Ending A Relationship With An Addict, But Still Wanting To Help Them
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Atlanta,GA
Posts: 38
Ending A Relationship With An Addict, But Still Wanting To Help Them
Ending a long term relationship is never easy for anyone. After finding out my boyfriend had relapsed I didn't know what to think or feel. He came over to my place to talk about everything but it was him trying to justify his relapsing. When I asked him if he wants to be sober and healthy, he never gave me a flat out yes or no. He kept talking in circles about the things he wanted and how he wants to be sober (non of which made any sense nor had to do with him being sober) and it became aggravating.
When I woke up today I wasn't sure on how to go about my day. He called me and didn't have anything new to say. I then asked him again if he wanted to be sober and live healthy, again not getting a flat out yes or no. It finally clicked that he'll never want to be sober and I have to start taking care of myself instead of him for a change. I can't be with someone that can't take care of them self. Not to mention he didn't have much of a reaction to me ending the relationship.
Although I've been trying to forget about ending my 4 1/2 year relationship by sleeping for most of the day, I'm feeling ok. As sad as I am about the relationship being over and him making it clear that he's not ready to be sober, I'm just wondering where to go from here? A part of me wants to be there for him but the other part thinks that having no contact will help him. What am I supposed to do? How do I move on worrying about him and wondering if there is anything I can or supposed to do?
Input is always appreciated.
When I woke up today I wasn't sure on how to go about my day. He called me and didn't have anything new to say. I then asked him again if he wanted to be sober and live healthy, again not getting a flat out yes or no. It finally clicked that he'll never want to be sober and I have to start taking care of myself instead of him for a change. I can't be with someone that can't take care of them self. Not to mention he didn't have much of a reaction to me ending the relationship.
Although I've been trying to forget about ending my 4 1/2 year relationship by sleeping for most of the day, I'm feeling ok. As sad as I am about the relationship being over and him making it clear that he's not ready to be sober, I'm just wondering where to go from here? A part of me wants to be there for him but the other part thinks that having no contact will help him. What am I supposed to do? How do I move on worrying about him and wondering if there is anything I can or supposed to do?
Input is always appreciated.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,359
Hi Panda
welcome
I think it's very hard to help someone who doesn't want help, or perhaps doesn't even see there's a problem at all.
Have you looked at our Family & Friends section? I think you'll gain a lot from reading and posting there as well
D
welcome
I think it's very hard to help someone who doesn't want help, or perhaps doesn't even see there's a problem at all.
Have you looked at our Family & Friends section? I think you'll gain a lot from reading and posting there as well
D
icutrauma1
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: columbia , md
Posts: 41
From my personal experience the classic reading posts of "What Addicts Do", Tazman53, ""An open Letter To MY Family", "I Am An Addict" by Passion.
It showed me just what a difference I could make in my AGF life by being there for here. The difference you might be asking. NONE.
The readings put into perspective my part to care for myself and to take responsibility & ownership of my happiness.
I changed people places habits. Yes it applies to more than addicts. I didn't call my XAGF friends to find out about her, I started visiting a different place besides my bed all day(Al-anon, Nar anon), and I developed the habit of
read read read to increase my healing & recovery of being codependent. So did her mother.
Take care & keep coming back.:ghug3
It showed me just what a difference I could make in my AGF life by being there for here. The difference you might be asking. NONE.
The readings put into perspective my part to care for myself and to take responsibility & ownership of my happiness.
I changed people places habits. Yes it applies to more than addicts. I didn't call my XAGF friends to find out about her, I started visiting a different place besides my bed all day(Al-anon, Nar anon), and I developed the habit of
read read read to increase my healing & recovery of being codependent. So did her mother.
Take care & keep coming back.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Sterling Heights
Posts: 57
Hi Panda, well I'm not sure what to say but here's my take on it. Ok what if he had said that he wants to be sober and lied to you and contiuned doing what he is doing? Wouldn't that be much worse?
It's never easy to end a relationship but at some point I think you know if it's something you guys can get beyond or if your EX is going to be all the time towards his addiction. Some people will stop themselves before it's too late and some people really have to learn the hard way. In then end you love and care about him but you are not the one with the addicition. You offered to help him but if he doesn't seem responsive there's not much else you can do. You shouldn't have to take responsiblity for someone elses actions no matter how much you love him. I think you should be happy with yourself that you tried to do all you could for him and move on. Give him some time if he can clean up his act and realize the mistakes he's made and try to corrent them you can always step in and help him out but for you to be the driving force in order for him to quit is a recipe for more heart aches and sorrow. He has to be the one that does it.
It's never easy to end a relationship but at some point I think you know if it's something you guys can get beyond or if your EX is going to be all the time towards his addiction. Some people will stop themselves before it's too late and some people really have to learn the hard way. In then end you love and care about him but you are not the one with the addicition. You offered to help him but if he doesn't seem responsive there's not much else you can do. You shouldn't have to take responsiblity for someone elses actions no matter how much you love him. I think you should be happy with yourself that you tried to do all you could for him and move on. Give him some time if he can clean up his act and realize the mistakes he's made and try to corrent them you can always step in and help him out but for you to be the driving force in order for him to quit is a recipe for more heart aches and sorrow. He has to be the one that does it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 24
Hi panda
Hi im not much help like im going through the same thing you have to learn to let go with love and leaving them be .you have to do it for you he may have an awaking he may not thats not for you to decide for him if you walked ...i walked its only been 21 days but im not going back because i had to learn by going to al-anon that I came 1st my health comes first because his wasnt and mine was starting to get to the same point unmanageable ...do i love him yes with all my heart but being with him was just destroying both of us than my selfishness of wanting to keep him just to think i could save him ... it will get better in time i promise STAY STRONG .... Xx
we have to live just for today !
we have to live just for today !
Originally Posted by Panda13 
Ending a long term relationship is never easy for anyone. After finding out my boyfriend had relapsed I didn't know what to think or feel. He came over to my place to talk about everything but it was him trying to justify his relapsing. When I asked him if he wants to be sober and healthy, he never gave me a flat out yes or no. He kept talking in circles about the things he wanted and how he wants to be sober (non of which made any sense nor had to do with him being sober) and it became aggravating.
When I woke up today I wasn't sure on how to go about my day. He called me and didn't have anything new to say. I then asked him again if he wanted to be sober and live healthy, again not getting a flat out yes or no. It finally clicked that he'll never want to be sober and I have to start taking care of myself instead of him for a change. I can't be with someone that can't take care of them self. Not to mention he didn't have much of a reaction to me ending the relationship.
Although I've been trying to forget about ending my 4 1/2 year relationship by sleeping for most of the day, I'm feeling ok. As sad as I am about the relationship being over and him making it clear that he's not ready to be sober, I'm just wondering where to go from here? A part of me wants to be there for him but the other part thinks that having no contact will help him. What am I supposed to do? How do I move on worrying about him and wondering if there is anything I can or supposed to do?
Input is always appreciated.
When I woke up today I wasn't sure on how to go about my day. He called me and didn't have anything new to say. I then asked him again if he wanted to be sober and live healthy, again not getting a flat out yes or no. It finally clicked that he'll never want to be sober and I have to start taking care of myself instead of him for a change. I can't be with someone that can't take care of them self. Not to mention he didn't have much of a reaction to me ending the relationship.
Although I've been trying to forget about ending my 4 1/2 year relationship by sleeping for most of the day, I'm feeling ok. As sad as I am about the relationship being over and him making it clear that he's not ready to be sober, I'm just wondering where to go from here? A part of me wants to be there for him but the other part thinks that having no contact will help him. What am I supposed to do? How do I move on worrying about him and wondering if there is anything I can or supposed to do?
Input is always appreciated.
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