Making new friends?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: England
Posts: 276
Making new friends?
I was just wondering what everybody has done in their quest to make new friends once they stopped using?
My social circle has shrunk by around 60% (stopped seeing friends who use any drugs) and I class myself lucky to still have some great friends who do not use, but I would still like to meet some new people. I go out with my friends who drink (don't have an alcohol problem but doctor told me not to drink due to illness) and have a soft drink but am bored after about 90 minutes as they start to become drunk, so I always leave early.
I am currently unemployed, so my funds are very limited, however I still go gym, and have a list of activities to do once I have a wage - e.g. rock climbing and a maybe some evening classes.
I attend CA meetings and enjoy the company of some members but not sure if any friendships will evolve.
I am 32 year old male.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks in advance
My social circle has shrunk by around 60% (stopped seeing friends who use any drugs) and I class myself lucky to still have some great friends who do not use, but I would still like to meet some new people. I go out with my friends who drink (don't have an alcohol problem but doctor told me not to drink due to illness) and have a soft drink but am bored after about 90 minutes as they start to become drunk, so I always leave early.
I am currently unemployed, so my funds are very limited, however I still go gym, and have a list of activities to do once I have a wage - e.g. rock climbing and a maybe some evening classes.
I attend CA meetings and enjoy the company of some members but not sure if any friendships will evolve.
I am 32 year old male.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks in advance
Argonaut
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 479
Hey, I am 32 too
After I quit drinking, my social circle shrunk also shrunk a lot. I have started being more active at my soccer club and getting to know more people there I usually wouldn't talk to, considering them "boring" non-drinkers.
I go to the library a lot now, it's free here (don't know about England though)
.
I also do some volunteer work (1 day a month in museum) and I hope to join a cycling club once my financial situation gets better.
After I quit drinking, my social circle shrunk also shrunk a lot. I have started being more active at my soccer club and getting to know more people there I usually wouldn't talk to, considering them "boring" non-drinkers.
I go to the library a lot now, it's free here (don't know about England though)
.I also do some volunteer work (1 day a month in museum) and I hope to join a cycling club once my financial situation gets better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
A lot of my friends use internet sites to meet people. It's kinda become the norm around here. I've never done it but I know there are some sites that people can go and meet other people with the same interests. sounds like you already have a pretty good plan humpinh with the gym and volunteer work. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
Perhaps find a hobby and join a club? One suggestion in particular - Find a Radio Control Flying club. In my experience, every club I've been too has the most wonderful and helpful people you've ever met! There are Model Train Clubs, Car Clubs... Point is, just about every hobby has a local club behind it full of wonderful and interesting people who LOVE to be helpful to new comers!
When I was pulling down some serious cash, I used to have a 350 gallon Salt Water reef Aquarium. It was like having the great barrier reef in my living room. I got involved with a club sponsored by the local university and I met dozens of FANTASTIC people and made new friends.
As a side note to that experience - In 1994 a bacterial infection wiped out a particular species of soft coral in the marshal islands. It was people like myself and others that assisted the University with taking our own aquarium specimens and the university took them, regrew them - and re-introduced those corals to that island. We actually helped to save a species of coral from extinction!!!!!!!!! During that time I made even more friends because of our involvement.
Even though I no longer have aquariums, I still get together with two of the friends I made there. That was 20 years ago!
Point is, find something that interests you and then look for a club or organization behind it. You don't have to have money either! Just an interest in it. I will GUARANTEE you that whatever it is, you're going to meet people and those people will bend over backwards to get you involved with whatever it is! Hobbies are passions. Behind passions are passionate people!
AND!!!!!!!!!!! You're not trying to meet people in bars and taverns where you're most likely to pick up old habits!
When I was pulling down some serious cash, I used to have a 350 gallon Salt Water reef Aquarium. It was like having the great barrier reef in my living room. I got involved with a club sponsored by the local university and I met dozens of FANTASTIC people and made new friends.
As a side note to that experience - In 1994 a bacterial infection wiped out a particular species of soft coral in the marshal islands. It was people like myself and others that assisted the University with taking our own aquarium specimens and the university took them, regrew them - and re-introduced those corals to that island. We actually helped to save a species of coral from extinction!!!!!!!!! During that time I made even more friends because of our involvement.
Even though I no longer have aquariums, I still get together with two of the friends I made there. That was 20 years ago!
Point is, find something that interests you and then look for a club or organization behind it. You don't have to have money either! Just an interest in it. I will GUARANTEE you that whatever it is, you're going to meet people and those people will bend over backwards to get you involved with whatever it is! Hobbies are passions. Behind passions are passionate people!
AND!!!!!!!!!!! You're not trying to meet people in bars and taverns where you're most likely to pick up old habits!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: South Milwaukee, WI.
Posts: 53
Hi,
I also struggle with being lonely, i gues I have to be the one to go out and do the meeting.
It is a little harder for me because I am 52 and a little harder to make friends I have found out, that is why I think it is easier to catch this in the early stages than later in life....
I think we all have loving heartys and thats all we want is to be loved, any way that is how is it for me....
All I had was using friends that this stage in my life, so I know how u feel when u say it is hard to find friends!!!!!
I am struggling w/ the same issues...
I am going to find them in jesus @ this part of my life for me....
I also struggle with being lonely, i gues I have to be the one to go out and do the meeting.
It is a little harder for me because I am 52 and a little harder to make friends I have found out, that is why I think it is easier to catch this in the early stages than later in life....
I think we all have loving heartys and thats all we want is to be loved, any way that is how is it for me....
All I had was using friends that this stage in my life, so I know how u feel when u say it is hard to find friends!!!!!
I am struggling w/ the same issues...
I am going to find them in jesus @ this part of my life for me....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South Florida
Posts: 54
i'm in the same boat. i don't have any friends. the friends i do have are people i should not be surrounding myself with.
maybe try meetup.com? i have signed up for this site to join a 5k runners group because i like to run and hate always doing things by myself.
i would just like a friend to call and just go and do normal things with.
maybe try meetup.com? i have signed up for this site to join a 5k runners group because i like to run and hate always doing things by myself.
i would just like a friend to call and just go and do normal things with.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: nocity, alabama
Posts: 8
This is a great thread, I hope LOTS of people post their suggestions about how to meet new people. I need all the advice i can get.
I suffer from major clinical depression plus an addiction to opiates. I have just begun to get some help. In the process, I now realize that I have successfully isolated myself from every friend or family member that I ever had. The depression has made me anti-social which makes the depression worse which makes me want to hide away by myself which makes me more depressed etc etc. Plus hiding my addiction compounds the problem and depresses me and that makes me want to take more pills. The cycle never ends! My counselor is adamant that I start getting out and being among the living; but HOW? Where do I even start? My part time job is one where I do not interact with other people; I dont have money to go on excursions; I am 39 yrs old and feel like I am starting completely from scratch. And in the meantime, I am so desperately lonely and wishing I just had ONE person to talk to. Sometimes I go a whole day without speaking to another human being. That makes me feel like such a loser, like a strange hermit-like creature with no reason for existing. sometimes I think about what if something happens to me and how long it would be before someone noticed...weeks? months? i dont let myself think about that too long.
wow, I've really went off on a tangent. Point is, HOW do i start over? How do I meet other people? How do I get out of this isolation spiral?
I suffer from major clinical depression plus an addiction to opiates. I have just begun to get some help. In the process, I now realize that I have successfully isolated myself from every friend or family member that I ever had. The depression has made me anti-social which makes the depression worse which makes me want to hide away by myself which makes me more depressed etc etc. Plus hiding my addiction compounds the problem and depresses me and that makes me want to take more pills. The cycle never ends! My counselor is adamant that I start getting out and being among the living; but HOW? Where do I even start? My part time job is one where I do not interact with other people; I dont have money to go on excursions; I am 39 yrs old and feel like I am starting completely from scratch. And in the meantime, I am so desperately lonely and wishing I just had ONE person to talk to. Sometimes I go a whole day without speaking to another human being. That makes me feel like such a loser, like a strange hermit-like creature with no reason for existing. sometimes I think about what if something happens to me and how long it would be before someone noticed...weeks? months? i dont let myself think about that too long.
wow, I've really went off on a tangent. Point is, HOW do i start over? How do I meet other people? How do I get out of this isolation spiral?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: london
Posts: 52
when we stop using it feels like theres a big void in are life using takes up a lot of time your be surprised how fast it will fill up don,t sweat the small stuff". i,d love to have more time for myself" can,t believe i said that lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: England
Posts: 276
Thanks for the responses guys - there are some good ideas listed. I am defo going to take some ideas on board
Ivankatz - wow, an aquarium I've always wanted to purchase a massive one if I ever won the lottery
Ivankatz - wow, an aquarium I've always wanted to purchase a massive one if I ever won the lottery
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
I started to distance myself from "friends" made while on the oxy train, before I actually quit the pills.
It was really apparent how I kept choosing to hang with people that I normally never would of gotten near before. The affirmations of Women for Sobriety are cemented in my head and taking responsibility for choosing to surround myself with some (thankfully not all) negative people eventually got old and I broke up with them. :-)
Luckily I've managed to keep several positive influences in my life and they were there waiting for me to get my head together.
I've never liked juggling a lot of friends. Consider myself lucky to have a few that I can tell anything to, never having to fear rejection or anything less than love and support.
Good thread. Thanks for starting it!
It was really apparent how I kept choosing to hang with people that I normally never would of gotten near before. The affirmations of Women for Sobriety are cemented in my head and taking responsibility for choosing to surround myself with some (thankfully not all) negative people eventually got old and I broke up with them. :-)
Luckily I've managed to keep several positive influences in my life and they were there waiting for me to get my head together.
I've never liked juggling a lot of friends. Consider myself lucky to have a few that I can tell anything to, never having to fear rejection or anything less than love and support.
Good thread. Thanks for starting it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
I would say that BY FAR the easiest thing to do in this situation is try to find some good meetings (AA/NA/CA/Lifering, whatever) and try reaching out to others there. After a couple times of seeing the same folks, maybe you'll even feel comfortable mentioning to the group that you're feeling like you really need to make some new friends as you're feeling isolated and don't know how to reach out to people in your new-found sobriety, etc.
You'd be amazed how many others there are either in the same boat, or who HAVE been, and will know just what to do. And EVERYONE can relate the feeling of being new in sobriety and just really not knowing WHAT THE HELL to DO with themselves, in all kinds of ways.
In early recovery, the other people (esp. those with some good long sober/clean time, i.e. a year or years) in meetings are the best possible resource for all manner of questions like this. This is is a part of why these meetings exist. Helping the newcomer.
Also, I highly recommend going to at least one AA meeting and grabbing the book "Living Sober" ... it's a bit, errr ... anachronistic ... as most AA materials are, but ... there's a LOT of great advice in that book, and it's free. Just substitute 'drugs' for alcohol, and 95% of it still applies ... even though it's from like the early 1960's.
You'd be amazed how many others there are either in the same boat, or who HAVE been, and will know just what to do. And EVERYONE can relate the feeling of being new in sobriety and just really not knowing WHAT THE HELL to DO with themselves, in all kinds of ways.
In early recovery, the other people (esp. those with some good long sober/clean time, i.e. a year or years) in meetings are the best possible resource for all manner of questions like this. This is is a part of why these meetings exist. Helping the newcomer.
Also, I highly recommend going to at least one AA meeting and grabbing the book "Living Sober" ... it's a bit, errr ... anachronistic ... as most AA materials are, but ... there's a LOT of great advice in that book, and it's free. Just substitute 'drugs' for alcohol, and 95% of it still applies ... even though it's from like the early 1960's.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Let me add one more thing here ... no offense to anyone, as I understand what you're going through, I understand lonely isolation, BELIEVE ME.
But there is a reason the 'Steps' are what they are. There's a reason why spirituality/prayer/higher power is a big part of all 12-step programs. It's because we're 'show-runners' ... even in our using, we were trying to control something ... even if in the end, the only 'show' we were left running was just the way *we felt* ... through alcohol and drugs.
Part of the key to recovery is to stop trying running the show, making everything 'about us' and our feelings. What you are taught to do is turn things over to your HP, pray for his will to be done, etc.
The trick here is: if YOU are not IN CHARGE, then you have no reason to sit around feeling bad about yourself thinking 'why am I such a loser/alone/can't make any friends' ... rather, you immediately say to yourself 'I'm not in charge ... my HP will bring friends into my life as He sees fit'.
The great thing about this is ... this 'tool' totally WORKS, even if Gawd ... is but a figment of our imagination. It doesn't even matter, that's the beauty of it ... what MATTERS ... is that it's a tool, it's a positive change ... the newer, better, healthier thought process on your part.
That's all Recovery is ... new ways of thinking about the same old sh*t
First and foremost on that list is changing from thinking "Me=Bad" to "Me=Good". One the most useful tools in this regard is the process of 'turning it over' ... that way, everything that doesn't 'go right' ... is not 'cause' for beating yourself up.
But there is a reason the 'Steps' are what they are. There's a reason why spirituality/prayer/higher power is a big part of all 12-step programs. It's because we're 'show-runners' ... even in our using, we were trying to control something ... even if in the end, the only 'show' we were left running was just the way *we felt* ... through alcohol and drugs.
Part of the key to recovery is to stop trying running the show, making everything 'about us' and our feelings. What you are taught to do is turn things over to your HP, pray for his will to be done, etc.
The trick here is: if YOU are not IN CHARGE, then you have no reason to sit around feeling bad about yourself thinking 'why am I such a loser/alone/can't make any friends' ... rather, you immediately say to yourself 'I'm not in charge ... my HP will bring friends into my life as He sees fit'.
The great thing about this is ... this 'tool' totally WORKS, even if Gawd ... is but a figment of our imagination. It doesn't even matter, that's the beauty of it ... what MATTERS ... is that it's a tool, it's a positive change ... the newer, better, healthier thought process on your part.
That's all Recovery is ... new ways of thinking about the same old sh*t
First and foremost on that list is changing from thinking "Me=Bad" to "Me=Good". One the most useful tools in this regard is the process of 'turning it over' ... that way, everything that doesn't 'go right' ... is not 'cause' for beating yourself up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 30
Hey EngLand......
I'm 35 years old and 47 days clean as of today.....I live in Las Vegas, and I'm right there with you......the number 1 reason that I am able to stay clean, well 2 reasons, are NA meetings and I cut out all my old " friends".
I am starting to meet people in meetings, friendship will come out of the meetings. Itry to hit the same meeting every time at the same day so I see people over and over again...THE BEST thing I did was volunteer for service work at the meetings.....greet people, coffee, pick up chairs, etc......that forces you in a good way to meet people.....
As far as told" friends" go, they are way to busy partying and using to remember me....which is fine by me.........if we all truly want to stop using, we have to change our whole lives, including whom we hang out with.
God Bless
I'm 35 years old and 47 days clean as of today.....I live in Las Vegas, and I'm right there with you......the number 1 reason that I am able to stay clean, well 2 reasons, are NA meetings and I cut out all my old " friends".
I am starting to meet people in meetings, friendship will come out of the meetings. Itry to hit the same meeting every time at the same day so I see people over and over again...THE BEST thing I did was volunteer for service work at the meetings.....greet people, coffee, pick up chairs, etc......that forces you in a good way to meet people.....
As far as told" friends" go, they are way to busy partying and using to remember me....which is fine by me.........if we all truly want to stop using, we have to change our whole lives, including whom we hang out with.
God Bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: England
Posts: 276
Bval - I may think you you once I have spent more time at CA and started to work through my steps
Help - several people have offered me the same advice - I think I am inpatient and want isntant friends
There is an open day at my local bike club tomorrow - though I would give it a try and see what happens
Help - several people have offered me the same advice - I think I am inpatient and want isntant friends
There is an open day at my local bike club tomorrow - though I would give it a try and see what happens
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