keltie

Hello- I'm not new but I'm here for a different reason now. I first posted when I fell off the wagon after 6 years of no alcohol. It took me a couple years but I think I finally kicked that. Unfortunately, I've just replaced it with vicodin. I'm actually "clean" now but by no means recovered and stable.

The consequences (doctor shopping) were catching up to me and I was spiraling out of control, so I did confess to my doctor, my husband, and I did the best thing ever- joined NA and got a sponsor. My doc has me tapering off by using tramadol. My tolerance wasn't super high- I would usually not go past 8 5/500's a day, but sometimes I would. So, the tapering via tramadol hasn't been too bad.

This week I went to my doc and complained so much that she gave in and gave me 10 vikes to take me through to my MRI on my back on Wednesday. Well of course they are long gone. I was supposed to take 1 per day. I forgot everything I learned from NA, didn't call my sponsor, etc. I totally blew it. SO, I say I'm "clean" but I'm by no means stable. If a bottle of vikes was in front of me, I have no doubt I'd take them. I don't trust myself a bit. So, that's my story- thanks for reading.

FT

Hi Keltie,

I'm sorry you are having trouble, but I'm so glad you decided to post about it.

A lot of us can understand your falling into the Vicodin trap. I'm sure you've already read about cross addiction, but it is very true that if you were ever addicted to one substance, you are far more likely than not going to become addicted to something else, sometimes before you even realize what is happening.

Since you haven't gotten really heavily into opiates yet, this might be a good time to just quit taking them. Beware of Tramadol, which is also highly addictive.

Read a lot of the threads here about this. Post a lot, too. Ask questions of people who have successfully gotten off these same drugs, and listen to what they have to say.

Withdrawal is crappy, but it can be done, and you can get your life back. I have severe osteoarthritis and two artificial knees, but I have decided how much pain is tolerable and whether opiates are a good answer or not. For me, I fall too quickly into addiction for them to be a viable alternative for me. I do not live pain free, but I live free from opiates and everything they entail.

FT

iliveforyou

Welcome to SR

I, too, have an opiate addiction that I am currently struggling with except mine progressed to abusing Fentanyl patches. I'm sorry that you are struggling, I am in no place to give you any advice but I wanted to welcome you and let you know you're not alone

-Jess

keltie

FT and Jess, thank you for posting! I appreciate it. FT I am in awe that you live with such afflictions and aren't using opiates. I know I don't really need them- there are people with so much more pain than I have who don't use.

Jess, i've been reading your threads and my heart goes out to you. You have so much on your plate. I hope you are able to find some peace. My doctor actually said she might give me that fentanyl patch but my friend in NA said STAY AWAY from that. After reading your post I am too scared to take that. I would probably abuse it in a heartbeat.

iliveforyou

Stay away from Fentanyl patches at ALL costs!!!! It's the strongest stuff out there and easy to abuse/misuse...not to mention people not understanding just how strong it is and end up od'ing. In 9 months I went from the lowest dose to the highest dose patch that is made because of my tolerance and dependance. While I need pain meds to function, I wish I never knew about Fentanyl.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way - you can do this!!

Thank you for your support and kinds words, I really appreciate it. All I want is peace of mind.

-Jess

FT

Hi Keltie, (and all others living with chronic pain),

I gotta tell ya -- I am a BIG WEENIE when it comes to pain. I don't want to make it sound like I am some big, brave person who challenges their pain and greets it each day with a smile. NOT!

I hate pain, I hate to be cold, I hate to feel stiff, I hate arthritis. I REALLY hate arthritis. And I have it all over. I had both knees replaced when my bone-on-bone arthritis became too excruciating to walk. I just didn't walk for awhile, at least not far, and my husband started looking into wheelchairs for me. NO!

I admire anyone with a disability who meets the challenge head-on and lives life fully, and much more bravely that I ever could. Seriously, I am impressed.

Having said that, I became more fearful of the wheelchair than I was of having major surgery, and so I dove in and had both knees replaced in 2009. The time preceding that was excruciatingly painful, since I am a student and have to ambulate all over campus. I got to riding my bike instead of walking, and people who saw me doing that were shocked when I could not walk when I got off the bike! I fell off one time, right in front of the student health center, and a bunch of people came running out thinking I was going to die. I mean, I am OLD. So why not?

Seriously, though. I really do not cope well with pain.

Having said that, I "met" opiates the year before my big knee surgeries, which was FABULOUS! Wowee, where have you BEEN all my life!? I thought opiates were the be-all and end-all, and my life was now saved, and I could LIVE AGAIN! YES!

NO!

No, no, and no. I must say "Thank you opiates!", for giving me some happiness and mobility, but then, "dear opiates", I want to KICK your ass for doing what you did to me after that!

Opiates did buy me some time, early on. I could think again, move again, and they made me unfearful of my impending surgeries. Even though the doctors forced me to QUIT the opiates before surgery, otherwise they would not be able to anesthetize me properly for what I needed to have done.

That should have clued me in that opiates were the devil in disguise.

Each time I quit opiates, I got very sick, lethargic, depressed, and felt generally horrible for the weeks leading up to the surgery. At the time, I was too stupid to recognize withdrawals when I saw it, and the doctors did not explain to me that I was going to go through that. Just the same, I did my surgeries, and "promptly" (ha!) became opiate dependent postoperatively.

I really believed I needed the opiates. My right knee did not heal as quickly as the left, so I had months of swelling and pain, which I treated with -- yes -- increasing and increasing and increasing doses of opiates.

Soon, I realized I could not function AT ALL unless I had opiates in me. My dependence had turned to addiction, which I realized only after it came to me that I was not using them for pain anymore. My pain had returned, although not as bad as preoperatively, but I hurt ALL the time. I just didn't care if I hurt, as long as I had "my" opiates.

It took me a little longer to recognize that the opiates had actually degraded my ability to tolerate pain AT ALL. I "needed" an opiate dose for the smallest headache, and I actually came down with the H1N1 flu virus after working in a mass vaccination clinic in our county (I was stupid and didn't get immunized), and when that happened, I blew through a month's worth of opiates in less than a week.

After that happened, I got "fired" by my pain management doctor for abusing the pills. What? I had the flu! I told him I had been hurting so much with the flu, that's why I took all my pills! He just looked at me. Told me to go elsewhere.

So, I did. That turned into doctor hopping, drug seeking, several doctors and dentists prescribing, pharmacy hopping, getting caught once and having a pharmacy threaten me with prosecution. They didn't, but I was getting scared, because I could not find enough doctors to prescribe. What next? The street?

I won't go into everything else that happened. But I will tell you this. The opiates were making me WORSE, in every imaginable way. I hurt ALL OVER, and I had no reason to. I figured I must have fibromyalgia. No. I had opiate-myalgia. I now recognize it was hyperalgesia. You might want to Google it.

The other thing the opiates were doing was causing me to build up extra fluid in my feet and my joints. Lordy, the opiates were causing me to have flaring of my osteoarthritis. WTF? What the hell was I doing to myself.

Okay, so I got off on another tangent. The point is this. Opiates deteriorate your resilience on every level. They stop working the way the did at first. They are less effective over time at reducing pain. You become deconditioned and lose muscle mass on opiates, so you become less able to produce your own endorphins. Your brain chemicals become all screwed up, so you believe you need the drug. You believe you think more clearly on the drug. The drug becomes your life.

But, back to pain again. I quit the opiates, pretty much cold turkey, in December 2010. I did not want to be an opiate-dependent human being. But I did not want to be in pain either. I just knew that opiates were not the answer. After a weekend of not even being able to remember how many pills I took the night before, I had the terrifying realization that I was taking enough to kill someone who was opiate naive. Enough was enough. I counted my pills and realized what I was doing. I rationed the rest out over 3 days and quit. I decided to become a non-opiate-user. Period.

Since I quit the opiates, my pain level was increased at first. I hurt all over in withdrawal. My joints were full of fluid and ached like hell. I wanted "my" opiates back and I mourned them almost like an old lover.

Then something remarkable happened. My pain threshold began to go down. The fluid in my knees began to go down. I started range of motion exercises, heat on my poor swollen joints, got good tennis shoes and started walking, and I got back on my bike.

Fast forward to now. Yes, pain. I still hate pain. I know how much is acceptable pain. I do not use opiates. Motrin does not help bone on bone arthritis, so I use excedrin. It works better for me.

I hurt. So what. A lot of people hurt. It's life. I am not brave.

I don't think I am unique in this, any more than I was unique in my addiction. I really believe that someone who really does not want to be opiate dependent can work with their healthcare providers to accomplish that. There IS life after opiates.

Sorry for the long post.

FT

keltie

OMG FT you are wrong. You are so strong. I admire you, and you are admirable, believe me! Thank you so much for your post. It inspires me.

NewAttitude

wow, FT, I am amazed.
I got hooked on opies b/c of fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue syndrome. I was in such pain all the time, my skin hurt, I felt like I had the worst flu ever 24/7 for a couple of yrs before I hit on opies. Now, I am way worse off after 2+ yrs on percs. now all I do is lay in bed. I have a husband & a 15 yr old son who need me but b/c of this crap, I just lie in bed, exhausted, depressed, fearful, and my only out is when I sleep. I feel pathetic. I am pathetic. Everyone around me is so strong & I am so weak. I am off the percs now but I feel worse. I'm scared & sad & feel like s***.

bval

Little word of advice for people struggling with relatively low dosages of opioids: QUIT NOW, because it WILL ONLY GET WORSE.

Back at my worst point in 2004, I could easily put away the equivalent of 90 percocets worth of oxycodone (in the form of OC's or Roxies) without batting an eye. I 'needed' to huff an OC80 (16 percocets worth of dope) just to friggin get up and about, and 'needed' about 240mg just to get through my day.

And guess what? I started out just like everyone else, where I used to occasionally 'party' with about 10 vikes, which would last me the whole weekend.

I cannot possibly impress upon you enough just how much WORSE this addiction will get if you don't get it under control before it gets 'bad'. And the easiest way to get it under control ... is through an organized program of recovery.

If you are at the point where you find it hard to function w/o your opioids, because you get w/d effects ... you are ALREADY IN TROUBLE my friend.

Don't put off recovery, or you WILL REGRET IT.