Ryegrizzle

I often wonder if one day I will make peace with my demons and stop waging these wars on my body. I want to make a change but. I always find myself right back at the pharmacy. Its a vicious cycle that i cant resist. I take the devil by the hand and push myself farther away from the freedom I dream of. I will eventually lose all the people who try so hard to help me come back. I feel I am to far gone at times and I am desperately seeking something I can't put into words. I'm not selfish I will give and give I take good care of my beautiful kids they never have went without to feed my addiction. I am thankful for that. The only downside is they are watching me fade away I write all this so I can remember how lost I was when I finally do find my way back home. Maybe the courage will come like a thief in the night and I can begin to burn for what I've done.by burning I mean cleansing, a cleansing that will take many months to restore my inner soul. I know it needs to be done but yet I run from it. Maybe soon I will have the courage of so many before me. I really love these pills. It's gonna be the greatest sacrifice ill ever make

ryan1983

I feel your pain, pills are my thing, I can't imagine living without them, I feel like they get me through the day, like I need them. Read as much as you can on this site and you will see that you can find a way without them, no matter how deep of a hole you have dug yourself you can get out, and when you don't think you can do it someone will be there to give you a hand, but you have to ask. There a lot of good people on this site that want to help you, and they have been exactly where you have been and felt the same spiritual struggle that you are feeling right now. You said at the end that it will be the biggest sacrifice you ever make, I disagree, it will be the biggest burden ever lifted from you, you are sacrificing your life for these pills, it is your life don't let pills own it. I am in the same struggle as you are, I am realizing now that I have to make some huge sacrifices to live my life without pills, it's the scariest thing that I have ever done, but I am going to do my best to change my life, I hope you do too, best of luck to you!

lostgirl25

I hope you wage the war against those demons and make it. I noticed you said you want to BUT... I was there 4 months ago. I'm now 96 days clean. The pharmacy can't call you if you tell your doctor the truth and ask for his/her help. I understand your feelings and only you can make the commitment to lift the burden and embrace the freedom you will have when the pills no longer control your life. Don't mean to offend you but if you have children you will not be making a sacrifice in quitting pills. You are sacrificing your children by taking the pills whether you realize it or not. I will be praying for you today to find the courage and strength to free yourself of the demons and accept the good life that you will someday have. Read the stories on here and hopefully they will help.

keltie

Aww, Rye, I feel for you. I love my pills too. But you know in your heart (like I do) that they will turn on you, right? The "happiness" they provide is a mirage, it's not real. Are you in NA? My addictive voice is right there with me every day, making me obsess like you can't imagine! (Actually, I'm sure you can!) Anyhow, best thing I did was get myself involved with NA. Now while I'm still a newbie (2 mos) I find that when those obsessive thoughts start, the antidote to them is to think of all the work I've done so far in NA. At the very least, it provides an alternative thought pattern to counteract your destructive addictive voice.

My hope is that the NA thought patterns I've learned get strong enough to drown out the addiction-devil voice. Just my two cents.

You are worth it, Rye. Your family is worth it. Good luck.

jfrancis0626

Wow, Rye! Im just had tears in myt eyes reading your post. You sound liek myself a few years back. Listen to me when I say this, YOU CAN DO THIS!! I know it seems so impossible right now, but it truely is not. You just have to dig down into a place you have not gone to in your soul, and find that strength, and start the first step of getting clean.. I know you said yuour babies dont go without, which is wonderfull, but they are, they are missing you! Im sure these pills have taken alot of the true YOU away. I apologize if im sounding mean, thats not my intention what so ever. You sound like a wonderful soul, a soul that needs a little guidance, and i just want to help..I just hate to think of anyone feeling the pain that you are feeling.
Please let me know if you would ever like to talk more. Im always available.
Best of luck to you!!

Ryegrizzle

Thx guys its a battle that I've been going thru for about 12-15 yrs not just the pills just having one addiction after another I drank everyday when I was about 15, I soon realized that u got way more "buzzed if u popped a SOMA while u drank, I soon went from that to xanabars,I lived this way for a 2yr or so and got into methamphetamines it ran its course and a couple years later I switcched from Meth to cocaine and then from cocaine back to Meth I finally got out of that scene and wanted to just chill so I smoked pot everyday for about a 3-4 yr period by this time I'm in my early 20's and I've got my son I had him with a girl. From the Meth scene I got out, she didn't. I had him with me everyday since he was a few months old. He is currently seeing his mother again BC she came to us when he was 6 yrs old and she was clean or so she said. But anyway I got off of some of the harder stuff and tried to chill out, go to school and raise my son, but still did drugs everyday of my life not even thinking something is wrong with that picture. While I was in the pot scene I met my wife she loved the fact that I was a dealer and at the time I only sold pot and downers so we did that for a while and she got pregnant I was extremely worried about my love BC I thought she would keep using with me, I am so happy to say she surprised me very much and quit everything and never took another puff. As soon as she saw that she was pregnant she stopped, she is sooooo awesome. But even tho she stopped she and I still hung out with our friends who I smoked with daily and popped downers with...it was only after the death of my closest friend in the world that I got out of that

Freedom1990

If I don't stand for something, I'll fall for anything.

There are plenty of recovery programs out there...NA, Smart, Rational Recovery, etc. There's got to be a good fit for you somewhere. Personally, I attended NA, in addition to attending AA. We have no more NA here anymore, so it's AA for me.

Sending you hugs of support.

Ryegrizzle

Anyway I'm no stranger to addiction I stayed clean for about 5 yrs after rehab 7 yrs ago and then I got hurt and this is no drug its medicine it'll help and ill quit quick its temporary these are the lies I told myself after I got hurt to convince myself I could use again. As an addict I should have never used again no matter how much pain. I will keep battling everyday

Ryegrizzle

I made promises to my wife to never use again after rehab and I had every intention on doing that I made it 5 yrs and now I'm hooked on a substance worse than ever before and its legal how strange. I can barely look my wife in the eye I feel like such a failure I fought so hard to rebuild my self respecting those 5 yrs and now I am lower than ever before

NewAttitude

Read as many threads as you can; there is a lot of wisdom & great advice in them that it's impossible to re-write in every post.

You can do this. It is the drug, the addiction, telling you that you'll never make it, that you're no good, etc. Every negative thought about yourself is a lie designed to keep you using. It is time to become your own best friend & treat yourself with as much compassion as you would any friend who came to you for help. I know it sounds hard, being that most of us addicts are pros at beating ourselves up since that's what keeps us using.

You are not unique to this fight. Many have fought before you and won; and many more will fight after you and win too.

Be a winner, one day at a time.

Blessings~~
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The best time to plant an Oak tree is 25 years ago.
The second best time is today.