Pandie

Hi all, I'm Pandie. I'm back after a brief absence. Have been without pills (Norco 7.5)for a little over a week. Went through what should have lasted me 2 months in about 2 weeks. So now I'm out of pills until I can get them again in February. 5wks and 6days, but who's counting ?

I'm trying to decide if I should just tell my doctor that I don't want the pills anymore. No, I haven't gotten them in other ways, although last night, I was craving really bad and thought about trying to find them in other ways. I just know that is one of the "yet's" I haven't taken because if I could have an unlimited supply of pills, I would eventually OD and die.

I've talked to friends in recovery about not getting the pills anymore and I've told them, if I don't get them, I feel like I have NOTHING to look forward to. They've become like a security blanket for me, and when I don't have them, I get a bit claustrophobic and worried I don't have an ESCAPE. Friends in recovery tell me that getting OFF the pills will open me up to better things in my life and I will have so much more to look forward to than I can even imagine. Is this true?? I just can't see it at all right now. I cannot see living without my pills for the rest of my life.

Please share any and all advice you have to help me see there's a better way.

Thanks,
Pandie

Impurrfect

(((Pandie))) - though I abused opiates, I never got addicted but I did move on to crack, which brought me to my knees.

Not only was I addicted to the substance, I was addicted to the lifestyle - hiding from cops, living on the streets, etc. This was totally against my character, but it's what I did.

When I got clean and into recovery, I felt this HUGE void in my life. Where was the excitement? That adrenaline rush?

It took a while, but yeah - it does get a lot better. We are used to instant gratification - take a pill, hit, drink and feel better. When we've used for a while (I'd been using/abusing something or other for about 20 years), the chemicals in our body are messed up. The brain normally produces "feel good" endorphins and dopamine but when we're using something else, it's like the brain says "okay, I can take a vacation - he/she is getting that stuff elsewhere".

Problem is, it takes time for the brain to start working on those chemicals again. Though I had no physical withdrawals from the crack, the mental ones were a b***h. I spent hours and hours here - reading stories of people who were living life in recovery (and doing very well at it), as well as stories of people who'd gone back out or were just starting recovery to remind me of the desperation and other bad feelings that went with it.

Is life going to be awesome without drugs? Nope, life is just going to be life - ups, downs, and everything in between. What helps me is getting through these times clean - I'm still dealing with consequences of my using. By not using now, I can get through the feelings and actually feel them. No, the bad stuff isn't fun, but at least I won't have to deal with it later, as well as the guilt of having numbed myself through it. The good stuff, well it's really good because we're present in our lives - we're not high, we can feel it.

When we're floating through life, buzzed out on something, counting down days until we can get more, life goes on without us. I've been through funerals, weddings, robberies at work, babies being born, and there is nothing like actually going through the emotions.

I can't tell you everything will get better as soon as you want it to, but I can tell you it does get better.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Pandie

(((Amy)))) Thanks so much!!

Threshold

Pandie, it's good to see you back. Recovery isn't a guaranteed bed of roses, but it opens us up to choice, gives us a chance. You said yourself that if you had the supply of pills you know what would happen. In recovery you don't always know what will happen, but you can be assured some of it will be great, instead of the long dark road into hell.

Just the relief of not having to chase that next fix is huge.