self centeredness, fear and dishonesty........I'm not sure they ALL are (not 100% of the time anyway.......but maybe I just haven't woken up enough in this area yet). To me it makes sense though, that if some of my defects are triggered by "good" qualites, that this is why not all of my defects will be removed.......because to take them away would require losing some good stuff - good stuff that I'm supposed to have. Things like "being sensitive" or "wanting to be loved" come to mind. Basic human traits.....and healthy ones at that.......but both can lead me to firing off or acting upon some defects in the blink of an eye - almost without a conscious thought about it. This has been REALLY good stuff for me to see in my inventory - to learn about myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
..........did someone mention "trigger"...lmao.Not sure where your coming from mike......i asked god to take all of me...the good and the bad......in 6
4s fact finding, has given me some mental knowledge of my liabilities....BUT can i totally trust myself to make a decision of what's good and bad ?...
Since i haven't at this point recovered from a hopeless mind ?..........the mind that still runs on self will.....
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
That decision (what is good and what is bad and what needs to be taken) is up to our Higher Power, I was told. Not my choice.
I ask on a daily basis. Anything I'm holding onto may not be taken so easily. And, no, I don't have long term sobriety, just saying!
I may not be able to completely identify my defects at the moment, but I can be aware of my reactions and habits. Those I can change now (at least begin to change them).
Thanks for the discussion!!
I ask on a daily basis. Anything I'm holding onto may not be taken so easily. And, no, I don't have long term sobriety, just saying!
I may not be able to completely identify my defects at the moment, but I can be aware of my reactions and habits. Those I can change now (at least begin to change them).
Thanks for the discussion!!
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