finaltime

I should feel proud. 30 days without a pain killer! I don't feel proud though instead I feel like my life has been a complete mess and the choices I have made have been all about me continuing to get my high. I don't know where to go from here. Ugh. Now I know why I continued to pop pills.

Dee74

30 days is great icandoit - but, if you drank and drugged as long as I did, it's a mere blip in time - give yourself a break...you're doing great, but this all takes time and effort, y'know?

As for the past - I think everyone of us has wished at some time we could go back and redo things - but we simply can't.

The past is closed to us - and we just have to deal with that.

I think you're better off putting all that wishing energy into what you're doing now - keep doing what you're doing and keep moving forward

do you have any support outside SR?
D

marlarose1

You are not alone with your feelings. Now you are facing life sober and its
quite a shock from where we were. It will get better in time so you do have somethings to look forward to. In my addiction it took a very long time to not dread "tomorrow with no meth" and I also felft empty lonely and very homesick..???? yeah its hard but dont stop trying. youre worth it..

Dee74

welcome to SR marlarose

D

IvanKatz

Icandoit,
You need to understand something VERY important. It is almost certain that you are going through PAWS. I'm certain that you are going through a bout of depression that always accompanies quitting your DOC.
Let me guess... After the first 2 weeks you felt somewhat great despite severe lethargy. Week 3 your energy was somewhat better but you began feeling a bit depressed... Now your more depressed and all you can think about is your past mistakes. Am I close to the ball park?
If I am, then guess what? Your doing GREAT because your brain is repairing itself! Depression at 30 days is perfectly normal! In 30 more days you are going to feel much better and at 90 days, you're going to wonderful. At 4 months your going to be telling yourself you feel amazing!
This is all part of the process. I know this because I've been there as well as most other folks too. Just ask Failed Taper. I'm certain she'll tell you the SAME THING!
BTW, congrads on 30 days. You are superman for achieving this milestone. You are way over the hump right now and headed for the home stretch.
We'll all very proud of you!

england

Like you I felt depressed after 30 days clean from cocaine but believe me it does get better with time. I also felt depressed and angry at the though of wasting 4 years of my life on a drug that was trying to destroy me, but like the otheres have said we cant change the past and need to look forward in life and be thankful that we ar clean.

Have you seen anyone about your depression? I was seeing a drug support worker and she really helped me deal with the mental issues and explain what I was going through.

I now firmly believe that a drug free life is what I want as I had enough of losing days, friends and money through taking drugs.

30 days is a great achievement, so congratulations

dizzydolphin

Congrats on 30 days! I felt the same way. Once you get clean and realize what we really have been doing to ourselves its depressing. That feeling will subside in time and things come into a better perceptive. All the new possibilities for a new future will replace that feeling. It's been almost 3 months for me and I am starting to see it. So just keep going! You will get there.

Best wishes

finaltime

Thank you for all the responses. I know that time will heal a lot of this, and I just have to be patient. This sober stuff is hard work, and as much as my addict brain wants to tell me its just easier to keep using, I know that is not the truth. I don't really have any other support other than SR, and I know that is not good either. I know that in the near future I will have to get more help, as this daily struggle I have about why I should be sober is going to get the best of me if I don't find some support. I live in China, so the help is not as easy as it would be in the states, but there is NA and AA here. Just a matter of hitting the subway for an hour during rush hour with a bunch of crazy Asians that gets to me..However, I would do that in a second to go and get my next high, so why wouldn't I do that to get to a meeting! Another battle. For now I just read and read on SR and talk with my spouse if I need help. 31 days today and feeling ok, a lot better than yesterday. Seems I have my moments. The really hard times is at work, for some reason. I used to love my job high, and now that I am sober I just think it isn't for me anymore. So much has to change.....I can do it though! Thank you for the support~

lorilou1

A job is just a job, and I know we need them, but not if we r not happy?
We did doc from not being happy and honest w/ ourselves about life(thats what I think)
So if we r starting over, why not really start over, it can`t do anymore damage than we already did, right?
Do sober people have this much thinking to do?????
Are we surving or living?? Sometimes I wonder, sorry just being honest..

FT

Hi lorilou1,

Good questions, those.

This one especially got me -- Do sober people have this much thinking to do?????

Before I quit oxys, I used to sit on the bus and watch the people, and I was so envious of them. I wondered how they were able to laugh and smile and go about their day without oxycodone, when I couldn't. How did they do it? What secrets did they hold?

Then I started to wonder how I would feel if I found out THEY were high, too? What about the bus driver? What about my doctor? What about ANYBODY I trusted with my well being? How would they feel about ME if they knew I was an oxy addict? WHO would I WANT to find out was using oxycodone, and who would I be upset about if I knew they were?

That jealousy of others, those-not-on-oxycodone-people, turned into self-evaluation, but it took a LOT of self-evaluation before I came to the conclusion that I couldn't continue to be an oxycodone user and call it good. I didn't want to live my life as an addict. But HOW was I going to do that?

Wow.

I didn't think I could. At one point, I couldn't envision a life without oxys.

Hey, I didn't mean to subvert this thread and make it all about me. But I, too, remember feeling lost early in recovery. What tools did I have to feel better when I felt so bad. The answer was, none. No tools. No way to feel better. It was a panicky feeling.

But I knew it was a flawed feeling. I just had to trust that I wasn't born on oxys, didn't live most of my life on oxys, used to be happy before oxys -- way back when.

I guess it is a leap of faith in early recovery that you WILL feel better. I trusted it. I had to.

I suggest keeping a calendar of symptoms, and improvements. Check it out, and you'll see recovery is not linear. There are ups and downs, hills and valleys, but the good starts to outweigh the bad pretty quickly. Some of the milestones -- 1 week, 1 month, 3 months, even 6 months -- carry with them some dips and curveballs. Don't let them throw you. This period of time in recovery is damage control time. It's a leap of faith, but take that leap.

FT

sophiamarie2007

I can so relate to what you are saying. I am 24 days clean and I just feel flat. It's like I just don't know what to do with myself. Like everyone said the depression is normal, it's part of the brain that is healing. I can also relate to not wanting to teach clean and sober. I used to get jacked up on my pills and it made the kids more enjoyable and my lessons more enjoyable. Now I feel like they just get on my nerves. Give it some more time, I think it will all come back to you the way it's supposed to. GIve wanted to give you a big (((hug))) and congratulations on making 31 days. You should be very proud of yourself.