On again off again, My story. need support.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
On again off again, My story. need support.
Hi everyone,
I have posted on here a while back, but didn't stick with it. I'm back and this is my story.
I got clean about four years ago, but over the last year and a half I have not been. My Drug of choice is pain pills and xanax. In the past year I would use for a couple of days to a week the off a week to a month. Until last week I was off for almost two months. I have with through w/ds so many times in the last year I can't even count. You would think that the pain of it all would keep me from it, but no.
I got to stop this. Its killing me, and my family. I have the most wonderful wife and little boy in the world. I can't loose them.
The crazy think is, I love life when I'm not high. I'll be doing great, then I'll get bored or run into the wrong person and then I like f it. one more time won't hurt.
I'm now on day two of not using and no w/d. So I don't think I'll have any, but I'm pretty depressed about the whole thing.
Looking forward to talking to yall
c
I have posted on here a while back, but didn't stick with it. I'm back and this is my story.
I got clean about four years ago, but over the last year and a half I have not been. My Drug of choice is pain pills and xanax. In the past year I would use for a couple of days to a week the off a week to a month. Until last week I was off for almost two months. I have with through w/ds so many times in the last year I can't even count. You would think that the pain of it all would keep me from it, but no.
I got to stop this. Its killing me, and my family. I have the most wonderful wife and little boy in the world. I can't loose them.
The crazy think is, I love life when I'm not high. I'll be doing great, then I'll get bored or run into the wrong person and then I like f it. one more time won't hurt.
I'm now on day two of not using and no w/d. So I don't think I'll have any, but I'm pretty depressed about the whole thing.
Looking forward to talking to yall
c
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
Chris,
Guess, what... I'm on day three! Let's do this together buddy!!!!!!!!!!
Our stories are very similar. I was on day two yesterday and it wasn't great. TOday is a little better. We can do this!!!!!!!
Guess, what... I'm on day three! Let's do this together buddy!!!!!!!!!!
Our stories are very similar. I was on day two yesterday and it wasn't great. TOday is a little better. We can do this!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
Originally Posted by IvanKatz 
Chris,
Guess, what... I'm on day three! Let's do this together buddy!!!!!!!!!!
Our stories are very similar. I was on day two yesterday and it wasn't great. TOday is a little better. We can do this!!!!!!!
Guess, what... I'm on day three! Let's do this together buddy!!!!!!!!!!
Our stories are very similar. I was on day two yesterday and it wasn't great. TOday is a little better. We can do this!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
Getting ready to go to a meeting tonight. I have never enjoyed them too much. My stupid ego gets in the way. Thats my problem. I tend to think Im above it all. I can do want I want. I find myself looking around the meeting room and saying to myself I'm stronger than the rest of these people. However I know that the truth is, I'm just a junkie that hasn't lost it all... yet. That day is rapidly approaching.
I can't believe I used again this week. I was doing so great, and feeling great. My wife went out of town and I called "the guy" without even thinking twice. SO STUPID!
I can't believe I used again this week. I was doing so great, and feeling great. My wife went out of town and I called "the guy" without even thinking twice. SO STUPID!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Chris))) - Welcome to SR!
I thought I didn't need help, that I wasn't as bad as others, but I kept spiraling down until I was not only "as bad" but a lot worse than others. I'm glad you're going to a meeting and that you're here. SR has been a huge part of my recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I thought I didn't need help, that I wasn't as bad as others, but I kept spiraling down until I was not only "as bad" but a lot worse than others. I'm glad you're going to a meeting and that you're here. SR has been a huge part of my recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
Well I thought since I only had a short binge this time that I was free of the W/d. Well I was wrong. Woke up this morning feeling like crap. The anxiety is what kills me. I got a good nights sleep up was up at 5am freaking out. I'm trying to be honest with my wife, and she is trying to be supportive.
My 18mo old son woke up early and wanted to play. I almost cried cause I just couldn't. I got to get this past me. He doesn't deserve a life of his day being on drugs.
My 18mo old son woke up early and wanted to play. I almost cried cause I just couldn't. I got to get this past me. He doesn't deserve a life of his day being on drugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
oh btw, went to a meeting. It was just ok. only five people there. 2 old timers that I got alot from. 3 others that where court ordered. I they wanted to do is brag about their charges. It did do some good though.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South Florida
Posts: 54
C thanks for your story man. my doc is xanax. i'm almost 11 months free and clear from the bars but i have vices in other areas i'm struggling with.
at my worst i was eating 20 to 30mg of xanax a day on top of the ridiculous amounts of alcohol i would consume on top of this. when i finally decided to stop i had the worst 25 days of withdrawl...
i was seeing things that weren't there, hearing music beats as if i had the radio playing, twitching, no sleep for 10 straight days, extreme frontal lobe prssure, etc...it was the worst...
i know if i take another xanax today i will never be allowed to see my twins ever again. they are 15 months and adorable little girls. i know if i eat xanax i will not have a relationship with my girl anymore. i don't want to risk this and i don't want to risk losing my life....
what i struggle with today is an annoying vice of smoking spice. i have been for the last year. finally on day 2 today and hope i don't ever buy more again.
keep up the good work C. it's hard work but i know the payoff is great. i've seen how great the payoff can be. i just mess up and always feel like i can get through it on my own...
at my worst i was eating 20 to 30mg of xanax a day on top of the ridiculous amounts of alcohol i would consume on top of this. when i finally decided to stop i had the worst 25 days of withdrawl...
i was seeing things that weren't there, hearing music beats as if i had the radio playing, twitching, no sleep for 10 straight days, extreme frontal lobe prssure, etc...it was the worst...
i know if i take another xanax today i will never be allowed to see my twins ever again. they are 15 months and adorable little girls. i know if i eat xanax i will not have a relationship with my girl anymore. i don't want to risk this and i don't want to risk losing my life....
what i struggle with today is an annoying vice of smoking spice. i have been for the last year. finally on day 2 today and hope i don't ever buy more again.
keep up the good work C. it's hard work but i know the payoff is great. i've seen how great the payoff can be. i just mess up and always feel like i can get through it on my own...
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
I made through half of the day. I had to go to work for a while. It was horrible. I got home to a hot bath and know I'm lying in bed. The anxiety is gone for now. For some reason it always seems to subside in the afternoon. I'm dreading the morning already. I can't stand that feeling. I also took a bunch of xanax over the last week. I pray that Im not w/d from them too. I'm exhausted. I hate that I'm putting my wife through this. I wish she could understand. I'm going to try and rest for awhile. I'll check back in later.
so if my post are all over the place. My thoughts are a bit scattered.
so if my post are all over the place. My thoughts are a bit scattered.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
Originally Posted by bars
C thanks for your story man. my doc is xanax. i'm almost 11 months free and clear from the bars but i have vices in other areas i'm struggling with.
at my worst i was eating 20 to 30mg of xanax a day on top of the ridiculous amounts of alcohol i would consume on top of this. when i finally decided to stop i had the worst 25 days of withdrawl...
i was seeing things that weren't there, hearing music beats as if i had the radio playing, twitching, no sleep for 10 straight days, extreme frontal lobe prssure, etc...it was the worst...
i know if i take another xanax today i will never be allowed to see my twins ever again. they are 15 months and adorable little girls. i know if i eat xanax i will not have a relationship with my girl anymore. i don't want to risk this and i don't want to risk losing my life....
what i struggle with today is an annoying vice of smoking spice. i have been for the last year. finally on day 2 today and hope i don't ever buy more again.
keep up the good work C. it's hard work but i know the payoff is great. i've seen how great the payoff can be. i just mess up and always feel like i can get through it on my own...
at my worst i was eating 20 to 30mg of xanax a day on top of the ridiculous amounts of alcohol i would consume on top of this. when i finally decided to stop i had the worst 25 days of withdrawl...
i was seeing things that weren't there, hearing music beats as if i had the radio playing, twitching, no sleep for 10 straight days, extreme frontal lobe prssure, etc...it was the worst...
i know if i take another xanax today i will never be allowed to see my twins ever again. they are 15 months and adorable little girls. i know if i eat xanax i will not have a relationship with my girl anymore. i don't want to risk this and i don't want to risk losing my life....
what i struggle with today is an annoying vice of smoking spice. i have been for the last year. finally on day 2 today and hope i don't ever buy more again.
keep up the good work C. it's hard work but i know the payoff is great. i've seen how great the payoff can be. i just mess up and always feel like i can get through it on my own...
I know the horror you went through. Xanax was my first DOC. I was taking about the same as you. Hang in there man. spice is drug, and people like us can't handle it. as we both know it will get better. This too shall pass.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Murfreesboro,TN
Posts: 16
Hang in there, dont think about tomorrow, only today. I had a ten yr addiction with opiates and xanex,been clean for 4 mths only by tha grace of god. It getsbetter and better. My withdrawals didnt start til my 3rd day but only lasted 3 or 4 i kept praying asking god to remove the obcession and he did soon after, a miracle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
I had a good nap but woke up not feeling good. The anxiety of it is killing me. I keep repeating songs in my head, over and over. Anyone experience this?
I'm tempted to go get some help from my Dr. He is one of my best friends and knows nothing of my problems. I'm embarrassed to ask him though.
I'm tempted to go get some help from my Dr. He is one of my best friends and knows nothing of my problems. I'm embarrassed to ask him though.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I recommend seeing a Dr if you feel unwwll, strange or concerned - see another one if you feel uncomfortable seeing your friend, maybe?
I was an alcoholic but I had 'earworms' (repeated snatches of songs) too....
D
I was an alcoholic but I had 'earworms' (repeated snatches of songs) too....
D
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
Chris, I went to the doc today and it made a huge difference with me. He was VERY supportive! I got some meds and I feel whole again - Like I can do this now!
I have no energy but I have NO anxiety. I haven't had any crazy or anxious thoughts since I took my first pill he prescribed!
Ask for help buddy! I did and I do not regret it one bit!!!!!!
I have no energy but I have NO anxiety. I haven't had any crazy or anxious thoughts since I took my first pill he prescribed!
Ask for help buddy! I did and I do not regret it one bit!!!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South Florida
Posts: 54
ivan good morning! keep up the good work and own the pain man! it will get better...i was told i should embrace these wds because this edge i'm feeling is life and i need to face it...
C what kind of dr. are you going to see? a lot of people suggested i go see a psychologist to help me deal with all the tragic loss i've experienced which i seem to continuously use over.
i heard a lot of mixed reviews about going to a dr. and being prescribed something to help. especially in the fellowship of AA i found a lot of people look down on people who need to take meds to help them.
for me i thought well maybe if i got myself clean for a few months i would possibly find happiness again but i was wrong. yeah i'll be happy i'm sober but deep down, i'm in pain.
C what kind of dr. are you going to see? a lot of people suggested i go see a psychologist to help me deal with all the tragic loss i've experienced which i seem to continuously use over.
i heard a lot of mixed reviews about going to a dr. and being prescribed something to help. especially in the fellowship of AA i found a lot of people look down on people who need to take meds to help them.
for me i thought well maybe if i got myself clean for a few months i would possibly find happiness again but i was wrong. yeah i'll be happy i'm sober but deep down, i'm in pain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
C,
I went to my general practice doc. For me, I'm not carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Yeah, I've got some things going on from childhood but nothing I've never been able to deal with. Matter of fact, I never think about it unless someone asks about it.
You see, I'm a chronic pain person whose been using for 4 years out of necessity. Because I was using prescriptions for so long, I became first dependent on the stuff - then addicted. When I'm not using, my pain is high all the time but somewhat manageable. For me, it's easier to start using to get rid of the pain. Problem is, I can't control myself with the medication.
I went to my general practice doc. For me, I'm not carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Yeah, I've got some things going on from childhood but nothing I've never been able to deal with. Matter of fact, I never think about it unless someone asks about it.
You see, I'm a chronic pain person whose been using for 4 years out of necessity. Because I was using prescriptions for so long, I became first dependent on the stuff - then addicted. When I'm not using, my pain is high all the time but somewhat manageable. For me, it's easier to start using to get rid of the pain. Problem is, I can't control myself with the medication.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
good morning guys and gals. Well I hope its a good morning for you. This has been the hardest one for me yet. I felt good yesterday evening. for some reason the late afternoons are pretty easy for me. I woke up at 5am and the w/d anxiety started. I started having hot flashes and anxitey pain all over. I got took a shower smoke a couple of cigs and counted the min until everyone else got up. This is day 4 since I used and only the second day of pain. The doom and gloom is very bad today. I'm toying with going to the dr. but I don't want him to think bad of me he has to deal with addicts trying to cop pills from him ever day. I'm going to try and tough it out. I'm at work now and its awful. Thank god Im not busy. I just want to go back to bed. Please god help.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 154
I left work a little while ago. Took another long bath. They really seem to help. I should be feeling better soon. I'm going to go to another meeting tonight if I can find the energy. I feel like I should get out and do something, but I just want to lay in bed. thanks for the support guys it really helps.
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