Sobriety was easy, my depression is not (Very long post)
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Iowa
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Sobriety was easy, my depression is not (Very long post)
I have been sober for just over eight months now, which has been a long and arduous affair, but one in which I have encountered little difficulty. In the wake of my sobriety however, my depression, which I have had for well over a decade, has taken center stage and become my principal difficulty in life.
My depression, as far as I can remember, began when I was twelve. A woman who was very much like my mother, a woman that I was closer to than my mother in many respects, died. This completely upended my life and I became very withdrawn. I spent a great deal of time playing video games and existing through a variety of identities on the internet, posing as other persons, delving into online roleplaying communities, doing whatever I could to escape reality.
My father was also very physically and verbally abusive and my older brother, who had been my best friend until I was transferred into his grade, teased and mocked and beat me relentlessly. My mother spent all her time trying to stay in my father's good graces, so I felt alone. It was shortly after that time that I began burning myself, a habit that continued until I was 21.
I entered college at sixteen and it was a disaster. My depression and anxiety reached all time highs, culminating in panic attacks in which I saw blood on my wrists and on my walls and it kept flowing. I started medication at that time. I transferred colleges at eighteen, but during that first year at my new college, my father pinned a bevy of tax evasion crimes on my mother. I dropped out to take care of my younger siblings until she was released from the detention center stay that the judge had given her because of her 'crimes'.
During the time I spent taking care of my siblings, I began drinking a lot. At first, I was drinking on the road. I would grab a six pack of beers and drink during the drive from my home to my college to stay awake. I have a difficult time staying awake, especially while driving. I recently had a sleep study done to try and figure that problem out. Drinking consumed me for the next three years, and I reached my breaking point not after a suicide attempt, but after totaling two cars in three weeks.
So, I find myself sober, but unable to cope with my depression. Over the past eight months, I have existed in a sort of fugue-like state, with periods of clarity. I have done very little; most of my time has been spent playing video games, sleeping, and going to work at a Starbucks near here. The routine and the mundaneness of my days makes me incredibly irritable and frustrated.
Recently, I have put together my applications for graduate school and my full manuscript that I'm using for said applications. Writing and teaching are the only two things I have any passion for, nowadays, and even that, even calling it a passion, is a bit of a stretch. I'm applying for my MFA in Nonfiction Writing, because it's the only thing I can think of doing with myself right now and it's the only thing I enjoy.
However, now I have trouble writing. I have trouble reading. I have trouble doing anything without finding myself bored or frustrated or blocked off immediately. And so I just don't do anything and I meander through life, through repetitive days, through a very mundane and unfulfilling existence, without any motivation whatsoever to change it. I desperately need to change it. I am withering away and moving closer and closer to an eventual collapse in which I will either relapse and begin drinking again or I will relapse and begin burning myself again or I will decide to just kill myself.
I hate my life. I hate myself. A large part, perhaps the entirety, of my depression centers around my self-hatred and my lack of self-esteem. I think of myself as lazy, as unattractive, as unintelligent. I think of myself as a waste, as unfulfilled, as wasted promise and talent. I feel i have nothing to give back to the world and that I will forever be mediocre instead of exceptional, and that anything besides exceptional is worthless. My father ingrained these ideas into me, I think.
I also feel out of place in my own skin. I am black, but my father never liked blacks and I absorbed a lot of his dislike and his discomfort. But mostly what I feel is frustration and anger towards the black community, towards the infighting and the lack of solidarity, towards the idiocy. I feel that I must be representative of the entirety of the black race, because so many others are representing us poorly. I must be exceptional both to live up to my personal expectations and to defy the expectations that people hold of blacks and black men.
This is what I struggle with: a complete lack of motivation and purpose, a complete lack of self-esteem and self-worth, and a complete lack of personal and social identity. These three things have become a sort of maelstrom from which I find myself unable to escape. I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe just to vent, maybe to get help. My therapist wants me to form a recovery plan for depression, like I did for my alcoholism. But my alcoholism has a simple, clear way to fight it –*don't drink. If I simply do not drink each and every day, then I will be okay, in that regard. My depression is a mystery, an immense foe that has haunted me for many years, and I have very little motivation to fight it and I am at a loss for things to try. Thankfully, my medication staves off the worst of it.
My depression, as far as I can remember, began when I was twelve. A woman who was very much like my mother, a woman that I was closer to than my mother in many respects, died. This completely upended my life and I became very withdrawn. I spent a great deal of time playing video games and existing through a variety of identities on the internet, posing as other persons, delving into online roleplaying communities, doing whatever I could to escape reality.
My father was also very physically and verbally abusive and my older brother, who had been my best friend until I was transferred into his grade, teased and mocked and beat me relentlessly. My mother spent all her time trying to stay in my father's good graces, so I felt alone. It was shortly after that time that I began burning myself, a habit that continued until I was 21.
I entered college at sixteen and it was a disaster. My depression and anxiety reached all time highs, culminating in panic attacks in which I saw blood on my wrists and on my walls and it kept flowing. I started medication at that time. I transferred colleges at eighteen, but during that first year at my new college, my father pinned a bevy of tax evasion crimes on my mother. I dropped out to take care of my younger siblings until she was released from the detention center stay that the judge had given her because of her 'crimes'.
During the time I spent taking care of my siblings, I began drinking a lot. At first, I was drinking on the road. I would grab a six pack of beers and drink during the drive from my home to my college to stay awake. I have a difficult time staying awake, especially while driving. I recently had a sleep study done to try and figure that problem out. Drinking consumed me for the next three years, and I reached my breaking point not after a suicide attempt, but after totaling two cars in three weeks.
So, I find myself sober, but unable to cope with my depression. Over the past eight months, I have existed in a sort of fugue-like state, with periods of clarity. I have done very little; most of my time has been spent playing video games, sleeping, and going to work at a Starbucks near here. The routine and the mundaneness of my days makes me incredibly irritable and frustrated.
Recently, I have put together my applications for graduate school and my full manuscript that I'm using for said applications. Writing and teaching are the only two things I have any passion for, nowadays, and even that, even calling it a passion, is a bit of a stretch. I'm applying for my MFA in Nonfiction Writing, because it's the only thing I can think of doing with myself right now and it's the only thing I enjoy.
However, now I have trouble writing. I have trouble reading. I have trouble doing anything without finding myself bored or frustrated or blocked off immediately. And so I just don't do anything and I meander through life, through repetitive days, through a very mundane and unfulfilling existence, without any motivation whatsoever to change it. I desperately need to change it. I am withering away and moving closer and closer to an eventual collapse in which I will either relapse and begin drinking again or I will relapse and begin burning myself again or I will decide to just kill myself.
I hate my life. I hate myself. A large part, perhaps the entirety, of my depression centers around my self-hatred and my lack of self-esteem. I think of myself as lazy, as unattractive, as unintelligent. I think of myself as a waste, as unfulfilled, as wasted promise and talent. I feel i have nothing to give back to the world and that I will forever be mediocre instead of exceptional, and that anything besides exceptional is worthless. My father ingrained these ideas into me, I think.
I also feel out of place in my own skin. I am black, but my father never liked blacks and I absorbed a lot of his dislike and his discomfort. But mostly what I feel is frustration and anger towards the black community, towards the infighting and the lack of solidarity, towards the idiocy. I feel that I must be representative of the entirety of the black race, because so many others are representing us poorly. I must be exceptional both to live up to my personal expectations and to defy the expectations that people hold of blacks and black men.
This is what I struggle with: a complete lack of motivation and purpose, a complete lack of self-esteem and self-worth, and a complete lack of personal and social identity. These three things have become a sort of maelstrom from which I find myself unable to escape. I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe just to vent, maybe to get help. My therapist wants me to form a recovery plan for depression, like I did for my alcoholism. But my alcoholism has a simple, clear way to fight it –*don't drink. If I simply do not drink each and every day, then I will be okay, in that regard. My depression is a mystery, an immense foe that has haunted me for many years, and I have very little motivation to fight it and I am at a loss for things to try. Thankfully, my medication staves off the worst of it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's more common than not for alcoholics to also suffer from a mental illness like depression or bipolar. I've been sober for over 20 years and had to also deal with depression because if I don't, I'll drink again to self-medicate. I found a wonderful shrink who has prescribed meds and a cognitive therapist to keep my depression in check. Depression is a dangerous disease so I suggest seeing someone who can help.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I could relate to much of your post. I too am a recovering alcoholic who fights with depression. I have been sober nearly 11 years now. Sobriety has been a breeze compared to fighting with the mental health issues. I am fortunate as the obsession to drink was lifted early in my recovery and has not returned. When I am stressed, unlike many recovering alcoholics, my first thought is not about picking up a drink but it is about suicide.
I don't know that my mental health issues have been worse since I have stopped drinking but I do know that I am more aware of them without alcohol to cloud my awareness. I believe they were always present and as far back as I can remember depression has been a companion of mine. There have been times when I have questioned if I am an alcoholic because I know that I self medicated my mental health problems with alcohol. But when those thoughts come up I always come to the same conclusion; it is not worth the risk of taking that first drink to find out as I never want to go back to where I was when I stopped drinking.
So today I have my mental health team to treat my mental health issues and I treat my alcoholism with AA. I know that if I am not sober I can not properly address my mental health problems and find solutions and if I don't address my mental health problems then I can not stay sober. They are intertwined for me even though I have to treat them separately.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I don't know that my mental health issues have been worse since I have stopped drinking but I do know that I am more aware of them without alcohol to cloud my awareness. I believe they were always present and as far back as I can remember depression has been a companion of mine. There have been times when I have questioned if I am an alcoholic because I know that I self medicated my mental health problems with alcohol. But when those thoughts come up I always come to the same conclusion; it is not worth the risk of taking that first drink to find out as I never want to go back to where I was when I stopped drinking.
So today I have my mental health team to treat my mental health issues and I treat my alcoholism with AA. I know that if I am not sober I can not properly address my mental health problems and find solutions and if I don't address my mental health problems then I can not stay sober. They are intertwined for me even though I have to treat them separately.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by nandm 
When I am stressed, unlike many recovering alcoholics, my first thought is not about picking up a drink but it is about suicide.
Very well put. I am in the same boat with my mental illness. I find sobriety quite straight forward, but the mental health issue that I deal with is very tricky indeed. In fact, the only reason i drank was to self medicate. I suppose what i am trying to say is that you do need to seperate the issues of depression and alcoholism if you want to be well.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Well, as far as I am concerned, being intelligent and being in your early 20s can be depressing in and of itself. My early 20s was like waking up from a deep sleep. I all of a sudden became aware of the world around me in ways I just never noticed before...and a lot of what I saw and felt, I didn't like.
I can't begin to tell you how much easier seeing a psychiatrist and getting medication for my depression in early sobriety has helped. Big time.
Also, I believe the brain is a muscle just like anything else and if we don't train or exercise it correctly, it just sort of becomes lethargic and "blah" like any other part of our body. Not only does medication help me, but retraining my brain to stop focusing on the negative has been a conscious thing that I continually work on.
I would strongly suggest you at least try and see a psychiatrist if you have not already.
I can't begin to tell you how much easier seeing a psychiatrist and getting medication for my depression in early sobriety has helped. Big time.
Also, I believe the brain is a muscle just like anything else and if we don't train or exercise it correctly, it just sort of becomes lethargic and "blah" like any other part of our body. Not only does medication help me, but retraining my brain to stop focusing on the negative has been a conscious thing that I continually work on.
I would strongly suggest you at least try and see a psychiatrist if you have not already.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
Every single one of you that have posted here has told my story in regards to the depression. I take medication for it and have for years. Unfortunately I drank and drugged on and off(more on) while taking it and that simply is not a good idea. I am currently 33 days sober, and the depression is pretty oppresive right now.
No motivation, lots of sleep, no passion for anything that I used to love. Just a dark cloud. I am hoping the chemicals in my brain will equilized after a little more time in sobriety, but if they don't fairly soon, I'm going to have to do something about it. Thanks for the thread and the posts.
God bless.
No motivation, lots of sleep, no passion for anything that I used to love. Just a dark cloud. I am hoping the chemicals in my brain will equilized after a little more time in sobriety, but if they don't fairly soon, I'm going to have to do something about it. Thanks for the thread and the posts.
God bless.
MK87
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 17
I'm so depressed I can't even write a full response to this. But this here->"When I am stressed, unlike many recovering alcoholics, my first thought is not about picking up a drink but it is about suicide. " Made me happy. I guess I am an alcoholic and depressed. What a ******* bunch of laughs this is. I don't see a doctor for depression but after 4 years of being "sober" and I still want to kill myself, I am almost ready to give in to the mental health field. Almost, only because I don't have enough courage to kill myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Four years is a very long time to be miserable. With so much stigma about mental illness, it can be most difficult to get help, especially when you are too depressed to care for yourself.
I adapted a saying from AA: I KNOW that I have another depression in me, I don't KNOW that I have another recovery in me.
The demands, expectations and abuse that occurred to you really hurts and continues to lie to you. The depression changes your brain functioning so that it lies to you. This kind of depression must be treated medically by a good specialist, a good psychiatrist and regular therapy.
No amount of strength of will power, good character and intelligence all combined are enough to battle chemical malfunctioning in the brain anymore than it would in any other bodily organ, the brain being the most complex and least understood. But modern neuroscience is moving at a fast pace.
If I were born in a previous era prior to modern medication, I have no doubt I would be dead and would have caused lifelong damage to my family. There are members of my family I do not like, but I am also the survivor of my son's suicide and ethically, knowing firsthand the lifelong grief and consequences, I cannot let myself become so ill that it becomes a possibility.
I have taken myself to the emergency room before. More than once....due to moving and a discontinuation of my urgently necessary medications in transitioning in the move.
I also see my pdr twice a month for psychotherapy. Some people choose other types of counselors, what matters is who works best with you.
I assure you that at my first appmt a year ago......due to the move and not getting my meds, I went into his office having become an agoraphobic zombie.
I am not home free yet. I am no longer depressed but now I am working out issues with a clear head, goals in treatment and really looking forward to a return to wellness that I suspect wil be more well than I have ever been in my life.
Wow, that is alot of hope coming from someone who has often had none.
None of this is possible in depression without medical treatment first and foremost in my experience.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))
I adapted a saying from AA: I KNOW that I have another depression in me, I don't KNOW that I have another recovery in me.
The demands, expectations and abuse that occurred to you really hurts and continues to lie to you. The depression changes your brain functioning so that it lies to you. This kind of depression must be treated medically by a good specialist, a good psychiatrist and regular therapy.
No amount of strength of will power, good character and intelligence all combined are enough to battle chemical malfunctioning in the brain anymore than it would in any other bodily organ, the brain being the most complex and least understood. But modern neuroscience is moving at a fast pace.
If I were born in a previous era prior to modern medication, I have no doubt I would be dead and would have caused lifelong damage to my family. There are members of my family I do not like, but I am also the survivor of my son's suicide and ethically, knowing firsthand the lifelong grief and consequences, I cannot let myself become so ill that it becomes a possibility.
I have taken myself to the emergency room before. More than once....due to moving and a discontinuation of my urgently necessary medications in transitioning in the move.
I also see my pdr twice a month for psychotherapy. Some people choose other types of counselors, what matters is who works best with you.
I assure you that at my first appmt a year ago......due to the move and not getting my meds, I went into his office having become an agoraphobic zombie.
I am not home free yet. I am no longer depressed but now I am working out issues with a clear head, goals in treatment and really looking forward to a return to wellness that I suspect wil be more well than I have ever been in my life.
Wow, that is alot of hope coming from someone who has often had none.
None of this is possible in depression without medical treatment first and foremost in my experience.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sarasota FL
Posts: 281
Based on my personal experience and education; alcoholism is a mental illness unto itself. Its in the DSM as a mental diagnosis.
In "How It Works"; "there are those among us who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders." But we do have the capacity to recover if we are honest. Being honest for me meant that at 5 yrs sober and the onset of symptoms that had hibernated all my life- I was faced with institutionalization or getting professional help. I didnt REALLLY want to committ suicide- I insanely (lol) believed there was something better out there for me and had the will to survive - miraculously. I have 3 separate and serious diagnosis. Yet- to look at me today and get to know me- one would not immediatly suspect this. It was due to starting therapy at 5 years sober for the next 20 years, going to a shrink (still do) and taking prescribed medication. I WAS DESPARATE to be "joyous ,happy and free". And I found out its entirely possible if I am willing to go to ANY lengths.
You are so young....I was so young....My life is beautiful....this can happen for you if you are willing to make the changes necessary to truly recover from all your maladies. The 20 years dealing/addressing/focusing on my MI hasnt been torture- alot of joy and happiness along the way...and I have stayed sober thru the love of the fellowship and "the program". My "program" has evolved and I go to Dual Recovery Anonymous meetings now.
I wish you the best.
In "How It Works"; "there are those among us who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders." But we do have the capacity to recover if we are honest. Being honest for me meant that at 5 yrs sober and the onset of symptoms that had hibernated all my life- I was faced with institutionalization or getting professional help. I didnt REALLLY want to committ suicide- I insanely (lol) believed there was something better out there for me and had the will to survive - miraculously. I have 3 separate and serious diagnosis. Yet- to look at me today and get to know me- one would not immediatly suspect this. It was due to starting therapy at 5 years sober for the next 20 years, going to a shrink (still do) and taking prescribed medication. I WAS DESPARATE to be "joyous ,happy and free". And I found out its entirely possible if I am willing to go to ANY lengths.
You are so young....I was so young....My life is beautiful....this can happen for you if you are willing to make the changes necessary to truly recover from all your maladies. The 20 years dealing/addressing/focusing on my MI hasnt been torture- alot of joy and happiness along the way...and I have stayed sober thru the love of the fellowship and "the program". My "program" has evolved and I go to Dual Recovery Anonymous meetings now.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 81
Well, I want to say that you are a really good writer, so if you feel the need to be "exceptional" or whatever then you should pursue it, it's a talent not many people have. Maybe your hardships will be the material that you write about. Lots of great artists/ writers have had tough times, it fuels creativity (once you're healed, that is)....
Take care, a lot of us (including myself) can relate to depression and self harm.
Take care, a lot of us (including myself) can relate to depression and self harm.
Sally1009
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 467
Thanks for this thread. I had been suffering from major depression for at least 20 years before I turned to alcohol in desperation; as well to give me some sleep.
It's the worst feeling I know..
My doctors/ psyhiatrists have tried me on many kinds of antideprassants, all with their own unique set of horrifying side effects.
I'm currently trying to come off a major one called Amisulpride. I gained a horrifying amount weight on, cant concentrate etc etc. the nightmare with this drug is that if I try to come off it, the rebound depression is so intense I'm liable to use alcohol to cope with it. A horrible trap....
It's the worst feeling I know..
My doctors/ psyhiatrists have tried me on many kinds of antideprassants, all with their own unique set of horrifying side effects.
I'm currently trying to come off a major one called Amisulpride. I gained a horrifying amount weight on, cant concentrate etc etc. the nightmare with this drug is that if I try to come off it, the rebound depression is so intense I'm liable to use alcohol to cope with it. A horrible trap....
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