amphetamine addiction... help me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
amphetamine addiction... help me
I’ll start by saying it’s very difficult for me to write this ... but I’m at a point where I need to do something. The past 6+ months of my life have made me realize that I am truly losing myself ... I’m not who I once was, I’m a shell of that person ... a strung out, dried up shell ... and it’s getting harder and harder as time slips away from me. I figure the first step I can take is to just be brutally honest with my story for once ... just get it all out and hope that someone, even just one person, has enough kindness/patience to get through my lengthy rambling and offer me any sort of advice on what to do next.
I am a 25-year-old female, and I guess you could say I’ve always been a “space cadet.” I’ve also had anxiety issues since my early youth but never pursued help for it. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of fourteen. At the time of my diagnosis I was prescribed Concerta, and I took it for years, but I never felt like it did much for me. Then, in late spring when I was twenty, my boyfriend had some Adderall XR he bought from a friend at our school, and one day he gave me one. I didn’t even know it was amphetamine at the time ... hell, I didn’t even really know/understand what amphetamine is ... all I know is I loved it. My boyfriend informed me that I could most likely get my own script for it, since I have ADHD. That summer, I was at my doctor’s office and asked him if I could try Adderall. He started me off at 5 mg XR/day, and by the time the fall semester began I was prescribed 20 mg XR/day.
I was student teaching, and I took my 20 mg once a day in the morning, just as prescribed, that whole semester. My motivation and interest in my work skyrocketed times a million ... I did the absolute best I could at every single thing and felt confident and content all the while. Things that used to be a major struggle (getting moving in the morning, concentrating in class, socializing, giving presentations etc.) were now a total breeze. I was always overweight for the majority of my middle school/high school/early college years, and I’ve always struggled with a bit of a binge eating problem, so I loved the way Adderall made my appetite vanish. I’m also a smoker, and the amount of cigarettes I smoked a day seemed to double once I started the meds ... they just tasted so damn good on Adderall, a lot like how alcohol makes cigs taste better.
As much as the things I described above should’ve seemed like “red flags”, they didn’t, because it was just the beginning. Things like feeling like Superwoman, not wanting to eat and delicious tasting cigarettes were just little “perks” that came with a simple pill I took each day ... back then, four years ago, for the most part that’s all it really was ... a pill. It didn’t have its claws in me yet. When the semester ended I took some time off from college and went to work at a daycare full time for the next 8 months. I was therefore kicked off my parents’ insurance for that time period, and I made the decision that I didn’t even really need Adderall everyday anymore ... I was just working. I got two refills that whole 8 month period (cost nearly $200 each time) and I took it maybe once or twice a week, if that.
Jump to that fall, a little over 3 years ago, I went back to school to get my Bachelors in education and continued working part time at the daycare. I was back on my parents’ insurance and went to my new doctor to ask for Adderall once again ... I told her I was very stressed/overwhelmed and needed help focusing ... she handed me a script for 30 mg XR, and she’s been handing me that script every month ever since.
For the first few weeks I took it every morning as prescribed, just like before. And each morning it was like putting on bliss-colored glasses and taking on the world with a single hand. I’m not sure if it was the higher dose or what, but the euphoria that comes with Adderall had never affected me so intensely. My boyfriend was an alcoholic and we fought all the time, but no matter how bad it had been between us the night before, that pill each morning made the bad feelings go away. My life could be falling apart at the seams and it wouldn’t matter, I’d still be happy as a pip ... no matter what was ahead of me each day, I had something to make me an untouchable superstar.
...This is when I began to learn that what goes up must come down. The amphetamine “comedown” that people talk about was never really an issue for me when I first started the meds ... but it was now. That’s when I began taking an extra 10-15 mg in the afternoon when I “needed” it ... and that eventually led to a third dose of about 5 mg on really long days. But no matter how much I took I still had to come down at some point, which meant I needed something to come down with ... this sparked other addictions (marijuana and alcohol). I made up for the extra doses by not taking my meds on weekends, sometimes I’d even go without them if I just had to work one day but didn’t have school. Believe it or not, things still weren’t that bad yet.
That spring I was still a bit overweight despite being on 30 mg for about 8 months (probably the alcohol and pigging out at night when my appetite came back). My boyfriend was a rather mean person sometimes and basically bullied me into going on a diet. I lost about fifteen pounds by July, then one day after being together 2 and a half years (we had an apartment and everything) he broke up with me over a fight that wasn’t even my fault.
...And that is when you could say it got bad. The pain from our break-up was so unbearable that I quickly fell into a pattern of wanting to be ****** up constantly. I basically gave myself permission to just lose myself. This is the point of my life where Adderall became a crutch ... my main goal when taking it was to put up that wall that didn’t let negative emotions in. I’d take high doses and go smoke pot with my friends ... they knew I took Adderall and perhaps that I liked it a bit too much, but they had no idea to what extent I was abusing it ... nobody did.
I used to try to make myself eat throughout the day when on my meds but I didn’t anymore. By mid-fall I was skinnier than I’ve ever been. I was still in school and working, and I’d take three doses of various amounts almost everyday during the week. I’d purposely take the last dose so late in the afternoon that by the time it wore off I’d be stoned and ready to pass out anyway, then wake up and do it all again. With all the **** going on, mainly the break-up, it was so comforting to know that everyday was going to be an adventure and that I never had to feel bad. I felt beautiful for once in my life after losing so much weight, I had never felt so confident and no matter where I was I strutted around like I owned the place. I smoked 25-30 cigarettes almost everyday. I’d drink ridiculous amounts of caffeine to kick up my speed buzz. My alcohol use decreased but I developed a strong dependency on pot that I’d never had before. While I always made sure to never completely run out, I’d have to stretch my Adderall the last week or so each month and I spent too much time obsessively counting my pills. I began experiencing severe anxiety on “Refill Day”... I’d go to pick up my script and panic the whole time that something would go wrong and I wouldn’t get my speed.
I knew what I was doing wasn’t good for me, but I was only 23... I figured I was just young and living it up ... I’d stop the Adderall and all the other **** when I graduated college. My boyfriend and I eventually got back together despite how toxic we knew it was, and I graduated with my Bachelors last May. But I didn’t stop Adderall.
A few weeks after graduating I was working full time again at the daycare, and they tried to send me for a random drug test. I had to go for one the previous summer and failed for pot, they made me go to a rehab program before coming back to work (I spent weeks going to counseling/groups and talking about how I was no longer smoking herb, when really I was just smoking that synthetic **** that doesn’t show up on drug tests). The whole thing was embarrassing, and I knew I wouldn’t pass a drug test this time either, so I quit. Walked out of my job of four years like it was nothing. I had a new bottle of pills, $1000 in my account and 1/2 ounce of weed at home. I figured I could take a little “vacation” and have a better job within a couple of weeks.
Well, here I am, about seven months later. The past seven months are such a blur and I really feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve had a handful of interviews since I quit my job but they all went to **** ... aside from substitute teaching once in a great while I still don’t work and have no income. My boyfriend and I broke up for good a few months ago, I now live with my dysfunctional family in a middle of nowhere town and do the same thing almost everyday: wake up, pop some speed, smoke pot nonstop and isolate myself in my room while I chain smoke cigs and do meaningless little things. If I don’t have pot (which is often the case lately) I am an anxious mess... I’ll do things like search every inch of my room for specks of weed, spend hours scraping 3rd generation resin from my pipe... and I end up drinking. I’ll drink 1.5 liter bottles of wine to my face and wake up the next day without even a hint of a hangover.
Seven months of being ****** up almost constantly and taking speed when there’s no reason to be taking it has screwed my brain up so badly it truly saddens me just to think about it. I’ve always been a bit socially anxious but now it’s so bad that sometimes I even have a hard time buying cigarettes, and I know it’s seriously impacting my motivation to get a real job. Adderall still helps me concentrate... but on negative things. When I’m on Adderall in public now I am always convinced people are staring at me and noticing how awkward I am. When I’m with friends in public it’s even worse, because I feel they of all people can sense my discomfort and anxiety. On several occasions I’ve gotten so worked up that I really will start to shake/twitch like a strung out paranoid meth head or something... it’s horribly embarrassing... and sad.
I’m actually at the point that I don’t even take Adderall on weekends when I’m staying with my friends. It used to make me so confident and eager to socialize, now it does the exact opposite. After all these months of taking it for no reason then isolating myself, that’s what my brain has grown to associate it with. It’s funny because when I don’t take it on weekends, I often find myself saying “WHY am I still taking that crap... I FEEL FINE.” Sure I may not have as much energy, everything may not be exciting, and I may eat way more... But so ******* what?
Telling myself I feel fine without it isn’t enough though. It’s like there’s a demon in me that wants to keep taking it even though it’s way past the point of “enough is enough.” I feel so ******* trapped. So much **** has happened over the past few months that I haven’t properly dealt with because I just bury it. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I literally stand there and say “Who the **** are you?” The eyes staring back at me are not mine, yet I can almost see little parts of what used to be me trapped behind them pleading with me to get my ******* life together. I look so strung out sometimes... I’m 25 yet there are days I look at myself and swear I could pass for mid-30s.
There’s so much more I could say, but I think I’ve made my point: this **** has got me by the throat, and I need to get a grip before it’s too late. No more saying I’m gonna do it... I need to do it. But how? Where do I go from here?
I am a 25-year-old female, and I guess you could say I’ve always been a “space cadet.” I’ve also had anxiety issues since my early youth but never pursued help for it. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of fourteen. At the time of my diagnosis I was prescribed Concerta, and I took it for years, but I never felt like it did much for me. Then, in late spring when I was twenty, my boyfriend had some Adderall XR he bought from a friend at our school, and one day he gave me one. I didn’t even know it was amphetamine at the time ... hell, I didn’t even really know/understand what amphetamine is ... all I know is I loved it. My boyfriend informed me that I could most likely get my own script for it, since I have ADHD. That summer, I was at my doctor’s office and asked him if I could try Adderall. He started me off at 5 mg XR/day, and by the time the fall semester began I was prescribed 20 mg XR/day.
I was student teaching, and I took my 20 mg once a day in the morning, just as prescribed, that whole semester. My motivation and interest in my work skyrocketed times a million ... I did the absolute best I could at every single thing and felt confident and content all the while. Things that used to be a major struggle (getting moving in the morning, concentrating in class, socializing, giving presentations etc.) were now a total breeze. I was always overweight for the majority of my middle school/high school/early college years, and I’ve always struggled with a bit of a binge eating problem, so I loved the way Adderall made my appetite vanish. I’m also a smoker, and the amount of cigarettes I smoked a day seemed to double once I started the meds ... they just tasted so damn good on Adderall, a lot like how alcohol makes cigs taste better.
As much as the things I described above should’ve seemed like “red flags”, they didn’t, because it was just the beginning. Things like feeling like Superwoman, not wanting to eat and delicious tasting cigarettes were just little “perks” that came with a simple pill I took each day ... back then, four years ago, for the most part that’s all it really was ... a pill. It didn’t have its claws in me yet. When the semester ended I took some time off from college and went to work at a daycare full time for the next 8 months. I was therefore kicked off my parents’ insurance for that time period, and I made the decision that I didn’t even really need Adderall everyday anymore ... I was just working. I got two refills that whole 8 month period (cost nearly $200 each time) and I took it maybe once or twice a week, if that.
Jump to that fall, a little over 3 years ago, I went back to school to get my Bachelors in education and continued working part time at the daycare. I was back on my parents’ insurance and went to my new doctor to ask for Adderall once again ... I told her I was very stressed/overwhelmed and needed help focusing ... she handed me a script for 30 mg XR, and she’s been handing me that script every month ever since.
For the first few weeks I took it every morning as prescribed, just like before. And each morning it was like putting on bliss-colored glasses and taking on the world with a single hand. I’m not sure if it was the higher dose or what, but the euphoria that comes with Adderall had never affected me so intensely. My boyfriend was an alcoholic and we fought all the time, but no matter how bad it had been between us the night before, that pill each morning made the bad feelings go away. My life could be falling apart at the seams and it wouldn’t matter, I’d still be happy as a pip ... no matter what was ahead of me each day, I had something to make me an untouchable superstar.
...This is when I began to learn that what goes up must come down. The amphetamine “comedown” that people talk about was never really an issue for me when I first started the meds ... but it was now. That’s when I began taking an extra 10-15 mg in the afternoon when I “needed” it ... and that eventually led to a third dose of about 5 mg on really long days. But no matter how much I took I still had to come down at some point, which meant I needed something to come down with ... this sparked other addictions (marijuana and alcohol). I made up for the extra doses by not taking my meds on weekends, sometimes I’d even go without them if I just had to work one day but didn’t have school. Believe it or not, things still weren’t that bad yet.
That spring I was still a bit overweight despite being on 30 mg for about 8 months (probably the alcohol and pigging out at night when my appetite came back). My boyfriend was a rather mean person sometimes and basically bullied me into going on a diet. I lost about fifteen pounds by July, then one day after being together 2 and a half years (we had an apartment and everything) he broke up with me over a fight that wasn’t even my fault.
...And that is when you could say it got bad. The pain from our break-up was so unbearable that I quickly fell into a pattern of wanting to be ****** up constantly. I basically gave myself permission to just lose myself. This is the point of my life where Adderall became a crutch ... my main goal when taking it was to put up that wall that didn’t let negative emotions in. I’d take high doses and go smoke pot with my friends ... they knew I took Adderall and perhaps that I liked it a bit too much, but they had no idea to what extent I was abusing it ... nobody did.
I used to try to make myself eat throughout the day when on my meds but I didn’t anymore. By mid-fall I was skinnier than I’ve ever been. I was still in school and working, and I’d take three doses of various amounts almost everyday during the week. I’d purposely take the last dose so late in the afternoon that by the time it wore off I’d be stoned and ready to pass out anyway, then wake up and do it all again. With all the **** going on, mainly the break-up, it was so comforting to know that everyday was going to be an adventure and that I never had to feel bad. I felt beautiful for once in my life after losing so much weight, I had never felt so confident and no matter where I was I strutted around like I owned the place. I smoked 25-30 cigarettes almost everyday. I’d drink ridiculous amounts of caffeine to kick up my speed buzz. My alcohol use decreased but I developed a strong dependency on pot that I’d never had before. While I always made sure to never completely run out, I’d have to stretch my Adderall the last week or so each month and I spent too much time obsessively counting my pills. I began experiencing severe anxiety on “Refill Day”... I’d go to pick up my script and panic the whole time that something would go wrong and I wouldn’t get my speed.
I knew what I was doing wasn’t good for me, but I was only 23... I figured I was just young and living it up ... I’d stop the Adderall and all the other **** when I graduated college. My boyfriend and I eventually got back together despite how toxic we knew it was, and I graduated with my Bachelors last May. But I didn’t stop Adderall.
A few weeks after graduating I was working full time again at the daycare, and they tried to send me for a random drug test. I had to go for one the previous summer and failed for pot, they made me go to a rehab program before coming back to work (I spent weeks going to counseling/groups and talking about how I was no longer smoking herb, when really I was just smoking that synthetic **** that doesn’t show up on drug tests). The whole thing was embarrassing, and I knew I wouldn’t pass a drug test this time either, so I quit. Walked out of my job of four years like it was nothing. I had a new bottle of pills, $1000 in my account and 1/2 ounce of weed at home. I figured I could take a little “vacation” and have a better job within a couple of weeks.
Well, here I am, about seven months later. The past seven months are such a blur and I really feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve had a handful of interviews since I quit my job but they all went to **** ... aside from substitute teaching once in a great while I still don’t work and have no income. My boyfriend and I broke up for good a few months ago, I now live with my dysfunctional family in a middle of nowhere town and do the same thing almost everyday: wake up, pop some speed, smoke pot nonstop and isolate myself in my room while I chain smoke cigs and do meaningless little things. If I don’t have pot (which is often the case lately) I am an anxious mess... I’ll do things like search every inch of my room for specks of weed, spend hours scraping 3rd generation resin from my pipe... and I end up drinking. I’ll drink 1.5 liter bottles of wine to my face and wake up the next day without even a hint of a hangover.
Seven months of being ****** up almost constantly and taking speed when there’s no reason to be taking it has screwed my brain up so badly it truly saddens me just to think about it. I’ve always been a bit socially anxious but now it’s so bad that sometimes I even have a hard time buying cigarettes, and I know it’s seriously impacting my motivation to get a real job. Adderall still helps me concentrate... but on negative things. When I’m on Adderall in public now I am always convinced people are staring at me and noticing how awkward I am. When I’m with friends in public it’s even worse, because I feel they of all people can sense my discomfort and anxiety. On several occasions I’ve gotten so worked up that I really will start to shake/twitch like a strung out paranoid meth head or something... it’s horribly embarrassing... and sad.
I’m actually at the point that I don’t even take Adderall on weekends when I’m staying with my friends. It used to make me so confident and eager to socialize, now it does the exact opposite. After all these months of taking it for no reason then isolating myself, that’s what my brain has grown to associate it with. It’s funny because when I don’t take it on weekends, I often find myself saying “WHY am I still taking that crap... I FEEL FINE.” Sure I may not have as much energy, everything may not be exciting, and I may eat way more... But so ******* what?
Telling myself I feel fine without it isn’t enough though. It’s like there’s a demon in me that wants to keep taking it even though it’s way past the point of “enough is enough.” I feel so ******* trapped. So much **** has happened over the past few months that I haven’t properly dealt with because I just bury it. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I literally stand there and say “Who the **** are you?” The eyes staring back at me are not mine, yet I can almost see little parts of what used to be me trapped behind them pleading with me to get my ******* life together. I look so strung out sometimes... I’m 25 yet there are days I look at myself and swear I could pass for mid-30s.
There’s so much more I could say, but I think I’ve made my point: this **** has got me by the throat, and I need to get a grip before it’s too late. No more saying I’m gonna do it... I need to do it. But how? Where do I go from here?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Supernova
I have no real experience with amphetamines but I know you'll find great support and advice here.
If you're in the US this website might help put you in touch with local resources
2-1-1 Call Center Search
here are some US phone contacts too
Welcome to SR
D
I have no real experience with amphetamines but I know you'll find great support and advice here.
If you're in the US this website might help put you in touch with local resources
2-1-1 Call Center Search
here are some US phone contacts too
The National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service available at 1-800-662-HELP. This service can provide you with information about treatment programs in your local community and allow you to speak with someone about alcohol problems
Hopeline-dot-com has free 1-800 line that will connect any caller in the US who needs help to a certified crisis center nearest the caller's location. Services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The number is:
1- 800-784-2433
Hopeline-dot-com has free 1-800 line that will connect any caller in the US who needs help to a certified crisis center nearest the caller's location. Services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The number is:
1- 800-784-2433
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Murfreesboro,TN
Posts: 16
Hey, I definately know where your coming from I was on Adderall for years opiates and benzos. So I do know how you feel. I only got 4mths sober but I feel sooooo much better than i ever have high! Dnt know where the energy comes from anymore, but i am finally able to play with my kids w/o pills. It was hard for the first couple weeks, but once i got a good month in I felt so much better. I know I didnt do it tho, going to AA meetings and getting a sponsor to help me get a relationship w/ my higher power(God) is whats keeping me sober!!!!! One Day@ A Time!!!!!!!! Good Luck Keep on keepin on
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
thanks so much to both ppl who replied, i was so worried my post was too long for anyone to get through lol.
sissy1980m- your words were inspiring to me, especially when u say u have energy that u dont know where it comes from... that means more than u know b/c thats my main problem... i want to have "natural energy" again, like i used to. one of the main problems ive noticed after being on adderalll all these years is how different life is when sober. And it shouldn't seem different... but it does. **** i used to rock out to music in my car all the time back in the day and now if im not on adderall i dont even want to have music on for the most part. You also mentioned playing with your kids... I've been working w/ kids for 10 yrs got into the early childhood field when i was 15 and it is so pathetic to me that I need adderall to do it now when its something ive enjoyed since I was practically a kid myself. Adderall takes away your appreciation for beauty and everyday pleasures that most ppl can enjoy perfectly sober... thats all i want, to feel normal sober again and to appreciate it.
sissy1980m- your words were inspiring to me, especially when u say u have energy that u dont know where it comes from... that means more than u know b/c thats my main problem... i want to have "natural energy" again, like i used to. one of the main problems ive noticed after being on adderalll all these years is how different life is when sober. And it shouldn't seem different... but it does. **** i used to rock out to music in my car all the time back in the day and now if im not on adderall i dont even want to have music on for the most part. You also mentioned playing with your kids... I've been working w/ kids for 10 yrs got into the early childhood field when i was 15 and it is so pathetic to me that I need adderall to do it now when its something ive enjoyed since I was practically a kid myself. Adderall takes away your appreciation for beauty and everyday pleasures that most ppl can enjoy perfectly sober... thats all i want, to feel normal sober again and to appreciate it.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,890
supernova70, welcome to SR. I know all about being addicted to amphetamines and methamphetamine. I used for 25+ years and it was not easy kicking that type of addiction. I started my speed addiction as a late teen when I was diagnosed with ADD. I quickly moved into Dr. shopping to get to abundant RX prescriptions of more speed. Not long after that I discovered Meth.
Its been 6 or so years since I used speed in any form. Along with my other addictions, as I was a poly-addicted to various harmful substances. Putting together an addiction treatment plan/practice has helped me far more than I could have done on my own with what I knew about recovery, which was little or nothing.
Bellow are some very good recovery tools that can help you put together a recovery plan/practice along with your continued participation here at SR. Keep posting here and welcome to a better way to live without drugs
. You can do this!SMART Tools and SMART Articles
Narcotics Anonymous White Book
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Recovery Resources from cbtrecovery.com
Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (Google book preview including the Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)
Narcotics Anonymous White Book
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Recovery Resources from cbtrecovery.com
Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (Google book preview including the Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 71
Hi Supernova -
I read your post last night before I went to bed and have thought about it a lot today - amphetamines weren't my DOC, Oxy's were - but in the beginning, Oxy's made me feel the way that the amphetamines made you feel. It didn't take long for that to change - crazy how they lure you in, huh?
I just wanted to let you know that my prayers are with you and that I am pulling for you to turn things around. It is funny that you mention rocking out in your car to music - I can remember doing the same before - and you will do it again.
My best to you -
AEIOU
I read your post last night before I went to bed and have thought about it a lot today - amphetamines weren't my DOC, Oxy's were - but in the beginning, Oxy's made me feel the way that the amphetamines made you feel. It didn't take long for that to change - crazy how they lure you in, huh?
I just wanted to let you know that my prayers are with you and that I am pulling for you to turn things around. It is funny that you mention rocking out in your car to music - I can remember doing the same before - and you will do it again.
My best to you -
AEIOU
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South Florida
Posts: 54
read this story i couldn't help but see myself in your shoes. i'm 30 and used to LOVE my adderall only i never had a script for it. my gf had a script for 20mg xr as well as an additional script for 10mg to take later in the afternoon once the 20mg wore off.
when i first started messing with the stuff i was in college and it really helped me with my school work. it helped me socially, and the euphoria i experienced was awesome as well. i used to love doing cocaine but i began hating cocaine and i found the adderall gave me a similar effect without the intense withdrawal.
everything just seemed better with adderall and i always had a ton of pot to smoke while i was using it to help with the anxiety. the only problem is eventually the pills started having the complete opposite effect on me. i would be extremely pissy and moody if i didn't have my pills. i lost a lot of weight because i wouldn't eat and i'm skinny to begin with.
eventually everything always lead me to being locked in my room with my drugs and not wanting to be bothered with anyone. it would be like i would cross this invisible line. i would start off having fun but then this line would be crossed and i would only want to be by myself with my speed, in my room. don't get me started on the resin scraping because i would spend HOURS doing this for the smallest inkling of a hit.
i remember when cocaine was heavily abused in my home i would crawl around on the carpet when everyone left with a black light and i would use tweezers to pick up pieces that would fall from the table and usually i would be able to get just enough to sniff a bump....just stupid stupid behavior that just wouldn't be present if i wasn't taking those stupid ass pills or snorting cocaine.
it's all evil and you have to ask yourself if adderall is something you really need at this point in your life. i found after i left school i was only really taking them to take them for the high and not for what they are intended to be used for.
i think it's important to possibly seek out a meeting and find someone you can speak to in the meeting for help as well. especially in NA someone will relate to this story. i know i did yesterday when i read this on my way home from work. i take the bus so it was a great read for me.
i've been thinking about you ever since and couldn't wait to share with you my small experience with the stuff. please take care of yourself and get to a meeting and def use sober recovery. this site really really saved me this week and i've found myself becoming obsessed with it....
you're doing great. you made the first step and you're trying to get help. keep coming back!
when i first started messing with the stuff i was in college and it really helped me with my school work. it helped me socially, and the euphoria i experienced was awesome as well. i used to love doing cocaine but i began hating cocaine and i found the adderall gave me a similar effect without the intense withdrawal.
everything just seemed better with adderall and i always had a ton of pot to smoke while i was using it to help with the anxiety. the only problem is eventually the pills started having the complete opposite effect on me. i would be extremely pissy and moody if i didn't have my pills. i lost a lot of weight because i wouldn't eat and i'm skinny to begin with.
eventually everything always lead me to being locked in my room with my drugs and not wanting to be bothered with anyone. it would be like i would cross this invisible line. i would start off having fun but then this line would be crossed and i would only want to be by myself with my speed, in my room. don't get me started on the resin scraping because i would spend HOURS doing this for the smallest inkling of a hit.
i remember when cocaine was heavily abused in my home i would crawl around on the carpet when everyone left with a black light and i would use tweezers to pick up pieces that would fall from the table and usually i would be able to get just enough to sniff a bump....just stupid stupid behavior that just wouldn't be present if i wasn't taking those stupid ass pills or snorting cocaine.
it's all evil and you have to ask yourself if adderall is something you really need at this point in your life. i found after i left school i was only really taking them to take them for the high and not for what they are intended to be used for.
i think it's important to possibly seek out a meeting and find someone you can speak to in the meeting for help as well. especially in NA someone will relate to this story. i know i did yesterday when i read this on my way home from work. i take the bus so it was a great read for me.
i've been thinking about you ever since and couldn't wait to share with you my small experience with the stuff. please take care of yourself and get to a meeting and def use sober recovery. this site really really saved me this week and i've found myself becoming obsessed with it....
you're doing great. you made the first step and you're trying to get help. keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Kansas
Posts: 2
Supernova, thank you so much for this incredible post. Your story so closely resembles my own relationship with adderall it's startling. Today marked my first honest attempt at breaking free of these self-imposed chains. I hope with all of my being that the past year has been victorious for you.
-In solidarity sister
-In solidarity sister
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Wow. Your story really struck a chord with me, it reminded me so much of my own amphetamine/methamphetamine addiction in my early 20s. Especially the bit you wrote about how it makes you feel now compared to when you started. It's such a trap. At first it makes you feel on top of the world, confident, energetic....then it gets you. I remember literally hearing people's thoughts towards me, I'd imagine they were saying evil things about me, etc. Id hide behind curtains in my house, have psycho attacks at people etc. it's like it takes over your mind. It's the enemy. Once I started shooting it up it all got so much worse, I always thought I was dying but kept wanting it. Crazy.
And what you said about searching the house for drugs. The lengths we go to when we haven't got any. I remember washing out empty clippy bags over and over again and injecting the water incase there was a trace of the drug left. I haven't touched it for 13 years now but am back in early recovery due to other drugs and alcohol.
Anyway. Please keep posting. I'm only new too and have found it amazing that people actually get it! There are real people here who understand completely. Amazing. Best of luck. Thanks for sharing your story, you can recover from amphetamine addiction.
And what you said about searching the house for drugs. The lengths we go to when we haven't got any. I remember washing out empty clippy bags over and over again and injecting the water incase there was a trace of the drug left. I haven't touched it for 13 years now but am back in early recovery due to other drugs and alcohol.
Anyway. Please keep posting. I'm only new too and have found it amazing that people actually get it! There are real people here who understand completely. Amazing. Best of luck. Thanks for sharing your story, you can recover from amphetamine addiction.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Oh. And I would definitely recommend a rehab or at least detox and then NA meetings and counselling if possible. It's hard learning to live without drugs and cope with all the emotional, mental and physical aspects of withdrawal and recovery.
Keep us posted.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 87
Adderall Addiction
Hi...I myself had an adderall addiction for six years. That does not include the pot, meth, crack and alcohol I used before. I have been sober now for 2 1/2 years. You're story was so much like mine. Started out simple and then after so long...it just don't work. I developed psychosis with mine and lived that way for 4 years...even after getting sober I still had the psychosis and had to take medication for a while for it to stop.
Adderall is prescription meth and it takes a toll on you mentally, physically, and spiritually.....You become a shell.
How I got sober was I found the Alcoholics Anonymous Book laying at a place of employment and picked it up to read it. I didn't realize I truely had a problem...but after reading a few chapters, I surrendered and two days later I was admitted into a 30 day treatment facility.
I got me a sponsor....went to meetings, got involved in service work and started working the steps and on a journey of living a new way of life. My old life quit working and and was no good for me. Things are starting to look up...
I am glad you are reaching out..........Goodluck girl and take care.
Adderall is prescription meth and it takes a toll on you mentally, physically, and spiritually.....You become a shell.
How I got sober was I found the Alcoholics Anonymous Book laying at a place of employment and picked it up to read it. I didn't realize I truely had a problem...but after reading a few chapters, I surrendered and two days later I was admitted into a 30 day treatment facility.
I got me a sponsor....went to meetings, got involved in service work and started working the steps and on a journey of living a new way of life. My old life quit working and and was no good for me. Things are starting to look up...
I am glad you are reaching out..........Goodluck girl and take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I was addicted to methylphenidate... pretty seriously so, for more years than I let myself remember sometimes.
I have been able to get into a state of mind and serenity where I don't miss them. But it was hard... and what I want to say to you... is that it didn't just happen, it was not that I woke up one day and felt great and grateful to be free of them. No, It took work for me... to find the meaning in my life that I thought I found in those damn pills.
Don't give up, there is a solution. I found it, but I had to look.
I have been able to get into a state of mind and serenity where I don't miss them. But it was hard... and what I want to say to you... is that it didn't just happen, it was not that I woke up one day and felt great and grateful to be free of them. No, It took work for me... to find the meaning in my life that I thought I found in those damn pills.
Don't give up, there is a solution. I found it, but I had to look.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
Hi Supernova. I also had battle(s) with amphetamines. i was young, and a single mom, working and going to school. i, too, found fake energy and confidence in these pills. i totally understand the psychological grip they are having on you. what i want to tell you is that it is possible to come clean off these terrible little monsters. i went into rehab and worked the 12 steps with a sponsor, and the thought of taking anything mood altering not only sickens me but it scares me. i still have nightmares that i swallow some pills and i am so scared waiting for them to hit me. i hope you can find what works for you to get off pills, pot, anything mood altering. You WILL find the real energy that comes with a healthy lifestyle. it is possible and it is wonderful and i pray you reach out and get the help you need. God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 340
Hey there...wow. I am not an Adderall addict I am an opiate addict and alcoholic sober 10 years. I was given a script for Adderall in August for supposed ADHD. It was for 20mg XR. I absolutely hated the way I felt when it wore off about 5pm in the afternoon. It was awful, more than a crash, just awful. After two weeks, I stopped taking it.
Now in opiate withdrawal it has crossed my mine to use it because I have no energy. My choice on that has been not as I am worried I could become addicted to it. I generally am not drawn to stimulants but with my personality who knows. I could get hooked easily.
I am glad I came across your post. It is a reminder to me to not mess with it ever as it could cause me a problem. Sounds like you have been to heck and back with it.
On the medical side, I know nothing about stimulant withdrawal so I am sure talking to a doctor would be for the best...
Prayers to you and thank you for reminding me that I should not touch it. Even though I think I would never become addicted to it, again with my personality it could happen. Praying for you...
Now in opiate withdrawal it has crossed my mine to use it because I have no energy. My choice on that has been not as I am worried I could become addicted to it. I generally am not drawn to stimulants but with my personality who knows. I could get hooked easily.
I am glad I came across your post. It is a reminder to me to not mess with it ever as it could cause me a problem. Sounds like you have been to heck and back with it.
On the medical side, I know nothing about stimulant withdrawal so I am sure talking to a doctor would be for the best...
Prayers to you and thank you for reminding me that I should not touch it. Even though I think I would never become addicted to it, again with my personality it could happen. Praying for you...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 357
I was totally addicted to amphetamines in my 20s, I decided to start dealing them to help my addiction (how mad is that??) and ended up buying a load, selling none and putting it all up my nose. I think it was mentally the most destructive drug I have ever taken, it totally messed with my head. I remember to this day how almost psychotic I felt both on it and also the horrendous crash after it. I am afraid I love both uppers and downers and really believe that anything that alters the way we feel naturally is very dangerous for those of us who tend to have an addictive personality
Opiates is my latest challenge and I am hoping that this will be my final foray into addiction, Its been a rollercoaster ride all right
Opiates is my latest challenge and I am hoping that this will be my final foray into addiction, Its been a rollercoaster ride all right
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
How are you going OP?
Starting over. We are similar in alot of ways I think. I also love uppers and downers, I had this stupid dream when I was early 20's that I would get the balance of meth as heroin right so I could be perfectly up and perfectly chilled for the right amount of time each day and never feel a comedown from either. Ridiculous!! But that was my dream life?!?
Sorry to hijack te thread, that just reminded me of that.
Starting over. We are similar in alot of ways I think. I also love uppers and downers, I had this stupid dream when I was early 20's that I would get the balance of meth as heroin right so I could be perfectly up and perfectly chilled for the right amount of time each day and never feel a comedown from either. Ridiculous!! But that was my dream life?!?
Sorry to hijack te thread, that just reminded me of that.
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