Nonya911

Posted this on the Newcomer's Board - thought maybe this one was more appropriate:

My father OD'd on painkillers (lortab) a year ago. My mom tells everyone he had a heart attack in his sleep. I'm not stupid, I know what killed him. I found the bottle, the date on it, and the number of pills remaining. He had been off them for weeks and apparently didn't have quite the tolerance he thought anymore.

Now a year later, I find myself in a similar position. I have taken lortab here and there over the years for a chronic condition. It's never been a problem before...but since my dad died, I started relying on them to get through the day. The situation came to a head last Friday when my husband discovered I had blown through my own prescripton and taken most of his.

I promised it would never happen again and that I was done. It was to the point where I was taking 8-10 a day. I took 4 Saturday, 2 Sunday, 1 Monday, and 1 Tuesday. Yesterday and today I've had 0. I've been seriously suffering since Monday night. The worse part is that I promised my husban I would refill my script and give it to him to replace what I took. I had to look at that bottle on my desk at work all day yesterday. When I got home I asked him to hide it - but I saw it sitting out on the table this morning. I don't think he understands how badly I want to take them.

Pandie

Welcome to SR Nonya, I feel so bad for you and am so sorry about the loss of your father. My mother died as a result of her drug abuse, and as much as it hurt me to lose her in that way, I find myself in the same damn shoes. I believe addiction, or addictive tendencies definitely run in families. Have you told your husband to maybe hide his pills, or lock them somewhere. He already knows that you took some of his, so he knows you have a weakness to them right? What are you and your husband on the pills for? Is there something else that you could take for whatever pain you are having? What about your husband? It would be great if you didn't have to be tempted 24/7.

~Pandie

Dees

Hi Nonya. I am truly sorry about your loss. Trying to get clean is nearly impossible when there are pills in plain site. And, your spouse may not be trying to hide them because he honestly can't comprehend the insane impulses an addict has when there are pills around. I say this because my husband is the same way. He is extremely supportive of me but he has said numerous times that he can't wrap his brain around how strongly the addiction has a hold of me.

With that said, I quit oxys cold turkey last Monday (so this may be Day 11 for me. I have honestly lost count - the days have blended together since I quit. I have good and bad moments in each of the days). We have a safe and my husband put the remainder of the oxys in the safe. I do not know the code to open the safe and that is a very good thing. I would find them if he hid them. Oh lord, I would find them!

So, maybe you need to fully explain the addiction to your husband. Don't feel bad or hurt if he doesn't understand it. He may not be able to understand it, but that doesn't mean he can't fully support you. However, if you want to be off the pills for good, you really need to not have access to them - ESPECIALLY during your withdrawals. You will crave them like never before.

I hope this helps a little.

Dees

Nonya911

Thank you for your responses! It really helps to know I'm not alone.

Dees, I know exactly what you mean. I am craving like never before. This suffering is nuts!!

Pandie, I am done with painkillers. I realize I no longer have the ability to control them. As for my husband, he has a rare form of MD. His pain is very legit and he does not over-use his meds. I don't want to make my problem his...but I'm running on sheer willpower right now.

I want to cut my legs off. Going minute to minute right now.

Dees

Nonya - when you are married there is no longer a "me" or a "you" or a "him" or a "her." There is now an "us" (something my marriage counselor told me). And he deserves to have the right to be able to help you now.

I know it may be hard, but you should really give him the opportunity to help the person he promised to support through good and bad times.

Dees

RubyRose

Hi Nonya I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Mine passed away in 2007 so I know the hurt.

I quit the oxy c/t BUT with my Dr's knowledge. Not that that made it any easier but I felt safer and he helped me through it (without any drugs) with just his support. And a few IV bottles of fluids in the ER when I got too dehydrated. My legs ached so bad too and I didn't realize that dehydration could do that. I also took immodium as that's where I was losing the most fluid!

Maybe you could make an appointment with your Dr. and just spill it all. With him/her on board with you it will make it easier for you.

It's tough having a partner that takes legit narcotics when you are an addict. That is something that maybe you and your husband could go in together and talk to your (or his) doctor about.

Wishing you the best in recovery - you can do it!

...Ruby...

Nonya911

I wish I could just knock myself out and wake up done with this pain. I doubt that will happen though. Sleep looks like a pipe dream.

neferkamichael

So sorry for the loss of your father Nonya. Sounds like you know you have a problem with lortabs. Being on SR has help me stay off crack for 4 months now. Plenty of people here who care and are willing to help. Prayin for ya.

RubyRose

Hi Neferkamichael : I didn't realize it's been 4 months for you already! I remember talking to you when you were on day 1, day 2, etc. Congrats!!

Nonya: We are all here because of one addiction or another. All of us in varying degrees of recovery - for me it's been 2 years 7 months off oxy and Michael has stayed off crack for 4 months. (Way to go!) Many others are here for the support and encouragement to get off and stay off drugs. It works - keep posting, keep reading and be so proud of yourself for everyday you don't use! You can do it too!!

...Ruby...

Nonya911

Still can't sleep but I'm fighting the good fight. I felt so awful about an hour ago I almost resorted to praying - and I'm an atheist. It is so helpful to connect with others going through this too. If you all can do it, surely I can too.

Nonya911

Back at work with 2 hours of sleep. This is going to be a rough day.

bval

Hey Nonya. Welcome to SR.com, you've come to the right place. The majority of us here in SA forum are here because we're pain pill addicts (with a smattering of addicts to other things).

To a person, we all know EXACTLY what you're going through, how hard this is, how much of a steaming pile of SUCK it is to be dependent on opioid chemicals ... and then running out w/no way to get more. The pain, shame, suffering, guilt, cravings, along with all the other horrible withdrawal effects ... yeah ... we all know it WAAAAAY too well.

However, if it didn't suck so bad to run out at inopportune times ... many of us would've never quit. So ... this is an OPPORTUNITY for you right now. In AA/NA we call it 'the gift of suffering'. Sounds funny, but it is a gift!

I dunno what your health situation is, whether or not you absolutely NEED opioids for chronic, debilitating pain, but if there's a chance you can get by w/o them (and most people here have found they can, even if at one point they thought otherwise), NOW would be a good time to tough it out, and not go back.

I dunno how much you know about the phenomenon of opioid/opiate (same basic thing) addiction, but if I were you I'd take some time to educate yourself using the internet. It sounds like this whole thing is a bit 'new' to you, maybe this is the first time things have ever got 'outta hand' and you're facing withdrawals for the first time. I'm here to tell you ... IT GETS WORSE FROM HERE ... if you do nothing about it.

These drugs are nothing to be toyed with or taken lightly. They affect our ancient, primitive (aka 'reptilian') brain parts, meaning they impact us on a very, very basic and instinctual level. Until you gain a good understanding of what you're up against, you're going to find yourself sitting around BAFFLED, time and time again, as to HOW you keep letting yourself screw up w/these pills.

The bottom-line is ... they are MORE POWERFUL than you are, more powerful than your WILL. They operate on your most basic instincts to seek pleasure and avoid pain, be it physical or emotional pain ... and they are a cruel mistress. They can OWN your ass, make no mistake about it.

In fact, the only way a great many of us got off them was by letting our lives degrade to the point that it 'sucked more' to be taking them than it did to NOT take them. Many of us got to the point of losing EVERYTHING that mattered to us ... homes, spouses, children, any modicum of self-respect ... these drugs can TAKE IT ALL if you give them half a chance.

The only difference between you and a raging heroin addict right now is just the dosage, not the chemical ... lortabs are oral, pharmaceutical heroin, for all meaningful purposes. No matter how respectable or respected you may now be, nobody is 'above' falling into behavior patterns around these drugs that, had you told them beforehand, they'd have NEVER BELIEVED they'd let themselves sink to. You're experiencing a typical 'first step in a downward spiral' now ... stealing. Next will be buying them illegally, and/or doctor shopping ... the behavior patterns are WELL known and documented, and pretty damn universal ... unless something is actively done to nip it in the bud.

Do not take this lightly ... reach out for help, and start educating yourself about opiate addiction and what it can do, how to combat it, etc.

Don't be another generation in your family to succumb to this disease!

Dees

Bval - you hit the nail right on the head! What amazing words you have posted.

FT

Hi Nonya,

I'm so glad you're here. You will get a lot of support for quitting the opiates. Bval's post above is spot on about the opiates.

I wanted to pop in to say hello, but also to tell you that I hope you are feeling NO GUILT over your dad's death.

I know that may sound weird, but often the people left behind feel some remorse over not "noticing" something was wrong, or even "stopping them", as though they ever had the power to do that. You didn't. Just like no one really has the power over your actions now.

A number of years ago, before I ever knew what oxycodone addiction even meant, a close friend of mine died of an oxycontin/benzo overdose. Yes, she died in her sleep. No, it wasn't suicide. That's the scary part, that people who have no intention of killing themselves sometimes do it anyway. In my friend's case, I worked with her every day as well as being best friends. She and her 14 year old son had plans for the future, but they fought a lot. She had difficulty with this, trouble sleeping. I knew she was taking benzos and was worried more about that than the "pain pills". The week before she OD'd, I had noticed her slurring her words. The day before, she was depressed and talking about how she couldn't sleep. She had a fight with her son that morning over shopping at Safeway. Her son told us after she died that they had a big fight that night. He blamed himself for killing his mother. She had gone to bed early, crying, and took the same amount of drug that she usually took -- but who knows, because we also found out later she was getting drugs from several docs. For months, I felt totally guilty. I had seen trouble brewing. I didn't warn her. I didn't stop her. Maybe I could have saved her. That's the stuff that kept me up at night for a long time. Later on, I learned about opiates the hard way. I understand better what happened now.

Awful stuff.

It's good you are here now. Yes, breaking tradition. What a tradition it is. Unfortunately, substance abuse does become "traditional" in families. You have the benefit of knowing that, seeing it now.

Good luck. Quitting drugs now is the best thing you could ever do.

FT

Nonya911

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and generous words. I cannot stress how encouraging they are.

I am feeling better today in spite of my 2 hours of sleep! I saw my gynocologist this afternoon and in the past she has given me lortab for my terrible cramps. Not today!! She didn't offer and I didn't ask. I am so proud of myself.

On a more problematic note, I just had to go to our office storage room and move a bunch of heavy boxes. I think I strained my lower back in the process. I won't know until later - I usually wake up the next day and can't move. Oh, I hope that doesn't happen.

FT

Hi Nonya911,

I hope you keep posting. Also read as many of the posts as you can on oxy withdrawal.

I understand totally about the cramps. I hope you didn't hurt your back. That's all you need under the circumstances. I'm here a lot, except when I'm working or on campus. But I check a lot, if you're ever lonely and need to talk.

FT

bval

How you doing today Nonya? Hanging in there? How's the back?

Although it's hard to find anything positive about the situation if you DID strain your back,the one upside is that at this particular time, it'll probably just meld into all the rest of the pain you're in anyways just from the dopesickness. I strained my back on Wednesday (mildly, it only hurt a lot for one day), however all the muscles up and down my spine have been KILLING ME through my whole detox (which I'm 20 days into now), so it really just melted in with that pain. Keep in mind though I'm kicking buprenorphine, which has a much more drawn out detox than anything aside from methadone.

One thing that was cool though is the constant back pain FINALLY went away on Thursday ... both the strain and spinal pain subsided together, so I've "enjoyed" the last couple of days a little bit ... finally.

Anyways, hope your back is okay, and keep up the good work! Going back ... cannot be an option, whether your back is hurt or not. It's not like opioids will FIX anything. Quite the opposite, in fact

keltie

Welcome Nonya. You are in the right place. I'm currently kicking vicodin, which I believe is the same as lortabs. I admire you for not asking your doc for more pills. I am very early into my detox. My doc knows everything- I told her. She has me "weaning off" by using tramadol. I have not experienced any w/d symptoms that are really noticeable. I feel very lucky. I've been actively involved in NA for 6 weeks now- started when I was still using. I got a sponsor and am actively working my first step.

I hope your back is ok! Hopefully you'll check in with us. I love having this support group.

Nonya911

My back is not too bad thankfully. I'm still hanging in there. This morning I woke up tweaking pretty seriously. To resist the urge to use, I hurridly ate a full meal. If you're a pill-popper you will know why this works. lol

*The pills don't work worth a crap on a full stomach. Even at my worst, I never took them when I was full. I considered doing so a total waste.

Nonya911

OH NO!! My husband is at the store and while doing some housework, I found where he hid his pills. I refuse to start over. I've made it too far.