my boyfriend has relapsed :( PLEASE HELP
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my boyfriend has relapsed :( PLEASE HELP
My boyfriend has a history of addiction. This resulted in us separating (as I could not accept his very erratic behaviour) and him consequently being sent to prison for drug dealing. I started visiting him. He got clean, worked the programme, got healthy and fit and we started a relationship again. He had been clean for 18 months before he got out of prison.
We have been living together for 8 months. He has (or so I thought) been clean, started training as a drugs counsellor, volunteering in a drugs center, gone back to college.....basically, turning his life around
He got a slipped disk that caused him a lot of pain and was practically off work for 5 weeks.
Two days ago, he went out to the shops. When he came back I smelt heroin on him. He denied it. Since I have never been a user, I doubted my instincts (silly, I know!) and felt really bad about accusing him.
He then admitted he had been using sporadically. I said that was it, we are finished. I can't trust him and I can't put myself through this web of lies and deceit.
He was extremely upset, told me it was not every day, sometimes he had gone for over a week without then used 3 times the following week. He told me it was not just Heroin, but also crack at times.
He said he felt ashamed and that he wanted to tell me but couldn't bring himself to do so. He, in a way, wanted to 'get caught'
I know that he is not using every day because I would have noticed (we spend days at a time together without losing sight of each other and I recognise both smells well)
I don't know what to do. I truly love him but don't want to put myself in a position where I get hurt over and over again. We were trying for a baby!!! (that's obviously off the cards now!!)
I thought we were best friends and he could tell me when he was getting cravings or felt the urge to use (its something we have talked about openly in the past)
He promised that he will stop and will never lie to me again (I don't believe him after what has happened)
He said he was so sorry and can't bear the thought of losing me (I said this is tisk he decided to take when he decided to use)
He said he needs to prove how serious he is about this
He gave me his phone, deleted all his numbers in front of me and he got a new chip
He went to a meeting and has made plans to go 3 times a week.
He has promised to start working the programme.
He is giving me his credit card and all his money so he doesn't have access to it.
He said he will get tested regularly at home (on days of my choice) so he can prove he will not take anything
He is going to his mothers today and said he will be honest about what has been going on
I'm not sure if this is an honest sign that he is serious about this or just a way of him not losing me.
I'm so upset, let down and our trust has been broken.
PLEASE HELP I don't know what to do Im so so sad. We were SO happy. I don't understand why this is happening or what the best thing to do is
We have been living together for 8 months. He has (or so I thought) been clean, started training as a drugs counsellor, volunteering in a drugs center, gone back to college.....basically, turning his life around
He got a slipped disk that caused him a lot of pain and was practically off work for 5 weeks.
Two days ago, he went out to the shops. When he came back I smelt heroin on him. He denied it. Since I have never been a user, I doubted my instincts (silly, I know!) and felt really bad about accusing him.
He then admitted he had been using sporadically. I said that was it, we are finished. I can't trust him and I can't put myself through this web of lies and deceit.
He was extremely upset, told me it was not every day, sometimes he had gone for over a week without then used 3 times the following week. He told me it was not just Heroin, but also crack at times.
He said he felt ashamed and that he wanted to tell me but couldn't bring himself to do so. He, in a way, wanted to 'get caught'
I know that he is not using every day because I would have noticed (we spend days at a time together without losing sight of each other and I recognise both smells well)
I don't know what to do. I truly love him but don't want to put myself in a position where I get hurt over and over again. We were trying for a baby!!! (that's obviously off the cards now!!)
I thought we were best friends and he could tell me when he was getting cravings or felt the urge to use (its something we have talked about openly in the past)
He promised that he will stop and will never lie to me again (I don't believe him after what has happened)
He said he was so sorry and can't bear the thought of losing me (I said this is tisk he decided to take when he decided to use)
He said he needs to prove how serious he is about this
He gave me his phone, deleted all his numbers in front of me and he got a new chip
He went to a meeting and has made plans to go 3 times a week.
He has promised to start working the programme.
He is giving me his credit card and all his money so he doesn't have access to it.
He said he will get tested regularly at home (on days of my choice) so he can prove he will not take anything
He is going to his mothers today and said he will be honest about what has been going on
I'm not sure if this is an honest sign that he is serious about this or just a way of him not losing me.
I'm so upset, let down and our trust has been broken.
PLEASE HELP I don't know what to do Im so so sad. We were SO happy. I don't understand why this is happening or what the best thing to do is
Alice,
Im so sorry to hear about this. I know I have put my wife through hell and broken her trust. I do love her more than life itself and I didn't lie to hurt her. The addict mind is insane. If we don't work at it everyday the addiction will get the better of us. Just remember he does love you and if he really wants help try and be there.
Im so sorry to hear about this. I know I have put my wife through hell and broken her trust. I do love her more than life itself and I didn't lie to hurt her. The addict mind is insane. If we don't work at it everyday the addiction will get the better of us. Just remember he does love you and if he really wants help try and be there.
Alice I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years this March. She should have left me 100 times over by now but the love is keeping us together...
The only time I would be dishonest and lie is when I was up to no good. I would say I'm going to go to a meeting to get out of the house and I would go and use for the hour.
This struggle he is dealing with is something you don't want to take personally because he can't help it. Trust me, I know I shouldn't go and get high but sometimes the mental struggle gets the best of us. Usually this happens when I stop working the program.
Try to extend the olive branch here. If he is really being serious about recovery, take him to a meeting and sit in with him. Show support but also at the same time make sure he understands this behavior can't continue.
I know if I swallow 1 xanax I am NEVER allowed to see my twin girls anymore, or my girlfriend. I have ruined all of the trust in my relationship because of my using but this can be earned back. He has to earn this back...
The only time I would be dishonest and lie is when I was up to no good. I would say I'm going to go to a meeting to get out of the house and I would go and use for the hour.
This struggle he is dealing with is something you don't want to take personally because he can't help it. Trust me, I know I shouldn't go and get high but sometimes the mental struggle gets the best of us. Usually this happens when I stop working the program.
Try to extend the olive branch here. If he is really being serious about recovery, take him to a meeting and sit in with him. Show support but also at the same time make sure he understands this behavior can't continue.
I know if I swallow 1 xanax I am NEVER allowed to see my twin girls anymore, or my girlfriend. I have ruined all of the trust in my relationship because of my using but this can be earned back. He has to earn this back...
Have you considered attending nar-anon meetings? There is nothing you can do for him, but it would be good for you to get educated on what you can do for yourself if you decide to stay in this relationship. His recovery is his own business, and his actions will show you whether or not he is sincere in what he says. As you have come to know, the words of an addict are meaningless. They can talk a really good game, but it's the follow-through that you should pay attention to.
In the meantime, you will learn how to detach from whatever he does, and to put your focus on what is best for you.
In the meantime, you will learn how to detach from whatever he does, and to put your focus on what is best for you.
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