How thorough do I need to be
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 8
How thorough do I need to be
I have a bunch of harms from my 8th step that read something like, "I made disparaging comments about John Doe behind his back." I have about 30-40 individuals on my list like this with about 70% living in Oregon. I live in Colorado.
My question is do I need to travel to Oregon and go and make amends to each of these people? But even the people in my home state, do I need to seek these people out face to face to tell them that I've talked about them behind their back? When I say talk behind their back, I mean I'd say things like, "That person is an idiot and I'm not sure why they are running the project," or "Why is she dating that loser? The guy whines about everything like a girl."
Without a doubt this behavior is wrong. At the same time, I have about a dozen or more people I've caused real harm to, and with four of them I'll have to buy a plane ticket and travel to four different states to make amends. I'm okay with that.
But I'll be honest, I'm struggling to justify spending a few hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket to tell people that I talked behind their back about how I thought they dressed funny when I was in high school. Especially given I owe a lot of money on other amends. But even in Colorado I'm struggling to call John Doe up for coffee to tell him that I told Jane Doe he's a terrible, incompetent project manager. Any advice would be appreciated.
My question is do I need to travel to Oregon and go and make amends to each of these people? But even the people in my home state, do I need to seek these people out face to face to tell them that I've talked about them behind their back? When I say talk behind their back, I mean I'd say things like, "That person is an idiot and I'm not sure why they are running the project," or "Why is she dating that loser? The guy whines about everything like a girl."
Without a doubt this behavior is wrong. At the same time, I have about a dozen or more people I've caused real harm to, and with four of them I'll have to buy a plane ticket and travel to four different states to make amends. I'm okay with that.
But I'll be honest, I'm struggling to justify spending a few hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket to tell people that I talked behind their back about how I thought they dressed funny when I was in high school. Especially given I owe a lot of money on other amends. But even in Colorado I'm struggling to call John Doe up for coffee to tell him that I told Jane Doe he's a terrible, incompetent project manager. Any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Japan
Posts: 71
Hi,
I had the same issue with all the people I thought I needed to see personally to make amends to. It was only after speaking to my sponsor several times that he set me straight about which amend I HAD to do; which was a financial one ($500), and that involved returning home to Canada to do it last summer. The other 6-7 I had put on my list were similar to yours; things I said that were inappropriate...However. my spsonsor told me these disagreemtns are all a part of life and relationships, and sometimes it is btter to let things go.
Pat
I had the same issue with all the people I thought I needed to see personally to make amends to. It was only after speaking to my sponsor several times that he set me straight about which amend I HAD to do; which was a financial one ($500), and that involved returning home to Canada to do it last summer. The other 6-7 I had put on my list were similar to yours; things I said that were inappropriate...However. my spsonsor told me these disagreemtns are all a part of life and relationships, and sometimes it is btter to let things go.
Pat
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
The Big Book is quite specific about making amends as far as when to and how to do so. In many cases, it stresses the point that we don't have the right to interupt someone else's life to make ourselves feel better. Talking behind someone's back is not something to take lightly especially if there's character assination involved and you've actually ruined someone's life by what you've said. There's a story in the BB just about that very thing around page 77 or 78. I'd suggest you get with your sponsor and decided with the help of the Big Book how to handle your amends.
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