comanche

Kind of just want to get my situation down in writing and put it out there...

I'm in my mid twenties, have been sober for about 8.5 months now. I'm struggling with some pretty heavy depression at the moment, it feels like every morning I wake up and just feel terrible, anxious, feel like my life is falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it. I make myself get up and go about my day, and usually on week days, once I get into the routine of work, I feel better. On days like today, though, Sunday, everything just feels so empty and meaningless.

I graduated from college 3 years ago. At the time, I was seeing a girl with whom I had my first really serious, intense relationship. After college we both moved back to our respective hometowns, but without any real closure as to what was going on between us. I have not been able to let go of this person in my mind, she is like a constant obsession. I have seen her periodically over the past three years and we sleep together and then separate again and I get all attached. I just have not been able to move on from her at all. I know that I should just cut off contact and give myself closure and time to heal and find someone else, but at the same time when I really think about the prospect of losing her forever I go into some kind of panic and usually contact her, or she'll wind up contacting me and the whole cycle of attachment and obsession starts again.

I also feel no real motivation anymore. I used to be a very hard-working student, always got good grades and did all of my work. Now I'm in the working world and I just don't have much motivation to stand out anymore. I've been offered a new job to start in 2012, and everyone I tell about it says it sounds like a really interesting position, but mainly I just feel this sense of dread about starting it, like I'm just being carried along with no direction in my life and this is how it's going to be forever. The fact that this will be a job doing interesting work and paying me a very solid salary just isn't enough for me to wake up and be appreciative of this chance.

I feel guilty and stupid for even writing this, like what is wrong with me? I'm young and healthy and have an opportunity to live a nice life, but inside I just feel empty and miserable most of the time. Relating to others is difficult for me. Have been seeing a psychiatrist for a few months now and am on Wellbutrin, which at first seemed to help me by allowing me to notice and challenge my negative thoughts before they got a hold of me, but now this positive effect has seemed to wear off.

Anyway, if anyone read this, thanks, mainly I just needed some place to vent I think

SparklingSeven

Worth checking with your doctor again re: your meds?

I went through a few different types before getting the right one for me.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Stu.

NYCDoglvr

Not drinking for 8.5 months is a huge accomplishment! I suffer from both depression and alcoholism, have been dealing with both since putting down alcohol 20 years ago. I'll give you my experience. Clinical Depression should be named something else because people don't understand there's a difference*.

#1 Ok, I lost my job today and boy am I depressed.
Well of course you are, anyone would FEEL depressed, how could you not. Chances are, however, after moping around home for a few days you get out of the house, talk to friends and family and star looking for a new job. You don't need medication because the mood passed, you bounce back.

#2 I lost my job today and I'm depressed.
You don't bounce back but steadily get worse. You do an inventory of your whole life and it's all bad, you know you're a failure. You isolate from friends and family, don't answer the phone and rarely leave your home (until you can't even do that). Start thinking about suicide. Your thinking is completely distorted ("depressi*on think"). You need to get to a doctor very quickly. He/she may prescribe medication and/or therapy. One day you wake up and your thinking is normal. You're back.

In some situations increasing my meetings helped me quickly bounce back. Certainly talking to others about how I felt lifted it. It is a huge transition to go from using/drinking daily to having no "anesthesia" for life. All those feelings and fears come up, as does anger. It took me over a year to feel comfortable in my skin.

At the same time I suffer from depression that requires medication and therapy. In my 15th year, when I had to slowly go off one medication to start another I got to the point when I couldn't get out of bed. A terrific shrink saved my life...

I hope this helps ... you sound fairly normal for someone going through recovery. I suggest increasing meetings!

comanche

thank you both!

NYC, I do usually feel better after I go to meetings, hearing other epeople that are living sober and doing well. I do need to realize that there is no quick fix to this depression and it may very well take some time before I can sort out why I am so hard on myself and unable to enjoy life. Thanks very much for your words of encouragement

jocata

Can completely relate Commanche, I'm 39 and have been suffering from depression for quite some time. Of course all of the drinking and drugging have only compounded it, but I have suffered from it while having some fairly long periods of sobriety. Meetings help me as well. You are definately not alone.
God bless.

Stuart12

Hi

I have suffered from depression on and off for more than five years. I have tried various types of drugs such as SSRI which worked in part for me but with some side effects. I probably did not give them a proper chance to work as I was always drinking not always heavily but it certainly was most days.

Cognitive Behaviour Thearpy proved useful particularly as the doctor was able to help me put things in perspective. For instance I was really worked up at one point about loosing my job/career and he helped me realise that if it happened it would not be the end of the world as surely there were other things I could do and that eventually circumstances would change.

I think you are doing well not drinking, this is now my main goal.

I find going out for a walk really helps.We live on the coast in the UK and I do this several times a day and it brings a fresh perspective to my mood if I'm feeling down.

Regards

Stuart12

NYCDoglvr

I'm taking Wellbutrin and Effexor, which work great together. I thought Wellbutrin was to be used with another anti-depressant. For me taking it alone made me worse........