My story - i can't take this anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 12
My story - i can't take this anymore
I have been struggling with Oxy & Xanax addiction on and off for a long time. Here is my story.
~~ The beginning ~~
It all started in High School with a weight lifting accident. I was temporarily put in a wheel chair and was in extreme pain. That was where I became acquainted with the taste. I had never taken prescription pain medication before this point in my life. I was a varsity sports captain, student council president, and very popular. I had it all.
I went off to college and recovered from my injury. I went out for sports, but the injury had left its mark. I had lost over 20 lbs, most of my muscle mass, and all of my former lower body strength. I still wanted to be a part of the team, so I played for 3 years. For the first 3 years of my college life, I stayed away from pain killers. This all changed my senior year. I met a dealer who was selling perc/xanax. I started buying this on Fri/Sat nights to supplement my drinking. It stayed like that through my senior year in college and I never sank into daytime use. It was all recreational & it was so much fun. If I could go back I would have never even started. Even recreational use ENDS BADLY!!
~~ The escalation ~~
After college I got into a good job and I'm still there today, very luckily. My circle of friends consisted of 3-4 people who all used pain killers like I did in college. I kept up my recreational use, and on the weekends I still drank like I was in college. Eventually this started to wane and I didn't go out as much as my longtime GF was in her PHD studies and could not go out as often. As we spent more time apart, I found myself buying percs and xanax for night time use during weeknights. I never did them more than 2 nights in a row and I never felt any WD symptoms.
This went on for 2 years up until I bought my first house and I also became engaged. This is where I escalated my usage...ten fold at least. My neighbor was prescribed both OC 40s and 2MG Xanax cakes. I started buying at least 1/3rd of his prescription a month in addition to supplementing that with drugs from other dealers. Before this point in time, I always swallowed my drugs. Once I started buying the OC40s I would peel off the coating and use a hose clamp to scrape them down so I could snort them. I would also crush up the xanax and snort them as well. OMG how high I would get when I first started. It was the best high I've ever had...nothing topped it. That rush of OC was like nothing that I'd ever felt. The memory loss / high from the xanax was incredible. Time flied by while I was alone while my fiancé was finishing up her PHD. I always told myself that I would stop once she finished as we would be not spending so much time apart. Oh how wrong I was.
Well she finished up her PHD work and started to ask about my drug use more often. She knew I was doing drugs, but had no idea that I was doing it 3 nights during the week and every Fri/Sat. This went on until we were married the next year. I was high for my wedding & honeymoon. It was pathetic.
~~ What almost kills you will make you stronger. ~~
Now I will get into the worst episode of my life and what I am currently going through. This has lasted for around 3 years.
After we were married, my usage continued. Instead of just night time use, it turned into day time use. Instead of one a day, I did one per afternoon and one at night. This increased to 3 times a day, and kept getting worse. The same happened with Xanax too.
I came across my first serious WD when I could not get anymore OCs. I always found more, however, and my usage stayed constant.
This went on even as I fathered a child! My wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in late 2010. I swore that this would curb my usage. It didn't.
It started to sink in that the only way I could get energy was by taking Oxys. It was a downward cycle. I found myself doing xanax to help me sleep and oxys to help me stay awake & energized through the day. This went on for months. I had on/off WD, but I never stuck it out. I was so engulfed in fear. It depressed me which just drove me to more abuse. It is truly a vicious cycle. I am in tears writing this thinking about how bad I have screwed up a major part of my life. I am not even out of the woods yet.
In Sept of this year, my xanax connects cut me off. It was that bad. Everyone in my life knew I was on drugs. I came very close to losing my job. After I was cut off, I went into SEVERE WD. It was so bad I wound up in the hospital and almost died from a seizure. I stayed in the hospital detox ward for upwards of a week. I started seeing a shrink. I was resolve in my determination to be off pills completely. I have met this mark with Xanax and I'm 4 months clean from those death pills.
I have had a harder problem kicking the OCs. I was good for 2 months after the hospital visit, but the itch came back...hard. I did nothing like I was told (Sponsor, meetings, etc.). I reached out to the wrong people and I was back in deep with OCs (200MGs a day). I was about to lose my wife.
Two weeks before XMAS I realized that I had no money to even buy XMAS gifts for my wife or son. I was waking up and snorting a pill in the bathroom before I even hit the shower. I don't know what has come over me, but a new resolve has kicked in and I want to rid myself of these death pills for good. The benefit of doing them is just not there anymore. I have too much to lose.
This is the first time that I have ever told my story in this much detail. Even with my previous episodes I downplayed my usage. This is the first time that I have written down my 8-9 year problem.
The week before XMAS I flushed all of my OXYs down the toilet. I picked up 5GM percs to help with the first few days. I thought that I could do this on my own and I'm wrong. So here I am, reaching out, asking for help. I need it..bad. I am on day 3 of WD and the itch is overpowering. I finished my last 5GM on xmas eve. That helped..I imagine that a cold turkey from 200MG a day would be a lot worse without something to kick in.
I'm going to my priest to confess and seek help. I'm going to my doctor to seek help. I plan on updating this thread as I make progress. I just found out that my wife is pregnant with our second child. I MUST stop! I want to get back to living my life, but I am so scared. I am scared of the withdrawal. I am scared of the depression. I am scared of the energy. I am scared of who I am without pills. I am scared of the unknown.
This is my story; my struggle. I will be praying. Please pray with me.
~~ The beginning ~~
It all started in High School with a weight lifting accident. I was temporarily put in a wheel chair and was in extreme pain. That was where I became acquainted with the taste. I had never taken prescription pain medication before this point in my life. I was a varsity sports captain, student council president, and very popular. I had it all.
I went off to college and recovered from my injury. I went out for sports, but the injury had left its mark. I had lost over 20 lbs, most of my muscle mass, and all of my former lower body strength. I still wanted to be a part of the team, so I played for 3 years. For the first 3 years of my college life, I stayed away from pain killers. This all changed my senior year. I met a dealer who was selling perc/xanax. I started buying this on Fri/Sat nights to supplement my drinking. It stayed like that through my senior year in college and I never sank into daytime use. It was all recreational & it was so much fun. If I could go back I would have never even started. Even recreational use ENDS BADLY!!
~~ The escalation ~~
After college I got into a good job and I'm still there today, very luckily. My circle of friends consisted of 3-4 people who all used pain killers like I did in college. I kept up my recreational use, and on the weekends I still drank like I was in college. Eventually this started to wane and I didn't go out as much as my longtime GF was in her PHD studies and could not go out as often. As we spent more time apart, I found myself buying percs and xanax for night time use during weeknights. I never did them more than 2 nights in a row and I never felt any WD symptoms.
This went on for 2 years up until I bought my first house and I also became engaged. This is where I escalated my usage...ten fold at least. My neighbor was prescribed both OC 40s and 2MG Xanax cakes. I started buying at least 1/3rd of his prescription a month in addition to supplementing that with drugs from other dealers. Before this point in time, I always swallowed my drugs. Once I started buying the OC40s I would peel off the coating and use a hose clamp to scrape them down so I could snort them. I would also crush up the xanax and snort them as well. OMG how high I would get when I first started. It was the best high I've ever had...nothing topped it. That rush of OC was like nothing that I'd ever felt. The memory loss / high from the xanax was incredible. Time flied by while I was alone while my fiancé was finishing up her PHD. I always told myself that I would stop once she finished as we would be not spending so much time apart. Oh how wrong I was.
Well she finished up her PHD work and started to ask about my drug use more often. She knew I was doing drugs, but had no idea that I was doing it 3 nights during the week and every Fri/Sat. This went on until we were married the next year. I was high for my wedding & honeymoon. It was pathetic.
~~ What almost kills you will make you stronger. ~~
Now I will get into the worst episode of my life and what I am currently going through. This has lasted for around 3 years.
After we were married, my usage continued. Instead of just night time use, it turned into day time use. Instead of one a day, I did one per afternoon and one at night. This increased to 3 times a day, and kept getting worse. The same happened with Xanax too.
I came across my first serious WD when I could not get anymore OCs. I always found more, however, and my usage stayed constant.
This went on even as I fathered a child! My wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in late 2010. I swore that this would curb my usage. It didn't.
It started to sink in that the only way I could get energy was by taking Oxys. It was a downward cycle. I found myself doing xanax to help me sleep and oxys to help me stay awake & energized through the day. This went on for months. I had on/off WD, but I never stuck it out. I was so engulfed in fear. It depressed me which just drove me to more abuse. It is truly a vicious cycle. I am in tears writing this thinking about how bad I have screwed up a major part of my life. I am not even out of the woods yet.
In Sept of this year, my xanax connects cut me off. It was that bad. Everyone in my life knew I was on drugs. I came very close to losing my job. After I was cut off, I went into SEVERE WD. It was so bad I wound up in the hospital and almost died from a seizure. I stayed in the hospital detox ward for upwards of a week. I started seeing a shrink. I was resolve in my determination to be off pills completely. I have met this mark with Xanax and I'm 4 months clean from those death pills.
I have had a harder problem kicking the OCs. I was good for 2 months after the hospital visit, but the itch came back...hard. I did nothing like I was told (Sponsor, meetings, etc.). I reached out to the wrong people and I was back in deep with OCs (200MGs a day). I was about to lose my wife.
Two weeks before XMAS I realized that I had no money to even buy XMAS gifts for my wife or son. I was waking up and snorting a pill in the bathroom before I even hit the shower. I don't know what has come over me, but a new resolve has kicked in and I want to rid myself of these death pills for good. The benefit of doing them is just not there anymore. I have too much to lose.
This is the first time that I have ever told my story in this much detail. Even with my previous episodes I downplayed my usage. This is the first time that I have written down my 8-9 year problem.
The week before XMAS I flushed all of my OXYs down the toilet. I picked up 5GM percs to help with the first few days. I thought that I could do this on my own and I'm wrong. So here I am, reaching out, asking for help. I need it..bad. I am on day 3 of WD and the itch is overpowering. I finished my last 5GM on xmas eve. That helped..I imagine that a cold turkey from 200MG a day would be a lot worse without something to kick in.
I'm going to my priest to confess and seek help. I'm going to my doctor to seek help. I plan on updating this thread as I make progress. I just found out that my wife is pregnant with our second child. I MUST stop! I want to get back to living my life, but I am so scared. I am scared of the withdrawal. I am scared of the depression. I am scared of the energy. I am scared of who I am without pills. I am scared of the unknown.
This is my story; my struggle. I will be praying. Please pray with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by dizzydolphin 
Welcome Im, I will be praying for you and your family. Keep reading and posting your progress. It does help. N/A meeting might do some good also, just a thought.
The drive home tonight was tough. I wanted to go to my dealer's house. I drove a different way home so I would avoid his area altogether.
I'm now home and feeling better. Tomorrow will be day 4
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR (((Im))) - I hope you've read around, and see that you are not alone. Though not everyone is addicted to the same thing, how we act as addicts is pretty similar.
Congratulations on day 4!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Congratulations on day 4!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 12
Ok I'm on day 4 now. Last night was tough sleeping, but I managed to get 3-4 hours.
I'm at work right now and the physical symptoms are not as bad as yesterday. I know that they will pick up in the afternoon.
I feel the mental part is much harder. I really want to get some pills. I've deleted all my contacts so it will be harder. It is my sons birthday today so I will use that as my strength.
I think that my Xanax withdrawl I did back in September was honestly much worse than this. It doesn't make it easier, but it does give me the courage to know that I can get through this.
I'm at work right now and the physical symptoms are not as bad as yesterday. I know that they will pick up in the afternoon.
I feel the mental part is much harder. I really want to get some pills. I've deleted all my contacts so it will be harder. It is my sons birthday today so I will use that as my strength.
I think that my Xanax withdrawl I did back in September was honestly much worse than this. It doesn't make it easier, but it does give me the courage to know that I can get through this.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Hi Im, just read this. I am feeling discouraged but reading YOUR determination, and wanting to be there for you so you make it, for yourself and for your son, makes me want to stay with it that much more.
I am in NA too. It gives me something to do when my mind gets idle and goes to thoughts of using, etc. I can make progress in the right direction by applying myself to recovery rather than using.
So glad you posted here, look forward to recovering along with you.
I am in NA too. It gives me something to do when my mind gets idle and goes to thoughts of using, etc. I can make progress in the right direction by applying myself to recovery rather than using.
So glad you posted here, look forward to recovering along with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 242
Im - Glad to see you here at SR. I agree with you that the mental part of recovery is tough. Even a year after being clean from opiates, it still creeps in every now and then. We all have to learn what works for us to deal with the triggers, the addict voice.
Most of us when using designed our lives and our thoughts around our use: counting pills, planning when we would run out or need more, the chase, planning our daily events around our dosing. It ruled our lives.
Let's face it - We were slaves to the drug.
I find that staying busy and exercising help to keep the mental piece at bay. However, everyone is different.
I remember back in the Spring, early in my recovery, being very busy at work one day and thinking that evening - Wow, this is the first time I have thought about my DOC all day. It does get better and better as time passes.
Keep posting and sharing your thoughts and challenges. We are all here for you. I am praying for you.
Most of us when using designed our lives and our thoughts around our use: counting pills, planning when we would run out or need more, the chase, planning our daily events around our dosing. It ruled our lives.
Let's face it - We were slaves to the drug.
I find that staying busy and exercising help to keep the mental piece at bay. However, everyone is different.
I remember back in the Spring, early in my recovery, being very busy at work one day and thinking that evening - Wow, this is the first time I have thought about my DOC all day. It does get better and better as time passes.
Keep posting and sharing your thoughts and challenges. We are all here for you. I am praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by TheReader
Im - Glad to see you here at SR. I agree with you that the mental part of recovery is tough. Even a year after being clean from opiates, it still creeps in every now and then. We all have to learn what works for us to deal with the triggers, the addict voice.
Most of us when using designed our lives and our thoughts around our use: counting pills, planning when we would run out or need more, the chase, planning our daily events around our dosing. It ruled our lives.
Let's face it - We were slaves to the drug.
I find that staying busy and exercising help to keep the mental piece at bay. However, everyone is different.
I remember back in the Spring, early in my recovery, being very busy at work one day and thinking that evening - Wow, this is the first time I have thought about my DOC all day. It does get better and better as time passes.
Keep posting and sharing your thoughts and challenges. We are all here for you. I am praying for you.
Most of us when using designed our lives and our thoughts around our use: counting pills, planning when we would run out or need more, the chase, planning our daily events around our dosing. It ruled our lives.
Let's face it - We were slaves to the drug.
I find that staying busy and exercising help to keep the mental piece at bay. However, everyone is different.
I remember back in the Spring, early in my recovery, being very busy at work one day and thinking that evening - Wow, this is the first time I have thought about my DOC all day. It does get better and better as time passes.
Keep posting and sharing your thoughts and challenges. We are all here for you. I am praying for you.
Glad you decided to reach out here, lm19125, and you are in my thoughts. I'd like to echo what's quoted above. I would also encourage you to find some sort of meeting/program/group/etc. When dealing with my "addict voice" I try to keep it as simple as possible: All I have to do is go to bed sober. If you need to break it down to the hour / minute then so be it.
Best wishes to you & your family - the best gift you can give your son is a sober Dad.
Progressive Metal Vocalist
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: washington, dc
Posts: 98
You must do this. Things can only get worse....marriage, kids, job, nothing will stand in the way of the addiction monster. Keep honest. The only thing you have to do right is NOT USE NO MATTER WHAT. with that, your world will steady, eyes & heart will open and you will love again. i am praying for you...
/=GS
/=GS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 12
I'm on day 5 now. I feel similar to day 4, but my RLS is a little worse. I also have some bad heartburn which isn't helping.
I'm trying to get an APPT with a substance abuse doctor, but no luck so far. Everyone seems to be on skeleton crew this week, and no one is accepting new patients. I am going to try to get in there next week.
I feel better each day, but it is still very difficult. My addict voice is kicking in very hard
I'm trying to get an APPT with a substance abuse doctor, but no luck so far. Everyone seems to be on skeleton crew this week, and no one is accepting new patients. I am going to try to get in there next week.
I feel better each day, but it is still very difficult. My addict voice is kicking in very hard
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 12
The afternoon of day 5 was challenging. The mind game was in total swing. I was able to hold on, and we were able to get out tonight for some authentic mexican food. It felt great walking outside with my family. It also felt great not having strong urges while I was out.
Tomorrow/Sat will be challenging, due to the fact that it will be cold & the weekend. I will need to stay active in order to be able to fight the urges
Tomorrow/Sat will be challenging, due to the fact that it will be cold & the weekend. I will need to stay active in order to be able to fight the urges
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi lm19125,
What an amazing person you are!
When I was on day 5, I was lying in my bed, unable to move more than a few inches, with the exception of crawling my way to the bathroom when I had no choice but to go in there. I didn't even brush my teeth or brush my hair for the first 3 days. I didn't put on "proper" clothes. I don't think I did anything at all except for watch endless old movies and try to to move, since moving hurt. Every exposed surface of skin felt like the nerves were open to the air. But I couldn't really hold still either, since I had restless legs, restless body. I felt like ants were crawling over my body.
Walking outside with the family, going to a Mexican restaurant.... Lordy, no.
I know if I had an oxy anywhere in the vicinity, I would have been in big trouble. But I had made sure I had NO access, because I had been trying to taper all year, and it wasn't working.
I didn't tell my husband what was happening until about Day 4 or 5. I'd have to read my old posts to find out. He thought I had successfully tapered down to almost nothing, so he expected that after I quit taking the pills, I'd be totally fine by the third day. After the first few days, I knew I had to tell him I had lied to him, that my dose was dozens of pills a day, not 1 or 2. So I told him.
That was last Christmas.
After the wrath of God rained down on my head for a few more days (my husband was livid and could not even bring himself to speak to me), and after a few more days of crawling to the bathroom and back, I started my way back to the living. I started to brush my teeth again, brush my hair, put on "real" clothes, even went back to work.
Thinking back, I still am amazed at the lethargy that accompanied early withdrawal. I don't think I've ever had a flu bug as bad as withdrawal was, and it took many more weeks before I felt like I had not permanently damaged my brain and body with drugs.
So, to everyone suffering this season, I want you to know how much better it gets. This is not a fun time to detox, but for me it was just time, and it didn't matter what day of the year it was. This Christmas I had the reward of feeling good for the first Christmas in a long time.
So, keep plugging at it, lm19125. This will be a challenging weekend. You can do it, though. There is no good time to quit opiates. You have a few days behind you that you don't want to have to do over. Build on those days. Every day gets better. Watch out for days you feel like you've backslid, because those will happen here and there. You may wonder if you've been working so hard for no return. But those dips and valleys are short-lived, and there will be fewer of them as you go.
Keep coming on here to post, share, ask questions, get support. It truly helped me to come here when I felt like you do now.
I'll be around, too.
FT
What an amazing person you are!
When I was on day 5, I was lying in my bed, unable to move more than a few inches, with the exception of crawling my way to the bathroom when I had no choice but to go in there. I didn't even brush my teeth or brush my hair for the first 3 days. I didn't put on "proper" clothes. I don't think I did anything at all except for watch endless old movies and try to to move, since moving hurt. Every exposed surface of skin felt like the nerves were open to the air. But I couldn't really hold still either, since I had restless legs, restless body. I felt like ants were crawling over my body.
Walking outside with the family, going to a Mexican restaurant.... Lordy, no.
I know if I had an oxy anywhere in the vicinity, I would have been in big trouble. But I had made sure I had NO access, because I had been trying to taper all year, and it wasn't working.
I didn't tell my husband what was happening until about Day 4 or 5. I'd have to read my old posts to find out. He thought I had successfully tapered down to almost nothing, so he expected that after I quit taking the pills, I'd be totally fine by the third day. After the first few days, I knew I had to tell him I had lied to him, that my dose was dozens of pills a day, not 1 or 2. So I told him.
That was last Christmas.
After the wrath of God rained down on my head for a few more days (my husband was livid and could not even bring himself to speak to me), and after a few more days of crawling to the bathroom and back, I started my way back to the living. I started to brush my teeth again, brush my hair, put on "real" clothes, even went back to work.
Thinking back, I still am amazed at the lethargy that accompanied early withdrawal. I don't think I've ever had a flu bug as bad as withdrawal was, and it took many more weeks before I felt like I had not permanently damaged my brain and body with drugs.
So, to everyone suffering this season, I want you to know how much better it gets. This is not a fun time to detox, but for me it was just time, and it didn't matter what day of the year it was. This Christmas I had the reward of feeling good for the first Christmas in a long time.
So, keep plugging at it, lm19125. This will be a challenging weekend. You can do it, though. There is no good time to quit opiates. You have a few days behind you that you don't want to have to do over. Build on those days. Every day gets better. Watch out for days you feel like you've backslid, because those will happen here and there. You may wonder if you've been working so hard for no return. But those dips and valleys are short-lived, and there will be fewer of them as you go.
Keep coming on here to post, share, ask questions, get support. It truly helped me to come here when I felt like you do now.
I'll be around, too.
FT
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