whoami57

I've been addicted to cocaine since 2008. It started as a thing I would just do a tiny bit of to go out dancing at the bars because it felt good. I was maybe doing one or two bumps once a week. I was fine with this. Well, what I mean by fine is that I didn't think about doing it unless it was pratically put out in front of me. I never paid for it, never looked for it, but I was aware of how easily accesible it was in my group of friends. I should severed my ties when I had the chance. Somethings happened in my life that put a dent in my economic situation. I won't go into detail on why that is important, but I can say that that was the first step to making me want to be around substances in general, familiarize myself with them, and the people that were involved with them in my community. With a giant Yada Yada Yada here.. by 2009 I was pounding back 6 to 7 grams 3 to 4 times a week. No kidding. It was disgusting. This "party" eventually came to a screeching halt..another part of the full story I feel obliged to omit, but for various reasons I left the country I was in and came to the country where my parents are from. The beauty of it all is I always kept in communication with them even though they were far away and since they never asked, I never told what I was really up to. So so far so good right. I'm in another country, away from that whole circle of people, surrounded by family, I have a good job, I'm 3 semesters and a thesis away from finishing my engineering degree. Top of my class, no joke. But I have a huge dark dark secret. And it's the type of thing that I can't tell my family. My secret is that once every two weeks, I go out and buy 3g of blow, I come home and I do it, alone, I don't go out and I don't drink when I do it anymore. I just come home, drop it on mirror, cut it with my blade, throw music on, and I write things. And it's completely ridiculous right, I know it is. It's very interesting to me that it's every two weeks that I get a craving. I think I'm fighting off cravings on daily or bi daily basis, but around the 14 day mark my body just goes nuts. Right before I leave the house to go get it, my stomach gets upset, I get gittery, and clamy. I can barely function normally until I get home and take a hit. For instance if you knew me and were to bump into me during my trip, I probably wouldn't be very interested in anything you have to say and would find it difficult to focus on our conversation. I'm sick and tired of my behavior. I want to put this garbage behind me...and I just can't. I went 3 months a little while ago, and then fell apart. The days I go out to get the stuff, I don't even plan on it. I walk around convinced for two weeks that I'm not going to go get it ever again, but then something snaps and I need to go get it. Is anyone out there familiar with what I'm going through anyone able to relate? I want to get help, but I can't tell my family. I mean ideally you'd want to be honest with them, and it's very easy for people to say "oh you should tell them", but trust me, things aren't so black and white all the time. This is something I have to do alone, I want to do it alone. To whom ever is reading this, do you think that is possible? I feel like I'm so close to quitting.....so so close. I just need something to hang on to when I get that urge every two weeks. I would like to hear back from someone. I don't care if you are writing to simply state that you have gone through something similar, or to ask a question, or to give me advice.

Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas.

bozboz

I didn't go through it with cocaine. Mine was meth. It amazes me that you can go two weeks before your next fix. Seriously. It astounds me. If you can go that whole two weeks, then what is to stop you from going even further? Your mind, (in my opinion), is playing a trick on you. I could not obstain from my drug of choice for longer than an hour, let alone two weeks. Then again, meth is meth and coke is coke. Why do you think it is that you can obstain for so long then HAVE to have it on that two week mark? I hope I'm not coming off as rude to you, definitely not my intention, I am just very curious. I am also three years clean from meth, so I'm sure we can talk more about how to help your situation.

england

I am cocaine addict who managed to cut down using to every 2 weeks (used to use twice a week) - I knew it was a problem but refused to admit it. I thought I could stop but after around 2 weeks clean I would always run back to cocaine - this lasted 6 months. Eventually I told my doctor that I had a problem and she was fantastic - providing me with a support worker and day programme.

Maybe try a meeting at cocaine anonymous (CA) as I found this group to be very supportive and helpful - it took me 2 days to build up the courage to attend but I am so glad it did.

On a positive I am now 111 days clean, so its possible to quit.

I've also not informed my family of my problem and am dealing with it via CA and my support worker.

How I stopped - in no particualr order:

1)Do not socialise with anyone who uses - online or in person
2)Delete dealers numbers from phone and avoid areas that they can be found
3)Work out what triggers your use and try and deal with them. e.g. if its beer then dont drink
4)Attend regular CA meetings
5)use websites like this one for knowledge - great support network available
6) Tell your doctor you need help - they could put you in contact with some additional support groups/ support workers etc. I had paranoia and depression from using cocaine and with my support workers help I am now dealing with this.
6)Not visit any places (pubs etc) where I used

My suggestions may not work for you but this is what I am doing/ did to prevent myself from using

Its not easy to stop but I'm so glad that I am getting my life back on track - I know that you can also stop.

If you need any further help or have any questions about quititng cocaine just reply to this post and I'll do my best to help you

irab

I free based cocaine for 1/1/2 years. I was strongly addicted. Used almost every day at $300. I lost everything. Would not open the mail ( it went into a big box)
I lost house, car, job, marriage, I severely damaged my life.

Some are more prone to addiction to this than others. Some start slow - they become daily users

england

Its hard to explain how I could also cut down to using cocaine every 2 weeks (3 gram binges) - it was as if a voice in my head said that I needed cocaine and I would find my friends who use, get drunk and then make a purchase.

The week after using I was fine and had no cravings but slowly this voice would start to tell me that I needed it and by the time 2 weeks had passed I was almost running out of the office to get some.

When I quit I had paranoid and depression, so I'm not sure if it was something with my body telling me I needed cocaine to try and combat the depression that was slowly building.

bozboz

Thanks for explaining that, england. Two completely different drugs.

england

Although they are 2 different drugs I've met people at my CA meetings who where unable to function without a line of cocaine, so I suppose its down to each individual person and their addiction.

I have heard how addictive meth is, we are very lucky that its not big in England but is slowly starting to grow in popularity.

whoami57

@Boz Boz. You are not at all coming off as rude. I appreciate your reply. I agree. Meth is meth and coke is coke. The addiction must different. At this point in my life I only either have met people who are addicted and are happy with the direction their life is going in, or at least they make themselves feel happy to avoid dealing with the fact that they are addicted, and people who lucky for them are oblivious to the world of drugs. This is why I turned to the internet for help, it is discrete and it also shouts out to many at once. I wanted to focus on your question on why it is two weeks. I can confidently say that the two week interval isn't based on income, and it also isn't based on opportunity (for instance if every two weeks my gf wasn't around or something along those lines). I can only describe it as something part psychological, and also part physical. That seems like a broad way to put it, but that just shows you how little my grasp is on what is going on. I understand the physical nature of the addiction because I've spent an adequate amount of time "googling" the information, but I am at a loss when I try to understand the mental area of it. Here is what I don't understand: The time that goes by that I don't do it is wonderful. I work and study hard. I make time for family and friends. I live a very healthy and seemingly normal life. I don't think that I am suffering from any major depression, but then again some doctors will tell you you are, and others will tell you your not. The science of the mind is very subjective. No one would know I have this problem unless they broke into my house and saw me straw in nose. But, even though my social and material life doesn't take a toll from my addiction, I take it extremely hard personally. After I finish last bit when relapse I immediately start to pound away at myself in my head because this is obviously something I'm not proud of. So to hit back o what I was writing about earlier I don't understand the mentality behind it since it actually doesn't feel good, it feels awful. Why do I keep going back? I feel your question strengthens my belief that I need to figure out why in about two weeks I'm going to "need" my fix. I believe that finding the solution to managing that craving lies within that question. Also, congrats on being clean...I too hope that someday I can be clean.

@ Irab. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I'm sorry you lost so much. Have you fully recovered from the addiction? My honest belief right now is that the worst part of my addiction has already gone by. I was also pretty much a daily user, but I was more involved with the stuff than I should have been, which also meant I could keep the addiction with no toll on my pockets or in my work life. It did however take a toll on my views on morality and ethics. It also tampered with some relationships I had hoped to keep from when I was younger. All that now seems irrelevant though, there are two things on my mind and that is to get off this drug, and to graduate a sober man.

@england. I wanted to start off by telling you it is a huge relief to me to find out that my situation isn't unique. It totally blows my mind that you went to using once every two weeks and 3g fixes too. It is also very nice to hear that someone has been where I am, and has found methods or ways to help themselves. I really feel like I'm am extremely close to being done with it. Sometimes I wish I didn't have any money so the option just wouldn't be there. Thank you for your list of things to try. I'm not so open to going to CA, and that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to go, but I am currently living in a third world country that is not at war but has had more violent deaths than Iraq since 2008 and to seek that kind of help isn't a viable option. I am however going to speak with my doctor on Tuesday, and this is going to sound very dumb, but I never though of that as an option. I am actually very optimistic about this option. This might be too private of a thing to ask, but did you figure out what your trigger was? And if you did, what was it? And what kind of things do you do when you get that urge to make it go away? I can't be certain if it is the same for you, but I don't even feel like it's me driving to the bank machine then to the dealer and then back home. I feel like from the moment the urge comes in, I fight it for like 20 minutes; is probably the most I can manage. Then it's like who ever I am just gets pushed to the side and something else is steering, it's like I'm watching myself do all these things and I'm helpless to stop. I don't fully regain control until I'm through the slopes, which is when I get really angry at myself for the lack of self control.

FT

Hey guys,

I have not been through the cocaine or meth thing. Oxycodone was my gig. I do know that every time I tapered off, or tried to taper off, a switch kind of came on when the opiate level in my bloodstream got to a low enough point to set off tremendous urges that were psychologically unbearable until I went out and got more drug to toss down my gullet.

I am interested in the timeline here. All these drugs mess with the brain chemicals. Your mental wiring truly functions on a different level with these drugs running the show. It isn't rational thought that leads you back down the rabbit hole, it's your brain chemicals out kilter and not firing right when drug-deprived for a period of time, probably dictated by the half life of the drug.

Yeah, I know about half-lives. Theoretically the drug is gone in a few days, in some cases a few hours, but the brain chemicals haven't changed in that short period of time. And it is only so long before the misfiring becomes intolerable, and you seek your drug.

These are my theories, based on a little bit of fact. I don't really have the answer. All I know is that, in order to stop oxys, I had to commit to being sick as hell and in psychological torment in the first days and weeks off the drug. That, or do a substitute drug, which I chose not to do.

Those are just some thoughts. Not answers, just thoughts. I don't know how people quit cocaine and meth. I just know it must be difficult, since so many relapse. Addiction is a shocking affliction, one that you really can't understand until you've experienced it. I'm glad I haven't experienced cocaine or meth, because oxycodone was bad enough.

I wish you guys luck. It is so much better here on the other side of it.

FT

england

To answer your questions:

The main reason I cut down was because I knew I had a problem and if I reduced my cocaine intake to every 14 days I could maintain a normal life and keep my job. Due to twice weekly usage I was missing work and my boss was not happy. I found it very easy to reduce my usage and have a big night every 2 weeks.

My support worker suggested I kept a craving chart and listed every time I thought about cocaine and how strong the want was. I would then list what I did to reduce the craving.

My triggers include – alcohol, meeting friends who use, being around people who use, certain places (e.g pubs, clubs), house parties, people talking about drugs, seeing drugs on TV or the thought could pop into my head at any time

To suppress the triggers I made some major life changes as I knew this drug was in the process of stealing my sole:

1) Going to the gym and using weights or a punch bag. I am also cycling 14 miles per day
2) Cut ties with all friends who use – this has reduced my social circle by 60% but I now have fun with people who do not use. I don’t trust myself if someone offers me a line – I don’t want to test myself
3) Read a book
4) Have a hot bath
5) Cocaine made me ill with dyspepsia, paranoia, depression and panic attacks – every time I think about cocaine I always remember how ill it made me and the fear of returning to this scares the **** out of me
6) Look at the dent in my nose and think that it will get worse if I start using again. I am waiting to see an ENT to see what damage I have done, hopefully not much

As you can see, fear is currently my main deterrent so I need to focus on developing my other suppression methods for the future. Other people may be able to help here?
I can appreciate that CA meetings will probably be impossible to attend in your situation – some addiction websites offer online meetings, maybe you could give this a try? For example NA UK have online meetings, I’ve not tried it but its something you could consider.

Without some form of external help I would not be able to work through this addiction, as its so helpful to just talk to someone. Being told that I had some signs of depression and paranoia scared me but I since I quit cocaine they have slowly started to feel normal again.

Like you I was also on auto pilot when making a purchase – I knew it was wrong but could not stop.

Congratulations on realising that you have a problem as that’s a big step.

As per my previous post – any more questions then fire away 

irab

I have been c/s from cocaine for 12 years
I quite after hitting a hard rock bottom - lost everything - sick and tired and no longer willing to pay the emotional or financial price. Multiple relapses before I finally and completely surrendered! Used for 1/ 1/2 years. I severely damaged my life !!

neferkamichael

I was immediately addicted to cocaine the 1st time I snorted it 32 years ago. Finally bottomed out, actually bottomed out more than once over that period of time. Been sober 1 year, 5 months, 24 days. Been off crack 103 days today. Merry Christmas everybody, thanks for the help

irab

I free based for 1 1/2 years . I know I was instantly addicted because the first time - "i used I felt like " god almighty" ( also have bipolar disorder and PTSD which plays a roll

Merry Christmas to everyone !! Stay clean and work the steps !

whoami57

I am really thrilled and amazed at how quickly I got response from people on this thread. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone in the world and that here is a glimmer of hope left.

Today is day one of my recovery. I thought about cocaine briefly and quickly shut it out of my mind. This is easy as I explained before the craving only really gets really controlling after about two weeks. I know this is of no interest for anyone here but I will be posting on this thread everyday to say how much I thought about it, what triggered the thoughts, and if I did it or not. I hope that this open-es is a form of oer coming the urge when it inevitably hits me.

Merry Christmas everyone. Even though I received gifts and food...the greatest gift of all today was every ones posts today. Now I know I am not alone and that I can overcome this. Much love.

irab

There are anti depressant meds which can help with cocaine cravings and are non addictive.
Advise NOT to use the forum as your personal written relapse prevention plan -

which you can make with help of sponsor - they are on line
list triggers and how to cope with them etc etc.
I put on index card and carry with me to refer and remind me, so that it right front in my awareness. ( and will not "creep" up on you !!

irab

You are definitely NOT alone - there are plenty of us !
we are here to support and help you.
May your recovery journey go well for you.

1983ritag

Thank you for posting. It refreshes my memory on how powerless I was over cocaine not very long ago. I seem to forget that sometimes and it makes me think, "wow, it's not that bad, right?" It I'd bad though. It's horrible and it's evil. I hope you find a way to free yourself from those chains. The sun shines a lot brighter nowadays. Good luck to you. We are all here and understand what you are going thru.

irab

I was absolutely powerless over freebasing coke for 1 1/2 years. I relapsed many times. I lost everything and completely damaged my life ! - - I finally surrendered. and have been c/s for 12 years thru 12 steps.
It can be done ! - It works !

whoami57

Update: Thanks all for the continued replies. Killed a small craving today, which is no big deal because like I said it hasn't been two weeks since yet. It was triggered because I had nothing to do. My eyes got warm and I started to sweat and got gittery. I killed it by drinking water, running for 20 min on my treadmill and doing the prep work for a meat loaf I am going to bake later. I also yelled and told my self off in the mirror! Feeling good again and looking forward to a quiet night in watching some movies and eating that loaf. Big day tomorrow as I have an appointment with my doctor to see if she can provide me with any help for this.

Impurrfect

(((whoami))) - my doc (drug of choice) was crack, powder never really measured up. I quit once, after being locked up for almost 6 months, but then started "dabbling" in it. Once a month, then twice a month, and then I ended up in a really bad relapse.

Cocaine doesn't cause the physical withdrawals, like opiates do, but the mental ones are a b***h. There were actually times I had to talk myself INTO using, as a glimpse of my recovery self surfaced - how sick is that?

What helped me was each time the cravings came up, I'd remember my relapse and would tell myself "not an option...next!" The "next" part was a cue to distract myself in some healthier way. I don't know how long it took, but I remember being at "next" before I even realized I'd been thinking about crack.

I did crack 24/7, prostituted myself to get it, lived on the streets or in empty apt. buildings. At one time, I was a really good nurse, but lost that career.

Today? I've got 4 years and 9 months clean. Life still has it's ups and downs, but it's a really cool feeling knowing I'm not doing anything to bring MORE bad consequences on me, I'm not doing anything illegal to put me back in jail. SR has provided all the support I need (along with a few f2f friends/family), but some people need more - there are all kinds of recovery methods.

Recovery is totally do-able, and there are a lot of us here to help you walk "recovery road".

Hugs and prayers,

Amy