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I Don't Understand It..

Old 01-14-2012, 06:32 AM
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I Don't Understand It..

I've been reading threads about how people go cold turkey and somehow endure it. I really can't begin to fathom how that is even possible. Obviously it is, but right now i'm laying in bed (just starting day 2 of being clean) feeling like complete and utter shite. I barely got any sleep last night and i woke up to the worst diarrhea dump i've ever taken in my life. I have work in the afternoon and just thinking about it makes me want to punch a hole in the wall. The only good thing about going into work today is that i get paid, and getting paid means i can get my fix (DOC is 30mg Roxicets which i snort). I know that isn't a good outlook but i really can't keep feeling this way. I was taking suboxone and went 10 days clean. I also went to meetings but i still had the worst cravings imaginable - i finally gave in. Just thinking about getting the pills, crushing them up, blowing them and then having that drip makes me go nuts. There honestly isn't anything better than the taste of a roxicet drip. I feel very lost at this point. I really want to get clean but i can't imagine my life without pills. This might sound crazy but i feel like a better person when i'm high. It puts me in a great mood and makes me feel very energetic. Hell, i actually like going to work when i'm high. When i'm high at home i get a lot of stuff done that i know i wouldn't do if i was sober. When i'm sober i'm always in a bad mood and am non-productive. I'm 21 and know that this is no way to live and i got my whole life in front of me. I don't know what to do.. i'm lost..
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Old 01-14-2012, 06:56 AM
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I completely understand and I'm 41. I've detoxed cold turkey twice and tapered five times. I'm clean now but so damn depressed
and unmotivated and just UGH! I'v
e read this whole forum and I'm impressed with everyone who is motivated to stay clean. I'm clean now because I can't get anything if I could I would. But I don't want to live this way
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Old 01-14-2012, 07:04 AM
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(((Corleone))) - welcome to SR!! Though pills weren't my thing (crack was) there are a lot of people here who have battled with them.

Thing is, you may think life is soooo much better with them, but it's usually a lie. They may give you extra energy, lots of feel good feelings, but your tolerance will go up. You will need more and more to get the same feeling. Bad consequences WILL happen if you keep using. People have lost pretty much everything - jobs, freedom, relationships, and had health problems.

You're young, but if you read other posts here, you will see people who were addicted to various things for decades..I'm one of them. Nothing like being MY age (50) and having to start all over because I lost my nursing career (that WAS opiates, but I quit them with no withdrawal or problem, though I soon discovered crack), have spent time locked up, and though I'm working and back in school, I am still suffering the financial consequences, too.

I always said "I'll get clean later". Yeah, well "later" put me in a really bad mess. I hope you keep reading and posting here, and realize that the way the roxies make you feel is a lie. You're already thinking of getting more because you're sick without them. Trust me, it's going to get worse.

Withdrawals suck, no doubt (I've read enough stories here) but they don't last forever. You really do deserve to have a life that's not controlled by a drug.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-14-2012, 07:08 AM
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When I first came here, I was just looking to find out if anyone else had quit oxys cold turkey and survived. Then I found out how not-unique I really was. How I got addicted, why I stayed that way for awhile, and then what I went through to quit.

I've stuck around for a year plus, thinking maybe now I can be the person who helps others who come here with the same questions I had.

I've discovered I can't really help most addicts. I've discovered you really can't convince someone else to quit.

It's very simple, really. Until getting and staying clean becomes more attractive to you than using feels to you now, you aren't going to quit your drug. You may think you are "clean" when you don't use for awhile, but until you've made the decision to be a non-drinker and non-substance-abuser, you are merely a user in the agonizing state of suspended animation called "sober" or "clean" or whatever term you want to use for the substance not being in measurable levels in your blood.

In other words, you are still just a user who has paused momentarily. Nothing more, nothing less. Not bad, not good.

I hope eventually you'll grow tired of waking up dope sick and spending your life either thinking about, seeking, using, coming down, and then repeating the whole pattern over and over and over and over and over again.

Life's a whole lot better when you don't live like that.

I wish I could help you.

FT
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Old 01-14-2012, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Corleone View Post
I've been reading threads about how people go cold turkey and somehow endure it. I really can't begin to fathom how that is even possible. Obviously it is, but right now i'm laying in bed (just starting day 2 of being clean) feeling like complete and utter shite.
I really want to get clean but i can't imagine my life without pills. This might sound crazy but i feel like a better person when i'm high. It puts me in a great mood and makes me feel very energetic. Hell, i actually like going to work when i'm high. When i'm high at home i get a lot of stuff done that i know i wouldn't do if i was sober. When i'm sober i'm always in a bad mood and am non-productive. I'm 21 and know that this is no way to live and i got my whole life in front of me. I don't know what to do.. i'm lost..
I could of written those same words when I was your age.
Obviously it's totally possible to get through withdrawals. It's very much like having the flu along with a lot of anxiety. People have the "flu" all the time.
But what strike me is the way you are half enjoying everything still and half knowing that it's no way to live.

Till one side of that longing wins out, you might stay stuck for years where you are. What's fun now can literally ruin not only your life but others you love later on. Or you can be one of many who die.

Sometimes we have to change everything in live to make a new start. Friends, activities, how and when we clean the house/car, even where we shop....I'm a firm believer in surrounding yourself with people that have similar goals/morals/lifestyles.
my best to you

PS - on my most lazy, unmotivated, painful body days, I'd never want to go back to doing any substances. Everyone has 'bad' days. I didn't really get that when I was 21. :-)
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Old 01-14-2012, 07:58 AM
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Hey,

I went cold turkey off benzos and opiates in solitary confinement. It sucked, they wouldn't even flush my toilet let alone give me something for the diarrhea. You have an advantage, and that is the freedom to seek comfort. I have heard from others how various otc meds and techniques worked for them in the first week.
I wish you the best of luck, you will be in my prayers.
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Old 01-14-2012, 08:04 AM
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FT is absolutely, 100% correct. I'm currently battling vicodin and I've successfully battled alcohol, and what she says is true. The only thing that will make you quit is when the consequences outweigh the "benefits" of getting high.

Hopefully it will help you that there are so many people doing this (recovering) right along with you. I'm right there, too. You are so young! I wish I had never discovered vicodin and in a way, you're lucky that you are starting to realize you need to QUIT while you're so young. Good luck and keep posting.
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Old 01-14-2012, 11:09 AM
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You might not have experienced enough negative consequences yet. Let me tell you - I've been exactly where you are Corleone. I could have written exactly what you said. I can tell you it does not get any better - it will only get worse, much worse to the point where you will destroy your physical/mental/emotional health, relationships, job/finances and may end up in jail or even dead.

Take advantage of the experience of me, and many others here, and please reach out for help like your life depends on it, because it does. You will be doing yourself a big favor and saving yourself a lot of future misery. Just like you, I used to believe that using was the only way to kill my emotional pain and give me happiness. After being clean and sober for a while, I realize it was only a temporary pleasure that caused me intense pain and suffering in the long run.

It seems like you may realize this too by the fact that you are on this site and seem to be trying to quit. This can't be something you half-ass though, and it's way too hard to do on your own. You need support/help, so please get some, run with it, and take it one step at a time.

Do this for yourself and those that care about you. You are only 21, you have your entire life ahead of you - don't throw it away. You can really have a nice, happy (truly happy) and fulfilling life. Please keep us all posted on your progress.
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Old 01-14-2012, 01:40 PM
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What everyone else said ... in spades, and twice over.

You wanna know a 'secret' though dude? Staying clean/sober really comes down to a few simple principles. You can learn these principles at NA/AA, as well as some secular programs. Because your mind is strung out at this moment, and you're all depressed and craving ... it probably all seems impossible right now. But it's not ... staying clean is just about learning to control what you think about, and controlling the internal messages you send yourself. You CAN learn how to do this, anyone can. But it cannot begin until you suffer through the w/d's and get your head straight.

Good luck out there. Try not to drag this out too long, or you WILL end up in a HUGE WORLD of friggin hurt.
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