I just need to talk to someone other than myself.
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I just need to talk to someone other than myself.
I overdosed in May, and got clean since them. I've been in recovery but had let it slide, then just threw it all away. I've been working hard at it for seven months though.
But life is life. I could go into detail, but it boils down to life is life. And here I am again. Lonely as hell. The holidays just made some hard truths that much clearer.
My boyfriend has thrown the towel in on recovery and that has manifested in all sorts of ugly ways the past few weeks, and has worn my a** and patience thin.
Last night I was really scraping bottom. So lonely, so hopeless. I went out on a walk to keep me out of the house, just crying and so sad. he called and said he was cooking dinner. He was clearly drunk. I was so alone, so I went there, and it was nice to be taken care of, even if all that meant was someone put a hot meal in front of me tha tI didn't have to plan or cook.
And we went to his room, and he was so giggly, bubbly. A nice change from the angry, hopeless mess he's been so often lately, chatting and calling me drunk and morose. He had some pills and offered them to me. This is the same person who had to call EMS to kick my door down when I OD'd, now he is offering me the same poison.
I thought about it. Said no, because I know that's not the answer. The warm meal actually gave me a better feeling inside than I know those pills would have. I mean, I felt good from eating, it didn't make my troubles go away, but it reminded me that "good" still exists. It was a more hopeful act that getting numb.
I stayed the night, though I know sharing a bed with an active addict is stupid, in this case it was smarter than going to a cold dark apt and a cold lonely bed.
I walked home this morning and got on here. I have to figure out what to do about the boyfriend situation. But I also have to get by one day at a time.
I'm going to go to my step work now. I feel like a robot, going through the motions of recovery, but it's better than going through the motions of using.
But life is life. I could go into detail, but it boils down to life is life. And here I am again. Lonely as hell. The holidays just made some hard truths that much clearer.
My boyfriend has thrown the towel in on recovery and that has manifested in all sorts of ugly ways the past few weeks, and has worn my a** and patience thin.
Last night I was really scraping bottom. So lonely, so hopeless. I went out on a walk to keep me out of the house, just crying and so sad. he called and said he was cooking dinner. He was clearly drunk. I was so alone, so I went there, and it was nice to be taken care of, even if all that meant was someone put a hot meal in front of me tha tI didn't have to plan or cook.
And we went to his room, and he was so giggly, bubbly. A nice change from the angry, hopeless mess he's been so often lately, chatting and calling me drunk and morose. He had some pills and offered them to me. This is the same person who had to call EMS to kick my door down when I OD'd, now he is offering me the same poison.
I thought about it. Said no, because I know that's not the answer. The warm meal actually gave me a better feeling inside than I know those pills would have. I mean, I felt good from eating, it didn't make my troubles go away, but it reminded me that "good" still exists. It was a more hopeful act that getting numb.
I stayed the night, though I know sharing a bed with an active addict is stupid, in this case it was smarter than going to a cold dark apt and a cold lonely bed.
I walked home this morning and got on here. I have to figure out what to do about the boyfriend situation. But I also have to get by one day at a time.
I'm going to go to my step work now. I feel like a robot, going through the motions of recovery, but it's better than going through the motions of using.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Threshold,
When you say "threw it all away" do you mean relapse? It sounds like you did not do so last night.
Even though I don't do AA or NA, you do those things, so it seems like the right thing to do to go back to the steps. You must have a sponsor? Can you talk to that person?
I saw you on another thread, helping someone else. That is important, on more levels than one. I think a lot of successful recovery depends on helping others find their way out of addiction. Not only does it remind us of why we no longer use, it is very therapeutic to help others.
You have been a strong presence here on SR. I always read your posts, and I may not always take the same approach, but our intentions and ultimate message are the same.
I am here a lot, and I want to support your recovery any way I can. Just know you are important and appreciated. Certainly here, yes, but my guess is it isn't limited to this forum. I also need face to face support. I have that, a fabulous amount of it, in the form of family. Maybe the boyfriend is not the best source of that for you, from the sounds of it.
I hope you find home support today. I know recovery is not linear, and knowing that, I expect dips and valleys. This is one of those times for you. But they are usually followed by another upswing, as your recovery progresses. Don't sabotage it, because it will get better. Nothing really ever stays the same, good or bad.
FT
When you say "threw it all away" do you mean relapse? It sounds like you did not do so last night.
Even though I don't do AA or NA, you do those things, so it seems like the right thing to do to go back to the steps. You must have a sponsor? Can you talk to that person?
I saw you on another thread, helping someone else. That is important, on more levels than one. I think a lot of successful recovery depends on helping others find their way out of addiction. Not only does it remind us of why we no longer use, it is very therapeutic to help others.
You have been a strong presence here on SR. I always read your posts, and I may not always take the same approach, but our intentions and ultimate message are the same.
I am here a lot, and I want to support your recovery any way I can. Just know you are important and appreciated. Certainly here, yes, but my guess is it isn't limited to this forum. I also need face to face support. I have that, a fabulous amount of it, in the form of family. Maybe the boyfriend is not the best source of that for you, from the sounds of it.
I hope you find home support today. I know recovery is not linear, and knowing that, I expect dips and valleys. This is one of those times for you. But they are usually followed by another upswing, as your recovery progresses. Don't sabotage it, because it will get better. Nothing really ever stays the same, good or bad.
FT
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Glad you shared Threshold.
You know, I was thinking. The "boyfriend situation" could lead to a relapse situation. I understand you may be in love but you HAVE to love yourself FIRST and but your sobriety first. It's the only way.
You know, I was thinking. The "boyfriend situation" could lead to a relapse situation. I understand you may be in love but you HAVE to love yourself FIRST and but your sobriety first. It's the only way.
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Thanks FT, I see my post was unclear. I feel bad this morning, I mean physically, headache, etc, so I think I am not posting clearly.
When I said threw it all away, I was referring to my OD in May. I've been clean since. I am having a dip the past few days, for sure. But I don't want to throw the towel in on recovery, which is why I turned down the pills. It would have numbed me for a night, but then what? I still have the same reality and same struggles, may as well not get back on that merry go round.
right now SR is my main recovery support. I live at an outpost with no NA meetings. My sponsor (long distance) is going through some things and isn't really available to me. I am considering getting a new one. My bf is pretty much my only real friend out here, and he IS a real friend, but he is also f'd up and as far as recovery goes, he just can't be there for me.
So, things are pretty tough right now, and the support and fellowship I get here is real critical. As is just pushing forward on my program, even when I have a pounding headache and can barely see straight.
I mean f*ck, I feel like I DID take those darn pills last night I feel so f'n crappy. I know it's a "carb" hangover from too many cookies yesterday. I did a binge on food...stopped myself half way and took all my holiday goodies and dumped them out for the wild critters to eat. I didn't think I over did it that much, but my head today is telling me I DID. ugh.
I burned way too many bridges during my last couple of years of active addiction. That reality is hitting me hard right now. I guess the holidays brought it into focus. Can't hide from the truth. But it's not a reason to go back, it's a reason to move forward. Even if I can't renew those lost relationships, I can hold my own head up.
It really sucks about the boyfriend. It's hard to watch someone you love slither down the drain of despair. Maybe if I stay clean and move forward it'll give him some hope when he's ready to turn things around for himself.
SO many people here are addicts and alkies, it's terrifying to be surrounded by people in such a sorry state. But I need a job and a roof over my head.
got to go to work
thanks for responding, I feel less alone
When I said threw it all away, I was referring to my OD in May. I've been clean since. I am having a dip the past few days, for sure. But I don't want to throw the towel in on recovery, which is why I turned down the pills. It would have numbed me for a night, but then what? I still have the same reality and same struggles, may as well not get back on that merry go round.
right now SR is my main recovery support. I live at an outpost with no NA meetings. My sponsor (long distance) is going through some things and isn't really available to me. I am considering getting a new one. My bf is pretty much my only real friend out here, and he IS a real friend, but he is also f'd up and as far as recovery goes, he just can't be there for me.
So, things are pretty tough right now, and the support and fellowship I get here is real critical. As is just pushing forward on my program, even when I have a pounding headache and can barely see straight.
I mean f*ck, I feel like I DID take those darn pills last night I feel so f'n crappy. I know it's a "carb" hangover from too many cookies yesterday. I did a binge on food...stopped myself half way and took all my holiday goodies and dumped them out for the wild critters to eat. I didn't think I over did it that much, but my head today is telling me I DID. ugh.
I burned way too many bridges during my last couple of years of active addiction. That reality is hitting me hard right now. I guess the holidays brought it into focus. Can't hide from the truth. But it's not a reason to go back, it's a reason to move forward. Even if I can't renew those lost relationships, I can hold my own head up.
It really sucks about the boyfriend. It's hard to watch someone you love slither down the drain of despair. Maybe if I stay clean and move forward it'll give him some hope when he's ready to turn things around for himself.
SO many people here are addicts and alkies, it's terrifying to be surrounded by people in such a sorry state. But I need a job and a roof over my head.
got to go to work
thanks for responding, I feel less alone
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Threshold))) - I'm sorry you're feeling down. As far as the bf goes, I had to let mine go because he wanted to keep using. It was tough, but I made really, really bad decisions when I was with him. When I had about 2-1/2 years in recovery, he died from the addiction we had shared.
I do have family support, but my immediate family also has major codependency attributes and one really likes her pills. I'm not in a position to move out (thanks to the consequences of my addiction), and it's far from a perfect situation, but I've learned a lot from the great folks here and am better at taking care of me, and what I need, and not getting sucked into their drama. For the last almost-5 years, I've had no friends other than some dear family friends.
I started back to school, which keeps my mind occupied, and have finally gotten a couple of friends close to home (one is actually from here
). I get the being lonely, and the rest of HALT and I guess that's why I spend so much time on here.
I agree with ((FT)) - you are always so helpful on here, and I, too, always read your posts. We may not be able to "fix" your situation, but we do care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I do have family support, but my immediate family also has major codependency attributes and one really likes her pills. I'm not in a position to move out (thanks to the consequences of my addiction), and it's far from a perfect situation, but I've learned a lot from the great folks here and am better at taking care of me, and what I need, and not getting sucked into their drama. For the last almost-5 years, I've had no friends other than some dear family friends.
I started back to school, which keeps my mind occupied, and have finally gotten a couple of friends close to home (one is actually from here
). I get the being lonely, and the rest of HALT and I guess that's why I spend so much time on here.I agree with ((FT)) - you are always so helpful on here, and I, too, always read your posts. We may not be able to "fix" your situation, but we do care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 12
Good luck with the detox. It seems that we are in a similar stage right now. I'm not sure what to tell you about your BF..I have no experience in that situation.
I will keep you in my prayers. I'm praying hard right now...this is so tough
I will keep you in my prayers. I'm praying hard right now...this is so tough
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 132
((Threshold)) you have really made a wise purposeful choice by not taking the pills at your BF and sticking with your recovery. You are amazing. Loneliness can play tricks on us but you managed to hold steadfast.
One thing I'm learning about burning bridges is we have a second chance. You can't undo the past but behaviors can change and new doors open. You may be going through motions today but soon they become habits and a new way of life begins.
One thing I'm learning about burning bridges is we have a second chance. You can't undo the past but behaviors can change and new doors open. You may be going through motions today but soon they become habits and a new way of life begins.
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Thanks all, I really need this right now.
I know many of you will relate. I grew up in one of those dangerous families where the rules changed according to the moods of bipolar mommy. I learned to act A-OK no matter what. It wasn't safe to be sick, needy, or a kid. It just wasn't safe period.
So I got really good at looking OK no matter what. So much so that when I got into 12 step and told my kids and spouse it was for drug abuse, they looked at me like I"d lost my mind. Mommy doesn't use drugs....
I am not pretending I hid my issues so well, or that they didn't impact anyone, they did, and how. One of the issues was that I was so good at acting ok, that I'd let things go too far, too long before I asked for help. I never lost the fear that I'd be beaten, abused and abandoned if I didn't look like little miss perfect. Then when I'd get too depressed, anxious, etc...I'd blow and the spouse would freak and say why didn't I take care of it sooner, and then, sure enough, I'd be emotionally abused and abandoned, even though I'd tried so hard to be strong. It's a bad habit I have, this poker face.
My OD in May was a suicide attempt. One of my friends at work, when she heard what I'd done, just kept saying "but she was fine, she stayed late to help because we got busy, she was FINE"
So, now I am not feeling so fine. And I am very far away from friends and family, and I am disinclined to be a reliable watch dog for myself. So I thought I'd come here and put it on record, that I am having a tough time right now.
I have a psychiatrist, meds and all that good stuff. But I am a little afraid, because sometimes I don't even know how far I am, then, I blow.
I am not expecting you folks here to be my babysitters. My recovery and life is in my hands and I understand that. I just want to learn to be more honest and accountable earlier in the game.
NOt sure if a word of this makes sense. It was a long day.
thanks for the support.
I know many of you will relate. I grew up in one of those dangerous families where the rules changed according to the moods of bipolar mommy. I learned to act A-OK no matter what. It wasn't safe to be sick, needy, or a kid. It just wasn't safe period.
So I got really good at looking OK no matter what. So much so that when I got into 12 step and told my kids and spouse it was for drug abuse, they looked at me like I"d lost my mind. Mommy doesn't use drugs....
I am not pretending I hid my issues so well, or that they didn't impact anyone, they did, and how. One of the issues was that I was so good at acting ok, that I'd let things go too far, too long before I asked for help. I never lost the fear that I'd be beaten, abused and abandoned if I didn't look like little miss perfect. Then when I'd get too depressed, anxious, etc...I'd blow and the spouse would freak and say why didn't I take care of it sooner, and then, sure enough, I'd be emotionally abused and abandoned, even though I'd tried so hard to be strong. It's a bad habit I have, this poker face.
My OD in May was a suicide attempt. One of my friends at work, when she heard what I'd done, just kept saying "but she was fine, she stayed late to help because we got busy, she was FINE"
So, now I am not feeling so fine. And I am very far away from friends and family, and I am disinclined to be a reliable watch dog for myself. So I thought I'd come here and put it on record, that I am having a tough time right now.
I have a psychiatrist, meds and all that good stuff. But I am a little afraid, because sometimes I don't even know how far I am, then, I blow.
I am not expecting you folks here to be my babysitters. My recovery and life is in my hands and I understand that. I just want to learn to be more honest and accountable earlier in the game.
NOt sure if a word of this makes sense. It was a long day.
thanks for the support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: coventry westmidlands
Posts: 19
foxy
Originally Posted by Threshold 
I overdosed in May, and got clean since them. I've been in recovery but had let it slide, then just threw it all away. I've been working hard at it for seven months though.
But life is life. I could go into detail, but it boils down to life is life. And here I am again. Lonely as hell. The holidays just made some hard truths that much clearer.
My boyfriend has thrown the towel in on recovery and that has manifested in all sorts of ugly ways the past few weeks, and has worn my a** and patience thin.
Last night I was really scraping bottom. So lonely, so hopeless. I went out on a walk to keep me out of the house, just crying and so sad. he called and said he was cooking dinner. He was clearly drunk. I was so alone, so I went there, and it was nice to be taken care of, even if all that meant was someone put a hot meal in front of me tha tI didn't have to plan or cook.
And we went to his room, and he was so giggly, bubbly. A nice change from the angry, hopeless mess he's been so often lately, chatting and calling me drunk and morose. He had some pills and offered them to me. This is the same person who had to call EMS to kick my door down when I OD'd, now he is offering me the same poison.
I thought about it. Said no, because I know that's not the answer. The warm meal actually gave me a better feeling inside than I know those pills would have. I mean, I felt good from eating, it didn't make my troubles go away, but it reminded me that "good" still exists. It was a more hopeful act that getting numb.
I stayed the night, though I know sharing a bed with an active addict is stupid, in this case it was smarter than going to a cold dark apt and a cold lonely bed.
I walked home this morning and got on here. I have to figure out what to do about the boyfriend situation. But I also have to get by one day at a time.
I'm going to go to my step work now. I feel like a robot, going through the motions of recovery, but it's better than going through the motions of using.
But life is life. I could go into detail, but it boils down to life is life. And here I am again. Lonely as hell. The holidays just made some hard truths that much clearer.
My boyfriend has thrown the towel in on recovery and that has manifested in all sorts of ugly ways the past few weeks, and has worn my a** and patience thin.
Last night I was really scraping bottom. So lonely, so hopeless. I went out on a walk to keep me out of the house, just crying and so sad. he called and said he was cooking dinner. He was clearly drunk. I was so alone, so I went there, and it was nice to be taken care of, even if all that meant was someone put a hot meal in front of me tha tI didn't have to plan or cook.
And we went to his room, and he was so giggly, bubbly. A nice change from the angry, hopeless mess he's been so often lately, chatting and calling me drunk and morose. He had some pills and offered them to me. This is the same person who had to call EMS to kick my door down when I OD'd, now he is offering me the same poison.
I thought about it. Said no, because I know that's not the answer. The warm meal actually gave me a better feeling inside than I know those pills would have. I mean, I felt good from eating, it didn't make my troubles go away, but it reminded me that "good" still exists. It was a more hopeful act that getting numb.
I stayed the night, though I know sharing a bed with an active addict is stupid, in this case it was smarter than going to a cold dark apt and a cold lonely bed.
I walked home this morning and got on here. I have to figure out what to do about the boyfriend situation. But I also have to get by one day at a time.
I'm going to go to my step work now. I feel like a robot, going through the motions of recovery, but it's better than going through the motions of using.
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Last night my boyfriend came over for a planned dinner, inebriated. He was all charm and giggles again. And I, as I've already shared, was having a rough day. I don't want to use, that's not the issue, I'm just having a rough time.
Today is my 27th wedding anniversary, my last, if my lawyer is right and the divorce, scheduled for next March, actually takes place. It's already stretched out ridiculously longer than necessary. I just passed another stretch of holidays away from friends, family and home, and now my bf has relapsed and has no intention of returning to sobriety or recovery. So, I am feeling rather lost and discouraged. I do wonder, at times, what I am recovering for.
I want to stay hopeful, as I peer into the future, but frankly situations have been deteriorating lately, and it has been hard to keep my chin up. Several seemingly hopeful things have fallen through...divorce (which was promised to be over by the end of this year), plans to visit with kids, finances, relationship with then recovering bf, some other friendships. And I just want an island of relief. Substance abuse is not the island I want or need.
All I have now is...prayer? gritty determination? the stories of people here who tell me that recovery is worth it?
Recovery is not responsible for the situations I am in, addiction has much more to do with it. Now I am sweeping up the messes I made, and making good on my debts, or trying to.
I'm basically just very lonely right now.
Today is my 27th wedding anniversary, my last, if my lawyer is right and the divorce, scheduled for next March, actually takes place. It's already stretched out ridiculously longer than necessary. I just passed another stretch of holidays away from friends, family and home, and now my bf has relapsed and has no intention of returning to sobriety or recovery. So, I am feeling rather lost and discouraged. I do wonder, at times, what I am recovering for.
I want to stay hopeful, as I peer into the future, but frankly situations have been deteriorating lately, and it has been hard to keep my chin up. Several seemingly hopeful things have fallen through...divorce (which was promised to be over by the end of this year), plans to visit with kids, finances, relationship with then recovering bf, some other friendships. And I just want an island of relief. Substance abuse is not the island I want or need.
All I have now is...prayer? gritty determination? the stories of people here who tell me that recovery is worth it?
Recovery is not responsible for the situations I am in, addiction has much more to do with it. Now I am sweeping up the messes I made, and making good on my debts, or trying to.
I'm basically just very lonely right now.
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