Don't really want to be done
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
Don't really want to be done
I've been making attempts to stay clean and sober for almost 2 years now, and even went to rehab in April of 2010. I relapsed a lot, about every 2 weeks to a month for a while, and managed to put together 6 months at one point before relapsing again in August. I now have almost 2 months c/s. I have been having cravings for drugs, and also, I just don't see the point in staying clean right now. My kid is across the country and I haven't seen him in months. I can't work right now anyway, so work's not an issue. I am not planning on going out and shooting dope or anything, just the lighter, more recreational stuff that I usually do. I just don't see any reason to be so set on staying clean when it isn't doing anything for me, and I feel like using.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 64
You need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days
Get a sponsor and Get SERIOUS - Don't attempt" to work the steps - but WORK THEM WITH YOUR HEART AND SOUL - make a commitment ! PRAY TO GOD FOR HIS WILL - Get down on your knees ! - You can't do this alone !
and start working those steps !! - NOW - don't wait for ROCK BOTTOM !!
You are listening to the disease talking to you !
Its the disease that wants you to relapse! and use
It will continue to " kick your ass" - until you bottom out, become totally miserable,
lose stuff, and become a total wreck of a person.
That's the disease - YOU can get help - but you have to want it - you may not - so I can't say what it is going to take for you to want and get help - become a street person ??? - Get meals from the mission ??
remember - this a chronic - and progressive disease - it will lead you to the gutter !!
Get a sponsor and Get SERIOUS - Don't attempt" to work the steps - but WORK THEM WITH YOUR HEART AND SOUL - make a commitment ! PRAY TO GOD FOR HIS WILL - Get down on your knees ! - You can't do this alone !
and start working those steps !! - NOW - don't wait for ROCK BOTTOM !!
You are listening to the disease talking to you !
Its the disease that wants you to relapse! and use
It will continue to " kick your ass" - until you bottom out, become totally miserable,
lose stuff, and become a total wreck of a person.
That's the disease - YOU can get help - but you have to want it - you may not - so I can't say what it is going to take for you to want and get help - become a street person ??? - Get meals from the mission ??
remember - this a chronic - and progressive disease - it will lead you to the gutter !!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Originally Posted by Onewithwings 
I've been making attempts to stay clean and sober for almost 2 years now, and even went to rehab in April of 2010. I relapsed a lot, about every 2 weeks to a month for a while, and managed to put together 6 months at one point before relapsing again in August. I now have almost 2 months c/s. I have been having cravings for drugs, and also, I just don't see the point in staying clean right now. My kid is across the country and I haven't seen him in months. I can't work right now anyway, so work's not an issue. I am not planning on going out and shooting dope or anything, just the lighter, more recreational stuff that I usually do. I just don't see any reason to be so set on staying clean when it isn't doing anything for me, and I feel like using.
It's going to happen. Of course it is.
The only thing I can say is this. Once you've made the decision to become a non-drinker and non-substance-user, it's just who you are. All decisions about whether to drink or use then become non-issues.
I feel the same way now as I did before I ever drank or used opiates. I felt bad, I felt good, I felt sick, I felt tired, I felt happy, I felt sad, I felt energetic, then I didn't. I just did life as it came.
So I do the same thing now. I've just removed a few tools from my toolbox that had sharp edges and hooks. Silly analogy, but once you're a non drinker and non-substance-user, those are just things you don't do any more. Things that would make me drink or use while I was still doing those things, still happen to me. I just respond to them differently.
This is just a choice you have to make. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you that you can't drink or use. Those are just decisions you have to make for yourself. Personally, these days I'm more into figuring out ways I can feel better and healthier, because at a year away from opiates, I'm still suffering the repercussions of having used them for two years and change. That's enough damage for me.
I hope you don't fall into the "comfort zone" that using is a sound choice. It's really not. I think you know that, or you would not have made this post.
FT
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I've read your posts for a long time now.
I'd look at how not staying clean has worked for you OWW.
I think you owe it to yourself to try another way.
Is it hard? yes. Are the rewards instant? no.
It takes time and effort for each of us to climb out of the holes we've dug for ourselves - but I guarantee you it's worth it.
give sobriety a real chance, OWW.
D
I'd look at how not staying clean has worked for you OWW.
I think you owe it to yourself to try another way.
Is it hard? yes. Are the rewards instant? no.
It takes time and effort for each of us to climb out of the holes we've dug for ourselves - but I guarantee you it's worth it.
give sobriety a real chance, OWW.
D
Do or do not. There is no try.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
THen dont be done. I saw mother in your signature and it opened something up fresh I am dealing with. I knew a young woman who had 2 kids, single mom, and she wanted to go back to using the lighter, more recreational stuff. Couple months later and those 2 poor kids no longer have a mother, she died of a drug OD just this last week. Merry christmas.
If you arent ready then you arent ready, and nothing can change that.
If you arent ready then you arent ready, and nothing can change that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((OWW))) - I must admit, I'm a bit confused. If using was all that great, why have you been trying to quit? I did quit, then started back using "occasionally" which ended up in a full-blown relapse. Pretty much everyone I've known that's tried "the softer stuff" has ended up back with their DOC.
I do understand not being willing. For me, I had to pray (numerous times a day) to be "willing to be willing" because I really didn't want to give up my DOC for good. In time, I realized one of the "willings" wasn't there any more. I didn't see what was so great about recovery, either, until I'd lived it for a while. Today, I've been through death of loved ones, getting robbed at work twice (and getting pistol-whipped by a murderer), financial crises and other stuff. I must admit, it feels really good to know that I didn't make decisions that were going to come back and bite me in the a$$.
Life doesn't automatically get better when we choose recovery. However, I'm way more aware of all the GOOD stuff that life brings, because of recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I do understand not being willing. For me, I had to pray (numerous times a day) to be "willing to be willing" because I really didn't want to give up my DOC for good. In time, I realized one of the "willings" wasn't there any more. I didn't see what was so great about recovery, either, until I'd lived it for a while. Today, I've been through death of loved ones, getting robbed at work twice (and getting pistol-whipped by a murderer), financial crises and other stuff. I must admit, it feels really good to know that I didn't make decisions that were going to come back and bite me in the a$$.
Life doesn't automatically get better when we choose recovery. However, I'm way more aware of all the GOOD stuff that life brings, because of recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 242
OneWithWings
Most of us here do know how you feel. What we have all done here when we stay clean and sober is probably the biggest challenge of our lives. But, we are doing it for our lives.
I have posted recently about my "addict voice" returning after many months of quietness. Reminds me of the the picture I used to see of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other - one voice saying one thing, the other saying the opposite. I don't think any of us feel that this road is the easy one. It is the narrow road, the road less taken, certainly the harder road.
I, too, have read your posts over the past year and walked the journey will you. So many of us here on SR have. Why should we use? Our normal addict answer is "to kill the pain whether physical or emotional or both". But, we all know it is fleeting, fading, false and dangerous.
I have been going through a bit of depression recently and your post sounds like some of what I have felt. I really find coming her every day to at least read helps me continue down the path I know is the right one. I know deep down in my hear of hearts that I need to stay clean and sober.
Sending good thoughts your way and letting you know we are all here for you.
Most of us here do know how you feel. What we have all done here when we stay clean and sober is probably the biggest challenge of our lives. But, we are doing it for our lives.
I have posted recently about my "addict voice" returning after many months of quietness. Reminds me of the the picture I used to see of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other - one voice saying one thing, the other saying the opposite. I don't think any of us feel that this road is the easy one. It is the narrow road, the road less taken, certainly the harder road.
I, too, have read your posts over the past year and walked the journey will you. So many of us here on SR have. Why should we use? Our normal addict answer is "to kill the pain whether physical or emotional or both". But, we all know it is fleeting, fading, false and dangerous.
I have been going through a bit of depression recently and your post sounds like some of what I have felt. I really find coming her every day to at least read helps me continue down the path I know is the right one. I know deep down in my hear of hearts that I need to stay clean and sober.
Sending good thoughts your way and letting you know we are all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 64
"I just don't see the point in staying clean right now. " (quote)
There is no point to see. You will eventually go down the tubes and hit the gutter.
You won't see a point then either - you will just feel so bad, sick and tired that you will want to quit and get help.
You ain't there yet - and may not get there until you hit rock bottom.
In the meantime you are full of rationalizations, self pity , BS, arrogance, with your inflated EGO, running the show !!
I wish you luck in "seeing the light" before you crash for good !
There is no point to see. You will eventually go down the tubes and hit the gutter.
You won't see a point then either - you will just feel so bad, sick and tired that you will want to quit and get help.
You ain't there yet - and may not get there until you hit rock bottom.
In the meantime you are full of rationalizations, self pity , BS, arrogance, with your inflated EGO, running the show !!
I wish you luck in "seeing the light" before you crash for good !
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 64
BTW - 12 steps is not the only program out there.
There are holistic programs
BUT - the very best I know of is 12 steps and is used in one of the finest of the fine - inpatient detox rehab facilities - like Hazelden !
There are holistic programs
BUT - the very best I know of is 12 steps and is used in one of the finest of the fine - inpatient detox rehab facilities - like Hazelden !
Not again
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
OWW,
It works, believe me, the miracles do happen. And all you have to do is believe (and work for them).
Two years ago I spent christmas "squatting" on a friend-of-a-friends couch, outta work, fresh out of a felony and every dollar still went to crack.
Christmas night (2 days ago) my eldest daughter came to visit, first time....ever. The blessings continued as she told me I am going to be a grandfather. She's a married, college graduate and 27 yrs old. Working in Physical Therapy and her husbands a Chef. And they came to visit me, a recoveredcrackhead. Lord in Heaven, I didn't think I'd see the day. But they do happen those miracles. Sometimes we just don't see them.
I would say that all my work the past two years was duly rewarded and I shall continue to work out of gratitude. Perhaps one day another miracle will happen. I didn't get to say good-bye to my Mother, but I dam sure will strive to with my daughters, when it's my time. And maybe along the way I can nudge someone onto the right path or shoulder the burden for a bit. That would be nice.
I hope you find your path, you certainly have helped me along the way.
Be a well One,
Larry
It works, believe me, the miracles do happen. And all you have to do is believe (and work for them).
Two years ago I spent christmas "squatting" on a friend-of-a-friends couch, outta work, fresh out of a felony and every dollar still went to crack.
Christmas night (2 days ago) my eldest daughter came to visit, first time....ever. The blessings continued as she told me I am going to be a grandfather. She's a married, college graduate and 27 yrs old. Working in Physical Therapy and her husbands a Chef. And they came to visit me, a recoveredcrackhead. Lord in Heaven, I didn't think I'd see the day. But they do happen those miracles. Sometimes we just don't see them.
I would say that all my work the past two years was duly rewarded and I shall continue to work out of gratitude. Perhaps one day another miracle will happen. I didn't get to say good-bye to my Mother, but I dam sure will strive to with my daughters, when it's my time. And maybe along the way I can nudge someone onto the right path or shoulder the burden for a bit. That would be nice.
I hope you find your path, you certainly have helped me along the way.
Be a well One,
Larry
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Originally Posted by larrylive
OWW,
It works, believe me, the miracles do happen. And all you have to do is believe (and work for them).
Two years ago I spent christmas "squatting" on a friend-of-a-friends couch, outta work, fresh out of a felony and every dollar still went to crack.
Christmas night (2 days ago) my eldest daughter came to visit, first time....ever. The blessings continued as she told me I am going to be a grandfather. She's a married, college graduate and 27 yrs old. Working in Physical Therapy and her husbands a Chef. And they came to visit me, a recoveredcrackhead. Lord in Heaven, I didn't think I'd see the day. But they do happen those miracles. Sometimes we just don't see them.
I would say that all my work the past two years was duly rewarded and I shall continue to work out of gratitude. Perhaps one day another miracle will happen. I didn't get to say good-bye to my Mother, but I dam sure will strive to with my daughters, when it's my time. And maybe along the way I can nudge someone onto the right path or shoulder the burden for a bit. That would be nice.
I hope you find your path, you certainly have helped me along the way.
Be a well One,
Larry
It works, believe me, the miracles do happen. And all you have to do is believe (and work for them).
Two years ago I spent christmas "squatting" on a friend-of-a-friends couch, outta work, fresh out of a felony and every dollar still went to crack.
Christmas night (2 days ago) my eldest daughter came to visit, first time....ever. The blessings continued as she told me I am going to be a grandfather. She's a married, college graduate and 27 yrs old. Working in Physical Therapy and her husbands a Chef. And they came to visit me, a recoveredcrackhead. Lord in Heaven, I didn't think I'd see the day. But they do happen those miracles. Sometimes we just don't see them.
I would say that all my work the past two years was duly rewarded and I shall continue to work out of gratitude. Perhaps one day another miracle will happen. I didn't get to say good-bye to my Mother, but I dam sure will strive to with my daughters, when it's my time. And maybe along the way I can nudge someone onto the right path or shoulder the burden for a bit. That would be nice.
I hope you find your path, you certainly have helped me along the way.
Be a well One,
Larry
You are one amazing dude.
I don't know who has inspired me more on this forum. Right now you are top dog.
Much love and happiness to you dear LarryLive,
FT
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
OWW,
Can't forget about you, here.
All I know is that opiates and many other drugs set you out on a road without end, one that gets rockier and more difficult the farther you go. Eventually, it's hard to find your way back.
If you are out there reading this, I hope you come to realize that drugs only offer false promise. Lordy, if they continued to deliver what we thought they did, this would be one happy planet. NOT. Look around you and it is so clear if you just allow yourself to see it.
Much love and peace to you this New Year. I hope we can get a report from you on how you are doing.
FT
Can't forget about you, here.
All I know is that opiates and many other drugs set you out on a road without end, one that gets rockier and more difficult the farther you go. Eventually, it's hard to find your way back.
If you are out there reading this, I hope you come to realize that drugs only offer false promise. Lordy, if they continued to deliver what we thought they did, this would be one happy planet. NOT. Look around you and it is so clear if you just allow yourself to see it.
Much love and peace to you this New Year. I hope we can get a report from you on how you are doing.
FT
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