Benjaminn

Hey SR community, I'm on day 5 off the opiates now but I had a really bad urge today which transformed into a scary eff it situation. I would have relapsed about an hour ago if the dude didn't flake on me. Talk about higher power stuff! Anyway it usually isn't a concern...I've actually never met this guy but I have been told he sells 30s from the some guy that works next door but everytime I try to put something together it falls through. The thing that scares me is the fact that for the past year and a half is that all my relapses have occurred between day 4 to day 14 and it is the most intense time for the mental thoughts to brew and boil in my head. Most of the time its just me in my store with alot of time on my hands and alot of being stuck in my own head which leads to thoughts like "you've relapsed every attempt at getting sober for the past year and a half...what makes you think your gonna beat it this time?" and then "just take money from the register you know your boss is ******** and never notices anyway." I just hate being stuck in my head with my negative thoughts all day long it sucks! If I didn't know there was some kid rolling around in a volvo in my shopping center with opiates it probably wouldn't be to bad but just knowing is enough to drive me insane because I'm so used to acting on impulse and screwing up a week or two clean just cause its habit at this point. After the urge goes away I'm actually fine. I feel great physically but mentally I get impatient and hopeless. I don't really know what answers I'm looking for, I guess I just need some support and suggestions at this point in time. Looking forward to getting through Day 6 tomorrow! -- Ben.

dizzydolphin

Welcome to SR benjamin, if you are getting through the physical part of W/D that's an accomplishment right there. I suggest deleting all dealers numbers first off. Make a decision this is last detox. Have you tried an N/A meeting? There is a lot of support there and maybe keep you busy doing something constructive.

Posting and reading here is also very helpful.

Best wishes your way.

Nonya911

I'm on day 6 today Ben! I am feeling so much better. Hopefully tomorrow, you will too.

Benjaminn

Thanks Nonya I hope so today was a big bummer! But im clean!

yellieee

Hi Benjaminn! I am on day 26 and I have had the same experience as you where you almost give in but then it doesn't work out. What I do in these situations is write down how I was feeling when I called for drugs, how I felt while i was waiting for drugs, how I felt after I was unable to get drugs, and lastly how I felt a couple hours after the failed attempt to get them.

What I have noticed is that although there was a lot of anxiety and cravings while seeking the drugs and anger after not being able to get them, a couple hours later I am relieved that the person never came through. Whenever I struggle and want to pick up the phone, I remember how the feeling passes, and how relieved I was the past times when I did not obtain drugs.

Keep fighting through the urges and keep track of your thoughts while having them. It always helps keep me sober when I remember that you should not be relieved by not getting what you want. Right there is reason enough for me to remember how hard it would be the next day if I had "gotten my way" in that moment.

Stay strong!

Yelliee

TheReader

Benjanminn and Yellieee - welcome to SR.
I can relate so much to the anxiety and the chase. Sometimes I feel that the chase was as strong as the actual addiction and we may be missing that "chase high" as much as the use of the drug. As I think back on all my using years, the times I received opiates for true pain issues are not memorable. What is memorable is stealing pills from relatives, ordering on-line awaiting orders to arrive, surfing the net looking for more suppliers, etc. I acted on impulse many times, especially stealing pills - and then seriously regretting that action later.

I would suggest you stay as busy as possible, get as much exercise as possible, focus on eating well/healthy and keeping posting.

I, too, was on the using roller coaster for years and could not stay in recovery. I lost all my on-line sources over a year ago, never doctor shopped or bought on the street, so it may have been easier for me this time to finally make up my mind that this would be my final effort.

SR really has made a difference for me as well this time around. We are all here for you!

Benjaminn

So I'm on day 7 now and I'm feeling alot more confident in myself. Yesterday I worked all day and didn't have a single urge to go snoop around for something. I'm hoping today is gonna be similar. Thanks for all your support and suggestions everyone.

jfrancis0626

AWESOME FOR U BENJAMIN!!!!

Threshold

That post about missing the chase really hit home for me. I never thought about it but yeah, that was part of the thrill. I can put that insight to use...like today.

Ben, aren't you curious what day 15 might feel like? From the way you post it seems like you have a quick mind and I think you can use that to your favor.

Maybe find something new to chase, to see what you can make happen. Something positive. Find someone who needs a favor or to get out of themselves, and make a plan to go somewhere and do something. Maybe a new job, with a less ******** boss that makes use of your quick mind.

There's no reason you can't make it.

heyitsme

Hi Ben, just wanted to say keep up the good fight. Is it really worth going back and forth on?? Don't you just want to be done?? I have found since I have told myself that I am not going back -- mentally I am doing so much better. The thought crosses my mind every once in awhile. But I can't go back to how I was before. How I am now is so much better.

I relate to the stealing pills thing. I have done that, and I am so ashamed of it. I still want to look when I go to my parent's house or to a friends house. Just to see if they have anything. I don't want to take it -- but can't help but think what it would be like to look. I can't wait for that to pass. At this point, I try to stay away from anyone I know has pills. It just isn't worth it!!

Benjaminn

So I have arrived at Day 8 clean and serene. Today through Sunday should hold little temptation for me because I'm off from work and I can just be lazy around the house. So I'm gonna go play some Halo Reach and teach myself some more Java Programming because I'm a Computer Science major and I've decided to start taking classes again this summer and then right into the fall semester. Like Threshold said I do have a very quick mind and I tend to act on impulse so it is very important for me to stay occupied with something, a nice distraction. My girlfriend is coming over tonight and I'm gonna use the day to think of something nice we can do tonight because she deserves so much for all the crappppp I've put her through. Why she stays is beyond my comprehension. I guess you really don't give up on the ones you love. I'm grateful for that today.

Benjaminn

Relapsed on day 11. I thought I had cut everyone out that would make me relapse but then out of no where this girl i used to work with about a year and a half ago chats me on facebook...oxy 40s for 10 bucks...blah blah blah...super bummed. I still have 2 left and I think Im just gonna flush em. So yeah back to day 1 oh joy! I don't expect withdrawal symptoms but its just annoying having to start over every couple 24 hours.

Benjaminn

I flushed them. I'm so over this.

jfrancis0626

Hey Ben, Thats awesome that u actually flushed ur remaining 2!! There is alot to be said for that act. I realize you feel like crap, cuz u gotta start over, but this is part of this fricken disease we addicts have. WE ALL F UP!! Hopefully it will be the last but it might not. I messed up, man, I dunno how many times before actually getting a solid month of clean time. It sucks but, you gotta keep at it. Its so worth it in the end, and I know you want it bad enough, I see it in your words. Keep up the good work, and keep talking to the people on here. Please keep us posted on how your doing.
Im sending my best wishes and thoughts your way!