finaltime

50 days off the pills today...My body feels good, mind is still a constant battle but it's okay, at least I don't have to worry about finding pills every day. I haven't been 50 days sober from all substances, still drink occasionally, but 50 days away from my DOC feels really good. I started my post with guilt or shame because that is something I deal with daily. I truly know that to be completely in recovery and clean from all substances, and to ease all the rest I need to be active and learn about more why I chose to use etc. But for now I am trying to deal with all of this on my own. With a young baby I don't want to be gone at night going to meetings, and I live in a foreign country so the family support isn't there. SR is so good though. Ok, back to the shame/guilt. It seems like it would be so simple. If I don't use, I make better choices, I feel better about myself don't have all the guilt and shame. But daily I am faced with so many triggers. This is the hard part. I feel like if everything else in my life wasn't such a challenge right now, it might be easier to stay sober. But staying sober is what I need to do in order to help the other aspects of my life, and my using is a huge part of why the other parts of my life are hard. I am talking mainly about my relationship. So often though I would rather just say forget it and spend my nights high, then have to face the reality of what my life is right now. ugh. So tough. But then again I know I need to be sober to fix what I have created etc. So hard to lay in the bed we have created you know? So much easier said than done. I want to just make it all go away at times. The only way I can survive though is by staying clean and taking care of me and my family. It was those damn pills though that made life seem so much easier. All those years of daily use not even thinking about the nasty trail I was creating for my future. Owell, time to get off my soap box and deal with the problems. One day at a time....

lostgirl25

Good to see you back. You are doing great and doing it alone in a foreign country and yet facing it one day at a time. I've passed the 2 month mark and I too have such feelings of guilt and shame. I've accepted that only my future behavior will give me back my self respect. Every day gets better and I'm also a Mom and that relationship is my top priority. No options but total clean and sober. Keep posting.