I need to get my life together
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
I need to get my life together
I feel that I need to start my own thread as I begin on this journey to get my life together. Most of you probably already know "my story" but I'm still going to start off with an introduction and where I am now.
I am a survivor of incest and physical/emotional abuse at the hands of my so called bio. "father" for 15 very, very long years. I suffer from Complex PTSD as a result. I won't go into details for fear of triggering some but every sick thing you can imagine, it happened. At the age of 17, I met my first b/f, Cory, and months into knowing each other I was a full blown IV heroin addict. I stole, lied and cheated my way thru that addiction. I was in and out of jail, only to return to the needle. Less than 6 months later, I was no longer getting high, I was using to function. I was introduced to speedballing and that was truly my downfall. I was arrested in Ohio on a possession charge and went to state prison for 9 months, that was June 13th, 2004. When released in March of '05, I never touched heroin again, I was fortunate to only have that charge. My ex bf was charged with armed robbery and did 5
years, only to return to MI to face 20+ years on other armed robbery charges. He was emotionally/physically very abusive the entire time we were together. I had self hatred that ran so deep, I believed that I couldn't do better. I was also in and out of psych hospitals every couple of months for years.
Fast forward to Sept. '05. I met my now husband. I jumped into the relationship without thinking. Confused as to what love really meant because I had known none. Conflicts arrised shortly thereafter revolving around his inability to hold down a job and his inability to in general respect me. I began drinking and dived heavily into it and quickly became reliant upon it to get thru each day. I was nothing short of miserable. I soon became familiar with benzos and opiates, mixing them with alcohol. I became pregnant before we married in '07.Since the birth of our daughter he has left me as a single mother and continued to do whatever the hell he wanted to. I resumed drinking shortly after the birth of Moira. I stopped drinking the day I was arrested for a DUI in '09. I continued to be on pain meds for numerous pain conditions that continued to get worse. Trying and failing to use my meds responsibly for a long time.
My daughter is now 4 and I now feel trapped in an unhappy marriage. I hold an incredible amount of resentment towards him.
I recently met the man of my dreams. I have fallen in love with him. I NOW know what true love really is. We connect on every level possible. I truly believe he is my soul mate and that I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with him. So you might wonder, where's the problem? I feel guilty. I would feel terrible taking our daughter away from him although he is, at best, minimally in her life. I would worry how he would end up on the streets. He had a good idea for a possible source of income and that has fallen to pieces. He also has barriers to gaining employment which I don't feel comfortable airing out here. I must find peace within myself and realize that I deserve to be happy and with the person I love so dearly. It hurts me inside when we do not speak, when he hurts - I hurt. When he struggles, I struggle. He never fails to put a smile on my face no matter how sh!!!y I may feel. I've never felt this way before in my life.
Anyways, right now I am still in pain management as it is critical and necessary because of the nature of my pain conditions. I've handed all my meds over to my husband but I still found a way around that and ended up abusing my Fentanyl patch a couple of times. Now I'm left to w/d until Sunday (at least), I'm on day 2. I have to make some changes but I'm terribly lost right now. My daughter needs me and deserves better...so do I but I sure as hell can't convince myself of that.
I have a couple of mental illnesses that I am battling/loosing and a lifetime of secrets and demons from my past...problems that have gone unresolved. I've got to get back on track so I can have my life back and start making the right decisions for myself and for my daughter's future. Mike wants to be in her life and I know he will love her as though she's his own. I know we have something really precious, really special and I cannot lose this chance of a lifetime.
I'm going to update as often as I feel necessary and hopefully I'll continue to have internet access. I need to have a safe place to go as I pick up all the broken pieces of my life, heart and mind. I need to get to a better place, I cannot continue to live like this.
-Jess
I am a survivor of incest and physical/emotional abuse at the hands of my so called bio. "father" for 15 very, very long years. I suffer from Complex PTSD as a result. I won't go into details for fear of triggering some but every sick thing you can imagine, it happened. At the age of 17, I met my first b/f, Cory, and months into knowing each other I was a full blown IV heroin addict. I stole, lied and cheated my way thru that addiction. I was in and out of jail, only to return to the needle. Less than 6 months later, I was no longer getting high, I was using to function. I was introduced to speedballing and that was truly my downfall. I was arrested in Ohio on a possession charge and went to state prison for 9 months, that was June 13th, 2004. When released in March of '05, I never touched heroin again, I was fortunate to only have that charge. My ex bf was charged with armed robbery and did 5
years, only to return to MI to face 20+ years on other armed robbery charges. He was emotionally/physically very abusive the entire time we were together. I had self hatred that ran so deep, I believed that I couldn't do better. I was also in and out of psych hospitals every couple of months for years.
Fast forward to Sept. '05. I met my now husband. I jumped into the relationship without thinking. Confused as to what love really meant because I had known none. Conflicts arrised shortly thereafter revolving around his inability to hold down a job and his inability to in general respect me. I began drinking and dived heavily into it and quickly became reliant upon it to get thru each day. I was nothing short of miserable. I soon became familiar with benzos and opiates, mixing them with alcohol. I became pregnant before we married in '07.Since the birth of our daughter he has left me as a single mother and continued to do whatever the hell he wanted to. I resumed drinking shortly after the birth of Moira. I stopped drinking the day I was arrested for a DUI in '09. I continued to be on pain meds for numerous pain conditions that continued to get worse. Trying and failing to use my meds responsibly for a long time.
My daughter is now 4 and I now feel trapped in an unhappy marriage. I hold an incredible amount of resentment towards him.
I recently met the man of my dreams. I have fallen in love with him. I NOW know what true love really is. We connect on every level possible. I truly believe he is my soul mate and that I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with him. So you might wonder, where's the problem? I feel guilty. I would feel terrible taking our daughter away from him although he is, at best, minimally in her life. I would worry how he would end up on the streets. He had a good idea for a possible source of income and that has fallen to pieces. He also has barriers to gaining employment which I don't feel comfortable airing out here. I must find peace within myself and realize that I deserve to be happy and with the person I love so dearly. It hurts me inside when we do not speak, when he hurts - I hurt. When he struggles, I struggle. He never fails to put a smile on my face no matter how sh!!!y I may feel. I've never felt this way before in my life.
Anyways, right now I am still in pain management as it is critical and necessary because of the nature of my pain conditions. I've handed all my meds over to my husband but I still found a way around that and ended up abusing my Fentanyl patch a couple of times. Now I'm left to w/d until Sunday (at least), I'm on day 2. I have to make some changes but I'm terribly lost right now. My daughter needs me and deserves better...so do I but I sure as hell can't convince myself of that.
I have a couple of mental illnesses that I am battling/loosing and a lifetime of secrets and demons from my past...problems that have gone unresolved. I've got to get back on track so I can have my life back and start making the right decisions for myself and for my daughter's future. Mike wants to be in her life and I know he will love her as though she's his own. I know we have something really precious, really special and I cannot lose this chance of a lifetime.
I'm going to update as often as I feel necessary and hopefully I'll continue to have internet access. I need to have a safe place to go as I pick up all the broken pieces of my life, heart and mind. I need to get to a better place, I cannot continue to live like this.
-Jess
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 80
Jess, Thank you for sharing this. I have no advice, i am trying to get my own life in order so it would be crazy of me to tell you what i think you should do, but i just wanted to wish you good luck.
It always saddens me to see others that have messed up their lives because some ******* decided to take something so precious and pure and turn it into a chaotic mess. I spent most of my life punishing myself for what i endured in my own Childhood and i believe i overcame the worst of it. It is still there i am sure, in the back of my head contributing to my lack of self control with drugs and alcohol. But it is no longer the big ugly monster it once was. I hope you can work though your secrets and demons, they will eat you alive if you don't let them out
Good Luck, you will make it through this.
It always saddens me to see others that have messed up their lives because some ******* decided to take something so precious and pure and turn it into a chaotic mess. I spent most of my life punishing myself for what i endured in my own Childhood and i believe i overcame the worst of it. It is still there i am sure, in the back of my head contributing to my lack of self control with drugs and alcohol. But it is no longer the big ugly monster it once was. I hope you can work though your secrets and demons, they will eat you alive if you don't let them out
Good Luck, you will make it through this.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Jess,
Just my experience: every man but the man I was with looked like a dream. I left many bad relationships for ones that turned out to be only marginally better, or worse. I had a broken picker. It wasn't until I was on my own for awhile, did some serious work on myself, and learned to be happy without anyone else to "complete" me that I was able to participate in a healthy relationship--until I knew what I had to give and what I was willing to receive from another human being.
Jumping out of one relationship and right into another never worked for me.
I've been happily married for almost seven years now, and I'm grateful for the time I had to myself. I was told once that I wasn't ready for a relationship until I didn't need one. Glad I listened.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Just my experience: every man but the man I was with looked like a dream. I left many bad relationships for ones that turned out to be only marginally better, or worse. I had a broken picker. It wasn't until I was on my own for awhile, did some serious work on myself, and learned to be happy without anyone else to "complete" me that I was able to participate in a healthy relationship--until I knew what I had to give and what I was willing to receive from another human being.
Jumping out of one relationship and right into another never worked for me.
I've been happily married for almost seven years now, and I'm grateful for the time I had to myself. I was told once that I wasn't ready for a relationship until I didn't need one. Glad I listened.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Thanks so much for your response tgif.
I wish you well on your journey of getting your life back together as well
I'm sorry you have suffered, childhood is supposed to be filled with memories of love and happiness...not sh*t. How did you move past most of it?
I know I must find a way to work thru my past because it has a LOT to do with my current situations for sure. These demons are eating me alive.
-Jess
I wish you well on your journey of getting your life back together as well
I'm sorry you have suffered, childhood is supposed to be filled with memories of love and happiness...not sh*t. How did you move past most of it?I know I must find a way to work thru my past because it has a LOT to do with my current situations for sure. These demons are eating me alive.
-Jess
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
Your story is quite compelling! Have you sought out an professional help? That would be my first recommendation.
Yesterday, I saw a Psychologist for the first time in my life (highly rated PHd). I was reluctant at first but later embraced the idea. I'm glad I did. Just the mere act of being about to "unload" with another human was a tremendous emotional emancipation. There are things from my past that haunt me to this day. Those things never could be discussed with ANYONE in my life. Even the one person I hold dearest to my heart - my wife.
SR has been a tremendous help with me "connecting" with others. SR mended some holes but can not hold back the entire dam for me.
Mind you, I speak for myself and myself only.
Yesterday, I saw a Psychologist for the first time in my life (highly rated PHd). I was reluctant at first but later embraced the idea. I'm glad I did. Just the mere act of being about to "unload" with another human was a tremendous emotional emancipation. There are things from my past that haunt me to this day. Those things never could be discussed with ANYONE in my life. Even the one person I hold dearest to my heart - my wife.
SR has been a tremendous help with me "connecting" with others. SR mended some holes but can not hold back the entire dam for me.
Mind you, I speak for myself and myself only.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Portland
Posts: 125
Jess, I applaud your bravery in sharing so much of your life. You posted on my thread and it definitely gave me inspiration and I want to be able to do the same for you. Good luck, and I will follow this thread and check your progress.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 80
I was in and out of therapy from my early teens, i have seen over a dozen different ones. I came to a point where i was so messed up and was put into therapy, it was that or be hospitalized so i figured at that time i would just manipulate the therapist, play her, do my 'time' with her and go back to my messed up life. I had become a pro at saying what they wanted to hear and avoiding dealing with what was killing me. I was lucky, very lucky that the woman i was sent to called me on my ********, knew i was playing games, she tore down my walls, helped me expose some of the most shameful secrets that i had locked deep down inside and made me laugh, cry and explore. It didn't happen overnight, it was a long process, one i quit a few times. Even when it was done i still messed up, still made terrible choices (and still do lol) but i am no longer afraid to just talk about the 'bad' things.
It is by far one of the hardest things i ever had to do. If you go to therapy, tell friends/family. It can get crazy and intense and you will need all the support and understanding you can get. There are also forums like this one that deal with Rape, Incest and other forms of abuse. If you do well in a place like this, go find a forum. Sometimes it is easier to explore our demons when we don't have a person watching us.
You have kept that monsters secrets for long enough, you need to set that little girl free. You will never be completely free of it but you can get to where it doesn't consume and control so much of your life.
It is by far one of the hardest things i ever had to do. If you go to therapy, tell friends/family. It can get crazy and intense and you will need all the support and understanding you can get. There are also forums like this one that deal with Rape, Incest and other forms of abuse. If you do well in a place like this, go find a forum. Sometimes it is easier to explore our demons when we don't have a person watching us.
You have kept that monsters secrets for long enough, you need to set that little girl free. You will never be completely free of it but you can get to where it doesn't consume and control so much of your life.
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Ivan, thank you for your response. I am currently in therapy and am under psychiatric care (have been for 11 years now, on meds) to help my Bipolar II and PTSD but unfortunately my symptoms are not being managed and I am too close to ending up in the psych ward again. I cannot seek other care because I am on state insurance and Medicare so my options are limited where I am at and I cannot go thru my Medicare cause I cannot afford my co-pays. I hate being poor. I appreciate the advice and support. I have a very dear friend that I mentioned in my post that I confide in and that in and of itself has done wonders being able to share and disclose some of the most horrific crap I've been thru...things I cannot even share with my husband.
Eff - How are you holding up? Congrats on your clean time btw, indeed an inspiration - that's awesome. I really appreciate the support and your response. It's great to have such wonderful support here
tgif - I'm currently in therapy myself but my therapist sucks. I need one that specializes in PTSD and trauma but I cannot afford to and my insurance won't cover it.
Leaves me stuck with an unqualified therapist which is hard but I keep going in vain. I'm refusing to give up even though I feel like I'm on the brink of losing my freakin mind. Thanks for sharing, I hope to be able to one day be in a place that you describe, having moved on from most of my past. As you suggested, I found another forum that deals with childhood abuse, maybe just maybe I will take something away from it all.
Afternoon update - My w/d's are bad. Real bad. Coming off of something as strong as Fentanyl and the length of time I've been on pain meds is making this a real hard time but I did it to myself. I need to make changes but it is certainly easier said than done. I draw strength of SR and am lucky I signed up last March for a couple of important reasons. Night time is always the worst for me. The restlessness that plagues my entire body drives me nuts. I'm taking a couple of vitamins but so far no luck with that.
I am looking forward to football this weekend, it will keep me occupied for the afternoon and evening. Love me some football. Wanna see my Patriots go to the Superbowl this year.
Of all times to be w/d'ing, I am without my greatest support Mike, since it's the weekend. Completely sucks. Listening to a lot of music to help me through, it does wonders.
Until later, I have nothing profound to say...just a bunch of jumbled words and thoughts I try to put into a sentence.
-Jess
Eff - How are you holding up? Congrats on your clean time btw, indeed an inspiration - that's awesome. I really appreciate the support and your response. It's great to have such wonderful support here
tgif - I'm currently in therapy myself but my therapist sucks. I need one that specializes in PTSD and trauma but I cannot afford to and my insurance won't cover it.
Leaves me stuck with an unqualified therapist which is hard but I keep going in vain. I'm refusing to give up even though I feel like I'm on the brink of losing my freakin mind. Thanks for sharing, I hope to be able to one day be in a place that you describe, having moved on from most of my past. As you suggested, I found another forum that deals with childhood abuse, maybe just maybe I will take something away from it all.Afternoon update - My w/d's are bad. Real bad. Coming off of something as strong as Fentanyl and the length of time I've been on pain meds is making this a real hard time but I did it to myself. I need to make changes but it is certainly easier said than done. I draw strength of SR and am lucky I signed up last March for a couple of important reasons. Night time is always the worst for me. The restlessness that plagues my entire body drives me nuts. I'm taking a couple of vitamins but so far no luck with that.
I am looking forward to football this weekend, it will keep me occupied for the afternoon and evening. Love me some football. Wanna see my Patriots go to the Superbowl this year.
Of all times to be w/d'ing, I am without my greatest support Mike, since it's the weekend. Completely sucks. Listening to a lot of music to help me through, it does wonders.
Until later, I have nothing profound to say...just a bunch of jumbled words and thoughts I try to put into a sentence.
-Jess
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Portland
Posts: 125
Thanks for asking Jess, Im feeling much better. 8 days in.... I hope everything is going okay for you.
Thats great that you love football, its definitely a great distraction. My fiancee was actually able to score some AFC championship tix for me and my brother. If the Pats beat the Tebows then Ill be going to gilette to watch the game! Hopefully they can pull off the V!
Thats great that you love football, its definitely a great distraction. My fiancee was actually able to score some AFC championship tix for me and my brother. If the Pats beat the Tebows then Ill be going to gilette to watch the game! Hopefully they can pull off the V!
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Ivan - thank you! Yes, I certainly realize I have great support here on SR
Eff - You're welcome. Yay! 8 days and the rest of your life ahead of you! Keep up the great work. Awww so jealous lol!! I can't get enough of football. Pats have gotta take down Tebow - not a fan ha. Enjoy
-Jess
Eff - You're welcome. Yay! 8 days and the rest of your life ahead of you!
Keep up the great work. Awww so jealous lol!! I can't get enough of football. Pats have gotta take down Tebow - not a fan ha. Enjoy -Jess
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
I ask for one freakin' thing from my husband, now known as George, to do the damn dishes while I w/d these several days. He couldn't do that. If I'm not already doing everything as it is. He is testing me and my strength, I'm realizing I'm stronger than I originally thought.
One thing is for sure - he is pushing me further away and making my decision to leave that much easier. Oh well, he'll realize what he had when he loses me. SO ticked right now. I'm going thru hell and all he can think about is stupid FB Farmville. A stupid game. FML.
A person can only take so much, isn't it time that I start looking out for ME and not everyone else?? My breaking point is closing in and I could care less about "working" ANYTHING out.
-Jess
One thing is for sure - he is pushing me further away and making my decision to leave that much easier. Oh well, he'll realize what he had when he loses me. SO ticked right now. I'm going thru hell and all he can think about is stupid FB Farmville. A stupid game. FML.
A person can only take so much, isn't it time that I start looking out for ME and not everyone else?? My breaking point is closing in and I could care less about "working" ANYTHING out.
-Jess
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 69
I'm very happy that you're doing everything in your power to make your life an exceptional one. Lots of people would have long ago given up in your circumstances. I find your story extremely inspirational. Thanks for sharing with us.
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Mind of destructive taste
Morning update:
I got no sleep last night, the damn restless body crap really gets to me and it is one of the most unpleasant physical w/d symptoms in my mind. My anxiety is thru the roof, the hot and cold flashes have somewhat subsided for right now, I have tremors in my hands and I'm so weak, dehydrated and light headed. Every time I get up from a sitting position, I lose my balance. All of you who have went c/t are already familiar with the nastiness that comes with w/d's but I'm just listing what is most bothersome to me right now. I can't eat or drink anything even though I know it would help me with the dehydration and restlessness. I'm dry heaving and throwing up stomach acid. Ugh.
I'm strongly considering what bval mentioned to me, asking my dr. about subs to control my pain well and not have to worry about abusing my medication. I have to find out if my insurance covers it first though because I can't afford paying out of pocket as we are living in poverty. Something to consider though.
Well, Moira is in a decent mood this morning but it never lasts. I really need to get the process started on her IEP's so she can be enrolled in public school as soon as possible. The school up the street has an Autism program and she'll have intensive therapy she desperately needs. I can no longer control her behaviors. I understand that regressions are part of Autism but it doesn't make it hurt any less. My heart hurts for her when I see her struggling with the stuff in her head and knowing I can't do a thing about it. Her aggression is worsening and she's developed quite a nasty attitude but that's obviously not part of Autism, typical children stuff. I can no longer physically handle her meltdowns and having to physically restrain her tears me apart. I feel so helpless.
I'm hoping Mike can come here on my thread and share his thoughts with everyone where it concerns our relationship. I've fallen in love for the first time because I have never felt this way - EVER. My idea of love was skewed for so long because I didn't know what love really meant. Now I am fortunate to experience the most intense love, happiness that I now feel. There's no doubt in my mind that he is my soul mate. I talked to my mom briefly about it and she has her concerns but she also understands that I cannot stay in my marriage if it continues down the road. I've been taken for granted and completely taken advantage of. All responsibility rests upon my shoulders and that is just not right. My resentments are building and I think too much damage has been done. I have next to no belief our marriage will improve, he has shown me nothing to make me think otherwise.
I'm looking forward to the end of the month when I will get some tax money so I can start building a new wardrobe, the next step to expressing myself. I have new glasses and piercings, I am going to dye my hair back to jet black, buy some awesome shoes and clothing...only thing missing is more tatts. I am tired of suppressing who I really am. I will post pics next month with my complete new look! It's going to be a combination of metal/punk/goth/grunge, I want a unique style that will allow me to stand out and be myself, no longer caring what anyone thinks of me. I get the "look" plenty of times because of my piercings mainly and it's not my concern - as long as I am happy with how I look that is all that matters.
Anyways, when things start settling down I am going to try and find a support group or two that will help me with the demons of my past. Issues that are LONG overdue on needing to be resolved. I also have a couple of workbooks I need to work my way thru to address the PTSD.
I'm shaking so badly right now so I am gonna go for now. This was a rambling post, sorry if it was too boring! I just need to get my thoughts out.
-Jess
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
Posts: 811
Dearest Jess,
I know you are suffering, and my heart goes out to you.
Are you beaten enough to work the 12 steps and recover, or are you going to keep trying to do things your way, where it sounds that desperate attempt after desperate attempt to manage, fix and control it all has fallen through the bottom? What if you could be happy, joyous and free, in the way I believe we were put on this earth to be? What if you could come alive from the inside out, instead of trying to change the way you feel from the outside in?
Step 1: "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable." Think about it. Is that true for you or not?
Surrender, through an admission to my innermost self, of complete defeat, was the beginning I needed. The next front was a series of specific actions, based on following clear-cut directions, that blazed the path to freedom. Resentment, self-pity, fear, dishonesty, justification and decisions based on self are absolute killers for an addict like me. There is a way out. If you don't accept it, I hope you can live with the paths you choose.
I am sending much love, and I sincerely hope the best for you in every way.
You and your family are in my prayers.
I know you are suffering, and my heart goes out to you.
Are you beaten enough to work the 12 steps and recover, or are you going to keep trying to do things your way, where it sounds that desperate attempt after desperate attempt to manage, fix and control it all has fallen through the bottom? What if you could be happy, joyous and free, in the way I believe we were put on this earth to be? What if you could come alive from the inside out, instead of trying to change the way you feel from the outside in?
Step 1: "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable." Think about it. Is that true for you or not?
Surrender, through an admission to my innermost self, of complete defeat, was the beginning I needed. The next front was a series of specific actions, based on following clear-cut directions, that blazed the path to freedom. Resentment, self-pity, fear, dishonesty, justification and decisions based on self are absolute killers for an addict like me. There is a way out. If you don't accept it, I hope you can live with the paths you choose.
I am sending much love, and I sincerely hope the best for you in every way.
You and your family are in my prayers.
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Poetry of mine
This is some of my poetry/poetic ramblings that I have written that I felt like sharing today, giving me somewhat of a distraction...bear with me! I'll just post 2 right now. Please keep in mind that I am NOT suicidal, these are older writings but still my reality today.
:::::
Sitting here. Chills consume my body. I cannot escape this fate. I don't know where I'm going. Don't know what I'm gonna do. How long I'm gonna live.
I'm not alive. Not enough. For you. For anyone. I don't know who I am. Not sure I could handle finding out.
Living in confusion. It's all a f***ing blur. Give up everything just to be okay. I've lost almost all that I have ever had and I'm left here in the middle of nowhere. Lost in this sea of s***. Left to wonder why it is that I am so effed up.
When will this end? Can't escape my body. Never rid myself. Cleanse myself. There is no such thing. I'm at my wits end. Everything is at my expense.
The music fading out. Coming to an end. I can't hear your words because I am too scared. Focus on all of you smiling. I can't do it. I can't smile anymore. Without it, I am not accepted. Banished once again.
I hate this life that I have always led. They are telling me now I'm gonna die. Laugh and spit onto my face. Sinking into my skin. I hate all I have never had. Hate because I cannot find it.
Caught between wanting to die, wanting to give in. Give up. Staying here to not disappoint. Finding I'm a disappointment anyways. Here because I love the torment. Love the pain, get lost in it. It's all I've ever known.
Surround myself amongst the angst that's killing me inside. I want to believe there is something out there for me. A reason for me to be. Sick of blindly walking down this road, trying to obtain the things I cannot see. Lying here. Sitting here. Swallow some pills to ease the pain.
Drag me down and laugh at me. Do it some more. I don't know what it's like to feel alive inside. So accustomed to being hurt. Dragged down. I don't know of anything else. Afraid to trust. Afraid to let you in. Superficial wounds, sure to disappear soon. Scarred inside. A hole in my heart that I cannot seem to fill.
Can't live without all these things that make me hate. Get away from me before you get dragged down too. I don't like it. Hate it. Need it. Hate it. Love it. So shamed. Sinned. Scarred. Bruised, battered and broken. Lost.
Another night turns to day. Calling to you as I am drowning. Clinging. Grasping blindly. I am left here with my life in broken pieces. Crying. Pleading desperately. So far gone. Swore that I would break away. Look at me now. Will I ever be able to see?
----------------------------------------
The shadows, they torment
They follow me around
I'm lost. I'm confused.
Can't find a way out
He lurks in the shadows
and pushes me down
I scream and I scream
But he can't hear a sound
He towers over me
as I shrink away
He follows me
Chases me
Night after day
He sits there just waiting
for me to break down
The voices.
His voice.
Echo in my head.
I'm worthless
I'm ugly. I'm fat.
And I'm stupid.
I can't escape
the noise in my mind
It's driving me insane.
I can't let him win
I'm terrified and terrorized.
Do I have the strength
to keep fighting this battle I'm losing?
No one can see
thru this daily facade
The wall is up
My disguise will not shatter.
The person beneath
is broken and shamed
Innocence ripped away.
My life is a lie
when I walk thru those doors
I get thru the days
to others composed
At night, alone I stand
My torment is revealed
All the dark shadows
follow me
Taunting me.
I remember you, father
You inflicted wounds upon me
that cannot be erased
You forced me into a chaotic mess
that I cannot clean up.
You took from me
something I cannot get back
You laugh at me
It's all just a game to you
You twisted, sickening b*stard.
There is so much pain
that's buried deep inside.
A little girl is screaming
I can't drown out her cries
I can't cope with this reality
so I live this lie and pretend
Push it all down
and suffer alone.
I wake each day
in fear of the next
I'm scared he'll find me
and be granted his final wish.
------------------------
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
More poems
I swear these are the last ones. It's helping me to write these out. Feel free to skip over them, it's therapeutic for me at the moment.
:::::::
Desire to isolate
Needing to disassociate
So lost
Running around
half dead
Dying slowly
as each day goes by
Not knowing who I am
My confusion distorts
the reality I run from
Not easy to face
Wanting to mutilate
my body
and destroy.
Burn away my skin
Not alone
but still empty within
A scared, terrified child
trapped within
She never had a chance
to grow inside
Refusal to let go
Try and pry my own hands away
All efforts end in vain
Addiction worsening
Look in the mirror
All I see is death
Just a shell of who I could've been.
-------------------------------
Cannot escape this reality
The reality that binds me
Reminded as if I could forget
I see his face
Aged and shriveled up
I feel nothing
Annoyed with the numbness
Not getting thru my head
Not registering and counteracting
fears held for years
Instead without hesitation
it's easier to shut down
The little girl collapses
to the ground
I, again, stand helpless
Questioning my sanity
Desperately wanting out
of this prison that I've built
This hell
This place
Fear of being lost without it
Logical
Twisted
Loss of something I've held
for so very long
Don't know who I truly am
When I'm lost
Gone. Shut down.
Cannot be reached
This battle within
Tearing me apart
Desire to keep fighting
But no energy to continue
To continue trying to overpower
all the demons in my head
Strength. Forced.
Struggling. I'm drowning.
Despite my efforts to stay above
the water, above the surface.
Slowly dying
Layne put it best:
"slow suicide's no way to go"
But where else do I turn
Running circles in my mind
Spending years searching
frantically for answers
to only hear
that it's within myself
How do I find it when
I'm losing my mind
and this fight
and have no chance to rest?
-------------------------------
Rain pours down upon me
Struggling
Slipping
Forced under
I am drowning
In a hell that was created
just for me
Maintained by me
For fear of being lost
Illogical as it may seems
A sane mind will never understand
Madness blankets you
Calming in a sense
that is sick and so very twisted
Past comprehension
Trading addiction for addiction
It all kills you in the end
Only a matter of time
It's hard to care when
you're running out of time
Losing your mind
Anything for relief
from this unimaginable pain
Desperate to quiet the voices
Screaming
Bleeding
Berating
Demeaning
Only desire is for peace of mind
and within my soul
Searching in all the wrong places
all leading to a dead end street
Disapproval is apparent
But it's the only way
that I have to remove myself
from the flames that are
burning thru my flesh
Eating away
Rotting soul
I'll do what it takes
until I gain some control
in the eyes of normality.
----------------------------------
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
-Jess
:::::::
Desire to isolate
Needing to disassociate
So lost
Running around
half dead
Dying slowly
as each day goes by
Not knowing who I am
My confusion distorts
the reality I run from
Not easy to face
Wanting to mutilate
my body
and destroy.
Burn away my skin
Not alone
but still empty within
A scared, terrified child
trapped within
She never had a chance
to grow inside
Refusal to let go
Try and pry my own hands away
All efforts end in vain
Addiction worsening
Look in the mirror
All I see is death
Just a shell of who I could've been.
-------------------------------
Cannot escape this reality
The reality that binds me
Reminded as if I could forget
I see his face
Aged and shriveled up
I feel nothing
Annoyed with the numbness
Not getting thru my head
Not registering and counteracting
fears held for years
Instead without hesitation
it's easier to shut down
The little girl collapses
to the ground
I, again, stand helpless
Questioning my sanity
Desperately wanting out
of this prison that I've built
This hell
This place
Fear of being lost without it
Logical
Twisted
Loss of something I've held
for so very long
Don't know who I truly am
When I'm lost
Gone. Shut down.
Cannot be reached
This battle within
Tearing me apart
Desire to keep fighting
But no energy to continue
To continue trying to overpower
all the demons in my head
Strength. Forced.
Struggling. I'm drowning.
Despite my efforts to stay above
the water, above the surface.
Slowly dying
Layne put it best:
"slow suicide's no way to go"
But where else do I turn
Running circles in my mind
Spending years searching
frantically for answers
to only hear
that it's within myself
How do I find it when
I'm losing my mind
and this fight
and have no chance to rest?
-------------------------------
Rain pours down upon me
Struggling
Slipping
Forced under
I am drowning
In a hell that was created
just for me
Maintained by me
For fear of being lost
Illogical as it may seems
A sane mind will never understand
Madness blankets you
Calming in a sense
that is sick and so very twisted
Past comprehension
Trading addiction for addiction
It all kills you in the end
Only a matter of time
It's hard to care when
you're running out of time
Losing your mind
Anything for relief
from this unimaginable pain
Desperate to quiet the voices
Screaming
Bleeding
Berating
Demeaning
Only desire is for peace of mind
and within my soul
Searching in all the wrong places
all leading to a dead end street
Disapproval is apparent
But it's the only way
that I have to remove myself
from the flames that are
burning thru my flesh
Eating away
Rotting soul
I'll do what it takes
until I gain some control
in the eyes of normality.
----------------------------------
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
-Jess
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